• Member Since 30th Aug, 2019
  • offline last seen 2 hours ago

My Little Epona


mom said it's my turn with the braincell

T

History is a funny thing--so easily twisted to fit the one pony's opinion, and then that opinion can become widespread, now viewed as unchangeable fact.
The Crystal Empire is one prime example of that. It is very different from what everypony thinks to this day...


(Part of the Eponaverse)


Inspired by the Symphonic Metal Opera by L-Train


Many thanks to my (very patient :twilightsheepish:) proofreader, The Sound of Loneliness!

Chapters (8)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 89 )

First person narration? That's very interesting...

This opening feels like the beginning of a D&D game, and it's based on the L-Train Metal Opera I haven't listened to...okay, you've hooked me. I'll keep track of where this is going, right after I listen to Fall of an Empire.

10081850
Thanks for the comment!
Yeah, that narration killed me when I was writing. XD I kept switching back to second person....
The next chapter will be in past tense, how I usually write. I only wanted to put this one in present tense to differ between events happening in the past, and events happening in the present.
Fall of an Empire is a GREAT song. It's one of my favorites.

10081862
Ah, so that's why you did that. Now everything makes sense...

I've only listened to Moonrise, which is pretty good, but I'll take your word for it that Fall of an Empire is all that and a bag of chips. :rainbowlaugh:

Oh god, i listen to that daily. Well then, time to indulge in its written form!

Sounds great so far! Aaand i might have sung along with the bard. Well, can't wait for more!

I do like Fall of an Empire and my favourite is... it's gotta be Heaven's Fury!

10083129
Same! That, or Crossroads of Life.....

If this is a crossover, then you should mark it as such. Is this the first story of the Eponaverse?

10088500
No, it's actually the second--both stories are up on my profile page! Oh, and it's not a crossover.

What's the Eponaverse? I'm confused

10092992
It's my universe of Next Gen. So far, it only has two stories--both of which are up on my profile page. (One of them is really bad tho.....lol)

10093001
Oh ok, now far next gen? Like G5 prediction?

10093008
No. Like, the kids of the Mane Six and so on. THAT kind of next gen. XD

10093014
Yeah. Something of a continuation. XD
I will be ignoring certain canon from the show, so it's more like an alternate universe.

Well if he's an umbrum he's doing a magnificent job of hiding it. And Celestia ought to be more respectful of her sister's interests, surprising as it might be, constant antagonism can spoil a relationship quite easily.

I blame Starswirl, I'm certain this is all his fault somehow.

10098570
Oh, he's not an Umbrum in this story. I'll be ignoring certain canon from the show, so I suppose I really should mark this as an AU.....

Really enjoying this so far, thanks for writing this. :twilightsmile:
I'm in. :pinkiehappy:

10100108
Thanks for reading! Glad you're enjoying it so far.

I had planned on making a fanfic based off of the L-train's Fall of an Empire... Seems like someone beat me to it though. Lol.

I've always considered myself bad at writing romance.

Really? You're doing quite well at it so far.

10104610
I've considered myself bad at writing a lot of different genres, but romance was my area of expertise. And I'd agree with you. He is doing a good job.

I basically think this is Crossroads of Life.

10104803
Good, cause that's what I was trying to aim for. XD

Huh! I gotta hand it to you, Epona: you know what's melodic. Using L-Train's work to set up the mood is actually an inspired idea.
I won't say anything about your choice of plot tools, for there is nothing objective about it. What is objective is that I kept finding confused and outright missed spaces, comas, columns and capital letters all the way to the end of your third (and last for the moment of me writing) chapter.

As for the less technical sides of the story...hard to say with only having 6 thousand words. Though I can tell you that Luna and Sombra did get their relationship started properly. Sombra knew exactly what to say, almost like he knew exactly what she's like.
Luna making artwork in the sky is a brilliant thing. With you, Epona, being an artist yourself I can feel you having an experience with exactly this matter. That's a really really good thing. An artist has to pour everything they feel into their art. And I legitimately felt Luna's love for her night and for every creature under the moon being there to share it with her.
This one moment alone already makes it worth to read through.

10104825

I won't say anything about your choice of plot tools, for there is nothing objective about it. What is objective is that I kept finding confused and outright missed spaces, comas, columns and capital letters all the way to the end of your third (and last for the moment of me writing) chapter.

