DevilsMessiah
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FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Right! Prepare for a long, even if slowly updating, Fic! At this point, I have about 85K written, and these first few chapters I will be posting rapidly! This is HiE, so, if that's not your thing, turn back now! I can only ask to those of you who do read this, to hang in longer than one chapter, as I'm a perfectionist, and in my opinion, things become much better from a few chapters in.
God, I cannot express how much this chapter burns my eyes in comparrison to the rest... So yeah; once upon a time, this looked good in my eyes, and so, at some point, I must have thought this was the best of my ability, but... alas, I was wonderfully surprised! Who knew!?
Ok, thanks for reading!
Well... He got his naked lady.
Few mistakes. All in all, fantastic story, and remember, you touch Shy Imma kill you!
tend
V
Applebuck season wouldn’t be for a while and so she had time to spare, Mac could
tentto the fields and orchards and Apple Bloom could take care of the house chores, she was growing up and deserved more responsibility anyway.hooves Gratz, you broke Rarity.
V V
She gazed down at her
feetand blushed heavily, a deep crimson covering her pristine white cheeks. “I-I-I, w-why thank you…”ponies
V
She faced the two annoyed ponies. “But,” she turned to Rob, “he’s right, we got
peopleta meet! Where to first?”I wuv you
1149491
Seconded!
1149496
Goddamnit me too
1149498 Oh god why, but... Rob is very very nice to talk to.... sometimes, when he's not writing clop, so yea, Fourth-ed?
1149183
I have WiFi! Woop! Kro, thank you! You have a great eye for these things it seems. I've been over this a few times and not noticed those... shame on me! Thanks dude!
1149491
Satin... I think this is you... Also, I look forward to reading your story too, DrunkSc1ence!
1149496
Satin... I blame you for this too!
1149498
... And this. NAAH kiddin', love you too!
1149863
You like it really, Woony... You know you do... Remember what's coming up...
---
Anyhow! Thanks all of you for the support! I'm like a charity or some shit!
1150895 ....Does this give me the ability to say something now? Yes? Ok. FUCK! That's all.
-Beware readers... there shall be many a dirty thang in this here story! Dirty is good, Dirty is bad... Just be wary...
~Onward and Upwards!
1151047
Bad Woony! No! No spoilering! Bad. BAD!
1151182 Hee hee!
~Onward and Upwards!
imgs.xkcd.com/comics/sheeple.png
I'm surprised by all the thumbs down. I mean, the beginning is a little weird, but Arc and his interaction with the characters (especially Celestia.) is pretty fun!
I give it Two derp ups!
i1257.photobucket.com/albums/ii516/Klutzybear/tumblr_m8gherMYYv1r02k54o1_400.gif
This is very well done. I'd give you a cookie but Pinkie ate them all.
... knackered?
Two alicorns in all of Equestria? You forgot Princess Cadance.
.....
I must admit, I am intrigued. Keep up the good work.
1152438
Haha, dude, as I aid in the first comment, chapter one... no. I'm not proud of it. I started writing as well, I suppose a way to vent all of the awesome lil' pony feelings I had after watching the show and getting into it for the first time. I didn't know what kinda footing or grounding I wanted my characters to have. I wasn't sure how I wanted the tone to play out, and I wasn't sure how I wanted the story to go as a whole. Chapters 2 and 3 helped me with that a little more, as it allowed interaction between characters and a deeper level of personality to come forth; so yeah, the emo shit at the beginning makes me cringe too! BUT, to be honest, my Celestia is/was a godsend. I love writing her! Cheers for the freidnly comment!
1152488
Haha, that's OK, Derpy has a surplus of muffins instead! And thanks dude, I personally think my writing continued to get better, and people that have read on further agree too, so... yeah!
1152604
Hmm... yes. Well, there is one simple way to explain this: I'm English! It's a term we use for 'tired'.
1152690
Haha, thank you... intrigued is... good!? Anyhow, I hope you don't like convention, as I plan on diverging from cliches as much as possible! So yes! Good work shall be kept up!
1153310
That was one of the most wonderfully sporadic comments I have ever seen! Kudos! As for Twi, it's cool, we have our methods... Besides, a much as I'd LOVE to smear that stuff on her horn, she may not be too pleased about it! but cheers for the likes and all that, dude! I appreciate it!
MOAR
1152674
The simplest answer for that is... There was no Cadence when I started writing this! And yeah, I dunno how I'm gonna work around that... BUT, time will tell!
