This Will Go Well…
The summer sun was oppressively sweltering in Ponyville as the creek through the centre of the village which normally would have provided some sort of relief had been reduced to a trickle. At the same time, high humidity brought with it the familiar insects whose sounds of warning, warring, and mating provided an uncomfortable buzzing backdrop to the doldrums.
Sure, the foals were out of school, but who would want to spend their days in a century old wood building with no air conditioning when making the journey to get there felt not unlike walking through soup?
Every pony regardless of race moved at a snail’s pace down the primary streets of the city. Even the Pegasus ponies opted not to fly, for no breeze provided relief. Concerned about heatstroke for both herself and her constituents, Ponyville’s official but officially unelected leader, Mayor Meyer Mare, decided to cancel her speech in front of the old Town Hall. Granted, she also had another reason to avoid a public appearance.
A crow squawked as a massive gilded coach, one so unbelievably ornate and fancy that Princess Celestia herself would have been jealous had she not known its owner, slowly soared through the sky over Town Hall on the harnesses of six Royal Guards whose expressions told any onlookers that they would rather be doing literally anything else.
Eventually, carefully, the guards landed the coach in the grassy carrefour in front of Town Hall. About a minute later, one of the side doors opened and out stepped a stallion. He was orange and overweight with a blonde tail. His mane was the same colour but did not appear entirely natural – indeed it looked like the pelt of a road-killed silvery marmoset had been haphazardly placed on his head and was being held there by the sheer collective willpower of every individual in a ten-mile radius. Covering that monstrosity was a white cap with blue all-caps lettering reading “Make Equestria Magical Again”.
The stallion looked around central Ponyville as he frowned, narrowing his cold beady eyes, which nearly disappeared beneath his giant bushy eyebrows. Suddenly he whipped around to one of the guards and snipped, in a voice uncharacteristically high-pitched for a pony his size and with a thick accent, “Where’s the Welcome Party?? You’d think I’d get a welcome party for takin’ the time to come out to this shithole!”
“Uh!” the guard responded. Though he was larger even than the orange stallion and his bulk was all muscle, he still cowered in fear. “I don’t know, Orangeglow, Your Excellency. Shall we find the town leader and ask?”
“Nah,” said Orangeglow. “I got a better idea. You’re fired.”
“W-what?” the guard asked, absolutely dumbfounded.
“You heard me. You’re fired!!” Orangeglow barked. “How dare you talk to me! I’m so much above you you don’t even know! I got the best brains. I don’t need no uneducated guards telling me what to do. But I love the uneducated. Good ponies.”
The now-ex Royal Guard looked confusedly to his comrades for support but found none. Slipping off his regalia and armour, he slinked away down a side street.
Orangeglow peered down Ponyville’s main thoroughfare. On the left he saw the three-storey City Hall, where he was meant to go. But at the other end of the road he noticed a massive tree-shaped castle made of crystalline. His eyes widened at the site, allowing any unlucky onlookers to see his irises were of the palest blue.
“That place looks nice,” he told a different guard. “I mean, it probably looks awful inside and the outside needs some gold to make it pop, but I could do some great, stupendous things with a house like that. I wonder if the owner’s willing to sell. Eh, if he isn’t, I’ll just have my accountants find a way to take it from him.”
“Your Excellency,” said the guard, “I believe a Princess lives there.”
Orangeglow groaned. “Stupid Princesses. If it weren’t for those uppity cunts, I’d be ruling this whole stupid shitty world now! Orangeglow doesn’t play second banana to no one!”
The guard stared at the stallion in shock. “Your Excellency, you’re not seriously telling Princess Celestia’s sexte— uh, quintet of honour guards that you plan to overthrow her, are you?”
“I like Celestia. She’s a good mare and I hear used to be a nice piece of flank back in her day. A bit old now but, y’know, we can’t all be perfect like me. She and me have the best relationship. The best. As to her future? We’ll see,” Orangeglow said with a sneer.
