• Published 26th Nov 2018
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Cards Against Creatures - Dawn Flower



The Student Six play Cards Against Humanity.

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Round 1

“Cards Against Equestria?” Gallus asked. Classes at the School of Friendship had ended for the day, so, the Student Six – of Sandbar, Gallus, Yona, Smolder, Ocellus and Silverstream – were all gathered in their dormitory. About half an hour ago, Sandbar had asked all of them to gather there so that he could talk to them about a new game that they could play together.

“That’s right,” Sandbar replied. “It’s a fun card game that we can all play together. That tagline for the game is: Cards Against Equestria: A party game for horrible people.”

That caused five eyebrows to raise in confusion. “Why Yona want to be horrible person? Yak best at everything,” she said with her signature yak pride.

“It does sound kind of strange,” Ocellus added.

“Plus,” Gallus interjected. “If the goal is to be a horrible person, pretty sure that griffons win automatically.”

Everycreature again looked at Sandbar quizzically, but the pony simply gave a light-hearted chuckle before continuing. “I know that it sounds strange the way I’m saying it, but hear me out,” he began. “The other day when I was having my councillor meeting with Starlight, she talked about how proud she was of how strong the friendship was between the six of us; saying that we represented everything that this school stands for.”

“Awww, that was nice to hear,” Ocellus cooed.

“Well, we did recently save all of Equestria,” Smolder offered up.

“Yeah, if that doesn’t get compliments on our friendship around here, I don’t think anything would,” Gallus added.

“Anyway,” Sandbar continued. “After all that, she then told me about this game. She said that it was a lot of fun to play with your friends, and that almost every round has you rolling on the floor laughing.” This got the other five to lean in closer in interest. “Although,” he continued. “She also said that the humour in the game can get kind of... well, raunchy.”

That got most of the others to pull back a little, except for Silverstream. “Oooooooooooooooooooooo, you mean like where Professor Applejack lives.”

Smolder simply turned towards the hippogriff. “Raunchy, not ranchy.”

“Ooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhh,” she drolled on. Then she deadpanned. “Yeah, I don’t know what that means.

Ocellus stepped forward to explain. “Basically, it means energetically earthy or...” She hesitated a moment. “”Sexually explicit.”

There was an uncomfortable moment of silence followed by that explanation, which was finally broken when Sandbar spoke up, scratching at his mane awkwardly. “Yeah, Starlight did say that was a lot of what the game was like, and it can make it really awkward with close friends. But,” he continued, now sounding more confident. “She also said that if you can make it passed all of that and still have a lot of fun, then that means that you have a friendship that can survive anything.”

Ocellus was the first one to have her interest peaked. “Oh, so it’s kind of like a test of how strong our friendship is?”

“Yeah, that’s right,” Sandbar replied. “We can have a tonne of fun and make our friendship even stronger.” He then looked around the room at each of them. “So, what do you say? Do you want to play?”

The other five all looked between themselves. Finally, Ocellus was the first to speak up. “Well, if it will prove how strong our friendship is, then sure. I’m in.”

“And if it’s fun, then I’m in too,” Silverstream exclaimed.

“Great,” Sandbar said. He then turned towards the others. “What about the rest of you?”

Yona raised a hoof to her mouth. “Yona not sure. Yaks best at everything, so Yona not want to be worst person.”

Sandbar began to frown at her response. “Well, okay, I guess if you don’t want to.”

“That’s okay, Yona.” Silverstream spoke up. “You don’t have to play if you don’t want to, and we respect your decision.” This caused Yona to smile contently. “I guess this game is just going to be the one thing that yaks aren’t best at.” She added.

This quickly caused Yona’s expression to shift. “You take that back!” She yelled, pointing her hoof at Silverstream. She then turned to face to Sandbar. “Okay, Yona in.” She said with a stomp of her hoof.

“Great.” Sandbar smiled. He then turned towards Gallus and Smolder, who were the last two to join.

“Eh, sure, why not?” Gallus said, with a shrug of his shoulders. “It sounds like fun. Plus if we get into trouble with the teachers, we can just tell them that it was Starlight’s idea, so, hey, no consequences.”

Once Gallus had agreed to play, everycreature turned to look at Smolder. “Well, if everyone else is playing, then I’m not gonna be the one to spoil the fun, so, sure, I’m in too.”

“Awesome!” Sandbar exclaimed. “In that case, everycreature gather in the centre of the room while I explain the rules.” He then reached over and grabbed a small, black box, while the other five sat down on the floor, forming a circle in the centre of the room.

