Hello there, everypony! My name is GamerBrony, everypony's favorite videomaking (and storywriting) pony!
Brony T. Pony has had a very difficult childhood. Ever since he was seven, he and his mother lived in a small apartment in Windcrest (a fictional city in California). Ever since they moved, Brony has been bullied and abused both physically and mentally. Now, he's hiding from the leader of a group that he regrets being a part of. Being fed up with this life, he relocates to Ponyville to attend the School of Friendship, which he hopes is a safe haven for him.
Page generated in 0.076 seconds
Total duration
1,002 users online
2,108,509 hits today, 2,073,628 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Windcrest is a real city in California near Dana Point.
This story is illogical, stopped reading.
It’s only the first sentence and the story is already making excuses for itself.
You know I was going to simply say "Just because you can doesn't mean you should." and be on my way, but this... This is one of those fanfics, isn't it?
Not even trying to be subtle here. I'm skipping over a lot of his "tragic backstory" because blah blah abusive father blah blah single mother blah blah self-insert.
Sure, a horse can live for up to a month without water, but this is clearly a human society. You use a real city, you use real companies like YouTube. Brony should be fucking dead and this story should be about humans. If you really want to stretch it, Equestria Girls has humans,. but even then it doesn't have fucking California.
What.
Okay so you don't even bother trying to cover up your hometown, but Twilight Sparkle's School of Friendship is real? So in this version of Equestria, California is real!??!
Can you at least attempt to make up a fake town name? Fuck I don't even know what race Brony is meant to be because you focus so much on other fucking
peopleponies, slow your roll with your RP backstory, because this is looking more like a character sheet for a shitty DnD game than it is a story.STALLIONS. THEY'RE CALLED FUCKING STALLIONS YOU DO NOT REFER TO ADULT MALE PONIES AS MEN. MEN REFERS TO ADULT HUMAN MALES. DID YOU EVEN BOTHER TO DO ANY RESEARCH?
wew
I'm sorry but I've never seen a fanfic be so illogically stupid. For someone named TheGamerBrony you sure do lack MLP knowledge.
Skipping over the conversation, I've already checked out of this shit and I don't have the patience to examine your self insert's assholishness...
So. Equestria is connected to California by train. And has payphones. While you call on using hooves.
It sucks I already used the "NOT SCIENTIFICALLY POSSIBLE" meme. https://i.imgur.com/I6q0b5u.jpg
Moving on before I tear my hair out ranting how phones are not a thing in Equestria...
Oh Goddesses he's finally using a canon character. So this is clearly either post-timeskip or somewhere in there. Thanks for explaining that earlier instead of focusing on Brony's alcoholic father who is brought up literally once! Context for the world of Equestria? What's that?
I'm sending you the medical bill for my busted liver because I am going to need a lot of alcohol.
Conversation, reitterating things that we already know of (You could just say "after explaining myself to Starlight" or just trim the fat that is that fucking character sheet of an intro and get into something like WHAT RACE/GENDER/THIS MOTHERFUCKER LOOKS LIKE OH MY GOD THIS IS LIKE PULLING TEETH.)
Oh hey he brings up the alcoholic again. I'm going to ignore this needless fucking padding and pointing out that the amount he drinks would probably kill someone within a day. Because like everything else in this shitshow, it is not logical.
oh my god there's a fucking page long rant
i don't care
i just don't fucking care about your fucking OC. You put him on a pedestal like he's some tragic hero and I don't even know what he LOOKS LIKE so I can't ENVISION HIM and I'm ASSUMING HIS GENDER BECAUSE YOU SPEND SO MUCH TIME ON IRRELEVANT SHIT THAT I SKIP OVER PARTS OF THIS JUST TO ENSURE MY TATTERED REMAINS OF SANITY STAY I AM LEGITIMATELY PISSED OFF AT THIS CONGRATULATIONS.
Oh good you bastardise a canon character to make him similar to the protagonist. Good thing I don't give two fucks about the Student Six otherwise I might have problems with this!
Oh good now Applejack is here. Goddesses forbid Applejack has a life outside the school herself, eh?
Who the actual fuck...
does research
Oh
They're characters from something entirely different to MLP. This now a crossover. Thrust upon the reader with no context, expecting you to know a Nick Jr. show in advance without any prior buildup or context other than THEY'RE MAGICAL HORSES.
This is where I stopped reading. I should have stop reading at "Brony T. Pony". Hell, I should have stopped at the title.
This is without a doubt, the worst thing I've read in a long time. You have legitimately pissed me off and I want to trash not just this, but you as an author for being so dense, so out of touch with MLP that you didn't even use Manehatten as Brony's home.
Fuck, the name "Brony T. Pony" makes me want to die. You didn't even try.
Literally the only thing about this thing that is passable is the spelling and grammar. The actual words on the fic and how they're used in an objective, non-story context are fine. Good even.
Everything else about this can go and die in a fire.