He angrily trumped upon his undersized hooves down Stirrup Street to City Hall. One of the guards convinced him to not enter until he could be formally announced. Orangeglow gladly agreed, puffing out his chest at the thought of making a grand entrance, even if it was to a simple municipal building.
Inside City Hall, on the third storey, Raven Inkwell sat at her writing desk poring over memos and paperwork to see which ones absolutely had to be dealt with by Mayor Mare, who was, she believed, either taking a siesta due to the heat, passed out from a moonshine binge, or both. When the massive Royal Guard appeared in front of her, she peered at him above her glasses, noticing the insignia on his armour.
“We don’t normally receive visits from Princess Celestia’s Honour Guard,” she said, “especially without a letter of intent to visit. So you’ll have to accept our sincerest apologies that we have no welcoming committee in place for the Princess. Honestly, I’ve long since become used to her stopping by without any guards, as she enjoys the unique and probably illegal drinks produced by one of our local fillies.”
“Um… I’m… not here with Princess Celestia today,” the guard stuttered.
Raven looked at the clock on the wall. “It’s the wrong time of day for Princess Luna to be awake, and we both know she has her own Honour Guard. So who in Equestria could or would possibly be able to use you to…?” Her deep brown eyes, already appearing larger than normal thanks to her glasses, widened further as she realized. “Oh no.”
“Ma’am?” the guard asked as Raven’s stress level visibly ratcheted up.
“No. No, no. Nononononononono. Not him. NOT him! …It’s him, isn’t it?”
“If you mean our Prime Minister, Leader of the Equestrian Senate, His Excellency Lord Orangeglow of Bedstable (Manehattan), then yes,” the guard said. “He is both upset at the lack of welcome for him and interested in buying Friendship Castle.”
Raven let out a moan before finding her words again. “I’ll inform Meyer.”
The guard replied, “I appreciate that,” but Raven did not hear him.
Inside the corner office Mayor Meyer Mare called her second home – at least when it was not under construction due to yet another explosion – the mayor sat at her desk fast asleep, left cheek against its polished wood surface, snoring, drool pooling underneath her open mouth. Raven walked behind the desk and gently whispered to her boss.
“Meyer? Dear. You need to wake up now.”
The mayor continued to saw the proverbial logs.
“Please, Meyer. This is important. I need you to wake up for me, okay?”
Mayor Mare heard nothing and very likely saw nothing except the visions of dancing mushrooms in her head, which were normal by her standards. “Mm. It’s not January 20th yet. Lemme sleep,” she mumbled.
“I don’t know what ‘January 20th’ is, Meyer, but you need to be alert now,” Raven said, a little louder.
Ponyville’s mayor continued to be anything but.
Undeterred, Raven leaned over until her mouth was a mere two inches from the mayor’s ear and spoke at a normal volume. “Mayor. We have a DEFCON 2 situation. Wake. Up.”
At that, Mayor Mare suddenly jolted up in her chair, though it took her eyes several seconds to focus. She eventually noticed Raven standing across the desk from her.
“What’s going on?” the mayor asked, her voice still slightly loopy but clearly concerned. “Raven. Did you say DEFCON 2? Are you absolutely sure? You’re not joking with me?”
Raven cocked her head. “I never joke, Meyer. You know that.”
“Good point,” she agreed. “So what’s the emergency?”
“He is here,” Raven said with utmost gravity. “And he may head to Twilight’s after he’s through with us.”
That brought the mayor to full alertness and sobriety. “Ohhh no! You know the number one rule.”
“Orangeglow and Twilight must never, ever meet,” Raven recited dutifully.
“Exactly,” replied the Mayor. “I can handle that fat flank’s slings and arrows, but if Twilight loses her temper at him… which she would because he’d ensure it…”
“…Ponyville will be reduced to a smouldering crater,” Raven finished.
The Mayor nodded. “That said, I’m almost glad Orangeglow decided to drop by today. I need to talk what I guess he would call business.”
“Beg your pardon?”
“Spike!!” Mayor Mare called out, much to Raven’s surprise. To her even bigger surprise, the small purple dragon suddenly popped up out of a drawer in Raven’s desk.
