Heavy is the Crown Pt. 2
In tragic romance novels, heartbreak was always described as worse than what Luna felt now. Wasn't it supposed to be more acute, more piercing? Instead, there was this...dull ache in her ribs, as if she'd been struck with a blunted sword edge. A constant throb, pulsing with every step she took.
She’d never felt this before. Every tragic romance novel in the world could not have prepared her.
But what only made it worse was that she shouldn’t have been feeling it at all.
It was hard to imagine that only an hour ago, she had been happy and content, overflowing with love and joy. It seemed like a distant memory now, as if she’d been dreaming and had just woken up to the bitterness of reality.
Miraculously, the path Luna was currently taking through the crystal hallways remained empty and silent. In some corner of her mind yet untouched by pain, the Princess was grateful for this. She didn’t think she could bear wandering across another, who would no doubt comment on her distraught appearance.
She was very obviously distraught--it would take a blind pony to miss that. Tears streaking her face, head hanging low, ears flat against her neck…the ache was driving her mad.
She wanted to scream, to sob loudly, to let everypony know of her misery.
But…she didn’t.
The hall remained quiet--the only sound was the soft clatter of her hooves against the floor.
Her mind focused dully on the quiet repetition, mapping out words to the noise. Eventually, all the sentences running through her mind merged into one word: duty.
You have no choice.
All too soon, Luna reached the door to Sombra’s chambers…and that was when she realized she didn’t know what to say.
She couldn’t even justify this to herself, how could she do it for somepony else? Panic welled in her core, almost overpowering the stabbing pain still digging at her.
For a minute, Luna contemplated running. Turning tail and fleeing back to her chambers, leaving the matter unspoken.
Perhaps…perhaps she actually could get away with that. After all, how would anypony ever find out? Sombra didn’t have to know about the conversation that just took place…
Maybe this would work.
…Oh, who was she trying to fool? That was an unrealistic dream.
Somepony would find out, it didn't matter who. The news would spread till finally it reached Sombra's ears. He would be hurt, that much was certain. Hurt that she was hiding such a thing from him, that she was trying to distance herself while keeping up the pretense of being just as close as before. She didn't want to see him hurt...and knowing that it would be she who caused his pain? The idea was too much to bear.
You have no choice.
The young Princess took a deep breath, lifting a wing to wipe the remaining tears from her face, and finally worked up the fortitude to knock on the door.
It opened almost immediately, bathing her and the darkened hallway in a warm glow.
“Luna?”
The Princess’s heart gave another throb as Sombra’s face lit up at the sight of her, “Hello, my dear. I thought you’d gone.”
“Well, y-yes,” Luna stuttered, “I had. But now…we…well, we, um, we…um, w-we, um…” She cursed her stumbling tongue.
“Here, come in,” Sombra stepped back to admit entrance. Luna’s heart shrank further, but she trotted forlornly in.
“Now,” the King said, letting the door swing closed behind them, “what is—oh! Luna, you’re so pale. Is something wrong?”
“No,” Luna replied, wanting to throw up at the sweet concern in his voice. Just half an hour before, it would’ve made her blush and smile. Now it made her stomach twist into even more knots. “Well, yes. It’s…well…I’ve been thinking.”
“Yes?” Sombra took a seat on one of the decorative couches in the room, gesturing for her to sit next to him. Luna’s limbs moved automatically, lowering her slowly onto the cushions as well, even as the shards grew sharper and dug deeper. Sombra patted her hoof gently, giving her a smile that didn’t quite mask the concern in his eyes.
“Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be,” Luna whispered, wincing at every quaver in her voice. “Please.”
“Luna?” Sombra frowned. He tucked a hoof beneath her chin, slowly lifting her head. He was gentle, so sweet that Luna wanted to scream. “Oh, my dear, you’re trembling. Please tell me what’s wrong.”
“My heart’s been…” Luna trailed off. Her heart had been throbbing, aching, shattering, “…sinking. And…we…well, we can’t go on.”
