Round 8
After a twenty minute break to visit the restroom, refill on their snacks, and draw another white card to put them all back up to ten, the six students reconvened in their dormitory to resume their game of Cards Against Equestria.
“Alright,” Sandbar began, as everyone sat back down in their circle. “Is everycreature ready to begin?”
Gallus silently flashed him a thumbs up in response, after shoving a clawful of potato chips in his beak, mirroring what Silverstream did a few turns prior. Across from him, the excitable hippogriff giggled a bit at the familiar notion. The other three students simply gave Sandbar affirmative head nods to show him that they were ready as well.
“Alright then, let’s begin,” Sandbar continued with a smile, drawing the first black card of the round. “I’m sorry, sir, but your insurance doesn’t cover injuries caused by blank.”
There was already some light laughter from the prompt alone, which gave the group high hopes that this would be a good one, and unlike the first card from the last round, there seemed to be plenty of excitement from each of the participating students as they selected their cards.
Once everycreature had chosen their card for this round, they passed them towards Sandbar, who quickly shuffled them before reading out the first one. “I’m sorry, sir, but your insurance doesn’t cover injuries caused by multiple stab wounds.”
The first got a few laughs from the group.
“That must be a pretty bad insurance policy if it doesn’t cover something as basic as that,” Smolder commented, as she took a bite of one of her snacking gems.
“Or it could just be a standard Equestrian insurance policy, since stabbings are practically non-existant here,” Sandbar replied.
“Funny, Griffonstone wouldn’t have that kind of insurance cover either, but for entirely different reasons,” Gallus interjected.
“No offense, Gallus, but after how you’ve described Griffonstone, I don’t think I’d ever want to go to there.” Sandbar was a little worried that he may have gone a bit too far with what he said, like he had earlier.
Gallus, however, simply shrugged his shoulders in response. “Hey, if that’s all you take away from this game, I’d call that a victory,” he said, not taking offense in the slightest.
Sandbar smiled good-naturedly. “Good to know then,” he said, drawing the next white card. “I’m sorry, sir, but your insurance doesn’t cover injuries caused by your weird brother.”
The second card got more laughter than the first, from everyone in the group.
“That’s certainly something I could have used growing up with my brother,” Smolder commented. “Well, that is until we kicked him out of the cave when he started molting,” she added.
“You said it, sister,” Silverstream agreed.
Moving on, Sandbar drew the next card. “I’m sorry, sir, but your insurance doesn’t cover injuries caused by a magician fucking up over and over again.”
“Trixie loses more assistants that way.”
Gallus’ comment got the most laughter yet, with some of the students falling on their sides laughing.
Sandbar had to wait and compose himself before he was able to speak again and read out the next card. “I’m sorry, sir, but your insurance doesn’t cover injuries caused by powerful suction.” That card got a few laughs, but nowhere near as much as the previous one, so Sandbar moved on quickly and drew the last card. “I’m sorry, sir, but your insurance doesn’t cover injuries caused by getting eaten out by a dog.”
This card got a few light chuckles, but on the whole, the group was starting to wind down now. Once they were done, Sandbar laid the five white cards out in front of him, to try and make a decision. “Hmmm, let’s see,” Sandbar began, tapping his hoof to his lip as he thought. “I’m torn between the ‘weird brother’ and the ‘magician’ card,” he said as he tried to decide between them. “I’ll go with the ‘magician card’.”
“Damn it! That other one was mine!” Smolder suddenly yelled out. Her overly competitive attitude got another round of laughter from the rest of the group.
“Okay, so who had the ‘magician’ card?” Sandbar asked, holding up the black card for this round. Ocellus raised her hoof in response and Sandbar passed her the card. The young pony then turned towards Gallus. “Okay, man, you’re up next.”
“You don’t have to say it, man; we’re all plenty familiar with the rules at this point,” Gallus responded as he drew the next black card. “Okay, this is another two card round,” he said as he glanced at the card before saying it out loud. “Step 1: Blank. Step 2: Blank. Step 3: Profit.”
The rest of the students got to selecting their cards, taking extra consideration to account for the order in which they would be played. Once everyone had chosen their cards, Gallus took them one at a time and laid the individual piles out in front of him. Once he had all five piles, he chose one at random and started reading them out. “Step 1: Loud scary thunder. Step 2: Sewing two hamsters together to make a double hamster supreme. Step 3: Profit.”
There was a moderate amount of laughter from the group.
“That sounds like a mad scientist’s get-rich-quick scheme,” Sandbar said as an aside.
