Even the mightiest can be toppled by a bad enough pun. The Storm King learns this the hard way.
The Storm King has returned to Equestria, fully restored and stronger than ever! This time, he's made sure to account for a few important 'meddling ponies' in his plan alongside the princesses and other figures of power. With the Bearers of the Elements trapped far away from Equestria, how will they ever save their home? Well, the way they always do: With strange new friends and the powerful forces that have guided them all along.
My final entry for the Feghoof Festival, and the 11th place runner up!
The Storm King, terrible and great, arrived with a fleet of ships and swiftly conquered Canterlot. Again.
While Canterlot was still catching its breath from the defeat of a lesser would-be conqueror, he swooped in that very night and made short work of the city. Because unlike so many other villains, he actually learned from his defeat.
Gone were the yeti subordinates, strong but too susceptible to trickery, pastries, and armchair psychology. The second time he came with golems; unyielding in both fortitude and obedience.
Gone was the pony subordinate with a dark past to betray in in the eleventh hour. The second time he had no general and trusted all decisions to none but himself.
Gone was the grand and pompous entry inciting fear and panic in the streets to secure his supremacy. The second time he arrived in the cloak of night and affected his takeover before anypony even knew what was happening.
But most importantly, the key difference where all other villains had failed: he re-evaluated his opponents. Specifically, a group of six seemingly ordinary mares (sans one obviously extraordinary princess with dragon attaché) who had near singledhoofedly managed to organize a rebellion and turn his own forces against him in his first invasion. This time, he afforded them just as much consideration as he did the Princesses. He had mercenaries snatch them from their homes and lock them away hours before he even entered the country. This time, there were no aspiring heroes. This time... he won.
Twilight Sparkle and her friends (who were, to no one's surprise, the ponies in question) woke up in a stone cell. Of course, the first thing they had done upon awakening was attempt to escape, but the Storm King had taken that into consideration. The walls were high with only slit windows far too thin to crawl through. The pegasi of their group confirmed the world beyond their cell: They found themselves at the top of a tower, located on a small sandy island with nothing but open water visible for miles in every direction. The passage beyond their cell was another prison in itself. Every hallway and floor of the tower was a labyrinth of death traps. Magical buzzsaws and swinging pendulum blades. Collapsing platforms over spiked pits and skin-eating chameleons that hid in the walls. The door to their cell was unlocked; a taunt by the King to go ahead and just try to escape, knowing full well what fate would befall them if they did.
The fact that he spelled this all out for them in a terse yet professionally worded memo, accompanied by cheeky photos of himself posing in their homes and next to the Princesses petrified in their beds, was just the icing on the cruelty cake.
And so, out of both hope and ideas, they sat or slouched or fidgetted around their cell as dark thoughts of the fates of their friends and families back home flitted through their minds like flocks of bats.
"There has to be something we can try!" Rainbow Dash pressed, never one to take the word 'impossible' at face value. "We could... break the walls down."
Twilight sighed, her ears and eyes both drooping. "These walls aren't just stone, they're solid slabs of maudite. Magic repels off it like water on rubber. Not even basic levitation spells affect it."
"Then.... then..." her pacing stuttered as she found the tempo hard to keep as her well of ideas started to run dry. "Oh! What about Spike? He can call for help with his firemail!"
"Same problem," the dragon replied. He took the Storm King's memo and burned it. The smoke rose into the air, circled the room twice, then flew back down into his throat where he coughed the paper back out. "Yech, that stings. Besides, who would we even call? He already got the Princesses."
"We don't know just the Princesses," she rebutted. "We have friends all over Equestria. Surely somepony can help us."
Suddenly, Pinkie gasped and her straightening mane sproinged back to bouncy fullness. "That's it! I know! I have a friend who might be able to help us! All I have to do is call her." She scrunched up her face in intense concentration.
Twilight sighed. "It's no use, Pinkie. Even if you know somepony who could help, what good does it do us? Maudite is absolutely magically impenetrable, and I doubt the mail services this remote island. It's-"
Pinkie leaped.