“Ugh. What is it, Mayor?” Spike asked, clearly unhappy at being disturbed.
“How did Spike get in my desk and how did I not notice?” Raven asked.
Spike hopped out and walked into the Mayor’s office. “Sorry, Raven. I needed some place to crash after Twilight got mad at me for using up all her hot water for my seven hour bubble bath. My fault, I know. The office was locked, so I slept in your desk. Anyway, what’s the problem, Mayor?”
“The Prime Minister is here,” said Mayor Mare simply.
Spike lolled his head. “Uh, okay. Why should I care?”
“You don’t need to,” the mayor replied. “Just… stay here. Give me some backup. Keep him from going to Twilight’s at all costs.”
Spike nodded. “Fine. That shouldn’t be hard.”
“You’d be surprised,” Mayor Mare told him before turning to her trusted secretary. “Raven, you know what to do.”
She nodded. “I understand. Spike, would you please come with me?” she asked him. “Apple Bloom made a gift just for you but, uh, she was too bashful to give it to you, so I’ve been holding onto it for safekeeping.”
“Huh! Well that was nice of her,” Spike said as Raven gently led him down the hall to a storage closet.
Meanwhile, Mayor Mare steeled her guts as she approached the guard still standing at Raven’s desk and staring quizzically at the happenings around him. “I am ready to see the Prime Minister now,” she told him with an air of authority.
With that, the massive guard made his way down the two flights of stairs to fetch the stallion who was, for the time being, his boss. It turned out that he need not have ventured far, as within ten seconds the corpulent figure of Orangeglow himself appeared on the landing. The nameless guard stood nearby, a look of terror in his eyes.
“I… I apologize, Your Excellency,” he stuttered.
Orangeglow narrowed his eyes. Even though he was frowning, a glint in his cold beady eyes and a subtle liveliness in his voice gave away his joy. “You took too long. You’re fired. Get out of my sight. Now.”
The guard galloped down the stairs, out of City Hall, into the unknown.
After watching the guard leave, a smug satisfied smirk plastered on his face, Orangeglow turned to his right, and his eyes went wide in surprise once he locked eyes with Mayor Mare, expression immediately flipping to barely concealed rage.
“You!” he said.
Mayor Mare scoffed. “I’m honestly surprised you remember me, Your Excellency. After all, I’m just a small-town mayor not worth talking to. You said so yourself.”
“I never forget an enemy,” Orangeglow growled. “You made me fire my first senior advisor and now he’s talking to that witch-hunt tribunal who came up with that bullshit that I had the Crown Prince of Yakyakistan influence Senators to elect me. Fake news. Not worth the paper it’s printed on.”
“Your Excellency,” Mayor Mare said in a purposely even tone, “I honestly don’t care about any of your legal troubles.”
“Good,” snipped Orangeglow, a sweatdrop of relief (or was it hypertension) forming on his forehead.
“However, there is something I’m concerned about,” the mayor said.
Orangeglow pouted. “What is it now? Everybody’s always askin’ me for stuff, like I’m s’posed to care about ‘em or something.”
“Sir. I noticed a couple of weeks ago that construction workers from the Royal Engineering Corps were building something on a fallow piece of Sweet Apple Acres,” explained Meyer. “Representatives of the Apple Clan have raised concern that you neither asked permission to expropriate their land nor did you compensate them.”
Orangeglow shook his head. “Wrong.” he said. “I always pay my debts.”
“Okay, that’s demonstrably false,” retorted Mayor Mare. “Regardless, I’m more concerned that the structure your contractors have built is surrounded by a barbed wire fence and guard towers, whilst being populated with Gryphon hatchlings.”
“Fake news,” insisted Orangeglow. “Are you saying we take Beakhead babies from their moms and lock them in cages in the middle of nowhere?”
“Actually… yes. Yes, that’s exactly what I’m saying,” the mayor replied. “And do you really need to call them ‘beakheads’. That’s rather prejudiced. While we in Ponyville certainly have not had the best experiences with Gryphons over the years, we don’t resort to name-calling. Okay, certain individuals might – can’t really blame Rainbow Dash for that – but it certainly isn’t government policy.”
