My name is Chameleon. I'm a changeling, and I've been transferred in chains to a pony.
I don't know her name, but I think she's a female. She's got a horn, no wings... Unicorn? Anyways, she's asking me questions, and I'm not sure what to do with them. Either way, I don't like it. I'm loyal to the queen, right? Would she still trust me if I answered these questions? That's... That's why I'm feeling so off about answering her questions. But what's the alternative?
Death? Something else?
Either way... I'm not sure about all of this, but... What choice do I even have? Who am I loyal to after this? If I answer the questions, I'm no longer loyal to my queen. I'm a traitor to the changeling race! But...
I don't want to die!
(Disclaimer: This story is based on a RP with ImperatorAetheris)
(Second Disclaimer: Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie are not in this story until later on.)
Discontinued until further notice. Sorry.
Great concept, very well written, but please stick to one perspective, the leaping between first and third person is incredibly confusing.
9733453
Hey, thanks for the critique!
Speaking of the perspective, at what points do I leap from first to third person? I'm always looking to improve, so it'd be handy to learn where I'm doing this. (As far as I'm aware, I'm not changing perspectives mid-scene, only at the end of a scene if I intend to do that)
(Note: I know there are a few parts where I've switched perspective mid-scene now looking back at it, I'll be editing those when I get a chance later on. But other than the few times where it's gone from talking in third person in non-dialogue/thoughts and first person for dialogue and thoughts, I'm not entirely sure where I've majorly gone from first to third person mid-way in a scene)
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First off, I still think that you should write it all in first and note who’s perspective it’s on. I wasn’t talking about in sentences, just in general.
Even though you mainly changed at the end of scenes, it’s still a little confusing, because I think this is all focusing on one character. As I stated, I think you should stick to first-person.
9734081
I'll keep this in mind for later chapters. Thanks.
It’s in third-person, I can see that now. But I think one pf the main causes of my confusion was the fact that if you're reading quickly, the thoughts aren’t separated properly.
That’s why most thoughts are put into italics instead of single quotes. You can bring up italics by pressing the ‘i’ on the top of the screen.
I’m still loving the story, and I think that you’re going some pretty neat places with this one.
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Thanks again for the comment. :)
I'll look into doing that, but normally I reserve italics and bold for emphasis in speech.
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Most books add thinking on, emphasis in thoughts is left un-italicized.
I think having this changeling grow close to the princesses would be good.
Also, may I suggest starting a new paragraph every time someone speaks? It’ll make it easier to read. Again, nothing against the story as it stands.
10008497
Yeah, I need to get a habit of doing that lmao
Oh, here's your review; forgot to link it here when I posted yesterday