Opening the box, Sandbar pulled out two stacks of cards, one white and one black, with the stack of white cards being much bigger. “First off, we each start with ten white cards, which all have a statement written on them,” he began as he shuffled the white cards. “Then each player will take turns being the Card Princess, who takes a black card and reads off the statement on that, but it will have a blank space on it. The other players then select one of their cards with the funniest statement to match the black card, and the Card Princess then has to read them all out and select one of them as the winner. If you win, you get one point, represented by that black card, and the next player to their left becomes the Card Princess. You then draw another white card until you have ten again. Once everyone has been the Card Princess once, then that will be one round.” He explained.

“It sounds simple enough,” Ocellus spoke up. She then looked around the room and got affirmative nods from all the others. “So how many rounds does the game have?”

“Well, Starlight said that a game can have as many rounds as you want, though she recommended ten, so we’ll go to that,” Sandbar answered as he continued shuffling the cards. When he was done, he then began distributing the cards to himself and the others, one by one, until they all had ten cards.

Once everycreature picked up their cards and took a look at what they were, they all collectively changed expressions, realising exactly what this game would entail.

“Oh, wow,” Ocellus blushed as she read her cards. “These certainly are... raunchy.”

“Hahahahahahahahahahaha!” Silverstream laughed out loud. “Wow, I’m laughing already.”

“You said it,” Gallus said to her, with a smile of his own, though his was more devious. “This is gonna be good.”

“If the two of you are done making out,” Smolder chimed in, which earned her a glare from Gallus, but quickly turned into a blush when Silverstream looked at him.

“Alright, everycreature,” Sandbar interjected. “How about I be the Card Princess first so that you can all get a feel for the game, and then we rotate left?” He got five affirmative head nods in response. “Alright then.”

Reaching over, Sandbar took the first black card from the deck. “Alright, here go,” he began, reading the text on the card. “It’s a pity that kids these days are all getting involved with blank.”

After hearing the prompt, the other five started looking through their cards, trying to pick out the one that would be the funniest match. After about ten seconds, they had all made their choice and handed the card to Sandbar. Once he had all the cards, he then quickly shuffled them so that he wouldn’t know beforehand whose card was whose.

“Alright, first card,” Sandbar began, picking up the first card. “It’s a pity that kids these days are all getting involved with a negative body image that is totally justified.”

“That’s kind of more accurate than I was expecting from a game like this,” Smolder commented.

“Moving on,” Sandbar continued. “It’s a pity that kids these days are all getting involved with inserting a mason jar into my anus.”

“Ouch.” Silverstream said, instinctively putting her talon around her nether region.

“Especially if that’s every child doing it to just one person,” Smolder added.

Gallus smirked. “See, now that’s the kind of thing that I was expecting from a game like this.”

Sandbar drew another card. “It’s a pity that kids these days are all getting involved with a finger up the butt.”

The crudeness of the language made Ocellus blush, and she was inwardly wondering just how long she could last.

“So wait, does not include the hooved kids?” Silverstream wondered aloud.

Sandbar drew another card. “It’s a pity that kids these days are all getting involved with vehicular manslaughter.”

“Yep, that is a pity,” Smolder deadpanned.

“And finally,” Sandbar began. “It’s a pity that kids these days are all getting involved with the Flores Genocide.”

That raised a few eyebrows. “What a Flores?” Yona asked.

“The Flores are a species of plant-like creatures,” Ocellus began, launching into one of her trademark lectures. “That went around stealing all of the water from a region, leaving all other plants around them to die. They also used the tactic of using their innocent appearance to pretend to be good and kind to fool everyone around them that they were good, and that the Crabnasty police that follow them to stop them were actually the bad guys.” Suddenly, her expression changed to become more sombre. “Eventually, the Crabnasties decided that enough was enough and just exterminated the entire species to stop them once and for all.”

When the rest of group noticed how emotional this was making her, she half looked away from the group. “I don’t really like thinking about that because... well, the Flores are a lot like what the changelings used to be like, and if things were just a little bit different, maybe the same thing would have happened to us, and we would been exterminated without being given that chance like we have.” She then began to tear up as she continued.

The sight made the rest of them wince, and Silverstream couldn’t resist pulling Ocellus into a comforting hug.

“Wow, deep.” Gallus said, sounding uncharacteristically wistful. “And this is only the first round.” He then turned towards Sandbar. “So, who wins this time?”

Sandbar suddenly remembered the game. “Oh, right.” He then looked at all of the white cards he had been given. “I think I’ll go with a negative body image. Who had that card?”

