The (Second) Rise and Fall of the Storm King

by TheDriderPony

Temerity and Throne Toppling

The sight of an army marching on Canterlot (a worryingly familiar scene these days) was usually taken as a bad omen by its citizens. Thus, none were too pleased to see the incoming column of swine kitted out for heavy combat.

Some ponies thought they might be Storm King reinforcements. Others worried that it was a separate set of invaders ready to drop them from the frying pan into the fire. And a few ponies, those who spotted the regiment carrying an enormous cooking pot and other culinary tools, worried about fires and frying pans in a much more literal sense.

But they found their worries dashed when they saw who lead the column. The titanic boar was a living nightmare of raw muscle, to be sure, but his accompaniment made their hearts light. The Bearers of the Elements, who marched alongside the titan with unmatched expressions of stalwart determination, left no doubt in the civilians' minds that these were liberators and not further oppressors.

There was no grand plan of attack. No two lines of forces opposing each other across a plain. The moment the first swine warrior entered within a certain range of the city, the golems attacked the intruders as their magical programming instructed.

They clashed at the gate, but the fight quickly spread across the city as golems came out in force and ponies ducked into their houses, occasionally shooting a helpful spell or two from the safety of their windows. The golems were large bulky things, but then again so were the swine. The battle might have been evenly weighted, however not all golems are made the same. For example, if one expects to use golems to fight ponies, the standard build is to have moderate physical defense and a high degree of magical nullification. This is not an advisable tactic for use against Swinefolk who, unlike ponies, are much more prone to charging at their opponents at high speed instead of shooting them with magic.

The Storm King could easily hear the battle from his throne room. He shifted and tried to put on an imposing air from atop his throne made of petrified alicorns (a difficult task as no matter how he sat or arranged the pieces there always seemed to be a stray horn or wing poking him). He didn't know who was attacking, but it didn't matter. The golems would self-repair given time, so his forces were near inexhaustible. He had known someone would come sooner or later and in due time one of them would reach where he now sat waiting in order to challenge him. But with his unmatched, unparalleled genius, he had a plan ready for every possible contingency.

Before he could ruminate further, the door burst open in a hurricane of splinters and shattered metalwork.

A smile crawled across the Storm King's face as he saw his visitor. A swine. A far from likely opponent, but an easy foe to deal with. He wasn't even going to have to fight!

The towering tusked king in gleaming armor stepped across the threshold of the throne room. "I am King Napoleon von Hammeister, third of my name. Ruler of the sovereign nation of Razorbackistan. In the name of Equestria and its displaced princess, I have come to remove the usurper from his stolen throne. Yield now, or be cast down by force."

The Storm King smiled. This would be easy. All conversations are negotiations; you just had to know the right words. "The Mercenary King. What a pleasure to have you. I'm familiar with your work."

"Then you know what will happen if you resist."

"Let's not be hasty now. We're both reasonable gentlecreatures. I'm sure between the two of us we can come to an... arrangement."

King Napoleon stopped. "Go on."

The line had been baited. "Your army is formidable, I will grant you that. So is mine. But while my soldiers are endlessly loyal, you and yours are mercenaries, correct? You work for the highest bidder."

"You speak the truth."

"Hear my offer: A merger. Add your forces to mine and I will pay you one, no, two hundred gold pieces per able-bodied warrior." He took a sack of coins from behind the throne and held it forward. Not nearly the offered amount, but enough to show he was serious. Now all the thickheaded oaf had to do was accept and-

Much to the Storm King's shock, the boar laughed. Laughed right in his face! "Your gold means nothing to me, pretender king. We pave our streets with it! You cannot match what we've been promised.

Coins spilled across the floor as the bag dropped from his hand in shock. Impossible! The swinemen were supposed to be the epitome of greed! Literal pigs who would do anything for money!

"I'll make it three hundred. Five!"

Napoleon stepped forward, kicking the spilled coins aside. "Keep it. The Equestrian princess has offered us something far more valuable. Now take up your arms... or I'll be taking yours off!"

---

Twilight arrived well after the kingly battle had ended. The remaining golems all deactivating at once had been a pretty obvious clue that the fight was over. The fractured marble and shattered windows of the throne room spoke volumes of a great battle, but while King Napoleon looked like he'd barely broken a sweat, the Storm King looked like he'd gone ten rounds with an actual storm.

