Rainbow Dash Princess of the sky, is the youngest of Empress Celestia’s two daughters and the runt of the family. When her fillyhood friend and protégé of her mother, the highborn unicorn lady Twilight’s concern for the myth of Nightmare Moon, and her imminent return is brushed of by her teacher, she is asked to attend the summer sun celebration in Ponyville along with the young alicorn as its overseers.
But is Celestia really the benevolent monarch that see appears, and what is the truth about her dark sister, the mysterious princess of the night?
Chapters (3)
Spacing.
ALWAYS SPACE.
It makes it much easier to read. I can kinda see where you tried... maybe... but it's still a giant wall of text.
wut
1118957
These words are hauntingly mean, I put a lot of effort into this. I would appreciate very much some constructive criticism.
1119355
1) I haven't really seen another story depicturing a tyrant Celestia, and if it have not been overused, why the negativity?
2) I have read a few stories about Rainbow being Celestia's daughter and these were all awesome.
3) Yea this does follow the show rather closely, but to change that I have to rewrite everything, and if point 1,2 and 3 are equally bad I wouln't really gain much from trying to rewrite this, I would just have to scram the story altogether.
I can't however see how point 1 and especially point 2 can be considered "clichés", its better then waking up as an alicorn with no explanation.
1118813
I've put in extra spaces everywhere, tell me if this helps
1119484 Yup.
1119524
You really like it? I was just about ready to rewrite everything because of its negative reception.
I mean point 1) and 2) 1119456 is core, that is what my story is build on, but I could create another way for Rainbow to meet the other 4. It would make this story completely different and forcing me to begin writing almost from scratch but if point 3) is so incriminating then I really wouln't have any choice.
I can't really understand though, why the person giving me these critique have deleted his posts.
Question, what do you think I should do now?
1) Continue writing chapter 2 which I have titled "Badlands and Harmony" or
2) Rewriting chapter 1, taking it in a new direction that are much more different from the show.
ps. chapter 2 is much less like the show then chapter 1 and it involves changelings.
the story itself has great potential..... but OHMYGOD! so much mistakes, it hurts to read. I'm guessing english isn't your main language.
my only suggestion is this: get a corrector, even Word corrects better....
most dislikes must be either from trolls or people who can't stand this level of english as I know there isn't that many stories of TyrantLestia with Twilight also being on the dark side (well, that many.... there might be more than I think, but there sure is less than Humans in Equestria, Conversion Bureaus, Crossovers)
1120173
Thanks that really helps lifting my spirits. I know my English isn't my primary language, but being from a small country I have learned it from a relatively early age.
While I do think I have a fairly large understanding of English, writing have always been more difficult then reading.
A couple of things I don't really get about english is this:
a) bending verbs according to person, (has/have) we don't have that distinction in Danish
b) Compound noun. In Danish every time two nouns stand next to each other, we write them into a single word, there dosn't seem to be a clear system to this in English.
Know that I do use word's spelling as much as I can, and also that this piece have already been reread by me several times. I can't improve the gramme any further unless I get a genuine human proreader.
If you are comfortable in your own abilities and are willing I would be more then happy to accept any help I can get.
THIS IS PRETTY GOOD RPHB. ^^ ALSO THE TYRANT CELESTIA THING HAS BEEN DONE A FEW TIMES BEFORE THOUGH USUALLY IT'S THROUGH BEING CORRUPTED BY THE SAME THING THAT TURNED LUNA EVIL IN THE FIRST PLACE, OR SOMETHING HAPPENED THAT CAUSED HER TO TURN EVIL LIKE THE DEATH OF TWILIGHT THROUGH MURDER, ECT.
OR IN A SPECIFIC ONE, "SUNSHINE & FIRE" ON FANFICTION.NET, IS A TYRANT IN AN ALT. UNIVERSE & THE GOOD CELESTIA, LUNA, TWILIGHT & A RANDOM UNICORN GETTING SENT TO SAID UNIVERSE THROUGH A PORTAL ATTEMPT ON CELESTIA'S LIFE.
ALL IN ALL THIS SHALL BE INTERESTING AS I'VE NEVER SEEN AN EMPRESS CELESTIA ONE. ^^ KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK.
1: You should describe more, add more flavor to the lines .Also you should accentuate. An example of both would be:
"But Twilight" should be
Rainbow Dash pouted Her face to prepare Her cliche line."Buuuut Twiiiiiillliiiiiight"
2:You should use a bigger and more diverse vocabulary . (it makes reading less repetitive, but mostly makes it seem more intelligent and interesting than it actually is)
If you don't have a particularly large vocabulary ,go through a dictionary and write down all the words in it that you already knew and/or seem usable.
Then read the entire thing.If You ever have the problem again , read it .
3:You should always focus on the interactions between characters , and i don't mean between Celestia and Rainbow Dash , i mean between the main 6 .