Still within the hug, Ocellus gingerly raised her hoof.

“Alright then,” Sandbar spoke. “That means you get one point. The points are represented by the black cards, so you hold on to this,” he said, passing the black card over to her.

Having now cooled down from her emotional outpouring, Ocellus accepted the card.

Simply looking between the group for a second, Smolder finally spoke up. “Anyone else see the irony in that the shapeshifter had the card about a poor body image?”

“Whatever, let’s just move on with the game.” Gallus interrupted. He then turned towards Sandbar. “So, what’s next?”

“Well, first we all draw one more white card to put us back up to ten. Next we rotate left for the new Card Princess, which is... you, Gallus.”

Smolder couldn’t but giggle at the notion. “You’re up, Princess Gallus.”

“Oh, don’t you even,” Gallus replied, pointing a hard talon at her. After everyone had drawn another white card, he then drew a black card and read it out. “Mr. and Mrs. Flower, we called you in because we’re concerned about Dawn. Are you aware that your daughter is blank?”

Each of the students began searching through their cards, looking for the best match, now including Sandbar who was participating for the first time. Once everycreature had handed in their cards, Gallus began reading them off.

“Mr. and Mrs. Flower, we called you in because we’re concerned about Dawn. Are you aware that your daughter is living a thousand lives, each more terrible than the last?”

“Yeah, that’s probably something that parents should be aware of,” Ocellus said.

“Must be pretty negligent parents to not already be aware of something like that,” Sandbar responded.

Gallus then drew another card. “Mr. and Mrs. Flower, we called you in because we’re concerned about Dawn. Are you aware that your daughter is cutting off my nose with a scissors?”

Smolder raised an eyebrow. “So it’s happening right in front of them and the teacher’s still asking if they’re aware of it?”

“Definitely negligent parents,” Sandbar said again.

Gallus continued. “Mr. and Mrs. Flower, we called you in because we’re concerned about Dawn. Are you aware that your daughter is the ugliest boy in town?”

“Wow.” Silverstream spoke up.

Gallus drew another card. “Mr. and Mrs. Flower, we called you in because we’re concerned about Dawn. Are you aware that your daughter is the world’s largest baby, weighing over 700 pounds?”

“I think we can officially say that this is the worst teacher ever,” Smolder commented.

“I’m glad none of our teacher’s are like this,” Ocellus continued.

“And finally, Mr. and Mrs. Flower, we called you in because we’re concerned about Dawn. Are you aware that your daughter is getting deported?”

“Okay, I can’t decide whether the teacher or the parents are worse in this situation,” Sandbar spoke up.

“Whatever,” Gallus said. “I’ll pick living a thousand different lives.”

“Yes, Yona win!” Yona exclaimed, reaching over and grabbing the black card.

“Your also the next Card Princess, Yona,” Ocellus told her.

The young yak smiled and then took a new black card and read it aloud. “Why my moustache smell so bad?” The others quickly chose their cards and gave them to Yona. “Why my moustache smell so bad? Some real spicy shrimps.”

Sandbar gave a small, uncomfortable shrug at the idea of eating meat, while Gallus and Silverstream instead licked their lips, now feeling hungry.

“Why my moustache smell so bad?” Yona’s eyes suddenly widened when she read the next card. “Uhh...” She trailed off, nervously. “Huffing and puffing and blowing my stepdad.”

The rest of the group had similar reactions. “Wow, that is seriously messed up,” Smolder spoke up.

Wanting the move on, Yona quickly picked up the next card and read it out. “Why my moustache smell so bad? Hot lettuce.”

“That one is relatively normal, actually,” Ocellus said.

“And a big improvement over the last one,” Smolder added.

“Why my moustache smell so bad?” Yona continued, now starting to calm down from the earlier card. “Shit.” She was now less calm.

“That one’s more in between the previous ones,” Gallus said with a casual wave of his talon.

“And finally,” Yona began. “Why my moustache smell so bad? Authentic dragon cuisine.”

That card got a good laugh out of everycreature. “Yona decide, this card wins.”

“Booya!” Smolder exclaimed, standing up as she did so, and then taking the black card. “And I can speak from personal experience that authentic dragon cuisine would leave someone’s moustache smelling bad. Also, I’m a dragon so I can say that.”

Ocellus turned towards Yona. “I’m kind of surprised that you didn’t pick...” She squeamed a little. “You know,” she said, with a slight wave of her hoof.

Yona eyes popped open again in realisation, but quickly tried to hide it. “Yona not want to think about that one.”

