- Member Since 3rd Jun, 2019
- offline last seen Sunday
Blacklightzero98
Just a guy who wants to write stories
Blacklightzero98
Joined 3rd Jun, 2019 ·
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I'll be honest, I do not like the development of the protagonist so far, you're putting together the story of two completely different characters in another with a personality that does not correspond to either of the two and many people who like these characters (me included) do not he's going to like you to use his stories to create your character, I understand that this is your first story, but using the stories of other characters to make the protagonist will make people who know the characters you used do not like yours
I would recommend you redo the prologue and create a story for your character, for example, that Simba is an evolution created by Mercer that crosses with Celestia, rescues it and transports it to Equestria
MMMMOOOORRRREEEE!!!!
Wow what crawled up their flank and died
Is it bad that I hope he slapped the crazy out of her? I'm not talking about them being racist fucks, but the crazy in twilight from the VERY BEGINNING.
This Twilight sparkle
vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/badendfriends/images/6/6a/DA956FD5-E8D5-417D-AE48-6C914E0B2B1D.png/revision/latest/scale-to-width-down/220?cb=20181213004104
9666149
Nope, its not, Twilight deserved it.
9666229
Here you go. I wish I could find a better picture.
derpicdn.net/img/2016/4/13/1131445/full.gif
derpicdn.net/img/2014/5/10/622814/full.gif
The fact the someone was able to kick the shit out of them and get away from it even when he did a deed of good but yet still spit in his face but how cool would it be if he could turn from normal lion simba to anthro teostra from monster hunter world
9663924
But the story to be honest has nice kick to it I mean simba is a badass black light user anthro lion with the same past of the lion king story but is now has the sun princess falling for him
Oh man chrysalis is dead why you do that
Is the mysterious person is Kovu or scar?
9669908
Scar is not an adolescent.
9670450
Oh sorry i not good with stuff sometimes
9670641
No problem, by the way, did you enjoy the new chapter?
9670786
it is very good chapter and very nice romance too
Man shining armour is getting his pride hurt big time
9674241
In the US military, if you ever act like Shining Armor, you get your ass kicked, those drill instructors would make your life a living hell.
...no offense, but do you meet the recommended minimum age for M-rated games? I seriously can’t tell if this is the work of a child or not. Just read the prologue (or is protologe intentional? Attempt at wit, perchance?) and I already get the feeling of an attempt at a narrative that doesn’t know what it wants to be.
You mention the name Simba, the idea of being a king, and the usurping uncle and I’m thinking ‘okay, how is this writer going to get blacklight into the MC of The Lion King without causing an outbreak among a pride of anthropomorphic lions’, and I’m interested. Then I see Hope, Idaho, and I’m lost. If this is supposed to start in ground zero of redlight, then what’s the king stuff about? How do you justify a character (who I’m guessing is human at the start since you mentioned the US and Idaho and never mentioned any non-human traits anywhere) being in the US and having the story of a fictional character as a part of his own backstory?
Even if this story will never be in Hope, Idaho again after this, these problems exist with the character, not the location. The location just makes it worse. There’re certain boundaries that need to be monitored carefully when writing in order to ensure that suspension of disbelief is properly maintained where needed. If you write without care for these boundaries, stuff gets too weird too easily in too many ways, and you wind up lacking a target audience.
-This concludes the section with which I in no way mean any offense. From here on I make no promises. RANT HO!-
Ultimately what finalized my questioning of your age was the author’s note. If complaints about problems with your writing are going to hurt your feelings and you can’t deal with that, perhaps your work needs to stay in the safe little bubble of your local computer until you work up the nerve to take criticism as it was meant to be taken instead of (apparently) as a personal offense.
9680172
Next time if you want to help out on story development, don't sound like a ranting asshole, I do this story for fun, not to create conflicts, and I manage to re-edit both the protologe and the first chapter.
Wow.
Ten Bits say Twilight might end up doing it again and/or turn against Celestia one day.
Other than that, nice job.
Ignore my family for betraying me for their own selfish interests and beat them to a bloody pulp if they insist on being my family and punish my cub by refusing to talk to her. Family doesn't abandon each other, even if the family is trying to kill each other.
9699519
Exactly, and did you get the Mortal Kombat reference?
9699667
Nope. Where was it?
9699716
"You wanted me to attack you, why?" Simba asked "To release your anger and make you amenable to reason." Mufasa said
"I'm wondering, what does Simba have that I don't." Twilight asked "Can form weapons out of thin air, is a good looking lion." Kion said as he crossed his arms "And has a caring personally that doesn't make him a racist hypocrite." Spike said as he glared at Twilight "Jerks." Twilight said as she walked away
those were the references.
9699772
Nice. Don't know mortal kombat very well, so thanks.
SAXTON HAAAAAAAAALE!!!!! just kidding, It's me, the Bat! Keep it up~♥
You know.... Celestia must be really kinky considering that all male felines in have barbed genitalia.
9705749
That and Simba's got a big dick so that's a plus for her.
"In my medical opinion that is a stupid hair tuft!" Really? Something out of Tf2?ðŸ˜
i can understand of how simba reacted for if someone did that to my face well lets just say i hope they have enough health insurance's and health benefits to cover the injuries as well as to have someone who good with knots for the guys arms and legs would be like pretzels and that would be putting it in a very very VERY polite way of putting it to say the least
9720960
Yes, expect to see a lot of TF2 references.
9722347
Ok, ok just try not to steal too many lines ok? I hate it when people steal other's work.😒
9722480
I'm not stealing any of the lines, I'm just letting everyone know that I like TF2.
9722755
Oh, in that case so do I.😊
But, I thought Simba didn't have a last name!
SHOW ME YOUR WARFACE!!!
i.ytimg.com/vi/0u7kP9xLG5o/maxresdefault.jpg
lol
Celestia said as Simba tried to say something "Tia, I--" but was interrupted when Celestia started to make out with him, Simba calmed his nerves and relaxed in the kiss as Celestia unbuttoned his shirt and took it off, exposing his muscular torso, the main 6 and Spike had their jaws dropped while Luna, Discord, and Cadence were smirking.
lol lol lol
9731541
He does, I just gave one to him
"In my medical opinion that is a stupid hair tuft!" Really? Something out of Tf2?
lol
9697155
10,00000000 bits Twilight turn on Celestia
Now leave a comment down below if you'd enjoyed Sarabi kicking Rainbow Dash's ass. (And yes, Sarabi was still in her bikini while she was fighting Rainbow Dash, Sarabi may be an old lioness but she still got a sexy bod)
yes
9681374
If you publish your story, prepare for criticism. And trust me, that rant was polite compared to the vitriol that bad writing usually gets.
9733583
Those comments are outdated now because I re-edited the protologe, don't believe me? read the protologe.
9734446
...prologue
The word you want is prologue.
9734641
Sorry about the spelling error, how far are you in the story?
you need a editor
This one felt a little rushed.
9737872
Sorry about that, I sometimes cut the shit and get this over with.