- Member Since 3rd Jun, 2019
- offline last seen Wednesday
Blacklightzero98
Just a guy who wants to write stories
Blacklightzero98
Joined 3rd Jun, 2019 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Sand Storm · 40k words · 263 57 · 7.5k views
- JioafiaTheNoob · 53k words · 31 2 · 407 views
- RandomChance · 11k words · 491 41 · 9.4k views
- FixerFox · 5k words · 113 4 · 1.5k views
- PsychoFox44 · 12k words · 179 17 · 3.4k views
- Thecorpsmancolt · 12k words · 145 6 · 2.8k views
- Weapons_X · 457k words · 1,177 111 · 18k views
Stats
Page generated in 0.133 seconds
Total duration
717 users online
680,634 hits today, 2,073,628 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/51knyPdbTNL.jpg
This fic is a perfect example of why I don’t give constructive criticism. There’s nothing I could say or you could do to fix it.
https://www.fimfiction.net/writing-guide#Paragraphing
9826648
Then maybe you should start listening....
9826648
It might help if your stories don't always have a lion in them and use the same tags over and over again. I have nothing against lions.
Using them all the time though might turn people off.
Best I can do to help.
9826672
Out of everything, you choose to pick out the lions. Are you secretly a gazelle?
Sounds like something a secret gazelle would say.
9826675
You're obviously insane or high. Or both at the moment. Come back later let's try again.
9826679
I don't get high. Leaving aside the question of whether I am insane... I missed an autoincorrection that Gboard made for me. It's fixed now. Should make more sense. Typing on mobile is the worst.
But seriously, lions? Next you'll tell me that some of your best friends are lions, so you clearly can't be speciesist.
9826648
Criticism is good. It's how we learn and grow. Judging from the comment on your front page, you seem to want to improve.
My advice is to take it on the chin and keep writing. Listen to the comments about your writing style. Study the rules. Improve. You'll get less or different criticism as you grow.
If you'd like tips and advice before you publish instead of after, find someone who can help by pre-reading and criticizing your writing privately. For general writing advice or to workshop small passages, you can find a lot of helpful people on the FimFiction discord server.
That's no fun. I hope you can look past the insults and get help with the writing.
I found it a little hard to keep track of who was talking since they were all put together
9826745
Yeah, SOP for such things is that each person talking becomes a new paragraph...
It should say who is puting them
Oh hey! I was looking through the comments and then to the story and looks like you've made some big improvements already! Just having the sentences separated out and a new paragraph for each speaker helps.
Another thing (that I used to do allll the time before someone here pointed it out), is that when you use speech tags (like he said, she asked, etc) you put a comma inside the quotes.
This should be:
This one is ok, because it's a question! Same with using exclamation marks.
Hope this might help a little!
Not me in case you are wondering. Also, you might want to fix one of the paragraphs in this chapter, just so you know.
9828238
Tell me which paragraph and I'll fix it.
9828267
This one
"Oh, my stars, darling, how come you don't have any clothes?" Rarity asked.
"Because Twilight summoned me here while I was sleeping." Kion answered.
9828606
Got it done.
Why does this story have a need to make pony characters into mindless jerks so the OCs can show off how "cool" they are? It's not, and neither are they. It makes them look like violent idiots unfit for civil society.
And it sacrifices canon characters to do it, which is kinda pathetic in its own right. I can almost understand the Blueblood thing, even if it's a cheap writing trick and beating a dead horse, but Shining Armor? Really? Nevermind how the guy is a powerful Unicorn but he has to fold so Kion and co can look oh-so cool. It's bending the narrative to masturbate the OCs.
Now, if the story really wanted to surprise me... then it would include parts where reality doesn't get on its knees to service Kion and his cronies. Like, maybe, I don't know, people acting like he's a killer who tried to murder a guard captain. That's kind of a no-no in most societies. And I know Shining started it, but that was so utterly out-of-character that I can't take it seriously anyway.
I'm sorry for the sharp tone, but dude, this... doesn't really work, except as authorial wank material.
Right. After the part above, let me try and come up with something more constructive.
For one, the tone is a problem. You appear to want to show pony society as peaceful and, well, weak. Leaving aside the why (I already explained my guess), this creates a clash with how aggressive you make the ponies. Or rather, all the pony guys, who are not drooling over Kion's rad body. You should pick one: Either weak prey ponies, or aggressive, not aggressive PLUS weak so your OC can beat them up whenever he feels like it.