Yeah........FiMfiction doesn't like me copy-pasting things from another document. I don't have an editor, so I usually go over the chapters myself, but.....apparently some things just don't show up with one quick read-through. :twilightsheepish: I'll try harder next time.
Thanks so much for all your kind words! It's good to know that something I've been putting a lot of thought into is being appreciated. It's also one of my headcanons that Luna is a patroness of art and culture in Equestria, as opposed to Celestia, who seems to focus and learning and innovation. :raritywink:

10104838
There is a neat browser app called Grammarly that can help you with your issue. I can tell you from experience that a machine can never compare to the human eye in anything that comes to the creative process; so do not trust it completely, you would still need to read your thing yourself too. For pure spelling and punctuation checks, though, it is very helpful nonetheless.

10112498
Thanks! Hope you'll continue to enjoy it. :raritywink:

10104838
I could be your editor if you like? I'm better at spotting mistakes in someone else's stories rather than mine.

10112517
That'd be great!!!!! Thanks a lot.

Every time the parts of the song appear, i can't stop myself from singing along. Amazing work so far, can't wait for more!

I keep finding punctuation mistakes, but... I suppose nobody cares about those except for us, philologists. I must say though, I envy your use of vocabulary. You always seem to know the correct word. Ah, the eternal problem of learning foreign languages. You can study a language your entire life, but you will always be humbled by the natives. *sigh*

The characters are really a joy, too. Your heroine, in particular, feels very familiar. I think I can guess pretty reliably the certain game horse she's based on.

10118012
Thanks so much!!! I'm glad you're enjoying it. :pinkiehappy:
10118128
I like to think that if there's a strong point in my stories, it's my use of words. Could you show me an example of where I got punctuation wrong? I'm always looking to improve, and it may help me later! :twilightsmile:

Your heroine, in particular, feels very familiar. I think I can guess pretty reliably the certain game horse she's based on.

How'd ya guess? :raritywink: I'm actually hoping to turn this into a series, and I will be doing a lot more fleshing out of her character in the next fic!

10118484

“If I had to guess, the hour is near midnight, if not past.” Quick Strings continues.

Well, here's the most common one. If you intend to continue with "said," "told," "responded," "continued," etc. you gotta use coma at the end of the character's words. Because the constructs like "she said" are not separate sentences, but... kinda like an explanation for the previous part, you are telling your reader who said what and in which tone... if that makes any sense. Grammar gets surprisingly intricate when you start thinking about it.
Since you got an editor, if Breezy Shade didn't quit it already, you should just get them to proofread it for you. Correcting mistakes ain't entirely the writer's job. You are supposed to focus on, actually, writing.

10118495
Aaaah got it! Okay, thanks a lot! I'll take that into mind.

Intriguing... You have my attention.

And an Alicorn with a broken heart was a dangerous thing.

I assume so... After all, nothing can truly replace your first love, can it?

Sombra gave a soft smile, holding out his hoof to her. Luna laid hers on to of it, gently, cautiously leaning against him. He excepted her slight weight, letting his head drop on top of her own. A small shiver ran over Luna’s spine as she realized she could feel the warmth radiating from his coat.

Well, now I’m hooked on finding out how he falls away from the light, into shadow and darkness...

In my opinion, this is Heavy is the Crown I think, I could be wrong.

10140997
No, it's not, haven't got there quite yet. :twilightsheepish:
Two more chapters, I think.....

They're lovely together.

Honoured to be an inspiration. You ever need me to go on another one of my mile-long monologues about something you never cared enough to think about, just give me a sign.

The bard seems friendly. He’d make a great YouTuber.

“But unbearable tragedy was the price,” Sombra argued. “In contrast to the proper quote, the ends really don’t justify the means. Actually, if you think about it, in the end the story isn’t about love after all. Love was simply a way for Hakespeare to deliver to us his real message—“Ponykind, look at what your senseless feuds and intrigues do to your own lives. Imagine how beautiful it would've been if the two families weren't murderously opposed to each other. Do you really want to be like them?”

This will be a true tragedy when Sombra turns evil...

10148353
While I was writing out the dialogue, I realized: "Hey! This is unintentional foreshadowing! It was an accident, but I love it!"
Thanks for the favorite, btw!

Really Celestia, if you're so set on shipping your sister off on an arranged marriage, you shouldn't be surprised when she tries to make the best of it.

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!