• Published 26th Nov 2018
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Cards Against Creatures - Dawn Flower



The Student Six play Cards Against Humanity.

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Round 2

After taking a short break to assemble an assortment of snacks for the long night ahead of them, such as cupcakes, potato chips, soda, and some species exclusive snacks, like gems for Smolder, the six students returned to their dormitory to continue their game of Cards Against Equestria.

“So, is everycreature ready to continue?” Sandbar asked, as they all returned to their sitting positions, with their cards and snacks in hand/hoof/claw. He was met with four affirmative head nods, and one muffled ‘mmmhmmm’ from Silverstream, through a mouthful of potato chips, as she flashed him a thumbs up.

“Alright then,” Sandbar said with a smile. “Since we’re starting a new round, I’ll be the Card Princess again and we’ll go around in the same order as last time.” Reaching over, he picked up a black card. “Starting off, 50% of all marriages end in blank.”

After hearing the prompt, the other five students quickly looked down at their cards, trying to pick out their reply. They were completely calm in their selection, with a few quiet giggles between themselves as they looked over their options, having gotten over the initial awkwardness of the game and its raunchy language from the last round, now being replaced with genuine enjoyment.

After about ten seconds, everycreature had handed up their cards.

“Alright, first card,” Sandbar began. “50% of all marriages end in one of them big city lawyers.”

“Accurate,” Smolder stated dryly, while taking a bite of a gemstone.

“Pretty sure you’re eating someponies college fund right now,” Gallus said to her from aside.

“No, I’m not,” Smolder responded casually, waving a claw at him. “They’re Spike’s.” She immediately followed up with.

Ocellus raised an eyebrow at that. “He does know that you took them, right?”

“Eh, what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him,” the dragoness again casually waved it off. She then faced Sandbar. “So, what’s the next card?”

“Oh, right,” Sandbar remembered, picking up the next card. “50% of all marriages end in a legal grey area.”

“Also, accurate,” Ocellus chimed in.

“50% of all marriages end in an empowered woman.” That card got a few laughs from the group. “50% of all marriages end in getting half hard and trying to smoosh it in.” That card got even more laughter from the whole group, with them not even squeaming at the sexual reference.

“And finally, 50% of all marriages end in the Everfree Forest Café.” This card got a smaller amount of laughter from the group.

“They must have a weird clientele,” Smolder added.

“I actually like this one.” Sandbar spoke up. “It’s subversive to what you’d expect, but it still makes a strange sense in context. I’ll go with this one.”

“Yay, I won one!” Silverstream shouted out. “Ooooooooooooo, that was fun to say. Won one. Won one. Won one. Won one. Won one. Won one.” She continued.

Sandbar just rolled his eyes playfully at her and set the black card next to her. “Okay, Gallus, you’re Card Princess next,” he said, turning to address his griffon friend next to him.

“Huh?” Gallus asked, seeming a bit distracted. “Oh, right,” he quickly recovered, picking up a black card and reading it. “Okay, this is another two card round. That’s right. I killed blank. How, you ask? Blank.”

The rest of the group looked down at their cards again, to decide their choice, putting extra consideration into the order that they would go in. When they had all decided, they handed them to Gallus.

Once he had all of the cards in talon, he placed each set of two in front of him, and picked them up in a random order, instead of shuffling them all. He then picked up the first two cards. “That’s right. I killed 72 virgins. How, you ask? Swordplay.”

There was a decent amount of laughter. He then picked up another two cards. “That’s right. I killed a man with the head of a goat and the body of a goat. How, you ask? Getting shot by a condor.”

Those cards got considerably less laughter.

“So… just a goat, then?” Smolder half-wondered.

“Maybe it was the legendary villain, Grogar?” Ocellus answered. “Although, the grammar feels a bit off on that one,” she noted.

Moving on, Gallus picked up another two cards. “That’s right. I killed a cold and indifferent universe. How, you ask? Founding a major world religion.”

The laughter was back with these cards.

“Probably the fastest slash only way to kill an entire universe,” Silverstream commented.

“That’s right. I killed a concerning amount of ponies. How, you ask? A bomb!”