Heck, you've done it three times now! In just two(!) chapters!
That goes double for Shining Armor, who is a caring father, a valorous soldier, and a frighteningly powerful barrier mage, as well as prince of his own realm. But here, he's an idiot, a thug, and a pushover. I don't understand why. Just to show off Kion? Or because he's going to get in the sack with Cadance later? I'm honestly confused and frustrated. You could have used any other character for it; Shining Armor is one of the literally worst choices. Make up some aggressive new guard officer for it, then maybe you could slip in a lesson about knowing what battles to pick, too. As it is, you will have to address that Kion also just maimed Twilight Sparkle's brother. Is she just going to accept that? Why? She loves him dearly. There is no reason why she wouldn't be angry with Kion, or at least worried after what he did.
Indeed, actions should have consequences. You noted how this batch wouldn't have superpowers, but you're kinda writing them like they do. They're super-strong, super-aggressive and hyperviolent, but nothing happens in return. Everybody just nods along because... well, they're your OCs and I believe you just don't want them to face any consequences. Which is bad for storytelling. If it's obvious nothing bad can happen to them no matter what they do, then it becomes boring watching them. There's no tension, no reason to get invested, because all that's going to happen is for them to show off some more how awesome they are.
Give us a reason to care for them. Being immune to consequences is not interesting, being super-strong is not interesting unless it's coupled with something else. Trotting out an endless parade of easily-beaten pony stallions who are suddenly braindead and pick fights with them for no reason isn't helping, it makes matters worse.
Here's something you could do: Let someone explain to Kion who Shining Armor is. He says he only cares about what people have done, right? Well, this pony kept a shield up over an entire city, over several days, even while asleep, and being drained by a mind-controlling emotional vampire. Think of how insane that is. More importantly, give Shining Armor a reason for why he was picking this fight in the first place. As it is, it really looks like you're just setting up that Cadance will leave him for Kion who probably has a bigger dick too (even if that makes no sense anatomy-wise).
Okay, okay, sorry for the sarcasm there. Look, you're obviously passionate about this and I want nobody to stop writing. Just, think about why your characters are doing what they're doing, alright? Like, why does Kion get accosted by one guy after the other? Is it because it makes sense, or is it because you have fun writing him strong? If it's just the latter, that's not really enough for a good story.
Also, my comments are often harsh, but I'm not a bad guy. If you want to talk about things regarding your story, you can. Send me a PM and we'll talk. I do like helping people when I can. Not always the fastest to answer, but I try. Good luck, and cheers!
9831991
Kion's not my OC, he's an actual character from The Lion King franchise, and Twilight will talk to him about hurting Shining Armor.
And do you remember the time that Shining Armor ignored a threat and disowned Twilight just so he can have his stupid wedding?
Fun fact: lions are stronger than human beings and earth ponies so it's natural for Kion to be this strong.
9832722
Ah. My mistake. Though... is he a hyper-aggressive killer there too? That sounds weird for a Lion King character. Not saying I know, mind.
Yes, I remember. He was mind-controlled. Do you remember when he disagreed with Chrysalis and got zapped in the head for it? That was the reason why Twilight had her freakout during the rehearsal in the first place. He was affected by her. And please don't tell me that he wasn't, because then I would need to ask in return what you think the magic zap to his head actually was, and why he had headaches whenever he did something Chrysalis didn't like (like strengthen the shield, disagree with her) and got zapped when in her presence.
Is the Shining Armor in your story also being mind-controlled? Because I would buy his behavior then.
How do you know lions are stronger than earth ponies? They're stronger than humans too. Well, it's your world, so it's ultimately your choice, but again, think about why you chose what you did—and consider both strengths and weaknesses. For example, what would have happened if Shining Armor used his magic? Would Kion be stronger then too?
9832814
Just wait until Kion clams Celestia's sword as his own, but if Shining Armor can separate the Amaterasu from Kion he probably would have an advantage.
9832905
Just keep in mind what I've been trying to tell you, okay? About considering a character's strengths and weakness, why a character should or should not have either, and how that furthers the narrative? The way you said that makes me think Kion has a good chance to break Shining Armor's magic shield, and I am really not sure how he's supposed to do that.