They should not be under constant peril because that makes it harder to have normal social interactions. Celestia would not make them wanted criminals
because then it would get way too political for her to make 6 mares criminals on the spot. and if you do you still have enough room to make this story light instead of dark , even comedic . Comedy is usually the best remedy for dark stories.
1128248
Thanks I will give chapter 1 a thorough out, as I am having a little trouble with chapter 2, it might take some days.
Also, this story is thought of as the first part of a trilogy, and I have just finished the prologue and first chapter of the third part of the trilogy and I want to put that up.
I like this story so far I see there is no need for any changing i like it! the one thing i do have to critizize is why is RD blue why not cyan in the pic?
And what is up with the tags? there is nothing dark.
1156658
Well, when I can't really draw I have to use what I got, (what is already on the internet) at least until I can afford to commision a picture. The picture I chose was the one that was closest to my vision of how she looks.
And the tags, well, it will get darker, especially in the second chapter. Empress Celestia has a lot of skeletons in her closet.
As you can see in previous post, the second part of the story have the working title "Badlands and Harmony" Its about their journey to the badlands, a journey where they will learn the truth of Celestia, and what she is caperble of.
Have you ever wondered why for instence, there are so few stalions in Equestria? the truth is most of them are drafted.
It is not certain, but I plan to include a scene about a certain zebra that have escaped to the Everfree Forest to get away from the brutal exploitation of her people by the hands of the colonial Equestrian army in Zebrango.
Next time you go to a café in Cantalot, think about what the zebra's that grow them had been forced to endure.
I got quite a few things planned, I just need to need to stitch them together.
This story is also, (and I should properly write this in the description), the first part of a trilogy I am working on about Princess Rainbow.
This one is about Rainbow as she starts to become aware of who and what she is, and for the first time in her life gets real friends.
The next part is about the great conflict between the two older alicorn sisters, Luna that seeks the emancipation of the commoners, and Celestia that seeks to regain her throne and have the support of the powerful aristocracy. There Rainbow needs to lean what it means to be an alicorn.
You see, in the second books beginning Rainbow have settled very nicely in Ponyville, she have her own little cloud castle, she hangs around with her friends being awesome, and generally doing as little as possibly, but of course you can't just keep goofing of when you are a princess and your country needs you.
The final part of the trilogy which I call "Equestria 4KO" is set in the far future. There Rainbow have finally become an adult alicorn. Here Rainbow have become the leader of a (republic like monarchy) consisting of Quadrillions of ponies, from millions of worlds, almost half the galaxy. The other part is controlled by her mother Celestia. In the beginning there is an uneasy truth between the Solar Empire and the New Luna Republic. It is a story about betrayal, rediscovering the meaning of friendship, and finally accepting your destiny.
It consist of four acts, a prelude and an epilogue, each having multiple chapters.
The prelude, consisting of a prologue and the first chapter, have already been written. I have desubmitted it because it got a poor reception. I plan to resubmit it once I have rewritten the prelude and the first act. I don't know if you can see it but the link is here:
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/46328/Equestria-4KO
1156855 1st the pic that is a pic from a pony creator so you can use the pony creator called pony creator and 2nd DAMN! this will be epic! Hey if you like epic convuluded stories i have one called Scootaloo's Double Secret it WILL be 2 highly 2 gigantic secrets
1156882
I've tried to create a new picture using this pony creater and I think it was, well somewhat decent, thank for the tip and tell me what you think.
Also I know Scootaloo's secret, she's a chicken, AND she's a dodo, oh just kidding, I will look into it.
But you see, there is something wrong with this story, because it have way to few views and to many negatives. I want to write a popular story and I know the saga about Princess Rainbow is epic enough, so its just my writting that is not good enough, but I will try again, I have some ideas of how to improve it.
Also Ps: I want to put this image that I draw Luna Sigil into the story, but I can't figure out how, do you have any idea how to import images?
1157225 no i dont sorry, and tell me what you think and trust me she knows 1 of the secrets not even scootaloo knows the 2nd
Nice idea so far, but you really have to increase your technic in freaking orthography^^
Let me list what I found:
Cantalot - Well, guess what's wrong^^, but since the story is tagged as "Alternate Universe" I can go with that.
“Hi Twilight what’s you reading?” - As far as I know it is "what's you're reading"
The purple unicorn looked up with a mixture of surprise and irritation on the smiling alicorn, hanging upside down right above her head. - There were too much commas ^^ ^^
“Ah relax Twilight, I was just kidding around” Turning over and landing in front of the purple unicorn. - There has to be a comma + You should add that Rainbow said that, because it sounds quite funny otherwise ^^.
“But that’s just it Rainbow, you're always just kidding around, you never take anything seriously, you need to grow up, you’re a princess for Celestia’s sake so try acting like one. - Never ever mix "your" and "you're = you are" up^^
“and Celestia don’t count” - In germany we say: he she it, das ES muss mit. It's a rhime and means more or less, that whenever there's the third person you have to add "es". So it's doesn't. Don't worry I know that you know that but it's one of those freaking mistakes I used to do myself alot, so I just wanted to remind you :P
To be honst I could go on with that till the very end of this story. You really have to find a proofreader and editor, because it doesnt matter how good the story is when grammar and orthography are in such an embryologic state. ^^
However, I liked it. Keep writing!