“Why not?” Orangeglow asked, genuinely curious. “I mean, they’re just a bunch of stupid criminals and rapists swamping the border, infesting Equestria and polluting the pony gene pool.”
Mayor Mare stared at Equestria’s Prime Minister, eyes wide, mouth open. “You… do understand ponies and Gryphons can’t interbreed, right?”
“Well then that just means they’re coming in to take jobs from good hardworking ponies, and then they take those jobs and pack them up in a box, a big box. Biggest box they can get, and ship the jobs back to their country! I talked with the President of Greffen-Land – great guy, smart guy – and I told him, I said, stop taking our jobs away or we’re gonna get mad. And he looked me square in the eye with that ugly beak of his and said okay. That’s why I’m ruler of Equestria!” Orangeglow declared, refusing to budge.
Mayor Mare’s head flopped to one side as her brain attempted to comprehend what she had just heard. She stood there in silence for at least a minute, jaw hanging open, as a neon manifestation of the words ‘Gish Gallop’ briefly floated across her field of vision as Prime Minister Orangeglow, 1st Lord Bedstable. Eventually she regained enough of her brain function to blink.
She blinked again.
“Raven! C-could you please come in here with our *ahem* perfectly legal gift, once it’s ready?” the mayor called out to a nearby closet.
From behind a closed door, the muffled voice of Raven Inkwell replied, “Just give me one more minute, Meyer!”
“I don’t know if I can take one more minute. I’d rather rip my heart out of my ribcage with my bare hooves and then throw it on the floor and stomp on it ‘til I die,” Meyer mumbled.
“What’d ya say?” asked Orangeglow, a piercing glare on his chubby face.
Mayor Mare caught herself and stuttered for a second, then adjusted her half-rim glasses. “Uh! I said, um, I think you’re the best Prime Minister Equestria’s ever had.”
“Damn straight I am! Nobody gots better brains than me!”
“Yeah. Uh, you just made a teeny little, um, boo-boo, there. See, Griffonstone, the place I think you’re talking about, doesn’t have a president – they’re a monarchy. Even if they did have a president, it wouldn’t be a male because most of the male Gryphons left the territory years ago to find jobs and never came back. A few did go to Equestria, but most went the opposite way, toward the Southeastern Wastes and Zebra Country,” the mayor said gently.
“Ugh. Zebras. Nasty, low-IQ creatures,” spat Orangeglow.
Mayor Mare shook her head. “Your Excellency, I don’t want to get into an argument with you, but we have a Zebra who lives nearby.”
“You should report it into my Royal Guards so we can arrest and deport it like the striped scum it is,” Orangeglow interrupted.
“(they’re not your Royal Guards) And this Zebra happens to be the most competent potion maker in the region. Ponyville would be irreparably harmed if the central government deported our Zebra. Princess Celestia knows and respects our resident striped friend.”
Orangeglow’s puffy face turned red at the mention of her name, although he visibly tried to pretend that was not the case by smiling and showing his unnaturally white teeth. Just before Mayor Mare could vomit, Raven appeared from nearby, pushing with her forehead and snout an extraordinarily drunken Spike. He wobbled as his feet slid along the wood floor, his eyes pointing in totally separate directions.
“I dun feel good,” he slurred. “Apfaboom rrrelly ovrdiddit wizzissh one.”
Recoiling in disgust, Orangeglow barked, “Ugh! What is that thing??”
“This,” said Raven as she pushed Spike up next to the mayor and then stood next to them so that all three were facing the prime minister, “is the personal assistant to the Princess of Friendship. He also happens to be her liaison with the local government as well as our line to Princess Celestia herself.”
Orangeglow’s left eye involuntarily twitched. “Uh-huh. Great. It’s a dragon. An ugly stupid useless dragon. You know I pledged to keep dragons out of Equestria. And I’m gonna do it. We’re gonna build a wall. Across the whole border. It’s gonna be a big, beautiful wall. And the dragons are gonna pay for it! Keep ‘em out forever!”
