• Published 26th Nov 2018
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Cards Against Creatures - Dawn Flower



The Student Six play Cards Against Humanity.

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Round 3

After a quick bathroom break to cool down after the drama at the end of the last round, the six students all returned to their dormitory to continue their game of Cards Against Equestria.

There was still an uncomfortable silence between the group, however. Sandbar scratched at his mane nervously. “Hey, man,” he started, addressing Gallus. “About what I said a few minutes ago. I didn’t...”

“Forget it,” Gallus cut him off, with a claw in his face. “It’s cool. We’re all getting caught up in the game, so we’re saying a bunch of crazy and stupid stuff. Really, it’s fine,” he said, with an understanding smile.

Sandbar breathed a sigh of relief.

“Besides,” Gallus continued. “I have more points than you right now, so that technically makes me worse than you,” he said, in a joking manner.

Sandbar laughed good-naturedly as well, before matching Gallus’ expression. “Oh, yeah. We’ll see about that.” He then turned to face the rest of the group. “You all ready?” When they all gave him affirmative expressions, he drew the first black card of the round. “All right.

“Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe it’s blank.”

Getting back into the game, the five students participating in the round went through their cards and handed their choice up to Sandbar. Taking the five cards and quickly shuffling them, he drew the first card. “Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe it’s penis envy.”

There was already laughter from the whole group once again, like the drama from a few minutes prior never happened. It felt good getting back into the swing of things.

“Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe it’s an 800 foot long pool noodle.”

There was less laughter this time, so Sandbar moved on pretty quickly.

“Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe it’s an infinite line of perfect cubes.”

There again wasn’t much laughter, save a small, amused chuckle, so Sandbar once again continued.

“Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe it’s late-stage dementia.”

The laughter was back up with this one.

“Finally,” Smolder spoke up. “This round was starting to sound pretty boring.”

“Last card,” Sandbar started. “Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe it’s wondering if it’s possible to get some salsa on the go.”

This card caused more laughter, so overall, this round was pretty balanced.

“Okay, that last one was good, but I think I’ll go with late-stage dementia,” Sandbar chose.

“Yes, I won!” Smolder announced, quickly grabbing the black card. “I’m coming for you, Ocellus,” she said, pointing a challening claw at her changeling friend, who in response, just tried to timidly hide behind her cards.

“Okay, I’m up next,” Gallus spoke up, drawing a black card. “What made my first kiss so awkward?”

Smolder sneered to herself. “Oh, this is gonna be a good round?”

Gallus, meanwhile, simply sneered as well. “Oh, it will, because you’re all reading out your own cards this round. The Card Princess has spoken!” He announced, in a similar manner that Silverstream had last round, which made the hippogriff giggle to herself.

After everyone drew another white card so that they were back up to ten again, the other five started going through their options. Since they would be reading out their own cards this round, that meant that they would be going in whatever order each of them made their choice.

Sandbar had chosen his card first, so he went first. “What made my first kiss so awkward? Poopy diapers.”

That got a good amount of laughs from the group. “Yeah, that would definitely be awkward,” Smolder commented. “Speaking of which,” she continued. “What made my first kiss so awkward? Slowly releasing a huge fart over the course of two minutes.”

There was again another round of laughter.

“That’s probably the text book definition of awkward,” Sandbar retorted.

“I’ll go next,” Silverstream spoke up excitedly, reading her own card. “What made my first kiss so awkward? Fragile masculinity.”

“That does make a certain amount of sense,” Ocellus commented. She then chose her card next, though she released a nervous sigh before she spoke. “What made my first kiss so awkward? …Penis breath.”

That earned a huge roar of laughter from everyone, and Yona even fell on her side from laughter.

“Wow, you’re one messed up changeling, Ocellus,” Smolder playfully teased her.

“It’s not me; it’s the cards,” Ocellus defended.

“Whatever,” the dragoness casually waved her off, leaving Ocellus blushing in embassasment.

Yona picked herself back up before reading her card. “What made Yona’s first kiss so awkward? A lifetime of sadness.”

That last card earned more of a small, nervous laugh than the others.

“That one’s a bit more sad than funny,” Sandbar noted.

“Well, whatever. I pick Ocellus’ penis breath for this round.” Gallus announced.

The Changeling immediately turned pink – though not literally – from blushing. “Can you please not say it that way?”

“No,” Gallus responded playfully, flicking the black card towards her.

Ocellus just grumbled and picked the card up with her magic.

“So, quick question,” Sandbar spoke up, looking around the room. “Has anycreature here actually had their first kiss?”

Each of the students all looked between themselves for a moment, and then all of them nodded their head from side to side.