He lay on the floor, his body bruised and his armor fractured, as a circle of spear-bearers made sure he didn't try anything suspicious.

They parted slightly to allow her to pass through, calm and collected as anything, now that she knew everyone was safe.

"You," he snarled. "I should have known this was your meddling. But how? How could you have escaped your imprisonment? It was perfect! My plan was perfect! It's not possible!"

She tittered good-naturedly. "Oh Storm King, you just don't see it do you?" She stepped forward and placed a hoof under his chin, forcing the toppled tyrant to look up to meet her gaze. He scowled, but could do nothing against the power move with a dozen spears at his throat. "You see, what you don't understand is the same thing that Tirek didn't understand. What Starlight didn't understand. And Sombra. And Chrysalis. Even Discord back in the day. It's what all you two-bit villains and wannabe conquerors don't understand."

She allowed a friendly expression to grace her face, mimicking Celestia's serene smile with a twinkle of mirth behind the eyes. "That no matter how powerful your sorcery, how big your army, how complex your stratagems, none of it holds a candle to the magic of fried-shrimp and ham-money."

Author's Note:

And thus, my multi-chapter feghoot ends.
Hope you had fun (I sure did)!

Comments

[Thought Prism]

Honestly I think I would have liked this even more without the cringe ending each chapter.

[FanOfMostEverything]

There's definitely an arguement to be made for a single-chapter epic. This is definitely the best pun in the story, especially given the thematic connections. But even as is, this was a very fun read. Thank you for it, and best of luck in the judging.

[dbg345]

Loved this, thank you for such an awesome entry into the contest! I hope you win.

[TheDriderPony]

9739994
Thanks for the love! I doubt I'll win (really fierce competition) but it was fun nonetheless!

[PresentPerfect]

I hate you so much.

[Tatsurou]

Just finished reviewing this for the contest. Gave you a few bonus points on pun quality because the ones earlier in the story were better than the final one.

[TheDriderPony]

9749949
Thanks! The first chapter pun I can understand. The third...maybe. But even I know that the second one didn't do me any favors.
Thanks for judging, and I hope you enjoyed!

[ROBCakeran53]

[AlexTFish]

Wow. Wow. That was magnificent and I totally didn't see it coming. Right near the end I started wondering if it was going to be another feghoot on the MLP theme song or something, so sortof on the right lines, but even if I'd pursued that line of thought doggedly for ages though I doubt I'd have worked out where you were going with it. Delightful.

(Nitpick: aren't the shrimp boiled, not fried?)

I also liked the multi-chapter presentation, especially with puns at the end of each chapter. Some story styles work with 10k word chapters, but this kind of comedy I think is definitely better broken up into more approachable chunks.

Great stuff!

[TheDriderPony]

9765712
Thanks! Glad you like it!
And, yes, shrimp is often served boiled, but can be served fried as well (usually deep-fried and breaded nowadays, with a heaping of spices).

[AlexTFish]

9765766
Sure, but specifically what Twilight did to them was boiling, not frying, which interferes a tiny bit with the punchline.

[TheDriderPony]

9766392
Ah. Right. Now I see what you meant. What Twilight did was definitely boiling. I thought I had a line about ponies watching them bring in a large pot and barrels of oil, but it seems like that critical last bit didn't make it in. I'll fix that after the contest officially ends. Thanks for spotting that!

[Wydril]

9766392
That was only for themselves when they ate on the ocean. The shrimp that Twilight gave to the swine king were still alive, not even raw yet, much less boiled or fried. Also, the swine king turned down the only money we saw as well, and Twilight traded a luxury good, not currency. The pun doesn't really fit with what we've seen in the story.

[TheDriderPony]

9777362
The idea with supposed to be that it was ham's money. His nation is already independently wealthy, but since Twilight has something he wants, he uses finances from his own personal account to pay for the mercenaries. Plus, since he's rich already the turncoat bribe didn't work.

Then again, if I have to explain and justify the joke this much then clearly I didn't do a good enough job making it clear in the story. I'll go back in and make a few tweaks after the contest officially ends.

[Wydril]

9778144
If there was a scene where the ponies and swine ate shrimp together, and a scene where the swine king explained that shrimp were somehow a special currency that his nation used and not a luxury good inasmuch, then the joke would fit.

[Soge]

This really stands out from the other contest entries! Solid adventure on its own right, and the puns were oh-so-painful.