Mirror Star
Joined 25th Aug, 2017 ·
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This does need some brushing up a bit. As well as more detail added to it, but overall, I did like it
. The one thing that distracted me was the coloring of the words when the characters were speaking. Other than those, pretty decent.
Very unique pairing! Pun unintended, heh.
I need more Mane Six parent swinging pls. Been a secret kink of mine for a while now.
10194199
I've got a few of those already out and some on the way.
10194206
Thank you! Will give those a look, and eagerly await any you have in progress!
This is your official review from Dirty Little Secret's Dirty Little Contest!
Remember to vote in the contest's poll -- voting closes at midnight, June 6th.
And make sure to allow notifications from the contest group and/or follow Dirty Little Secret to get the full results and the awards show post on June 9th!
------ Review ------
Please keep in mind, I know I can be overly critical and negative at times. I can always find something to nitpick, even in the greatest works of literature ever written. Please don't take it personally!
-This story really doesn't waste any time with anything extraneous.
-The colored text is annoying, and the light grey text is especially difficult to read on a light background.
-There's some significant tense slipping.
-
make out session-- makeout should probably be one word. Or at least hyphenated.-
her hairy chest-- well, okay...-
in that regard.".-- the extra period indicates that the sentence is very over.-
immeidatley-- come on ... at least run a spellcheck.-Body spray, really? Well, that certainly gets a visceral reaction from me. I'll give it that. But the way she tells him not to use a condom because of his body spray is just ... insane. Completely unbelievable.
-The grammar and style are both problematic.
-Tons of telling and glossing over details.
-Not much emotion or conflict.
-Interesting to see two older ponies going at it like teenagers.
------ Scores ------
To clarify what these scores mean, check my judging rubric.
Cloppability: 40/100
Allure: 15/100
Enticement: 60/100
Immersion: 10/100
Prose Quality: 20/100
Total Score: 145/500
The more specialized scores for individual prizes, as well as the results of the community poll, will be published when the full results are announced. If this story wins any awards, there will be another post in the story comments sometime after June 9th announcing that this story has won.
Thank you for participating, and thank you for contributing to Fimfic's collection of clop!
10250627
That's fine. If I'm being honest, I did this one to see if I could get another one in before deadline and this is an official contest. I welcome the critisicm because this is a contest and I didn't expect to be getting off easy just because. I write for fun anyway so it's not like I'm trying to get an "oscar" for all of this.
As for grammer, I get that a lot but sometimes I feel that I must have different grammer rules than most people or I do miss stuff that I don't know about.
Anyway, I do appreicate that this got to participate in the contest in the first place. I knew this story wasn't going to win anything nor do I believe that my otehr one is going to win anything. If nothing else, this contest got me off my butt to write stuff.
10250637
I feel like I have completely different standards for writing sex scenes so I feel your pain.
10250693
I think I have that "problem" too. We're all different when it comes to our writting styles.
10250732
There are some things that are universal like grammar and some things that are subjective like style. The lines often blur when it comes to writing and they really blur when it comes to fetish and fantasy.