"-no good and... What in Equestria is that!?"
Pinkie stepped aside to reveal a small strange creature that certainly hadn't been there a moment before. Its face was like that of a pony, but its bipedal body was barely as tall as a foal. It had a cheery blue vest and wore a pointed red cap between its ears.
"Is it a goblin?" Rainbow Dash asked.
"An elf?' guessed Fluttershy.
"Neither" the creature cried, it's voice high and chipper. "Oi'm a gnome!"
"A gnome?" Twilight repeated incredulously, "There's no such thing."
"An' yet, here Oi am." The creature held the hem of its blue skirt and gave a short curtsey. "Oi be the one called Annette von Hallaphen von Filbertus von Drusselstein von Lorepsinitus, at yer service. But you ken call me Anne."
"Y'know," Applejack began, "at this point Ah ain't even surprised that Pinkie is friends with a creature of myth and legend."
"We met on that vacation trip I won to Haywaii." Pinkie supplied helpfully. "She's the spirit of the island."
Anne nodded. "That Oi am. An' a right good one t'boot."
"There was this whole thing with some volcano worshippers and real estate developers and rogue ancient spirits that I got wrapped up in, and yadda yadda yadda we became besties!" Pinkie grabbed Anne is a one-forelegged hug. "Isn't that right?"
"A'course," Anne replied, returning the gesture. "Miss Pinkie here helped me out of a real tight jam, that she did. Why, the whole island might not be here today if it weren't for her."
"Sorry to interrupt your reunion," Rarity cut in, "And do excuse me if this comes off as rude, but if you are the spirit of the Haywaiian island... why do you sound like you're from the Bittish Isles?"
"That's me mum!" Anne said cheerfully. "Folks say Oi take after her. You ever been?"
"Er, yes, actually." Rarity replied, "Once when I was younger. Lovely place."
Anne tipped her hat. "Thank'ee kindly. Oi'll let 'er know. She always lurves a bit 'o praise. But yer right; enough with the niceties. Oi doubt Miss Pinkie called me out fer a social call."
"Oh, right!" Pinkie said as she also remembered the fact that they were locked in a tower by a villain who'd taken over their home. "We're in big trouble Anne. Here, take a look at this."
She handed her the Storm King's memo. As Anne started to read, Twilight finally freed herself from her stupor and rejoined the conversation. "Wait, back up. The fact that you're a mythical being I can just about accept, you're far from the first we've met, but how in Celestia's name did you get in? No magic can penetrate these walls."
"Weren't you listening?" Anne replied, still reading. "Oi'm an island. We're all connected. If there's a spit o' land in the sea, Oi can be there. Continents are harder; too big y'see. Got real powerful spirits. Had an uncle who stayed shoreside too long an' got absorbed into the bigger spirit. His whole island crumbled into the sea without him."
"And that's how Marelantis was unmade." Pinkie finished.
The gnome let out a low whistle as she finished reading. "Ooh, you're in a right spot of trouble, that you is. Oi can't do much about this Stormy Boyo of yers, but fer getting out of here? You called the right gnome fer the job."
She jumped up onto Pinkie's back, bounced off her head, and landed on Fluttershy's back. "Get the door fer me, would ya lass?" At her request, the door was opened. Blades glinted menacingly from all angles as they whirred and shifted. Anne turned back for a moment and gave Pinkie a wink. "You were right to call me. Now, watch and behold. Yer old friend Anne has got you covered!"
She rubbed her hands together, magical sparks shimmering like stardust. The power built for a minute and then...she clapped.
And everything stopped.
Blades froze in place. Pendulums froze mid-swing. Even violent animals halted mid-jump.
"Oi suggest you go right quickly," Anne said to her dumbstruck audience. "Oi can't hold this more'n a few minutes."
No one needed to be told twice. They dashed from the room, ducking under frozen blades and flying over snake-filled pits as quickly as safety would allow. In four minutes flat, the troupe made it to the beach, having just completed the world's deadliest escape room.
