• Member Since 12th Jan, 2020
  • offline last seen 9 minutes ago

13 Shades of Sunset

i wuv shippings <3


It’s now the year 2020 and Rainbow Dash and I were this close to graduating our senior year in high school. We could be able to get to college and maybe have great future together.

But that’s until COVID-19 decided to come in uninvited and put us in quarantine. But it doesn’t seem to be to serious on the other hand... so what could go wrong?

Rated T for some language and for the Green Day songs having be about the political views and serious problems within the USA. The drama tag in this mostly represents the election battle of Trump v. Biden. I put the death tag cause it’s mostly mentioning Coronavirus deaths around the world. Sex tag for some fluff and innuendo.


Chapters (2)
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Comments ( 12 )

and a racial problem everyone thought was killed off.


Those suffering under that racial problem never thought it was killed off. Having a fantasy of 'racism is over now' is a privilege enjoyed only by those who don't themselves suffer from racism.

I only put down that cuz it sounded right that way:twilightsheepish:

FYI, posting lyrics for copyrighted songs (exception: MLP songs) is against the rules. If there are any in the story, check the rules page. Contact a site moderator if you have doubts about your standing with the rules, or edit your story to remove them if you think you've broken the rules.

I didn't read the story. But your mention of Green Day in the long description motivated me to urge caution for you.

Don’t worry if you check the story I have not posted anything that’s showing any of the lyrics. I only put down the songs not the lyrics. Plus I do not own the rights to the Green Day song catalog.

This seems interesting.

“I know I’m sexy. Because you can’t help it to touch me all around” Rainbow Dash teases me by giving my cheek a little lick.

“You know you want me” Dashie says in her seductive tone as I start to get turn on a trigger a boner. “Looks like I found a friend of yours” She says. “Don’t worry I’m saving you for later" Rainbow says as she gives me a little wink.

Lucky motherf*cker

So, I read through it, and I have to say, I was expecting something slightly different—the romance was there of course, but I expected to see a bit more COVID stuff in there. I have to admit, I’m not from the US, so I was kinda hoping this story would show me how an American POV on the virus might look. But hey, that’s just me.

To talk about some more technical aspects, the story is rather fast-paced with lots of lengthly sentences in some parts—which is a shame as they sort of just ramble and make it harder for the audience to get invested in the story of two people in love. Also, watch out for tense shifts. A story has to be written either in past tense or present tense, you cannot shift between them. The problem with this error is that it is very obvious and causes a lot of people to downvote, so it’s better to check at least twice that all verbs in your narrative are in one tense :raritywink: Lastly, I also noticed some recurring issues in direct speech. That’s something very common on this site. However, there are actually just a few simple rules to doing this right, so if you want, I can show you how to use these properly. Understanding them will make you 20% cooler than other beginner writers on this site:rainbowdetermined2:

Thx for the feedback
And Yes I would like some help on some of these since I hardly noticed them (probably cuz I’m dumb lol) also I never notice about the tense shifts so if you can help me out with this that’ll be great:twilightsmile:

I’ll PM you a short guide regarding direct speech soon-ish (need to get to my PC first). As for the tense shifts, I sadly don’t have the time to point out all of them to you—your best bet would be hiring an editor from some specialised group. Here is just a little excerpt from your story, past tense is bold, present underlined. You can see that it’s a mix of the two, which should not happen. I’m pretty sure that you’ll be able to catch most of these inconsistencies yourself if you focus on them :twilightsmile:

“I can’t believe we’re all about to be in quarantine soon” I said.

“Yeah. But I believe we can get through this. I’m pretty sure we can beat a virus” Rainbow Dash says in confidence.

“Don’t Jinx It” I say as I chuckled a bit.

“Hey, the only time anyone jinxed it is when Trump got through his first day as president” Rainbow Dash says as she stretched a little.

“Yeah I would choose a president who actually gives a shit about. He just cares about money just cause” I said. “Meanwhile he got us feeling like some sitting ducks”

Oh, by the way, this was my first time listening to Green Day—I have to say, their music is great. Will have to check some of their albums. On a side note, I’d advise you against including links to videos or images in a story as lots of people will ignore them or be unable to access them (some read offline, the links may stop working, etc.), others who click on them will be taken out of the story‘s atmosphere. If you really feel you cannot describe something and have to include the links, do so in an author’s note, not in the text itself.

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