“I haven’t, though not exactly from lack of trying,” Gallus spoke up. “It’s just kind of hard to kiss when you have a beak.”

“Yeah, I know,” Silverstream agreed. “I mean, I guess we could try and find out later,” she said, innocently.

Gallus blushed immediately. “Uhh… y-yeah, sure,” he stuttered.

Smolder just gave him a knowing look. “Smooth.”

Gallus just grumbled quietly himself in here direction, before turning to Yona. “Okay, Yona, you’re up next.”

“Yes, Yona Card Princess now,” she announced, drawing a black card. “Lifetime presents ‘Blank: The Story of Blank’.”

The other students all chose two cards, taking extra time to consider the order for them in which to be read. When they had all chosen, they handed them up to Yona, who began reading them out.

“Lifetime presents ‘The Sweet Forbidden Meat of the Monkey: The Story of Slaughtering a Peaceful Race of Aliens.”

That card got a small amount of laughs.

“Lifetime presents ‘A Day that will Live in Infamy: The Story of Grogar.”

That card got a little bit more laughter, as well as a bit of intrgue from the group.

“That kind of sounds like a documentary.” Sandbar commented.

“Who’s Grogar?” Silverstream wondered aloud.

“Grogar was a powerful necromancer from the land of Tambelon, who invaded Clousdale over a thousand years ago to learn the magic of weather manipulation, but he was defeated a sealed away by the great hero, Gusty the Great, and her unicorn warriors.”

Smolder stiffened a giggle. “Ladies and gentlemen, Encyclopedia Ocellus, over here,” she added, playfully.

Yona drew the next pair of cards and she started laughing immediately, letting the rest of them know that this would be a good one. “Lifetime presents ‘More: The Story of the Amount of Baby Carrots I can fit up my Ass.”

That card earned a huge roar of laughter from the group.

“The wording of that makes a disturbing amount of sense,” Gallus said in between his laughter.

Trying to stifle her laughter so that she could read out the next set of cards, Yona continued. “Lifetime presents ‘Quality Affordable Menswear: The Story of a Powerful CEO who wears three suits at once.”

“That also sounds like a documentary,” Sandbar said again.

“Maybe the CEO is one of Professor Rarity’s clients,” Gallus added.

“It would certainly be a big help for her business,” Ocellus joined.

“Last cards,” Yona began. “Lifetime presents ‘Teenage Pregnancy: The Story of Abort-Tron the Abortion Robot.”

“Wow,” Ocellus deadpanned in shock.

“Oh my Novo!” Silverstream gasped.

Smolder cocked an eyebrow at that in confusion. “Wait, ‘Oh my Novo’?”

“Yeah, you know, after Queen Novo, like how ponies say, ‘Sweet Celestia’.” Silverstream explained. She then suddenly brought a talon to her beak in thought. “Come to think of it, why do some species swear by their current rulers?”

“Ya got me,” Smolder shrugged her shoulders. “Dragons don’t go around saying ‘Oh my Ember’ or ‘Sweet Torch’.”

Silverstream’s face just blanked. “Huh. Weird.”

“Ahem.” Yona very loudly and intentionally cleared her throat, to get everyone to focus on her again. “Yona choose quality affordable menswear. It sound like real movie.”

“Yes, another point for me!” Gallus announced, taking the black card from Yona.

“Sidenote,” Smolder chimed in again. “I actually have a bet going that at least one student at this school will end up pregnant before they graduate.” That got her some strange looks from the other five. “What? Don’t look at me like that. It’s a common thing in dragon schools. You telling me there’s no teenage pregnancies where you’re from?”

“Do you have any particular ideas of who’s gonna get pregnant?” Silverstream asked her.

“Uhh… no,” Smolder sputtered out hastily. She then quickly drew a black card. “Introducing X-treme Buckball! It’s like buckball, but with blank!”

Noticing the dragoness’ rushed tone, but choosing to ignore it, the rest of the students chose their cards for this round and handed them up to her.

“Introducing X-treme Buckball! It’s like buckball, but with my ass!”

That card got a few chuckles.

“Introducing X-treme Buckball! It’s like buckball, but with a snapping turtle biting the tip of your penis!”

“Ouch!” Sandbar and Gallus both said at the same time, reflexedly covering up their junk.

Giving a slight smirk in their direction, Smolder read the next card. “Introducing X-treme Buckball! It’s like buckball, but with working so hard to have muscles and then having them!”

“So, just really hard buckball, then?” Ocellus asked.

“That Yak Buckball!”

“Introducing X-treme Buckball! It’s like buckball, but with ninjas!”

“Now that’s something I’d like to see,” Sandbar commented.