1154394
That is one fat-ass 'MOAR', and ya know what. You might just be in luck...
Trollestia 2.0
secretsof7scribes.files.wordpress.com/2012/06/smiley-face-wallpaper.jpg
YAY MORE
1154709 because thats not creepy at all
1154712
Not in the slightest...
1154712
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!!!!!!!!!!!
4.bp.blogspot.com/-GQt0kijZwT8/TkRqXuAi7DI/AAAAAAAAKPU/RnXLzqyb_g0/s1600/luna_nobis_custodit_by_chobit_389-d46874n.jpg
farm4.static.flickr.com/3593/3419250126_4e8ca528c5.jpg
images.wikia.com/starwars/images/4/46/Clone_Army_Charge.jpg
thestonetable.com/images/medialibrary/NARNIA_Charge_1b_.jpg
In other words, I'm unleashing this lot unless we get alot of new chapters! heh heh ;3
1154901
I will do my best! Please don't kill me with a horde of... stuff!
Although you can send the pony army, I am SO OK with that.
1155015
Heh heh, very well! :3
LUNA ARMY! GET OVER TO THAT POINT!
Le job tis done!
1152604
Knackered=Exhausted
1155090
Haha, exactly!
1155658
Imma make an attempt to reply to every comment!
And setting traps and running is good, but seriously, magical ponies. Magical. Ponies. You cannot run, you cannot hide.
Very good, you have here the beginnings of an epic. Just one thing bugs me though, why is it always Timber Wolves?
1156108
Lol, because my guy is a pussy and cannot take on more than one rogue Timber Wolf! Also, personally, I think the Manticores are done too often!
Besides, he was almost destroyed by one by itself! I considered other creatures, but... to be honest, that one seemed to fit rather well. And haha, as far as I am concerned, without Dash, he'd be dead! So, for what I wanted to do, a Timber Wolf worked well.
1156151
Oh, yeah, for all intents and purposes the Timber Wolf works great to break a new character into the story, I'm just expressing my amusement that it seems to me to be always Timber Wolfs.
Manticores, huh? I haven't read many involving those as the first trial.
1156204
Haha, maybe it's just my bad experience with some dude newly coming into Equestria and beating down a Manticore with his bare hands. I HATE fics that start like that...
Lol, hence having an anti-OP character who gets his ass handed to him by everything!
Great story man, keep it up
1156287
Thank you! I will! Prepare for another update tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that, and the day after that...
Wooo, liked and fav'd. ill be waiting
1156525
Mhmm, I'm on it! And thanks!
My god, I saw the premise for this story and thought it would be awesome. It's not, and here's why I couldn't make it past the second chapter.
I'm not going to speak about grammar issues because I over look such things. But I can't over look the glaring mistakes with the story itself. First off your characterizations are awful, I mean do you even watch the show? Celestia is by far the worst, she acts nothing like Celestia. Do you honestly believe that Celestia would take advantage of a drunken human in the manner that she did? She made him make a life changing decision while he was drunk to bring him to her land, that's absurd. And she actually made him change his name!? Let's also not forget her actually mocking the human for not being able to use magic, after Twilight unlocked it for him.
Let's also talk about your protagonist. This guy makes no sense. His monologue in the first chapter is ridiculous. That's just the way a functioning society has to work. Everyone does their part, be it small or large, to keep the gears turning. You think pony society doesn't work in the same manner? Someone has to scrub toilets and cut the lawn. No way in hell is everypony leaving their mark on the world.
It also makes no sense that he just willingly leaves his life behind to go to this new world, without knowing jack shit about it. Why because, for some unexplained reason he thinks our world sucks. I swear I'm so sick of writers making our world to be absolute shit. FYI FIM was created by a human, so maybe we aren't so bad.
He's also way to quick to say their world is better then ours. He's there less then twenty four hours and he's already come to that decision? Okay lets see if we can make sense of that. First off he meets Celestia who's cordial at best. And blatantly manipulated him, in order to get him there. Then he meets Luna, who doesn't like him at all. Next he meets spike who's scared shitless of him, then he gets speared by Applejack for no reason at all. Yes this world is great, because everypony has just been so nice.
The story is also moving too swiftly. Applejack has known the guy for two seconds, and she's already showing signs of interest. And he's already okay with the idea that he'll end up with a pony. That makes no sense. Is the guy just a zoophile, or is this just wish fulfillment on your behalf?