"Well done," Anne applauded politely from Fluttershy's back. She'd stayed behind in the cell, but now returned out of nowhere. "I'll just let this tick back on then." She clapped again and the sound of whirring blades and snarling animals resumed in the tower.
"What amazing magic..." Twilight murmured as the group spread out.
Aside from the tower, the island was bare. No buildings, no jetties, no boats. Not even a solitary palm tree.
"Now what?" Rainbow Dash asked. "We're outside, but we're still trapped. I might be able to fly out if I knew which way land was, but there's no way I could bring all you along."
"No problem!" Anne cheered, drawing all attention back towards herself, something which was rapidly becoming a pattern, "That before, now that was a challenge. But this? Won't be more than a parlor trick." She turned to face the sea. Once more she rubbed her hands together, generating scintillating sparks, and clapped. This time, the only ocean before her stopped. A pathway formed from stilled water, fifty hooves wide and reaching out to the horizon. Curious, Rainbow Dash hovered over the immobile water. She poked it, pressed a hoof against it, and then landed fully on the ocean's surface.
"It's solid!"
"As solid as any land." Anne agreed before turning back to the others. "And that should stay solid till Oi says otherwise. It should lead you straightlike to the nearest continent. Oi wish Oi could do more but-"
"You've done plenty, Anne!" Pinkie enthused, hoisting up her smaller friend into a bear hug. "There's no way we ever could have gotten out of there if it wasn't for you!"
"Alright, alright, Oi gets it!" Anne wriggled out of the hug. "Just give me the usual sign when you get across and Oi'll undo the spell. And remember Miss Pinkie, anytime you needs me, well, you know what to do."
Pinkie nodded. "Right. Thanks Anne!" There was a flash and a pop, and the gnome was gone. Pinkie turned back to her friends. "Well? What are we waiting for? We've got an Equestria to save!"
Before anyone could comment she dashed off atop the road of solidified water. After a confused second of hesitation, the others followed, some more willing than others to try trotting atop liquid water.
"This is weird..." Applejack muttered uneasily, her hooves kicking up tiny splashes.
"This is strange..." Added Fluttershy, who half-hovered half-ran.
"This is amazing!" Twilight gushed, analyzing the stilled water beneath her hooves even as she ran. "I wish we could have met under better circumstances so I could learn more about her. I've never even heard of powerful magic like this before."
"It's not that unusual," Pinkie replied easily, "After all, everyone knows that time and tide wait for Gnome Anne."
The ocean was much bigger than they had anticipated.
Sure, everyone knows that the ocean is vast, but it's another thing entirely when you actually try to run across it. After a few hours, even the fliers were starting to get winded. Around a time Pinkie deemed as 'lunch-ish' they stopped for a rest.
"How much farther?" Spike asked. He'd started to flag in the second quarter and had been riding since.
"There's no way of knowing," Twilight replied, "Could be miles. Or, nautical miles, I guess?"
"Ah just wish we had something to eat," Applejack added.
"Say no more! I got you covered." Everyone looked up as Rainbow Dash descended from scouting height. "There's all the food you can eat about two minutes ahead."
"Food? Out here?"
"Come see for yourself," the pegasus replied and darted off.
Having no reason to not believe her, the rest followed.
As predicted, within two minutes the travelers found themselves in a patch of ocean practically dyed pink with small creatures.
"A shrimp bloom," Twilight identified, "I've read about these. The shrimp rise from the depths in huge numbers to mate and spawn in the sunlight. We're very lucky to stumble upon it."
"Can... can we actually eat these... things?" Rarity asked in thinly veiled disgust.
"Oh yes. In fact, they're considered a luxury amongst pegasi."
Rarity hummed in conflicted contemplation as her natural squeamishness fought with her high-class aspirations.
Rainbow Dash, however, didn't even bother to try and hide her line of drool. "If only we had some marinara or some butter sauce, this would be perfect."
"Can't help you there. Best I can do is flash boil them so we at least don't have to eat them raw." Twilight turned to Fluttershy. "Are you going to be okay?