One more thing: Your last story had Kion wield two katanas. A katana is a two-handed sword. It's short for a two-handed weapon, but it is. Deadpool uses two katanas, true, but it's kinda dumb for him to do so too; not because of the length of the blade, but the hilt's. It's awkward. To be fair, that's a nitpick and I doubt most people know enough to care. Aside from me, that is. I'm a dork.
He does have the roar
9833216
Wait, wait wait wait. He's as smart as Batman, who is regularly referred to as a genius in-universe—like, top five smartest people on the planet—and stronger than the character who effortlessly overpowered the physically strongest 'regular mortal' character in the series?
I see the headline for the next chapter implies a battle. I'm really, really curious to see how that plays out.
Can you please do a chapter in the pride lands with the lion king cast
I agree with the criticisms of The Great Derpsby, and I also suggest that you try to make the story more consistent, there are parts where there seems to be a scene break (such as when Kion appears in front of the Main six with amaterasu) that can cause history loses its consistency, this can be solved by writing the path of Kion and Celestia to the throne and Kion taking amaterasu, I know this may seem filling but for me, it improves the quality of the story
9833700
The story has (unfortunately and inadvertently, I think) written itself into a corner with the whole Shining Armor subplot. See, the wedding scenario has two possible ways in which it can have gone down:
In the first, he was being mind-controlled, at the very least Chrysalis was already in his mind. He's not responsible for what he said to Twilight during the rehearsal. It was a setup by Chrysalis to alienate Twilight from them all and get rid of her when she was all alone. Everything falls neatly into place then.
In the second, he wasn't mind-controlled. He was in full control of his faculties. Then, the story needs to explain why
A) he had those headaches whenever he did something going against Chrysalis's wishes,
B) she zapped him when he openly disagreed with her,
C) he did what she wanted him to even though he originally refused, only obeying after she zapped him (he wanted to wear a sash, she didn't like it, he ended up not wearing it while in her clutches and wearing it when freed),
and
D) how Twilight is still in the right after all. Because, let's all remember, Twilight Sparkle didn't warn anyone about a fake Cadance, she warned them that Cadance was evil. Which she based on her (Cadance) zapping Shining Armor in the head. But, if the zapping didn't actually do anything... then Twilight's accusation becomes baseless. She had zero idea about Changelings, about invasions, about any of it. She even argued calling off the wedding over Cadance being snippy at one point. That a third party was involved came as a complete surprise to her, exactly like everyone else. She just wanted to protect her Big Brother Best Friend Forever, whom she had just seen getting zapped in the head, from Cadance, her old foalsitter, who she believed had done the zapping. In other words, in this constellation, Twilight was only right by complete accident.
To put it in a simpler example: Imagine Twilight accused someone holding a gun to someone else's head of being evil, then it turns out it's just a water pistol—but then it turns out the guy with the water pistol also planted a bomb under the building, and now Twilight is pissed that they didn't take her initial warning seriously... even though it was just a water pistol and nobody knew about the bomb.
9833850
Still it doesn't excuse the fact that the main 5 and Celestia were ignoring a threat in Cantorlot over a stupid wedding and Kion had heard half of the story.
9834150
Celestia, Luna, the Mane Five and Spike, actually. To be fair, Luna wasn't in the throne room during the rehearsal... or the invasion. She must be a really heavy sleeper.
Yes, they didn't follow up on Twilight's freakout. Her friends did listen the first few times she complained to them, but that was when she said the wedding shouldn't happen because Cadance was cranky. During the rehearsal, after Shining Armor shot her down, Twilight had no evidence for her accusations. She had so little evidence that you know who else was convinced Twilight Sparkle was wrong? Twilight Sparkle. She even begged Chrysalis-as-Cadance for forgiveness because she thought she'd made a mistake.
However, let me also say, yes, her friends and her teacher made mistakes, too. They could've followed up on Shining Armor being affected by mind-magic, though let me ask you in turn, in the scenario implied here, where Shining Armor wasn't being controlled... what were they supposed to find? If the head-zapping didn't do anything then Twilight's accusation is baseless.
By the way, Applejack did apologise, pretty much speaking for the group as she was also the one who said they would go to comfort Cadance. Many writers forget that.
Furthermore, you don't have Cadance, Twilight, and Kion angry with Twilight's friends, you have them be furious with Shining Armor. And Celestia, to a lesser extent, but Shining Armor is the one who gets most of the hate. Kion wanted to kill him. Twilight hates him now. Cadance can't stand the sight of him. You need to explain why. Why that makes sense. All those things I noted, how they fit, unless everyone is just being epically petty and stupid, you need to put in an order that makes logical sense.