I'm not even exaggerating when I say this.
This is awful. Everything about aside from the grammar is actual garbage. It's like you watched the finale of the show without any prior context and thought "Huh this will be neat to write about." and proceeded to write a story about your self-insert that once again, I have no idea of anything physically Maybe it's in the parts I skipped, but I'm not even entirely sure if they're even a goddamn pony, that's how bad a job you did describing them.
I assume that Brony T. Pony is based from your avatar (which is in itself, objectively bad but I'm not a n artist.) and if I'm wrong about that and they do get described, I'm sorry but there are a lot worse things in this.
I can't even summerise my feelings on this because there's just so much wrong here. You use the real world then transition to Equestria, the main character's name sounds like a fucking satire.
Alright before I lose my mind I'm going to break down some of the issues I have.
1. It's overly edgy.
MLP it's a children's cartoon. Alcoholic fathers, shitty run-down cities and payphones do not exist in it. I don't understand this obsession with making this darker and edgier for the sake of BE SAD NOW! FEEL BAD FOR THIS PONY! https://i.imgur.com/YnXhvSa.jpg
It's fucking pathetic and a tonal clash that doesn't even make sense within the story. This seems to be a common thing too, including things like rape (That was in an E rated story before you changed to to T) and other really stupid shit. THIS IS MLP FANFICTION. AT LEAST TRY TO STAY E-RATED YOU EDGY TEENAGER OTHERWISE THE READERS WILL NOT CARE AND BE TAKEN OUT OF THE STORY BY THE TONAL INCONSISTENCY.
2. Oh my god I don't care about Brony.
I read the name and I checked out. This isn't a character, it's a self-insert. You put literally zero effort to make Brony feel like a real character. Even the name sounds like a parody. Along with this, I can't envision anything about him because you spend way too much time on his alcoholic father who doesn't even appear. ESTABLISH. A. FUCKING. CHARACTER. OR. DON'T. INSERT. OCs. It's really that simple!
Along with this, I seriously don't give a shit, because "MY FATHER'S AN ABUSIVE ALCOHOLIC AND I LIVED ALONE WITH MY MA IN A RUNDOWN SHITTY CITY AND I GOT INVOLVED WITH GANGS" IS OVERDONE AS HELL. Try writing something of substance rather than cheap tropes for "FEEL BAD NOW." Once again, this seems to be a running thing, considering that Gallus gets raped at one point in one of your stories.
HAVING THINGS HAPPEN TO SOMEONE DOES NOT MAKE A CHARACTER. IT MAKES THEM BORING BECAUSE THEIR CHARACTER IS WHAT HAPPENED TO THEM. SHOW. DON'T. TELL.
3. That stupid fucking crossover.
Do I need to elaborate on the unnecessary Peg and Corn cameo? Because I had to Google that shit just o understand what it was. "Wow, they're magical horses." doesn't fucking cut it, as it is entirely unneeded and shows you don't have the creativity to write anything.
You know what? That leads great into my conclusion.
Conclusion (TL;DR)
This legitimately enraged me. The absolute lack of care in writing this pisses me off as a writer myself. You expect people to care for a cardboard cutout with a """tragic backstory""" when the reader doesn't even know what they look like. The world doesn't make sense (California and Equestria are connected via a train!?!?!??!) and is overly edgy for the sake of drama. Hell, you tell a lot of this without showing. Flashbacks to Brony's early years, the abuse he sustained, the feelings he felt during his earlier years, those make empathy.
These are just words on a fucking page. The only emotions I feel are boredom and anger.
I hate saying this, but I feel it's necessary for you:
You don't have what it takes to be a real writer. You can sure as shit write grammatically correctly, but you clearly lack the care and creativity needed to write a real narrative. This shit is tropes slung together in a desperate bid to write a story. Tropes Are Not Bad, but it's how you use them. Hell, the name Brony T. Pony itself shows you lack literally any creativity.
This is painful, legitimately fucking awful garbage. This isn't a story, it's a series of tragic tropes glued together to disguise the fact that underneath the actual words, you cannot write.
Is this needlessly harsh? No! I don't think so! You've pissed me off that much with your absolute lack of care in this dreck that I took the kid gloves off especially for you. Do you know why?
Because you can't even give your self-insert a name that isn't so cringe-inducingly awful that it borders on parody. When you can't even get a name to seem at least somewhat passable, that's a sign that maybe, just maybe writing isn't for you.
Go back to gaming, TheGamerBrony, you don't have the finesse for the art of writing.
(And since I spent so long venting on this, I'm saving it for future reference. Mostly because I put way more effort into this than you did even trying to write.)
10172283
Pretty much agree with what this gentleman said (except the E-rated thing, since fanfiction allows for more mature explorations of the source material and changing ratings as tags are added to a story is common practice). But for real, author, you need to do a better job than this; perhaps consider a re-write in which you change pretty much everything about it.