Fluttershy nodded. "I don't like it, but some animals have to be lower on the food chain so others can survive. It's just nature. And your way would be the most painless for them."
Permission received, Twilight lit her horn and a globe of water rose from the sea, several dozen shrimp within. With a flash, the water vanished in a puff of steam, leaving the crustaceans within thoroughly cooked. They spent an hour dining and recovering their strength. Despite some initial reluctance, everyone enjoyed the shrimp and even Rarity gave it an evaluation of "surprisingly springy, but not without a cleansing salty freshness".
When they were done, at Rainbow Dash's suggestion, Twilight encapsulated a large portion of the remaining bloom and stored it away with her magic. Shrimp and seawater alike both vanished into a pocket of spacetime, leaving a crater in the stilled water. Provisions for later, just in case the whale-road was longer than expected and there was no more food forthcoming.
Luckily for them, land was closer than they'd realized. After making camp beneath the crest of a large wave and spending the night, the seven made landfall by mid-afternoon the next day. They arrived at the shores of a gravel beach with pine forests just beyond.
"Land!" Pinkie Pie cheered as soon as they set hoof on it. "Come here you sweet 'ole earthy thing! I'm never taking you for granted again!"
"Land's great and all," Applejack said, "But does anypony have any idea where we are?"
"Judging by the climate and local flora, I'd guess either Swine country or the Sheeplands," Twilight supplied.
"Swine." Fluttershy said definitively.
Twilight sent her a questioning look. "What makes you so sure?"
"There's one over there."
True to her word, at the point where beach turned to forest stood a large biped. He was thickly built, with stout arms and legs. His porcine face prominently featured a pair of tusks and the rest was buried beneath a thick forest of whiskers. His clothes were simple, yet good quality, and he carried with him an axe and a small sled of logs.
"Hiya!" Pinkie Pie greeted as she suddenly appeared before him, hoof offered. "I'm Pinkie Pie. What's your name?"
The pigman blinked in confusion for a moment before his reflexes kicked in and he shook the proffered hoof. "Wilbur. You are... ponies, yes? What are you doing here?"
"That's... kind of a long story," Twilight admitted. "We've walked a long way. Is there a town or something nearby where we can rest?"
He shrugged and shifted his axe from one massive shoulder to the other. "You're in luck. The capitol's only about an hour or so's walk inland. I could show you the way, seeing as I'm going there myself."
"Oh, could you? We'd be most thankful," Rarity sighed in relief.
Wilbur smiled, a striking band of yellow against his brown beard. "It's no trouble. And maybe in return you could tell me how a group of ponies ended up so far down south."
He motioned towards the forest and the group started after him.
"Oh, wait a second." Pinkie turned back to the water, scrunched up her muzzle in concentration, and gave a small yet definitive leap. Immediately the frozen waves began to move again and for a split second, they all swore they could hear a Bittish titter.
"OK! Now we can go."
"That all sounds terrible," Wilbur commented after they'd finished their tale. "I can't even imagine having my whole country stolen overnight like that."
"Eh, the whole takeover part kinda starts to lose its sting after the first two or three times," Rainbow Dash said, "But yeah, it still sucks."
"The last time he invaded, Princess Celestia sent us to the Hippogriffs for help. But knowing the Storm King, he's probably found some way to either distract them or cut off contact between us." Twilight said. "If we're going to defeat him again, then we're going to need new allies. Some creature he wouldn't expect."
"If allies are what you need, our country can probably help," Wilbur offered.
Twilight shook her head. "We'd be better off trying to gather a ragtag group of misfits again. I'm not even sure Equestria has official diplomatic relations with this country. Convincing your rulers to help a foreign power would not be easy."
The swine hummed thoughtfully. "It might not be as hard as you think. The king is always hiring out the army to one cause or another. So long as you can pay, that is. It's where most of our country's wealth comes from."
"Is that so?" Twilight's ears perked up at the sound of an opportunity that would not involve another wild journey across danger and adventure-filled foreign lands. "You think he takes Princess Promissory Notes?