“What?” Sombra’s worried frown shifted to one of puzzlement. “Is this some joke? Luna, I appreciate your sense of humor, but this isn’t very funny.”
“I wish it was a joke,” Luna said numbly, standing up and taking a few paces forwards, as if the air would be easier to breathe the further away she was from him. “But…we…can't love each other anymore. We have to stop.”
“…what?” Luna didn’t dare to look at Sombra’s face.
You have no choice.
“But what of the marriage? Both of them? Luna, what is happening?”
“Purely political,” the night-bringer said bleakly. “And…nothing else.”
“Oh, Luna,” the King said helplessly. “What did I do? Where did I go wrong?”
“No, please!” Luna begged, turning around and almost turning taking a step towards him. She barely managed to stop herself and the stallion stared at her hopelessly, as if he’d seen her involuntary twitch. “It’s not you. Don’t blame yourself.”
“Then who was it?” Sombra asked, an odd edge to his voice. “What was it? You were so happy…we were so happy. What could’ve changed your mind?”
Luna looked away, unable to take his piercing gaze. She bit back the name that hovered on the tip of her tongue, hoping against hope he would take her silence as a suitable answer.
“…Celestia.”
His tone made it clear he was not asking a question—he was stating a fact. Luna squeezed her eyes shut, as if closing them would make everything go away.
“It is her,” he pressed, “isn’t it? This was all her.” Apparently, he couldn’t just sit with the realization. He needed confirmation. Luna bit her lip, hard enough to pierce the skin. A trickle of blood ran down her lip, dropping to the floor below.
Yes, her mind screamed. It was her. I don’t want this. Don’t listen to her.
“…why?” Sombra sounded nearly angry. "Why would she do this?"
In spite of her best efforts, tears spilled from Luna's eyes, trickling down her face.
“I’m immortal,” she said, feeling her breath hitch. The next sob was strangled, coming out as a painful cough. “I’m going to outlive you. I…can’t do that,” her voice became a high whisper. “Please don’t make me do that.”
“But that doesn’t have to happen,” Sombra urged, sounding desperate. “There still might be a way. I don’t have to die! There has to be a spell, or—”
“No.” Luna shook her head. She should have been excited, eager to look for a solution, but she couldn't summon the energy. Her chest throbbed.
“Luna…please,” Sombra begged. “Don’t give up on me.” The Night Princess shook her head wearily, backing towards the door.
“I have to leave,” she said, hating herself for saying it. “Goodbye, Sombra.”
“Please!” the King’s last words echoed into the darkened hallway as the door swung shut.
Luna wanted to scream.
But all that escaped her throat was another gasping sob as she fled the hallway.
Well, this chapter kicked my butt. My brain feels like a pile of mush now. 
In any case, I hope you all enjoyed it! It took a lot of work on part of both me and my proofreader, and I'm...reasonably happy with it. (It could be better, but I'm extremely ready to be done with it.) And now the ball begins rolling!
Stay tuned for the next chapter!
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Ribe_FireRain · 2.1k words · 11 0 · 303 views
- Askre · 90k words · 45 3 · 1.7k views
Stats
Page generated in 0.066 seconds
Total duration
1,061 users online
2,415,202 hits today, 2,707,512 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
How on earth did I manage to create two random, empty comments?
10273138
Wow. THAT was really good. I got so exited when I saw this story got an update! I’ll definitely be sticking around for the next chapters.
They might have to thank Celestia because of this. After all, how else would they have started thinking about him getting a longer lifespan?
So, my problem with this chapter is that it tries to do a lot with very barebones stuff compared to your previous installments. There isn't a lot of explaining where there should be, especially for a fallout chapter.
First up is the body language. It's missing from a lot of sections. We get a vague idea of where the characters are, and it's understandable. There is only the hallway and Sombra's chambers in this chapter. However, we don't get to see the setting utilized in a way to create an emotional atmosphere. After the hallway scene, the details become excessively sparse. We don't know too much about what's in Sombra's chambers, such as what is significant to him and how seeing those things makes Luna feel. Sombra and Luna's exchange suffers from what's called "talking head syndrome" with extremely sudden changes in body language that seems to contradict the words they say, but it's hard to tell when the tone and atmosphere weren't as clear here.