“I think we’re all in agreement about that,” Smolder said with a wry smile, sitting back down again, earning some affirmative laughs from the rest of the group.

Inwardly, Sandbar was breathing a sigh of relief, actually glad that his card wasn’t chosen this time. He was also now slightly worried about the game moving forward, with the kinds of things that would be coming.

“Oooooooooooooo, that means you’re the Card Princess next, Smolder,” Silverstream beamed.

“Alright,” Smolder confirmed, reaching out and drawing a black card.

“I’m sure you like the sound of that, Princess,” Gallus said to her, giving her a knowing look.

“Shut it,” Smolder replied, giving him a similar look. She then returned her attention to the black card. “The sequel is here! Blank 2: Blank.”

“Oh, that reminds me,” Sandbar chimed in. “Some cards have two blank spaces on them. For those, you have to submit two cards, in the order that you want them to be read out in.”

After being updated on the rules, the five players in this round took the time to pick out two cards, now putting extra thought into the order in which they would play each card. There was also a small amount of giggling coming from each player as they chose their two cards.

Once all of the cards had been handed up and in the proper order, Smolder took them all two at a time and proceeded to read them. Once she drew the first pair, she was already overcome with laughter and struggle to read it in one breath. “The sequel is here! Itchy Pussy 2: Explaining how vaginas work. Hahahahahahahahaha!”

This was immediately met with a cacophonous roar of laughter from everyone in the room, with many of them falling on to their sides laughing, not even caring how raunchy it sounded.

Raising a claw to her mouth to try and calm down enough to continue, Smolder took out the next pair of cards. “Okay, moving on. The sequel is here! Restoring Equestria to its Former Glory 2: Apep the World Serpent.”

These cards got a good bit of laughter, but still nowhere near as much as the first. Smolder then picked up the next set of cards. “The sequel is here! Anal 2: A Poop Emergency.”

The roars of laughter were back, though still not as high as the first set of cards this round. “That sounds like the title of an actual clop film,” Silverstream laughed.

“Wait, how do you know about does types of movies?” Gallus asked her, wiping a tear from his eye, from laughter.

“Oh, my brother has a huge collection of them. I stumbled on quite a few of them whenever I went into his room.”

While the rest of the group thought on the implications of that, Ocellus was curious about something else. “Wait, you lived underwater for most of your life. How did you have movies?”

“Magic.” Silverstream answered immediately.

Ocellus just blinked. “I don’t know what I expected.”

“Anyway, moving on,” Smolder continued, picking up the next set of cards. “The sequel is here! Seething with Quiet Resentment 2: The Yaks.”

That got another round of laughter from the group, except for Yona, who simply crossed her front hooves in front of her. “Yona not think that funny.”

“And finally,” Smolder began, picking up the last set of cards. “The sequel is here! Making Love to a Couch 2: Getting Fisted by a Man with No Fingers.”

This card again got some laughter, though it was now starting to die down.

“Well, I think we can all agree that this was the best round so far, and it was the one with me as the Card Princess,” Smolder announced with pride.

“You mean the round that you didn’t take part in?” Gallus asked snidely.

“I told you to shut it,” Smolder responded, waving a claw at him, derisively. “Anyway, I think we can all agree who won this round. Who had the itchy pussy?” She asked, holding up the black card.

Ocellus’ cheeks turned bright red as she raised her hoof. “Could you please phrase that differently?”

“Nope,” Smolder responded, flicking the card towards her. “Now you’re Card Princess.”

“Okay,” Ocellus replied, taking the black card for the point she won and then drew another to read the prompt. “Equestria is hungry. Equestria wants blank.”

The other five students began choosing their answers, and they had all chosen very quickly. With the cards in hoof, Ocellus began reading them off. “Equestria is hungry. Equestria wants a pringle.”

“Then they’re probably not that hungry.” Gallus mentioned.

“Equestria is hungry. Equestria wants a piping hot casserole, filled with beans and hair.” She moved on quickly. “Equestria is hungry. Equestria wants bisexuality.”

“Well, it didn’t exactly say what they were hungry for,” Silverstream commented.

“Equestria is hungry. Equestria wants clearly asking for no cucumbers in my salad and yet here we are.” Ocellus tilted her head. “The grammar is a little off there. And finally, Equestria is hungry. Equestria wants Barbeque World.”

That last one got a lot of laughs from the group, even Sandbar, who was the only one from a race that was strictly vegetarian.

“Okay, I pick Barbeque World,” Ocellus announced.