Meanwhile, in the back of the line, Rainbow Dash had slowed down and fallen into step alongside Rarity.
"So, what do you think of him?"
"Wilbur?" Rarity asked, "He seems alright. Trustworthy as far as I can tell. Quite the gentlecreature, in fact."
Rainbow smirked, "I bet he's really caught your eye, huh?"
Rarity sputtered and almost stopped in her tracks. "I- I- What?! Wh- where in Celestia's name is this coming from?"
The smile never left Dash's face as she studied a hoof innocently. "Oh? I thought he'd be your type. Since he's the opposite of Blueblood after all."
"Opposite of...?" Rarity paused, then sighed in exasperation. "Rainbow Dash, stop with the riddles. Just... go ahead and say whatever little quip you've thought up that you're obviously so proud of."
Undaunted, her grin grew even larger. "Well the way I see it, since you hate Blueblood, you'd probably love Wilbur since Blueblood is a boring guy and Wilbur is a guiding boar!"
The king was massive. Sprawled out on a throne that had to have been custom-built, he easily outweighed Twilight and her friends combined. He wore a toga-like sheet of purple cloth and little else aside from a simple, understated crown.
As Wilbur had predicted, he couldn't get them an audience on his own. However, once he had shown them the way to the city, finding a guard and exerting a little Princess Authority™ had been a piece of cake. Even this far from Equestria, creatures knew that when an alicorn showed up at your door, you took them to your leader.
"Ponies," the king grunted, a small note of surprise in his voice, "Not often we get ponies in these parts."
Twilight stepped forward. All her lessons and training in decorum and diplomacy ran through her mind like wild dogs. "King of the Swinefolk," she began, "We come to you in our hour of need. Our home has been overrun; captured by a heinous villain and his forces. Our leaders imprisoned. Our citizens enslaved. We have heard that you often lend your mighty forces to aid those in need. So I ask you, as a Princess of Equestria, to please help us save our Kingdom." She finished by lowering her head in deference.
"Great speech, Twilight," Spike whispered from her side.
"You ask much, but offer little," he rumbled, "We are not a charity. How do you plan to compensate me for my aid?"
Here came the hard part. "We can offer you friendship. Alliances. Preferred trade-"
"Stop." He raised a hand and Twilight obeyed. "This is immaterial. You offer words in exchange for actions. In these parts, we trade in coin and goods. Have you no gold to offer?"
"...Not with us, no." Twilight admitted. "Nor do I have the authority to promise the contents of the national treasury. Still, if you would hear our plight-"
"If you cannot afford our service, then our business is done." The king made a gesture to summon a servant. "My guards shall show you the way back to the city proper. Farewell ponies."
"What. The. Hay!" Rainbow Dash exclaimed. In a few wingbeats she was right in the king's face. "What gives? We come all the way here, and Twilight askes super nicely and you turn her down just cause she's short a few bits? What kind of greedy king does that?"
The room went silent in shock. Even Dash (after a slight delay) seemed to realize the gravitas of what she'd done as the king's gaze bore into her. But there was something... odd about where he was looking.
"What," he growled, "Is that in your mouth?"
Rainbow stopped and felt around with her tongue. The tail end of a shrimp fell to the floor with a plop. "...Oops." she said bashfully, "Sorry. It was a long wait outside the throne room and I wanted a snack so I-"
"Where did you get this?" he demanded, "And do you have more?!"
A spark of an idea flickered in Rarity. She recognized that glint in the king's eyes. Something she'd seen many times in her shop. The look of a customer who'd just found a product that they couldn't live without.
She stepped forward, heedless of political propriety. "Good sir King," she began as his intense gaze shifted to her, "I take it that you are rather interested in the shrimp she possesses?" His piercing gaze made the question rhetorical. "Continuing that line, would you be willing to accept payment in the form of shrimp?"
A tense moment passed before he spoke. "That depends on the quantity you can produce. As well as its quality."
Rarity grinned. "Step aside, Twilight," she announced as she positioned herself forward in a patented Rarity Power Stance. "This diplomatic negotiation has just become a business transaction. And you can leave that to me."