The best example for the body language/dialogue is when Sombra is talking to Luna and his dialogue sounds sad/concerned. Yet, immediately afterward he gives Luna a "piercing" look, which suggests anger. Either that was the fastest mood swing in the Wild West, or you were probably aiming for something else, action-wise.
Repetition and awkward descriptions also come up a lot. Many of your sentences begin in the exact same ways, and then those sentences are clustered together a bit. This is a simple fix because all you have to do is have some more variation to them in order to keep from sounding laconic. The rest of your sentences are fine; there's just quite a few same-y starts. Another thing that you manage to make the word 'throb' come across as overused instead of repetition. It's also not a particularly helpful descriptor since not much actually throbs. Normally, that's something that only fits with a sense of physical injury or impairment. If Luna's heart is throbbing, then by all means it would be very active, and she wouldn't look pale. You're likely looking for other words, possibly: patter, beat, pulse, or something similar.
I know you've probably been advised not to use a thesaurus in writing, but I think you would benefit from it as long as you took care to look up word differences with a dictionary too.
Unclear phrasing happens in multiple instances. The biggest one was here:
How is she cursing? Is she chiding herself inwardly? Making a movement? Thinking something about herself? Is this a physical action that is taking place or something only the reader and Luna would be able to know (ie. taking place in her head)?
One thing to do when you find something like this in your own writing is to see if what you've written answers Those Hecking Important Questions: Who? What? Where? When? Why? How? So far, I have Luna (who) cursing (what) but everything else is a more than a little unclear. The why could be assumed but the how is up in the air. A way to remedy this would be to set up the phrase in a way that lets a reader infer there is something internal happening, like so:
It's a little tell-y, but for internal actions that is very appropriate and to be expected. Now, when someone reads a line like this, they know it's happening in Luna's head.
The dialogue isn't particularly effective, which leaves the reader confused at the end. While you can format dialogue fine, the conversation didn't come across as dramatically strained. Instead, it avoided all the juiciest bits the reader wanted and needed to know. The characters are at a misunderstanding that feels forced with what was said because it doesn't match well with what two characters who really get each other would say. As a result, there's some anticlimatic stuff going down.
One way to really work on dialogue is to see if it can answer at least one of those questions above. 'Why' is one of the most important ones. We don't get to know a lot of why, and then for replies, we don't see as much of 'how do the lovers react' as we should. All Sombra knows by the end of this is that Celestia has been meddling with Luna's perceptions, and Luna just... still goes along about the immortality thing? Sombra sounds like he has a plan, but Luna doesn't acknowledge it very much.
I still really want to see what happens next, but the writing really ended up funky here. The previous chapters had a lot of good descriptions and moments of tension. One thing you excelled at was showing the castle interior and making the reader get to explore the Crystal Empire along with Luna. Here, she doesn't have much of a voice past the opening scene of this chapter.
10275261
Yeah, I knew this chapter fell flat compared to the other ones. *sigh* I really should've just slowed down while trying to write it, but I get so nervous when I have large gaps of time between chapters...
If I ever go back and revise earlier chapters, this is probably the one that will need the most work.
10275264
Recognizing what needs work done is the first step to improvement. I wouldn't say your problem was writing it too fast, just that you published it too soon after finishing it. Think of it like rushing to do a test because you had anxiety and it turns out you hadn't gotten the grade you thought. This is just like that.
Un capitulo lleno de sentimientos, me hizo llorar mucho
por favor continua y no te centres en la critica. Esto solo son fanfictions, no tienen que ser perfectos, se supone que este espacio es para creadores que se aventuran a dar riendas a su creatividad. No es un trabajo. Lo haces muy bien, realmente disfruté todo, es de mis fics lunbra favoritos. Gracias por todo el tiempo que le dedicaste a esto.
Disculpa por no utilizar el inglés, pero soy tan mala en ello, lmao.