You say Kion only knows half the story. Alright, but Twilight and Cadance should know all of it, yet they act like they don't and Shining Armor doesn't get to defend himself in a way that makes sense. No, you need to decide: Was he mind-controlled, or was he not? And if he wasn't, what about points A to D above? Explain it, or retcon it away. Which will be difficult since you showed in the flashback that the head-zapping happened.
Is Kion right or is he wrong to be angry with Shining Armor? And why? And what will happen because of that? That's the central conflict of the story as of this moment. It needs a working premise or it becomes illogical. And please note, I am not saying Kion, Twilight and Cadance can't act in an irrational manner, but if they do, it should be treated as such.
9834279
I'm explaining everything in the next chapter as we speak.
Good, very good, and thanks for leaving out the super powers. Cause telling that type of story is way too commercial, like how Rudolph saves Christmas.
9834547
Good thing I left out the superpowers, I wanted to put more ground on Kion and make him more like Robin from the Teen Titans, no powers but still has some good skills.
9834633
Well, besides that I think he should stay on fair ground anyways. Also, mind telling me whats next?
9834641
Kion's getting info on the wedding incident and he's also recovering from the after effects of Sombra's dark magic.
9834654
Oh, but he already knows about the wedding. So why bother dwelling in the past?
Well, that was quick.
Sorry, sorry, before it looks like I'm an unpleasable nagger... I actually like that they got over this quickly. Even with Celestia, who, if she really hadn't apologised since then, should. So, yeah. Good on them.
All in all, you could probably give yourself a little more time with the scenes. Like, explore them a bit more. Imagine you're shooting a film and we, the readers, are your audience; we only see what you show us, or hint to us. So, slow down a bit! Let your audience in on the things you see in your mind! We wouldn't be here to comment if we didn't have any interest in seeing it.
Does this kion not have the roar
So he can bench press four tons, but he has no superpowers? What's a superpower then? Four tons and five pounds?
By the way, Twilight, are you going to return that sword to Celestia? Kion kinda stole it. It's not his. He had just decided he should have it. Then he gave it to you, and you... kinda didn't give it back to Celestia. Or even offer to give it back.
9836981
No, he doesn't.
I was excited to see this, until I noticed a few key details, one, its a lion king crossover, not just that ik I did read some of it, but like....dude,,,,, you have ratings disabled, and it seems the story is moving at a pace far to fast, it jumps so suddenly I just can't even keep up with it, you need to work on your pacing, and also you need to learn to deal with people who won't like you story, you disabled ratings , that just goes to show you can't take criticism shown by a little green thumbs up or a red thumbs down, sorry if this is rude, but you pretty much asked for this comment from me after I saw how horrible the story goes in pace, the fact it's lion king, nothin against those who like that, just not somethin I'd think about writin a fic about, and how you disabled ratings, I normally judge a story on the first chapter, and how many likes/dislikes it has, and my own personal taste, however this story I couldn't get halfway through the first chapter before I decided to stop trying to kill my braincells, once again, I am very sorry if this is rude, but like, just re read this and hopefully you'll see my point
9838709
You don't need superpowers in order to be tough, if I recall, Batman without wearing any armor had been thrown to walls so hard that it cracked and he still kept on fighting, the same goes with the Joker and especially Bane without the use of venom, and the reason why Kion kept on fighting is because his adrenaline was pumping during the fight, the reason why Cozy Glow and Tirek retreated is because Cozy Glow realized that they needed a plan to capture Kion and separate him from the ponies, and Zira is like the Equestria version of Carnage and Akuma, the ponies didn't know what they were getting into and they never delt with an unkillable serial killer before so be thankful that I didn't kill off the main ponies, and I recall, Dante from the Devil May Cry series is also a Gary Stu but a bigger one, Kion can't survive getting impaled like Dante can because Kion is still mortal, Kion desperately tried to not get hit but he got hit anyway and now he needs immediate first aid to patch up all of his wounds, I will write a chapter of Kion going out to hunt Zira and the Legion of Doom without the Amaterasu and show you a different outcome but for now I'm writing a chapter on his recovery.
9839550
Just an aside: All of that should be explained in the story, not in the comments.