Twilight hesitated, but seeing the gleam in her friend's eye, she nodded and stepped back. The king as well suddenly seemed far more interested in the conversation than he had before.
"If it's that, then I believe we can do business after all." He settled forward, elbows on his knees and fingers interwoven with intense focus. Rarity matched his stare, the lightness of her voice contrasting her gaze which was as sharp and steely as any of her needles.
"Twilight, show the good King our wares. It's only good manners that we allow him to inspect the product before we continue."
Twilight wasn't exactly sure where she'd been left behind along the way, but she trusted enough to follow her friend's instruction. She lit her horn and opened the hole in reality where she'd stashed the rest. In seconds, the throne room was transformed into an enormous aquarium. The floating globe of shrimp and water filled it to the ceiling, barely leaving room for the king and his petitioners. Sunlight passed through water and bodies of living shrimp alike, casting the room in a pale pink glow. The king reached up, seemingly transfixed by the sight. Noticing him take the bait, Rarity gave a sign and Twilight sucked the small sea back into the plane where she stored it.
It took the swine king a moment to come back to his senses and once more turn his steely stare on Rarity. Only now, it seemed a little weaker. Friendlier, even.
"Name your price."
The easy smile had never left her face. "The price for our shrimp, the whole sum of it, is the liberation of our homeland from its captor, the Storm King. No more, no less. Half payment now, the rest after."
The king smiled back; a wide toothy thing not helped by his predatory-looking tusks.
And now came the tricky part; the bargaining. She'd have to carefully gauge just how much he valued the shrimp versus-
"Done."
She blinked. "Excuse me?"
"It is done. We have a deal!" He belted out a deep belly laugh that left everypony feeling slightly unsettled. "And what a deal it is! Young miss unicorn, it has been far too long since I've met someone who could stand up and bargain at my level."
"Ah... thank you?" she replied, caught a little off-balance by his sudden shift in demeanor.
"No time to waste then!" he said eagerly, "We've a nation to save, haven't we?" He took a long deep breath and-
"PORKIIINS!" He roared.
A moment later a small swinefolk, barely as tall as a pony, raced into the room, his trotters skidding on the smooth marble. "Y-Y-Yes, Fa- King Napoleon?"
"Go to the mercenary captains," he ordered, "tell them to gather a hundred each of their finest warriors. Accept whatever price they ask. Money is no object for this mission, but don't tell them that. Then go to my accountants and have them allocate the payment; tell them to take half from the national treasury and the rest from my personal vault."
Porkins nodded and saluted, but did not leave.
"Well? What are you waiting for? An invitation? Go!"
Porkins half-yipped, half-oinked in acknowledgment and scurried out.
King Napoleon sighed. "He's a good lad, and he'll be a fine wario someday, but I swear that boy doesn't know how to take the initiative." Before anyone could comment he shouted again. "Proscuitto!"
Soon, another small swine entered the room. Her figure was much like Porkins, only slightly slimmer and hidden beneath an orange dress and golden jewelry. She curtsied as she reached the king.
"Go to Queen Snowball and have her send word to her vintners," he commanded, "Thirty barrels of war wine, three for each company. Have them bring their best cask here as well; use a wagon if it's one of the big ones. And tell a servant to bring goblets for our guests for a toast. And a proper stone flagon for the firebreather."
Proscuitto nodded. "Thirty barrels for the fighters, fine wine for the guests, and a dragon flagon in a wagon. Got it, Papa!" Then she too raced away.
Though the room had emptied save its original occupants, no creature spoke. None of them knew how to respond to this strange new king. Everything about him had suddenly undergone a radical shift, from cold and uncaring to gregarious and Falstaffian. Even his body language was warmer and more expressive. It was like looking upon an entirely different person.
"I apologize for my bruskness earlier," he said with a genuinely warm smile. "I have something of an image to maintain with unfamiliar foreign powers and strange visitors seeking to take advantage of my strength. But! You are no longer strangers! Now you are valued customers! And customers are as cherished as family!"
