After using an old spell book, Twilight accidentally summons a teen lion cub with a tragic secret, will Twilight be able to know more about this cub to help him and become more than just her new friend or would the cub be trapped in his dark past?
Page generated in 0.017 seconds
Total duration
1,054 users online
1,773,662 hits today, 1,870,739 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Why does this story have a need to make pony characters into mindless jerks so the OCs can show off how "cool" they are? It's not, and neither are they. It makes them look like violent idiots unfit for civil society.
And it sacrifices canon characters to do it, which is kinda pathetic in its own right. I can almost understand the Blueblood thing, even if it's a cheap writing trick and beating a dead horse, but Shining Armor? Really? Nevermind how the guy is a powerful Unicorn but he has to fold so Kion and co can look oh-so cool. It's bending the narrative to masturbate the OCs.
Now, if the story really wanted to surprise me... then it would include parts where reality doesn't get on its knees to service Kion and his cronies. Like, maybe, I don't know, people acting like he's a killer who tried to murder a guard captain. That's kind of a no-no in most societies. And I know Shining started it, but that was so utterly out-of-character that I can't take it seriously anyway.
I'm sorry for the sharp tone, but dude, this... doesn't really work, except as authorial wank material.
Right. After the part above, let me try and come up with something more constructive.
For one, the tone is a problem. You appear to want to show pony society as peaceful and, well, weak. Leaving aside the why (I already explained my guess), this creates a clash with how aggressive you make the ponies. Or rather, all the pony guys, who are not drooling over Kion's rad body. You should pick one: Either weak prey ponies, or aggressive, not aggressive PLUS weak so your OC can beat them up whenever he feels like it.
Heck, you've done it three times now! In just two(!) chapters!
That goes double for Shining Armor, who is a caring father, a valorous soldier, and a frighteningly powerful barrier mage, as well as prince of his own realm. But here, he's an idiot, a thug, and a pushover. I don't understand why. Just to show off Kion? Or because he's going to get in the sack with Cadance later? I'm honestly confused and frustrated. You could have used any other character for it; Shining Armor is one of the literally worst choices. Make up some aggressive new guard officer for it, then maybe you could slip in a lesson about knowing what battles to pick, too. As it is, you will have to address that Kion also just maimed Twilight Sparkle's brother. Is she just going to accept that? Why? She loves him dearly. There is no reason why she wouldn't be angry with Kion, or at least worried after what he did.
Indeed, actions should have consequences. You noted how this batch wouldn't have superpowers, but you're kinda writing them like they do. They're super-strong, super-aggressive and hyperviolent, but nothing happens in return. Everybody just nods along because... well, they're your OCs and I believe you just don't want them to face any consequences. Which is bad for storytelling. If it's obvious nothing bad can happen to them no matter what they do, then it becomes boring watching them. There's no tension, no reason to get invested, because all that's going to happen is for them to show off some more how awesome they are.
Give us a reason to care for them. Being immune to consequences is not interesting, being super-strong is not interesting unless it's coupled with something else. Trotting out an endless parade of easily-beaten pony stallions who are suddenly braindead and pick fights with them for no reason isn't helping, it makes matters worse.
Here's something you could do: Let someone explain to Kion who Shining Armor is. He says he only cares about what people have done, right? Well, this pony kept a shield up over an entire city, over several days, even while asleep, and being drained by a mind-controlling emotional vampire. Think of how insane that is. More importantly, give Shining Armor a reason for why he was picking this fight in the first place. As it is, it really looks like you're just setting up that Cadance will leave him for Kion who probably has a bigger dick too (even if that makes no sense anatomy-wise).
Okay, okay, sorry for the sarcasm there. Look, you're obviously passionate about this and I want nobody to stop writing. Just, think about why your characters are doing what they're doing, alright? Like, why does Kion get accosted by one guy after the other? Is it because it makes sense, or is it because you have fun writing him strong? If it's just the latter, that's not really enough for a good story.
Also, my comments are often harsh, but I'm not a bad guy. If you want to talk about things regarding your story, you can. Send me a PM and we'll talk. I do like helping people when I can. Not always the fastest to answer, but I try. Good luck, and cheers!
9831991
Kion's not my OC, he's an actual character from The Lion King franchise, and Twilight will talk to him about hurting Shining Armor.
And do you remember the time that Shining Armor ignored a threat and disowned Twilight just so he can have his stupid wedding?
Fun fact: lions are stronger than human beings and earth ponies so it's natural for Kion to be this strong.
9832722
Ah. My mistake. Though... is he a hyper-aggressive killer there too? That sounds weird for a Lion King character. Not saying I know, mind.
Yes, I remember. He was mind-controlled. Do you remember when he disagreed with Chrysalis and got zapped in the head for it? That was the reason why Twilight had her freakout during the rehearsal in the first place. He was affected by her. And please don't tell me that he wasn't, because then I would need to ask in return what you think the magic zap to his head actually was, and why he had headaches whenever he did something Chrysalis didn't like (like strengthen the shield, disagree with her) and got zapped when in her presence.
Is the Shining Armor in your story also being mind-controlled? Because I would buy his behavior then.
How do you know lions are stronger than earth ponies? They're stronger than humans too. Well, it's your world, so it's ultimately your choice, but again, think about why you chose what you did—and consider both strengths and weaknesses. For example, what would have happened if Shining Armor used his magic? Would Kion be stronger then too?
9832814
Just wait until Kion clams Celestia's sword as his own, but if Shining Armor can separate the Amaterasu from Kion he probably would have an advantage.
9832905
Just keep in mind what I've been trying to tell you, okay? About considering a character's strengths and weakness, why a character should or should not have either, and how that furthers the narrative? The way you said that makes me think Kion has a good chance to break Shining Armor's magic shield, and I am really not sure how he's supposed to do that.
One more thing: Your last story had Kion wield two katanas. A katana is a two-handed sword. It's short for a two-handed weapon, but it is. Deadpool uses two katanas, true, but it's kinda dumb for him to do so too; not because of the length of the blade, but the hilt's. It's awkward. To be fair, that's a nitpick and I doubt most people know enough to care. Aside from me, that is. I'm a dork.
9833216
Wait, wait wait wait. He's as smart as Batman, who is regularly referred to as a genius in-universe—like, top five smartest people on the planet—and stronger than the character who effortlessly overpowered the physically strongest 'regular mortal' character in the series?
I see the headline for the next chapter implies a battle. I'm really, really curious to see how that plays out.