“But you wouldn’t actually be able to see them, because they’re ninjas,” Silverstream added, which got some more laughs.

“And finally, Introducing X-treme Buckball! It’s like buckball, but with Discord’s missing testicle!”

That card easily got the most laughs this round.

“Okay, now that sounds like X-treme Buckball.” Sandbar chimed in. “From the sounds of it, anything could happen.”

“Yeah, I’ll go with that one,” Smolder spoke.

“Yes, I win again!” Gallus announced triumphantly, standing up on his hind legs, so that he stood over the rest of the group as he spoke. “I hope you’re all enjoying your front row seats to the greatest comeback in history.”

Many of the students just rolled their eyes at that, though Silverstream couldn’t help but giggle at his cute, over-the-top antics.

“Okay, I’m Card Princess next,” Ocellus spoke up, levitating a black card over towards her. “What are my parents hiding from me?”

The other students began choosing their cards, though none of them seemed particularly excited about any of them. Noticing her friend’s reactions, Ocellus could tell that this would be a rather boring round, so after she collected all of the cards, she just decided to read them out rapid fire.

“What are my parents hiding from me? A balanced breakfast.

“What are my parents hiding from me? Nipple blades.

“What are my parents hiding from me? Free 2-day shipping with Derpy Prime.”

That card actually got a decent amount of laughter.

“What are my parents hiding from me? Shiny gadgets for sadness destruction.

“What are my parents hiding from me? Racially biased SAT questions.”

“Surprisingly, something that makes the parents look good for once in this game,” Sandbar noted.

“Yeah, but we’re not here for looking good,” Smolder responded.

“Still, this was a pretty boring round overall,” Gallus added.

“Yeah, you’re right,” Ocellus agreed, scratching at her neck a bit. “I’ll choose Free 2-day shipping with Derpy Prime. Who had that?” She asked, holding the card up in her magic.

“That’s me,” Sandbar responded, taking the black card.

“My turn again!” Silverstream happily announced, drawing a black card. “What’s the most problematic?”

The rest of the students quickly chose their cards and handed them up to Silverstream.

“What’s the most problematic? My son’s dipshit friends.”

“Aaaaaand the negligent parents return,” Sandbar announced, which earned even more laughter from the group.

Taking a moment to stifle her laughter, Silverstream continued. “What’s the most problematic? Being fat and stupid.”

“Probably,” Yona commented.

“What’s the most problematic? Getting trapped in a time loop.”

“Yeah, that does sound like it would be problematic,” Ocellus spoke up.

“You think anyone ever has gotten stuck in a time loop?” Gallus asked.

The other students merely shrugged their shoulders in response. Unbeknownst to them, downstairs, Starlight sneezed.

“What’s the most problematic? Fiery poops.”

There was another round of laughter from that card.

“I can speak from personal experience that fiery poops are indeed very problematic,” Smolder spoke up. “Sidenote again: if you are not from a species that can swim in lava without dying, then do not eat the Lava Foot Soup-and-Saltrice recipe.” She visibly shivered at the memory. “Trust me on that.”

Silverstream then drew the last card and when she did, she smiled instantly. “Well, forget all the other cards because this one wins. What’s the most problematic?” She then slammed the card down on the ground. “That bitch, Cozy Glow!”

“Yup.”

“Definitely.”

“Absolutely.”

“Oh, yeah.”

“Yona agree.”

All six of them then immediately burst out laughing.

“I’m guessing that that’s one of Starlight’s personal cards,” Sandbar spoke up, wiping a tear from his eye, from laughing so much.

“Okay, who had that one?” Silverstream asked, trying to calm down enough to speak properly.

Ocellus raised her hoof and Silverstream passed her the card.

“Well, that’s another round done. Should we take another break?” Sandbar asked, addressing the whole room.

“I’m okay to keep going,” Ocellus responded.

“And I can’t stop now,” Gallus added. “I’m right in the middle of my comeback.”

“Yeah, this is so much fun I don’t want to top,” Silverstream agreed.

“Yona say keep going!”

With an affirmative from the rest of the group, Smolder gave Sandbar a sly smirk. “Well, you heard everyone; read out the next card. Chop chop!”

Sandbar smiled, happy that everycreature was enjoying the game. “Well, alright then,” he said, drawing the next black card. He then threw a quick glance to Smolder. “Though, I think I know why you’re so eager to continue, Smolder.”

Smolder just arched her eyebrow at that. “And why is that?”

“Ocellus is now beating you by two.”

“What?!”

Author's Note:

Score:

Sandbar: 2
Gallus: 4
Yona: 2
Smolder: 3
Ocellus: 5
Silverstream: 2