• Member Since 23rd Oct, 2015
  • offline last seen March 18th

SteffaniStar


I do important stuff and hug people.

T

After finally coming home from her Wonderbolts trainings, instead of her usual behavior, Rainbow behaves odd, and Twilight is determined to find out what's wrong, but that didn't go as planned. Things take an unexpected turn when an ancient villain returns and gets his eyes on the Mane 6. Rainbow blames herself for everything that happened and wants to fix the situation, but it won't be so easy...



Special thanks to Manaphy for writing advices :twilightsmile:
First chapter was re-written. Cover art isn't done by me.
Rated Teen for some darker scenes and topics in later chapters.
Now updating weekly-every Sunday.
Possible spoilers in the comments

Chapters (12)
Comments ( 61 )

Hmm...curious. What's got her bothered? You've gotten my attention. Let's see this through. ^^

Have you ever heard of spacing? Also when will you update it again?

6703993 I will update it weekly, probably on Friday or Saturday and I'll try to expand the chapters to at least 2000 words

"Oh, right. She can never handle the problem herself. She always sends her little, so called "friends" to do all the dirty work. While they fight for their lives, she eats!" Celestia put her hooves around her ears not to hear the whispers, but they only grew louder. It was all in her head, it was all in her head, it was all in head...
"She doesn't even know their names, yet she pretends to love them" It's not true, it's not true, Celestia thought. She was very weak when it came to taking insults. She was very kind and wise, but she could stand very long when somepony was mocking her.
"The only thing she knows is get the frickin' "magic stuff that shoots rainbows" and POW! The villain is turned into a flower for the next thousand years"

True story, thooooo. Also, turned into a flower? I smell Undertale.

Celestia... You need an editor very badly.

6777737 do you wanna be an editor? Or can you atleast recommend one? And please, point out the mistakes, if you don't mind.

Wow, steff.
I just found this story and it has a real nice story to it. You nailed the character speaking styles and the backstories you managed to cook up are actually pretty intriguing.
One thing though, I would recommend reading your story after you've written it. That way you can make the story go a bit smoother and avoid mistakes.
Or you could just get an editor. You can either join an "Looking for Editors" kind of group or I'd be happy to help :twilightsmile:

Either way, thanks for writing such a great story.
Waitin' for the next chapter :yay:

6852764 wow thank you! :pinkiehappy: also thanks for the advices, I'll try to re-read the chapters a couple of times, so I don't miss any mistakes. I'm in Looking For Editors group, but so far no progress :facehoof: once again, thanks for reading my story and the next chapter should come out on Sunday :twilightsmile:

6853507
No problem :pinkiehappy:
I know how hard it is too keep up with the chapter uploads. :twilightsheepish:
I'll be seeing you next sunday :trollestia:

Nice.
You know, I normally don't like reading long lines from the characters. But this is something different, It really has emotion inside it.
I can actually imagine you sobbing or being furious as you write these lines. I like the amount of work you seem to put in every single line, too.

The mistakes and typos seem to have decreased significantly also.

Keep up the great work, Steff. :applejackunsure:

This is good you should continue it.

Nooo please rainbow don't die!

So good, can't wait for the next one.

I was hoping for Rainbow to still be mute. :pinkiecrazy:

6960180 thank you! :pinkiehappy:


6960316 ah, yes, cliffhangers :pinkiecrazy:



6960569 well, I also wanted a little :pinkiecrazy: but you can't leave some questions unanswered, right? :rainbowderp:

6980151 well, thank you for supporting it! :pinkiehappy:

I just got around to reading the story :)
I see that "Fall of the Crystal Empire" reference there XD.
Nice work steff!
I'll be heading to the next chapter now =P

*slowly applauds and pushes Next

Beautiful
Can't wait for your next story

6982424
Always here to support y'all :)

Wow! Awesome!

There's a villain in room and you just run away? Is Rainbow dead for good?

6873872 Still alot of spacing errors though.

I'm confused as hell here.

Deathmist is still around, Loyalty didn't end so there is no reason for the Tragedy tag. I feel like this is incomplete.

Question. If Rainbow became a Wonderbolt, where's Tank?! :fluttercry:

:fluttercry:

I officially hate Twilight Sparkle.

Luna was comforting her, singing her a lullaby.

"Lullaby for a Princess" was the first thing that came to mind. :trollestia:

6779267

There were quite a few times where there where extra letters in a word that were not necessary...
eg-

apologize to eaach other

Also, why did you type the parts where characters speak like:
,,words"
instead of
"words"

???

Oh and a few grammar errors but yea, story still good.

7046400 I'm glad you enjoyed the story :pinkiehappy:

Oh, damnit, I thought I corrected double letters. :twilightoops: well, clearly I didn't... great... :facehoof:

Twilight and that monster is right though...

Seff,

Also instead of just reading your chapters over for mistakes, I found it helps to read your story out loud. That way you can hear what it sounds like and notice errors much quicker. The bran tends to assume that what you wrote is correct, so when you just read, sometimes your brain just goes over the mistake and you don't notice there is a mistake because the brain gets the overall idea of what you were trying to say.

Reading out loud also helps you know if what you wrote, is what you want the readers to visualize and understand.

I hope this helps for future stories,
WoDaBawz_RainbowDashIs

7047613 thank you for the advice. I think it will help me. Also, thank you for reading my story :twilightsmile:

RAAAAAAAAAINBOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWW!!!! :fluttershbad::ajsleepy::raritydespair:

6981790

Yes clearly with the

"You are nothing compared to them! You are nothing compared to me!” Nightmare Moon yelled, and fired another blast, making his body numb for a second.

Also, while Deathmist took over Rainbow, Nightmare Rarity came to mind too.

Lol so Nightmare Moon, Nightmare Rarity, and now sorta Nightmare Dash???
"THE RACE, WILL LAST FOREVER MWAHAHAHA!"

7047696

thank you for the advice.

No problem. It really helps in writing; especially in the story telling genre type.

And don't thank me for reading your story. Thank YOU for WRITING it! It was a really good story and worth my time.
:twilightsmile::ajsmug::raritywink::yay::pinkiehappy::rainbowkiss:

7046889

Read out loud :raritywink:

Also, I REALLY loved the Fall of the Crystal Empire reference! Recognized it in an instant!

7004538

1. Technically Deathmist is not around, just alive. Like mentioned in other chapters, you can't really kill it, you can only contain it temporarily.
2. Loyalty sorta ended with the five was following Dash. Like "Where's the loyalty in trusting Rainbow?"
But loyalty never ending when Dash was taken over by Deathmist. That was all Deathmist.
3. Tagged tragedy for Firefly's death? And possibly the secrets of the mane 6.

6981798

And I can't wait to read Once a Hero!

7047880 Feels unfinished to me which leaves me unsatisfied.

7047904

Makes sense I guess. Well what more do you want?

7048191 I was hoping Dash would actually die to fit the title and for them to stop deathmist

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