DarkRyu
Joined 23rd Jan, 2012 ·
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Hey, contest judge leaving some notes. Figured I may as well get myself fired from the judge panel by dropping some critique.
I'll try the compliment sandwich.
The premise is rather good I think. Luna's desperate search for porn allowed for some comedic levity which is always welcome. What really makes the levity work for me is Luna's unflinching resolve in the face of the background characters. She wants porn and she doesn't give any fucks whether anyone knows that. It's an aspect of Luna I enjoy seeing explored, her complete lack of social finesse and tact, used to good effect here.
There were a few things that I believed could have been a bit better, too.
For something that's more subjective that I personally didn't like, there was the reason you gave for all the magazines being princest. You conjured this elaborate conceit for it, and Celestia delivers the information in a serious manner. The fic seems to want me to take it seriously and I kinda just couldn't. It seemed a bit far fetched.
Personally? I woulda just said Celestia outlawed all other types of porn because she's a secret dictator. Yeah it's a bit extreme but it could be played for laughs and isn't any more ridiculous than the idea that all ponies lost all desire for all other types of porn.
It's not a big deal or anything.
In terms of more technical things there wasn't anything major that stood out to me. One thing was the story not being in third limited. It's presented as omniscient-but-mostly-Luna PoV. I think a more firm third limited viewpoint is a big benefit for stories like this where the emotions need to be conveyed more intimately. Although it wasn't rampant, you may want to review Filtering and look out for more of them during editing.
The other thing I'd spend some time thinking about is psychic distance. I think there were more chances to bring the distance in closer. Most of the fic sits at about a 3 and rarely deviates.
So a sandwich has two slices of compliment right?
All in all, despite my wall of text of somewhat nitpicky technical critique, I did like the fic overall. Your spelling and grammar are good and your understanding of writing mechanics is solid. The dialogue and the premise were highlights, and I also appreciated that you touched on Luna's uncertainty to the newness of sex with a mare -- a greatly underutilized concept in stories I think, especially in incest fics.
Thanks again.