Finally, Mayor Mare snapped, “DRAGONS CAN FUCKING FL—!!” but Raven interrupted her with a hoof to her snout.
“Shh,” she said, the mayor suddenly going quiet. “That’s my girl.”
“Are you two fags?” Orangeglow asked. “Nasty deviants. Maybe I should put your type in my beautiful camps too. Plus all the fake news ponies that tell all the lies about me,” he mused aloud.
“Meyer here is just, shall we say, unlucky in love,” replied Raven bluntly. “I’m sure you can understand.”
“Uh, no. I can’t,” said Orangeglow. “But I bet you could. With those nerd glasses and ugly mane-bun, you’re maybe a 4 at best. I’d never touch you.”
“Thank Celestia for that,” Raven quipped.
“I don’t gotta thank her for nothing!” Orangeglow snapped as he stamped his small hoof on the floor and glared at the three individuals before him, his beady eyes full of naught but malice.
“Anyway,” said Raven in a practiced even tone, “Our little dragon here would like to speak to you. We’ll lift him up to your level so you need not hurt your neck, okay?”
Orangeglow said nothing, merely frowning as Raven and Meyer each placed a forehoof under one of Spike’s arms and lifted him off the ground until his mouth was level with the prime minister’s eyes.
“That’s too high,” Orangeglow groused. “Why should I have to look up to anyone? Hell, pretty soon even those two stupid princesses that think they’re in charge are gonna have to look up to me if they know what’s good for ‘em.”
“Uh-huh,” said Raven, completely dismissive. “So, Spike. What was the message you wanted to convey to the prime minister?” she asked.
Spike slowly lolled his head. “I really don’t feel g—” he started to say before his mouth clamped shut and his cheeks suddenly puffed out like a chipmunk gathering nuts for winter.
Orangeglow glared at Spike, confused.
Two seconds later, Spike released a massive belch complete with a plume of green fire which quickly engulfed the top of Orangeglow’s head. Once the flame had passed and dissipated, the prime minister’s hat and roadkill-mane were gone, revealing his shiny bald ochre pate. It took several seconds for him to notice, at which point he brought his right forehoof up to his bare scalp to search for what no longer existed. His eyes widened and jaw dropped as his face contorted into a shifting maelstrom of shock, sadness, fear, and anger.
It took him a few more seconds to realize that the genuine parts of his mane, as well as his tail, were also on fire. Once he did, he let out a high-pitched scream as he leapt into the air and turned around, bumping into the wall nearest Raven before galloping at top speed down the stairwell and out the building, cursing the entire time. Raven and Meyer stared at the wall with which Orangeglow had made contact as it quickly turned black before the fire appeared with a vengeance.
As the flames slowly spread up the walls and the area began to fill with smoke, Raven and Meyer looked at each other, utterly calm.
“We should probably get out of here,” said Raven, nonchalant.
Mayor Mare nodded. “Mm-hmm. Could you get Spike? You’re stronger than I am.”
“Of course,” Raven agreed as the fire reached the ceiling and sparks began to rain down around them.
Slowly, the two mares – Raven carrying Spike on her back – made their way out of City Hall as bedlam ensued around them. When they exited the front door, they found themselves confronted by a yellow filly with a red mane, orange eyes, and a comically large pink hairbow. She spoke with a distinct rural accent that had long since gone extinct in most of Equestria, yet lived on through her family.
“Hey,” said the filly, her tone friendly but with an undercurrent of concern.
“Apple Bloom,” the mayor and Raven replied in unison.
Apple Bloom looked up to see black smoke billowing from City Hall’s roof as the alarm bell sounded at the fire station a block away.
“Uh, y’all know City Hall’s on fire… again?” Apple Bloom asked.
Mayor Mare and Raven both nodded.
“Does it have anything to do with the fat old stallion ‘et ran by here a li’l bit ago, also on fire?”
Again the two older mares nodded.
“I see Spike’s passed out there on yer back, Miz Raven. Would I be right in guessin’ he had something to do with all this?”
More nods.
