Free to Play to Win

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Twilight and her friends play an MMORPG, venturing through the game's newest dungeon despite their low levels. But with the help of Luna's OP character, they managed to get to the final stage with little effort.

But now that Luna's gone, it's up for them to defeat a boss that can zero out their health in one strike.

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Lets Do This

Lets Do This #1 · May 30th, 2019 · 1 · ·

This is a lot of fun, and captures the MMORPG experience well. The characters are well-cast, with Rainbow as the gung-ho tank, Pinkie as the why-did-we-bring-her Rogue, and Twilight as the tactician-by-default, a.k.a. the only member of the party who understands how to play and doesn't go charging in without thinking. I liked Luna's cameo at the end as the uber player of the party utterly shafted by the players she's twinking. It would be even better with some kind of reaction scene, where Luna is miffed that they spoiled her grand entrance by engaging the boss too soon.

The one main editorial suggestion I have here is that there's a lot of tense-flipping throughout. The default tense for narrative is past tense, even when describing something that is still the case (as when describing an aspect of the game, for example). Work on recognizing and keeping your tense consistent, and your writing will be much improved.

locke_jaw

locke_jaw #2 · May 30th, 2019 · · ·

9651966
Thanks for the feedback! I'll be taking note of your suggestion and hope to make good use of it in my future stories. And also, thanks for reading!

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