Gallus then picked up another two cards at random. “Step 1: 10,000 shrieking teenage girls. Step 2: Believing women. Step 3: Profit.” This card set was pretty boring, so with an eyeroll to show it, he moved on quickly. “Step 1: Letting this loser eat me out. Step 2: Accusing a powerful man of sexual assault. Step 3: Profit.”
The laughter returned in ernest with this card, and Gallus found it particularly funny. “Certainly sounds like an easy way to make money if you have no morals,” he noted. He then drew the next two cards. “Step 1: Going an entire day without masturbating. Step 2: An arrangement wherein I give a person money and they have sex with me. Step 3: Profit.”
“Basically just a more direct version of the previous card,” Smolder commented. “Boring.”
“And finally,” Gallus began, drawing the last set of cards for this prompt. “Step 1: Forgetting everything you know about household cleaning products. Step 2: Many bats. Step 3: Profit.”
“So you employ bats as cleaning agents?” Ocellus wondered aloud. “That’s… certainly an interesting spin on things.”
After reading out all of the cards, like Sandbar did before him, Gallus lay them all out in front of him, face up this time, trying to decide on a winner. “Hmmm, it’s either gotta be the ‘mad scientist’ or the ‘sexual assault’ card,” he said as he looked over the five sets of cards, trying to make a decision, with the other five students anxiously awaiting his decision.
“I’ll go with sexual assault.”
“Torchdammit! It happened again!” Smolder suddenly exclaimed, facepalming in annoyance.
“Hey, you said the thing,” Silverstream said with a friendly laugh.
“Not now, Silverstream,” Smolder responded flatly after a defeated sigh.
Across from her, her hippogriff friend just casually shrugged her shoulders in response. “Anyway, that card was mine,” she said, speaking up again, now facing Gallus, blushing a little when she addressed him directly.
Turning towards her, Gallus blushed a bit himself as their talons almost touched when he handed her the black card as her point for the round.
“Yona up next!” The excitable yak suddenly yelled out, leaning forward and drawing a black card. “Blank. Betcha can’t have just one.”
After the sudden interuption, the rest of the students all got to selecting their cards.
“Okay, since the goal is to be horrible, I had better win with this card,” Smolder said, as she was the first one to hand in her card.
After being handed the rest of the cards, and a quick shuffle to randomise them, Yona drew the first card and read it out. “Illegal immigrants. Betcha can’t have just one.”
“Not in this economy,” Gallus interjected. “At least creatures sneaking into the country isn’t a problem in Griffonstone.”
“You done venting about Griffonstone?” Smolder wondered aloud.
“For now.”
After Gallus and Smolder were finished with their little back and forth, Yona drew the next white card. “Nipples the size of CD’s. Betcha can’t have just one.”
Laughter returned to the room once again.
“Well, if you have nipples that big, odds are good that it’s not going to be just one of them,” Ocellus mentioned.
“Boogers. Betcha can’t have just one.”
“And that’s how habits form,” Silverstream mentioned.
“Slaves. Betcha can’t have just one.”
This time the laughter was more uncomfortable.
“Wow, that horrible,” Yona added. She then drew the last card; however, she immediately paled, halting her momentum for the round. “…Little boy penises. Betcha can’t have just one.”
The entire room fell into an uncomfortable silence, with none of the students feeling like laughing at all.
“No, that’s horrible,” Ocellus corrected.
“Yona agree. Yona first thinking of choosing ‘slaves’, but instead choose this card.”
“Oh, this is just excessive!” Smolder suddenly exclaimed, throwing her cards on the ground in a fit. Smolder’s excessive competetiveness restored a bit of mirth to the group after uncomfortable silence of the last card, with a few light giggles from the rest of the students.
“Oh, by the way, that’s my card,” Silverstream suddenly spoke up, with an excitable smile on her face.
Turning towards her, Yona simply hoofed her the black card, also with a smile on her face, thanks to Smolder’s over-reacting erasing the awkwardness from the last card.
Across from her, Gallus had a dorky smile on his face, seeing Silverstream’s excited smile at winning the point. Turning towards Smolder, it then morphed into a cocky grin. “Well, look on the bright side, Smolder; for this card, at least you know you can’t win.”
“Eat me,” Smolder deadpanned as she drew the next black card, not even bothering to look up at him.
“No thanks,” Gallus responded immediatelly, in the same tone of voice.
The dragoness just grumbled before reading out the black card. “Blank is a slippery slope that leads to blank.”