This set got the loudest roar of laughter yet.

“Very good round,” Smolder noted, with a slight air tap.

“Very good grammar on that one too,” Ocellus said with pride.

“Finally,” Gallus began, picking up the last two cards. “That’s right. I killed racism. How, you ask? Famine.”

As expected, the laughter continued.

“Well, that’s one way to get rid of all the racists,” Sandbar spoke up.

“Take that, Chancellor Neighsay!” Yona suddenly screamed out. That then earned a huge roar of laughter from the whole group, with some of them falling on their side laughing.

“Okay, I pick that one,” Gallus said, while trying to stop his sides from splitting, holding up the black card.

“Yay, that’s me again.” Silverstream announced, happily clapping her claws together. She then reached over and took the black card from him.

Sandbar suddenly looked a bit worried. “Oh, man, we need to score soon, man,” he said, addressing Gallus. “We’re the only ones who don’t have any points.”

“Huh?” Gallus said, taking a moment to register his comment.

Sandbar raised an eyebrow. “Are you okay, man? You seem a bit distracted lately.”

“No, I’m fine,” Gallus assured him, with a wave of his talon. “Yona, you’re up next,” he said, picking up a black card and passing it to her.

“Yes!” Yona replied, quickly grabbing the card from him and reading it aloud. “I hate this job. I hate this place. Most of all, I hate blank. I quit.”

Smolder smirked. “That certainly sounds like a yak thing to say,” she said, sarcastically.

That got a few wry smiles from the others, but Yona was not impressed. “For that, you have to read out your own card.”

Smolder reacted in confusion. “Wait, can she do that?” She asked, addressing the group.

Sandbar, who was the one most familiar with the rules of the game, answered. “Well, Yona’s the Card Princess, so anything she says goes.”

Yona gave Smolder a devilish smirk in response. Smolder, however, just sighed acceptably. “Fine, but I’ll remember that.” Her cool expression faded quickly, however, when she looked down at her cards. “Oh, boy.” This made Yona’s smirk even bigger.

When everyone had their cards chosen, Yona decided that Smolder would go first. Letting out a sigh, the dragoness simply stood up, wanting to get this over with. “I hate this job. I hate this place. Most of all, I hate… braiding three penises into a Twizzler. I quit.”

The reaction was pretty much what she expected, with an awkward silence from everyone in the room, who couldn’t meet Smolder’s gaze.

“Whatever,” the dragoness groaned. “Ocellus, you’re next.”

“Oh, right,” the changeling piped up. She then read from her card. “I hate this job. I hate this place. Most of all, I hate the fact that there’s a bread company called Bimbo. I quit.”

The awkward silence ended, with laughter coming from all of the students, even Smolder.

“Random humour!” Silverstream announced excitedly. She then read her card next, in the same excited tone. “I hate this job. I hate this place. Most of all, I hate putting an apple in a little colt’s mouth and roasting him for dinner. I quit.”

The laughter died down a little bit, and Sandbar was up next. “I hate this job. I hate this place. Most of all, I hate microaggressions. I quit.”

The laughter continued, and finally, Gallus went. “I hate this job. I hate this place. Most of all, I hate pretending to be one of the guys but actually being a Spider God. I quit.”

“Yona like microaggressions. It ironic.”

Sandbar smiled. “That’s my card,” he said, taking his first point.

Turning towards Yona, Gallus asked, “How do you even know that word?”

“What? Yona read,” she defended.

“Whatever,” Gallus waved off. “Anybody else find it ironic that in a game where the worst person wins, the griffon is coming in last?”

“Whatever,” Smolder waved him off like he just did. “Okay, I’m up next,” she said, drawing a black card. “What will end racism once and for all?”

“Famine!” Silverstream blurted out immediately, which caused everyone to burst out laughing, including Yona, who was in the middle of drinking soda at that moment, doing a spit take.

“You can’t reuse cards, Silver,” Sandbar spoke up, in between his laughter.

Silverstream just shrugged adorably, and she and everyone else went back to picking their cards. When they had all chosen, they handed them to Smolder, who quickly shuffled them before reading them out.