King Napoleon stood up and swept his toga aside, revealing it to have merely been a cape. The heft they'd assumed to be fat showed its true colors as the powerful muscles of a toned warrior's physique. He flexed as he stretched out the kinks from his joints.
"It's been some years since I've joined in a proper battle. This 'Storm King' should do well to grind the rust off."
"All this for shrimp?" Rainbow Dash asked, the shock of everything finally easing up a little, "I mean, yeah it's good, but it's not that good."
"That good?" King Napoleon echoed with a chuckle. "Brash One, in these parts it's worth more than gold. Shrimp is one of our most sought-after luxury items. But for all the strength of my people as warriors, we are not seafarers. The mysteries of sailing and fishing elude us, so we have to import it from the cats." His expression hardened. "And even then they always keep the finest catches for themselves and only sell to us from the bottom of the net. Why, those rotten, flea-bitten furbags would have half my kingdom for a tenth this much pink gold!"
A rumble in the hallway announced the arrival of several attendants and a cart loaded with a wine barrel large enough for a small family of ponies to bathe in. Proscuitto returned as well with a tray bearing six cups, a flagon twice their size, and an ornately carved drinking horn even larger than that.
"It will take some time for the mercenaries to ready their forces," he continued as the barrel was tapped. "In the meantime, you are my honored guests and I hope that you would join me in a custom of my people."
Twilight felt that she had missed something important somewhere, but mentally filed it away and merely rolled with the apparent new friendship. She eyed the vibrant red liquid warily. "Are you sure we should be giving Spike wine? He is still young after all. "
Spike started to reply in defense of his maturity but was cut off by the King's throaty chuckle. "Please, unless I sell my crown for a bottle of poko, the firebreather will remain the soberest one here. I once knew a drake half his age who could outdrink my entire elite guard, consecutively. Of what days those were, back when I was young."
As he reminisced about his wild, younger days, Proscuitto took each drink as it was poured and ceremoniously carried it to each pony.
"Anyhow, we have a saying in these parts--more like a belief, really--that before one goes to war, or enters any perilous situation, one should always take the time to appreciate the little joys in life. So before the assignments are handed out, we first gift each warrior a hearty tankard of our best and most well-aged vintage."
"I think I could get behind this tradition," Rainbow Dash said as she accepted her drink.
"Why am Ah not surprised," Applejack chuckled.
"Sounds like a pre-game party to me!" Pinkie added as she added a crazy straw to her cup.
"And you do this every time?" Twilight pressed.
"Oh yes," King Napoleon said gravely as much of the barrel was emptied into his drinking horn, "It has become ingrained into our culture. In fact, it's practically a sin to task perils before wine. Now, everyone! Drink up! To the liberation of Equestria!"
The sight of an army marching on Canterlot (a worryingly familiar scene these days) was usually taken as a bad omen by its citizens. Thus, none were too pleased to see the incoming column of swine kitted out for heavy combat.
Some ponies thought they might be Storm King reinforcements. Others worried that it was a separate set of invaders ready to drop them from the frying pan into the fire. And a few ponies, those who spotted the regiment carrying an enormous cooking pot and other culinary tools, worried about fires and frying pans in a much more literal sense.
But they found their worries dashed when they saw who lead the column. The titanic boar was a living nightmare of raw muscle, to be sure, but his accompaniment made their hearts light. The Bearers of the Elements, who marched alongside the titan with unmatched expressions of stalwart determination, left no doubt in the civilians' minds that these were liberators and not further oppressors.
There was no grand plan of attack. No two lines of forces opposing each other across a plain. The moment the first swine warrior entered within a certain range of the city, the golems attacked the intruders as their magical programming instructed.
They clashed at the gate, but the fight quickly spread across the city as golems came out in force and ponies ducked into their houses, occasionally shooting a helpful spell or two from the safety of their windows. The golems were large bulky things, but then again so were the swine. The battle might have been evenly weighted, however not all golems are made the same. For example, if one expects to use golems to fight ponies, the standard build is to have moderate physical defense and a high degree of magical nullification. This is not an advisable tactic for use against Swinefolk who, unlike ponies, are much more prone to charging at their opponents at high speed instead of shooting them with magic.
