Why are you afraid of chickens?

After the events of "Between Dark and Dawn", Luna discovered that Celestia is afraid of chickens. But she wanted to know where that fear came from.

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Comments ( 7 )

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Badwolf1175

Badwolf1175 #1 · Jul 17th, 2019 · · ·

Every seasoned Zelda player: oh crap it's a cucco run away!

Every zelda noob: well I am making great progress on this game for it being my first time playing Zelda. Aww a Little chicken and it's so cute.

One minute later

Zelda noob: there was so many of them and I couldn't get away from the chickens. Chickens are on my scary list now.

Lol it's a long meme but I thought it would work best here oh and I love your story.

TheMysteryMuffin

TheMysteryMuffin #2 · Jul 17th, 2019 · · ·

+ 🐔 = Celestia being scared of chickens. Awesome story.

Striving for Harmony

Striving for Harmony #3 · Jul 17th, 2019 · · ·

There are a few shining moments in this story, and I like your premise. However, it's currently overshadowed by basic proofreading errors and your tendency to rely on dialogue to provide forward motion.

Example: “It’s just that I was afraid that you would judge me. I would afraid You would laugh at my fear“, confessed Celestia.
The repetition of the word "that" in the first sentence is jarring. Choose one of them, but not both. The highlighted "would" should be "was." The word "you" should not be capitalized because it is not a proper name. Also, any ending punctuation goes inside the end quotation marks.
A corrected version: "It's just that I was afraid you would judge me. I was afraid you would laugh at my fear," confessed Celestia.

As for relying on dialogue to provide forward motion, there are a few ways to counteract this. One is to occassionally return to the present and give the readers' eyes a break from italics. Another is to take a paragraph and just show us what the characters are doing. Make us believe that Celestia is ashamed by scuffing a hoof on the floor. Show that Luna is listening intently by having her ears flick. You have options: the sisters are pacing, plodding through a garden, lounging on a throne, something. Dialogue can reveal character, but actions will say much more.

I do hope this helped.

DanyB