1354772
That's a lot of mistakes and you are right about all of them, as I have stated many times I am rewriting this chapter and posting it at the same time as I post chapter two (there is only supposed to be two chapters)
I already have found one person that wants to be a proofreader and with you I hope I have two. Your eye is certainly sharp enough.
Are you interested?
The idea is pretty interesting and I want to read more, but it needs some serious proofreading. Things liked "sent sent" and misspellings such as the word 'Told' are just little things that make it hard for a reader to enjoy a story. I can promise you that if these little things are fixed you will have more readers and views and faves.
Edit: Just saw the info about it being rewritten and having a possible proofreader. Hope it all goes well!
1457376
Yes, I planned to write much today and yesterday, but then I suddenly got ill, I am a little better now, and have just finished the first test, (this chapter is completly different from the episode). I don't think it is good enogh yet, but I want to continue, just tell the story to its end, and then try to rewrite it and get the kinks out.
I also think I will try to keep it short, or shortish, I know I will cut out parts in the rewrite it needs to be under 10K and I hope to make it under 6K but there are six test that needs to be adressed somehow, so I have to show them. Also I really want to introduce and expand the OC I have developed, Oberst-General Flutterstorm.
The big question is, can the main six reach the elements before she reaches them?
1457441 It'll be interesting to find out
I've put this on my watchlist and hope to see updates as soon as they are ready
1457509
Thank you
1457608 Your welcome, also just updated S&R, I think you'll enjoy the new chapter. Its not 3000 words though. Just 2100. But I tried XD
I am in the middle of the Sisters Doo, but afterthat I am reading that chapter, then I think it is high time to go to bed. Tomorrow I will continue on Princess Rainbow Chapter 2.
What pose? I mean celestias
1566289
I am not quite sure what you mean, but I am glad to see that you care about this story, despite me taking so long in writing it (because there is so long periods of time when I am not writing it, and other periods when I am writting something else)
i swear to you if you don't continue this I will find you and rip out your throat with my bare hands... this is if its ok with you
1893522
Thank you, I have had so much criticism I didn't think people cared. I think that comment there just motivated me to go back to work on chapter 2
Ps. Why aren't you in my group?
1893905 I am now and, am eagerly awaiting chapter 2
1894100
You should start reading some of the other great stories in the group first. I will start working on it again, but my primary focus right now is and must be my speciale. I have a meeting with my instructor the 10th and I must have a draft by then.
And if you are interested you can check out my deviantart page here. That's another little project I have been working on. I finished R11 today.
You ned an editor but who gives a crap
Can't wait for the next chapter
Whenever that may be
SHIT HIT THE FAN BOYS AND GIRLS! good job man i await chapter 2
2020459
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I've been working on it for half a year now, well okay I have been doing a lot of other stuff too, (like making a masterpiece in plastic beads link why doesn't anyone pay attention to that
Anyway thank you trust me I am working on it. But I also need to make some alterations to chapter one.
2021010 It's all good take your time bro (brohoof) images.wikia.com/zelda/es/images/8/89/Brohoof.jpg
Buck yes!!
Could do with a once through with an editor, saw a couple mistakes here and there but other than that
THIS.IS.AWESOME!!
2146627
Please just send me a list with every mistake you see and I will do my best to correct it, but glad you like it.
Oh and that's not how you spell TRIALS
This is a good story, but you DESPERATELY need a proofreader.
2147154
You mean a better one / more proofreaders. If you volunteer you are more then welcome, just send a corrected version of it to me in a private message.
Celestia fighting her own daughter welp nothing to say except i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/293/590/6f6.gif
1120044 The reason people were negative, is because you need an editor. Your story shows a lot of promise, but needs critique.
You should check the: Looking for editors group.
I really like how the story's going in the first chapter. But it needs work. An editor should help you learn what you did wrong, and become a better writer... at least, that's what I think. please don't take that badly....
Do whatever you want. really. It's your story, your choice.
2303019
why should I take it the wrong way? I know that that this story isn't all that popular I just don't know exactly what I need to change.
I can assume that you by "first chapter" means that you don't think the second part is so good?
You know this story was thought to be an intro to a much bigger story set in the far future but... I just can't seem to crack the code of what it is this that I do wrong.
A more throughout analysis would be helpful.
This is some crazy cool stuff! Keep on writting!
This is an excellent story with an interesting premise and I can't wait for your next chapter.
On another note I can't help feel sorry for Celestia if she is freed from her version of nightmare.
2809440
I plan to take up writing this once I have finished my Speciale and I do have an ending in mind. I don't think you are going to be disapointed
3035286
what don't you get?