The Storm King could easily hear the battle from his throne room. He shifted and tried to put on an imposing air from atop his throne made of petrified alicorns (a difficult task as no matter how he sat or arranged the pieces there always seemed to be a stray horn or wing poking him). He didn't know who was attacking, but it didn't matter. The golems would self-repair given time, so his forces were near inexhaustible. He had known someone would come sooner or later and in due time one of them would reach where he now sat waiting in order to challenge him. But with his unmatched, unparalleled genius, he had a plan ready for every possible contingency.
Before he could ruminate further, the door burst open in a hurricane of splinters and shattered metalwork.
A smile crawled across the Storm King's face as he saw his visitor. A swine. A far from likely opponent, but an easy foe to deal with. He wasn't even going to have to fight!
The towering tusked king in gleaming armor stepped across the threshold of the throne room. "I am King Napoleon von Hammeister, third of my name. Ruler of the sovereign nation of Razorbackistan. In the name of Equestria and its displaced princess, I have come to remove the usurper from his stolen throne. Yield now, or be cast down by force."
The Storm King smiled. This would be easy. All conversations are negotiations; you just had to know the right words. "The Mercenary King. What a pleasure to have you. I'm familiar with your work."
"Then you know what will happen if you resist."
"Let's not be hasty now. We're both reasonable gentlecreatures. I'm sure between the two of us we can come to an... arrangement."
King Napoleon stopped. "Go on."
The line had been baited. "Your army is formidable, I will grant you that. So is mine. But while my soldiers are endlessly loyal, you and yours are mercenaries, correct? You work for the highest bidder."
"You speak the truth."
"Hear my offer: A merger. Add your forces to mine and I will pay you one, no, two hundred gold pieces per able-bodied warrior." He took a sack of coins from behind the throne and held it forward. Not nearly the offered amount, but enough to show he was serious. Now all the thickheaded oaf had to do was accept and-
Much to the Storm King's shock, the boar laughed. Laughed right in his face! "Your gold means nothing to me, pretender king. We pave our streets with it! You cannot match what we've been promised.
Coins spilled across the floor as the bag dropped from his hand in shock. Impossible! The swinemen were supposed to be the epitome of greed! Literal pigs who would do anything for money!
"I'll make it three hundred. Five!"
Napoleon stepped forward, kicking the spilled coins aside. "Keep it. The Equestrian princess has offered us something far more valuable. Now take up your arms... or I'll be taking yours off!"
Twilight arrived well after the kingly battle had ended. The remaining golems all deactivating at once had been a pretty obvious clue that the fight was over. The fractured marble and shattered windows of the throne room spoke volumes of a great battle, but while King Napoleon looked like he'd barely broken a sweat, the Storm King looked like he'd gone ten rounds with an actual storm.
He lay on the floor, his body bruised and his armor fractured, as a circle of spear-bearers made sure he didn't try anything suspicious.
They parted slightly to allow her to pass through, calm and collected as anything, now that she knew everyone was safe.
"You," he snarled. "I should have known this was your meddling. But how? How could you have escaped your imprisonment? It was perfect! My plan was perfect! It's not possible!"
She tittered good-naturedly. "Oh Storm King, you just don't see it do you?" She stepped forward and placed a hoof under his chin, forcing the toppled tyrant to look up to meet her gaze. He scowled, but could do nothing against the power move with a dozen spears at his throat. "You see, what you don't understand is the same thing that Tirek didn't understand. What Starlight didn't understand. And Sombra. And Chrysalis. Even Discord back in the day. It's what all you two-bit villains and wannabe conquerors don't understand."
She allowed a friendly expression to grace her face, mimicking Celestia's serene smile with a twinkle of mirth behind the eyes. "That no matter how powerful your sorcery, how big your army, how complex your stratagems, none of it holds a candle to the magic of fried-shrimp and ham-money."