“What will end racism once and for all? Making out and stuff.” She then shrugged. “Probably,” she commented, now firmly back in the game, with all of her laughter and witty comments. “What will end racism once and for all? Hearthwarming orphans.”

“Going the weaponized cute route, huh,” Sandbar spoke up.

“What will end racism once and for all? Locusts.”

“Biblical.”

“What will end racism once and for all? A cockatrice.”

“Aaaand that would be the actual weapons route,” Sandbar added.

“And lastly, what will end racism once and for all?” Smolder hesitated just a second before saying it. “Just now finding out about the Flores Genocide.” There wasn’t much laughter this round, but the silence that followed was the same as the last time this type of card was played, and with a quick glance to the changeling sitting next to her and her reaction, Smolder could guess who had played it. “Uhh, I pick this card. Who had it?” She asked, guessing she knew the answer.

She was proven right when Ocellus gingerly raised her hoof. Smolder just gently handed her the black card she won, and another for her to read out next. “Okay, you’re up next, Ocellus.”

“Thanks,” the changeling replied quietly, using her magic to take both cards.

Noticing her friend’s sadness, Silverstream gave her a short hug. “Better?” She asked.

“Yeah, it was,” Ocellus smiled. Feeling better know, she held the next black card in front of her face. “What’s hot, smelly, and about to die?” She asked, immediately ruining the moment.

While all six of them just giggled at the emotional 180 degree flip, the other five immediately got back into the spirit of the game and chose the best, and at the same time, the worst cards that they had and passed them to Ocellus.

“Okay,” the changeling began. “What’s hot, smelly, and about to die? A creature made of penises that must constantly arouse itself to survive.”

The laughter was instantaneous, with the idea of something was just too ludicrous not to find funny, completely undercutting the serious moment not two minutes ago.

Trying to stifle her laughter, Ocellus read the next card. “What’s hot, smelly, and about to die? A superhero whose power is he has sex with dogs and children.”

The reaction to this one was pure disgust, with many of them trying not to throw up in their own mouths.

“Let’s hope he never shows up in the Power Ponies,” Smolder commented. “That’s not R-rated; that’s just obsene.”

Ocellus moved on quickly. “What’s hot, smelly, and about to die? The toilet.”

“Makes sense,” Yona noted.

“But why would it be dying?” Gallus asked.

“He probably met that superhero,” Silverstream answered, which got more laughs than the card.

“What’s hot, smelly, and about to die? The Amish.”

“Wow,” Silverstream was the first to speak. “Now that’s horrible.”

“But probably accurate,” Smolder added.

Ocellus made a face. “Better not let Professor Pinkie Pie find out about this one.” She then read the final card. “What’s hot, smelly, and about to die? Informing you that I am a registered sex offender.”

That earned a huge roar of laughter from everyone. “Accurate on all three fronts,” Sandbar commented.

Ocellus held a hoof to her mouth to try and hold in her laughter so that she could think. “Let’s see,” she said, levitating the sex offender card. “This card was probably the funniest. But,” she continued, levitating that Amish card. “...if the goal is to be the worst person, then I have to go with this one.”

“Yes, I’m on the board!” Gallus screamed out, leaping to his feet and pumping his fist in the air.

Seeing his over-the-top attitude, Smolder couldn’t resist smirking. “What is wrong with you?” She asked in a playful tone.

“That,” Gallus answered in the same tone. “Is how you play Cards Against Equestria: Griffon Style.” He then started fanning himself. “Yes, yes, give me your hate. It gives me strength.” His hammy delivery earned another round of laughter.

Silverstream laughed into her claw, trying to hold it back. “Okay, my turn,” she said, drawing a black card. “Say it loud! I’m blank and I’m proud!” She announced loudly, with a smile on her face. “And,” she added. “I want each of you to read out your own cards. The Card Princess has spoken.” She said with her arm over her chest, as if she were giving a royal decree.