The rest of the students all quickly drew another white card each, adding it to their hand, and then started selecting the next two that they would use for this prompt, and began passing them towards her two at a time.
After receiving every set of cards, Smolder began shuffling them around on the floor in front of her, with her enthusiasm for the game starting to return a little. She then picked up the first two cards. “Breastfeeding in public like a radiant Earth Goddess is a slippery slope that leads to hundreds of nipples.”
There wasn’t much laughter for those cards.
“Well, a breastfeeding Goddess probably would have hundreds of nipples,” Ocellus noted.
Smolder quickly picked up the next two cards. “A purse that costs 5,000 bits is a slippery slope that leads to preparing my asshole for sex.”
“That paints kind of a dark story if you think about it,” Gallus offered.
Next two cards. “Getting high with mom is a slippery slope that leads to being able to talk to elephants.”
“Accurate,” Sandbar noted.
Smolder picked up the next pair of cards and she couldn’t help cracking up when she read it initially, causing her to read it aloud with much more enthusiasm than the others. “Three dicks at the same time is a slippery slope that leads to having sex with a man and then eating his head.”
The rest of the students had the same reaction, with the whole room erupting in laughter.
“Well, it didn’t say which head she’d be eating,” Silverstream added.
That immediately caused a resurrgence in laughter.
Now re-energised, picking up the final two cards, Smolder again cracked a smile when she saw what the cards said before reading it aloud. “Drooling and mumbling into my pussy is a slippery slope that leads to yelling at my unborn son through my wife’s vagina.”
The students again broke out in laughter, with some of them falling on their sides laughing.
“Okay, that one was good, but I’m gonna have to go with ‘three dicks at the same time’,” Smolder spoke up, wiping a tear from her eye in laughter.
“That’s me,” Sandbar responded, holding his hoof out as Smolder passed him the black card as his point.
Smolder then lay back, with both of her claws against the floor behind her for support, letting out a contented breath. “Okay, I’m feeling better now; just needed a good laugh with some good friends and raunchy humor.”
Sandbar smiled. “It looks like this game can get you mad, but it can also help you feel better when you do get mad,” he noted.
“That’s good,” Ocellus spoke up. “Maybe we can included that in our final report for Starlight.”
“Sure thing,” Smolder replied, playfully elbowing the changeling next to her. “You’re up next, by the way.
Blushing a little from the contact, Ocellus then used her magic to draw the next black card. “Okay, this is another two cards prompt: I never truly understood blank until I encountered blank.”
After all drawing another two cards, now with renewed vigour, the rest of the group once again started selecting another two cards for the next prompt. Ocellus took each set of cards one at a time, setting each pile in front of her. Once she had all five piles, she picked one up at random and read them out.
“I never truly understood balls until I encountered my math teacher’s bulge.”
“Well, that’s pretty awkward, considering that our math teacher is Miss Rarity,” Smolder said with her trademark smirk.
“Moving on!” Ocellus quickly shouted out, drawing the next card, not wanting that particular mental image to have a chance to properly form in her head. “I never truly understood treating people as objects for self-gratification until I encountered lotion.”
“A.k.a: when puberty hits,” Gallus spoke up. His commentary caused more laughter for the card, giving it better context.
“I never truly understood announcing that I am about to come until I encountered a loser slut.” That card didn’t get much of a reaction, so she moved on quickly. “I never truly understood alcoholism until I encountered the inevitable heat death of the universe.”
“Dark,” Yona deadpanned.
As soon as Ocellus levitated the final card up to her view, she immediately had to bring her hoof to her mouth to stifle her giggling. She briefly felt a pang of regret before speaking up, but in the spirit of the game, and with how the others have been playing with her recently, she decided to run with it anyway. “Okay, I think the way that Smolder has been acting this round has made my decision for me,” she began, shooting a devilish smirk in the direction of her dragon friend, which looked out-of-place on the usually-shy-and-timid-looking changeling. “I never truly understood complaining until I encountered a dragon.”
The entire group, sans Smolder immediately burst out laughing, while Smolder’s steaming with rage from before returned in earnest. “Oh, you guys can just eat all the dicks!” She exclaimed.
“Not Gallus, he’s straight,” Silverstream spoke up in between laughs.
“Especially Gallus!”
The rest of them doubled-over in laughter, even Gallus, falling on to their fronts and backs in laughter.
Ocellus again tried to stifle her laughter so that she could speak properly. “Okay, who had that card?”
“Especially Gallus,” the griffon replied, who was currently on his back from laughter, raising his claw into the air to signal himself. Ocellus then simply floated the black card over, into his open claw.