All in all this story just doesn't come off as believable in the slightest. It falls into too many tropes that HiE stories often do. I wanted to stick around just for the romance, since I love humanxpony fics. However I find myself skimming the story and rolling my eyes half the time.
Well whatever, you've got some people interested in this so keep doing what you do. Just hopefully your readers will start leaving actual feedback so you can grow as a writer. Someone telling you your story is awesome is a good ego booster, but does very little for skill improvement.
1157089
A hater, and an honest person! Woop!
Thank you for... laying into me. It's cool. I write for fun, and I find this fun. Characterization, yeah, I go pretty far outside the box - majorly in fact. I do take things into my own hands, yeah, and I'm pretty shit at a few characters, mainly Fluttershy if I'm honest. The main thing I'd say is that you're comparing my writing to that of the canon show, and in my head canon, things are different; for example - Celestia is as she is. I like her being that way. I like taking the premise of the show and playing off of the various 'fan' concepts. She's my favorite character, and I like her being a joker! I really do. So, as far as characterization goes. Yup, it's BAD. Because, I wasn't it to be that way. Do I think Celestia would take advantage of a drunk human - canon; no. There are no humans so I will never know. In MY universe and portrayal - Hell yeah! Besides, the main character is based off of me! And I would, I'm just that kinda guy. Lol, If you watch the show carefully, you'll not see ANY humans! It's all speculation.
Otherwise; Twi 'tried' to unlock it - the magic that is. Who knows anymore than that...
Augh... what next. The monologue? Well, as for that. I know it's how society works. I do. Do I like it? No. Hence the complaining. And I stated as a fact that I HATE my chapter one. If I had the inclination to re-write it, I would, BUT it's how I started, and I kinda don't wanna tread all over that!
And no, our world isn't shit. BUT let's look at this another way, you say it isn't shit, as we created Equestria, obviously if we're here creating false realities, we're trying to get something that we can't get from our own. Or something like that...
Haha, and you read into this WAY too much. You think I have AJ planned as a relationship? There will NEVER be any relationships! I have already sorted that one out in the other 60K I already have written... So, no jumping to conclusions OK? As a reader, you're meant to question and want to know the unknown, just not doubt the writer for it. In this case, I hate to sound pretentious, but I know more than you about my own story.
And have you seen the world of ponies; they ARE nice for no reason!? First you complain about me being too non-canon, and now that I am, it seems that friendliness is out of the loop too... Lol, except Cranky, he seems pretty pissed off all the time...
... No way!? Not believable. Shit, and I thought magical ponies existed and I didn't escape the real world!
As for the zoophile comment. Dude, this has a SEX tag on it. Yes, I look at clop, yes I write it. Yes I LOVE it. Yes I am fulfilling fantasies about fucking pastel coloured ponies. Because... well, I wanted to I guess.
And yeah, people enjoy it, and I'm happy they do. I love them for it. As for writing quality though, I'm damn sure I'm not bad. You try and pick up a grammar mistake or spelling error, go for it. You may find the odd one, but I sure as hell can write to a certain extent. I'm all for growing as a writer, I actually love the comment you left, seriously, it's great, you challenge me on these things and make me think. You're the kind of person stories need more often, and I appreciate that, but, this is a story I wrote for myself, to fulfill my fantasies, and I like how I'm doing it.
Also, sorry about seeing brash, I have been playing heavy-drinking Skyrim drinking game.
Anything else... Hmm... Realism? It's all subjective. I like playing boundaries and shit like that. Sticking to canon? No. I'll let the FiM show writer do that, it's their job! I mean, I love that you people read this, but, I wrote it primarily for me, not anyone else, I just figured I'd share!
But thank you for your comment. If you have anything else to say, I'll be happy to respond.
The future is bullet proof! The aftermath is secondary! Killjoys, make some noise!
Well, spoilers! From me! Much more -{REDACTED}- too come! So prepare your -{REDACTED}-!
Heh heh heh!
~Onward and Upwards, ya brit!
1157428
As I said, I'll do mah best!
-sigh- rob. -sigh- -.-'
1157460
Hey. My wubs? Where are they?
1157465 your story is eating them
1157472 Pffft, LOL. Rob's story is a fatty, ain't it?
1157577
Remind you of anything...?
1157596 .... I thought I told you never to speak of that, ever again!
1157577 you know it
1157611
1157622
Both of you have faced that 'things' wrath before... And not in a fun way.