Each of the five students then began selecting their cards. Sandbar was the first to choose his and stood up immediately, eager to go first. “Since I’ve selected my card, I’ll go first.” He then gestured wildly, throwing his hooves in the air. “Say it loud! I’m a beautiful androgonous changeling and I’m proud!”

There was instantly laughter from all of the other students, with Sandbar then giving a mock bow in response.

“Aren’t all changelings pretty androgonous looking?” Smolder asked.

Ocellus suddenly stopped laughing. “Hey, that’s racist.”

“No, it’s a stereotype. There’s a difference,” Smolder defended.

Ocellus simply gave Smolder a soft glare. “Alright, let’s hear yours then.”

Smolder simply rolled her eyes. “I don’t really have any good cards for this round, so I guess I’ll just use this one. Say it loud! I’m having a wonderful time at the zoo and I’m proud!” She announced in an obviously fake enthusiasm.

Gallus, however, laughed at the hidden circumstances. “That actually does sound like you,” he said with a hidden meaning between the two of them.

Smolder’s eyes widened. “I said quiet, you!” she retorted quickly, though was only met with a knowing smirk. When Ocellus also started giggling, she turned back towards her. “Alright, let’s hear from Ocellus next.”

“Gladly,” the changeling happily acquiested. “Say it loud! I’m jumping off the roof with an umbrella and hoping for the best and I’m proud!”

Another round of laughter followed from the group.

Finally, Gallus stood up. “Well, your cards were all very entertaining, and they should serve as an excellent warm up for my amazing comeback.” He boasted, before taking in a big breath. “Say it loud! I’m drinking out of the toilet and eating garbage and I’m proud!”

The students were once again floored, literally, by their laughter, with many of them falling on to their stomachs. Like Sandbar earlier, Gallus did a mock bow afterwards.

Sandbar wiped a tear from his eye. “I take it that’s where you get all of your food and water back in Griffonstone.” Sandbar immediately regretted his choice of his words, as the cacaphonous laughter suddenly halted, being replaced with an awkward silence. “Uhh...”

No creature in the room said a thing, with all of the laughter and good times vanishing instantly.

Silverstream could tell that things were seriously – not funny – awkward, so she quickly tried to think of a way to diffuse it. “Uhh... I pick Gallus’ card. Congratulations, you win,” she said hurriedly, with a forced smile on her face.

“Huh?” Gallus suddenly snapped back, remembering the game. “Oh, yeah, right,” he stuttered, taking the black card she was offering him.

Seeing that things were starting to die down now, Smolder decided to speak up. “So, uhh, hey, how about we take a quick bathroom before we start round three?” She offered nervously.

“Uhh, yeah, good idea” Ocellus jumped in.

“Yona agree.”

“Yeah, sure,” Gallus agreed as well. All of the students then got up and shuffled out of the room, with Sandbar moving particularly fast.

Gallus, however, seemed to take his time.

Silverstream knew that Gallus still felt bad, so she tried to think of what else she could do to chear him up, and then suddenly, she remembered how she cheered Ocellus up earlier. Moving over to Gallus, she wrapped her arms around him in a big, gentle hug.

The sudden contact made Gallus jump slightly and turned down to look Silverstream in the eye.

Silverstream held him tightly and then looked up to meet his gaze. “Better?” She asked in an innocent tone of voice.

“Uhh, yeah, I really am,” Gallus stuttered, with an almost luminous blush on his face, though he honestly did feel better now.

Silverstream could tell this, so she beamed in response. “Good, I’m glad.” She then slowly released her grip on him. “Now come on, let’s go take a break.” She said in her usual bubbly personality. She then made her way out of the room, following the rest of her friends.

Gallus simply stood there for a moment, watching her leave, only making a move when he saw Ocellus move past him and suddenly noticed that she had been in the room the whole time. He was now blushing for entirely different reasons.

When Ocellus reached the doorframe, she stopped where she was, turned to Gallus, and simply gave him a knowing wink before continuing out the door.

A bit of his earlier expression returning, Gallus just grumbled to himself and left the room as well.

Author's Note:

Score:

Sandbar: 1
Gallus: 2
Yona: 2
Smolder: 2
Ocellus: 3
Silverstream: 2