The group then spent the next minute trying to calm down enough to continue with their game. Smolder, meanwhile, just sat with her arms crossed and a stoic expression on her face, one hundred and ten percent done.
“Yona think Smolder not having fun anymore,” the young yak noticed.
“Well, that’s Cards Against Equestria for you,” Sandbar replied. “Sometimes you win and sometimes you lose.”
“More like sometimes you laugh with your friends and sometimes you want to kill your friends,” Smolder deadpanned.
Sandbar just chuckled good-naturedly. “Yeah, that’s probably more accurate.” The rest of the group of friends agreed with him on that.
Another moment later, Smolder finally relented and cracked a smile again. “Alright, let’s just play the final card and end the round.”
“Now that’s more like it,” Silverstream spoke up, in an excitable tone, drawing the last black card of the round. “Why am I sticky?”
Smolder couldn’t help but giggle slightly at the prompt, getting back into the spirit of the game once again, and along with the rest of her friends, started selecting her card for this round. Once everycreature had made their selection, with plenty of enthusiasm and no awkward pauses, they passed their cards towards Silverstream, who quickly shuffled them and then drew the first one.
“Why am I sticky? Bees.”
“Probably has something to do with honey,” Sandbar guessed.
“Why am I sticky? Poppin’ that pussy.”
That earned a round of laughter from the group.
“Yeah, that would get you sticky,” Smolder commented.
“Why am I sticky? Exactly what you’d expect.” The laughter continued. “I like this one,” Silverstream noted.
“Leaving it to your imagination,” Ocellus followed.
“Why am I sticky? Staring into each other’s eyes and cumming at the same time.” That card was similar to a previous one, so she moved on quickly. “And finally, why am I sticky? Sexual peeing.”
There was some more light, good-natured laughter from the whole group, but on the whole, things were starting to wind down now.
“I think this was a good round to end on,” Sandbar commented.
“Yup, just good old fashioned, vulgar humor that you’re only comfortable laughing at with your closest friends,” Gallus summarised.
“Yeah,” Silverstream agreed, with a faint blush on her cheeks as she responded to him. “Okay, well I’ll go with ‘exactly what you’d expect’,” she said, holding the card up.
Gallus raised his claw in response, so Silverstream passed him the black card for his point, this time both of them having light blushes.
Ocellus couldn’t help but give a knowing smirk witnessing their exchange. “Out of curiosity, Silverstream, what would have been your second choice?” Ocellus asked.
Silverstream brought a talon to her beak in thought. “Hmmm, I don’t know. Maybe… ‘sexual peeing’?”
Suddenly, Smolder dropped her cards. “I’m done,” she spoke very calmly. She then quietly stood up simply walked out of the room. As she left, the rest of the students couldn’t help but find her stoic acceptance to be amusing.
“Okay, let’s take another short break and give Smolder a moment to cool down,” Sandbar said as he watched her leave the room.
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I almost feel bad for Smoulder. I don't, because her frustration is hilarious.
Same
9542118
Same. Looking back at it now, it was a big missed opportunity.
9652028
I know what you mean. it's really not a good day for her.
Let's go changebug! *clap* *clap* let's go changebug!
9652041
so
what's the update schedule on this one
But really... that wouldn't make you sticky, more just wet and bad smelling....
I almost feel bad for Smolder, but her rage and the group's reactions are just so hilarious.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NyhzxsN_1FE From 45:28 and onwards.
I was literally reading Cards Against Equestria Girls and Cards Against Starlight just this night.
That's bonkers.
That is just...devastating luck.
Maybe you could write a spin-off where the Young Six react to this:
poor dragoness.
most excellent.
I think I laughed harder at this particular passage than any other part of the chapter.
Ah, and now I'm really having flashbacks to some of my own sessions. Such a wonderful, and twisted, game.
"My God." Gallus said with a flat voice.
(someone had to).
I missed so many updates! T-T This round was so damn funny!
I adore the theme here.
I also give huge props to the amount of two-picks here! I know how that can be!
Maybe wanna make a small edit to separate the dialogue here. Kinda messed me up.
Were there 28 stab wounds?
9652271
Why do I feel like that's a cheer silver would cheer at ocellus at random lol
It's very true about alcohol and thinking of Heath Death.
Amazing
Both are sadly very effectiv
But only one way. That why equality don't work by social mind?
Example:
Teenage woman stalk male
Teenage male stalk woman
One is a anime trope
One is a media scandal
The best