“Yes!” Smolder exclaimed loudly, standing up in celebration. When she sat back down again, she threw her arm around Ocellus’ neck. “See, we got each other’s back.”

“Oooooooooooooooooooooo, so now I’m Card Princess!” Silverstream piped up. She then quickly leaned over and drew a black card. “In the past, psychologists prescribed blank as a cure for homosexuality.”

“Oooooo, topical,” Smolder commented.

Silverstream simply tilted her head towards Smolder in confusion at that. “Why? Is anybody here gay? Because I’m straight.”

“I’m straight too!” Gallus shouted out, a bit too quickly, before quickly slinking back to appear smaller.

Sandbar gave Gallus a weird look before responding. “Well, I’m not gay, I’m nothing yet.” He then looked across from him. “Ocellus?”

“Well, changelings don’t really have a sexuality, since changing form includes changing our gender, so gender isn’t really a factor in relationships for us.” She then looked next to her. “What about you, Yona?”

Yona brought a hoof to her mouth. “Uhh, what best sexuality?”

“Okay!” Smolder quickly interrupted. “That’s another can of worms entirely. How about we just get back to playing?”

With that, everyone chose their card for this round and handed it over to Silverstream.

Beginning, the excitable hippogriff stood up and placed one claw across her chest. “As the Card Princess, I have a declaration to make, and that declaration is as follows,” she spoke in an obviously exaggerated tone. “In the past, psychologists prescribed doing crimes as a cure for homosexuality.”

The way that Silverstream did the address alone got a few chuckles, and then the contents of the first card got more.

“Well, that would explain why it’s not used anymore,” Sandbar commented. “Equestria has next to no crimes anymore.”

Silverstream continued in the same manner. “In the past, psychologists prescribed the Filly Scouts of Equestria as a cure for homosexuality.”

“Starting it young, huh?” Smolder commented. Her comment ended up getting more laughs than the card.

“In the past, psychologists prescribed assembling IKEA furniture as a cure for homosexuality.” She quickly moved on to the next card. “In the past, psychologists prescribed denying the past as a cure for homosexuality.”

“Now that sounds like an old fashioned cure for homosexuality,” Gallus spoke up.

“And finally,” Silverstream began. “In the past, psychologists prescribed DJPon3 digital surround sound as a cure for homosexuality.”

“Kind of ironic, considering the rumours surrounding Vinyl Scratch,” Sandbar said.

“What rumours?” Gallus questioned. “Aren’t Vinyl and Octavia a confirmed couple?”

“As a changeling who can sense the emotions of those around her and who has passed by both of them repeatedly, I can confirm that, yes, they are.”

Hearing about changelings being able to sense emotions like that, Gallus very discretely shuffled away from Ocellus a bit.

Silverstream then laid out the five white cards in front of her, trying to pick a winner. “Oooooooo, how do I choose?” She wondered aloud, whilst stroking her beak. After about five seconds, she picked up a card. “I pick ‘Denying the Past’.”

“Yes, Yona win again!” Yona loudly proclaimed, and reached over and grabbed the black card. “Yona best at this game!”

“Don’t forget that this is only the first round,” Gallus said, next to her. He then smiled. “But I’m having fun.”

“Me too,” Ocellus continued. “While I still wouldn’t feel comfortable using the kind of language in this game around my family or teachers, I feel fine doing it with all of you.” She then smiled through her red cheeks. “I guess that shows just how strong our friendship is.”

Sandbar also smiled. “I guess Starlight’s plan for us worked out, after all. Although, there are still nine more rounds to go.”

“I’m having fun! I wanna keep playing!” Silverstream screamed in excitation.

Taking her hands away from her ears after Silverstream’s loud exclamation, Smolder cut in. “Before we do, however, how about we take a break and get some snacks, and then come back up here for round two? We may be here awhile?”

Following a round of affirmations, the six students made their way out of the room. As they were leaving, after Sandbar, Smolder, Yona and Silverstream had passed through the doorway, Ocellus turned to Gallus and simply said, with a knowing look, “I felt that.”

Those three words caused Gallus to halt in his stride and his cheeks to turn red, as he simply stared at Ocellus. “Uhhh...”

Without missing a beat, Ocellus followed up with, “You’re lucky I’m a good friend. Your secret’s safe with me,” she ended with a wink.

When Gallus just silently grumbled to himself, the only thing that he heard was, “I felt that too.”

Author's Note:

Score:

Sandbar: 0
Gallus: 0
Yona: 2
Smolder: 2
Ocellus: 2
Silverstream: 0