Then Apple Bloom’s eyes went wide. When she spoke again, her voice carried more than a twinge of panic. “D-did I have anything to do with this??”
Raven pursed her lips for a second before answering. “Not… directly.”
Mayor Mare placed her forehoof on Apple Bloom’s shoulder. “Sorry, Apple Bloom,” she said. “We had a DEFCON 2 situation and no other good options. If we’re lucky, the prime minister will burn. If we’re not, he’ll survive and try to hunt us all down.”
“That guy was the prime minister?!” Apple Bloom near-shouted.
Raven and the mayor nodded again. Spike burped softly in his sleep, sending a tiny inconsequential plume of flame into the air which immediately fizzled, though it also produced a scroll from Princess Celestia. Raven unfurled it and cleared her throat.
“It says, ‘Do I even want to know why my prime minister’s mane-weave and ugly hat just appeared at the foot of my throne? While I find this more amusing than I care to admit, outside the grounds of this palace I cannot guarantee the safety of whoever made the decision to drug Spike. PS: Tell Apple bloom to increase the proportion of Zap Apples in her wort for my next visit. I can still smell the barley.’,” she finished.
Apple Bloom pressed her hoof against her forehead for a solid minute before finding words to speak.
“Flee to the Crystal Empire time again?” she asked, resignedly, as the fire brigade rushed around them and burning portions of City Hall crumbled to earth.
The mares nodded.
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Amusing. Also I’m morbidly curious to find out how many downvotes this will get from Trump supporters.
9046457
voted for Trump, but I have a sense of humor and laughed
9046468
Then you have my respect. If you look at the previous story on Orangeglow you would see you might be in something of a minority.
9046457
ALL OF THEM!! (except one, it seems)
I really don't feel like writing an Author's Notes blog for this story. It's pretty self-explanatory. All I'll add is that I wrote it in one go on the 4th of July but decided not to post it then as I thought that would have been bad taste even by my standards.
PS -- Never once have I said in a story or description that Orangeglow is meant to be Donald Trump. As far as I'm concerned, OG is just a braggart squib Unicorn business mogul from Manehattan who got the Equestrian Senate to elect him prime minister. No more or less. Any similarities to real persons living or dead is probably entirely coincidental.
9046468
I appreciate you giving my story a chance. While Orangeglow is certainly an antagonist, I did try to give this story more genuine humour than the last two I wrote about him. I'm legit scared of what would happen if he and Twilight were to ever meet.
Celestia: Prime Minister Orangeglow, for your actions against the wellbeing of Equestria, as well as your treasonous words against the crown, you are hereby stripped of your office, wealth, and property and immediately exiled from Equestria for the rest of your life. Oh, and the Griffons, Dragons, and Zebras have all declared that you are barred from their lands as well. GUARDS! Remove this pitiful excuse for a pony from my lands at once!
Ay tú!
I chuckled. I must say that I think you actually captured Trump's syntax quite well. The comedy is also fairly entertaining.
9046457
I find the fact that you expect such backlash to be awfully presumptuous, and rude on your part, sir.
I'm sorry, but I couldn't bring myself to like this. Not because I support our President (god no) but because this just wasn't funny. Orangeglow is TOO horrible even for a thinly-veiled parody, and the story was a reminder of what an awful place your Equestria must be given the utter unlikable bitch you've turned Twilight into and how Celestia is an either incompetent or uncaring person to allow someone this awful to become Prime Minister in the first place. I'm sorry, but that's just how I feel.
Well at least one of you can do more than cry in a safe space or on Twitter.
9046771
Duly noted.
9047073
Suck it up, snowflake.
I've been writing Orangeglow stories since 2016 and I won't stop so long as ideas keep coming.
9046941
Well, I apologize you didn't find my story funny. I'll try to improve in the future.
I get it. You don't like how I portray Twilight. You know I specifically had YOU in mind when I mentioned her in this story? I went out of my way to make sure that her being upset at Spike was entirely justified, and made it very clear that Twilight would only explode because OG would provoke her. In short, this time, you're reading things into my work that aren't there.
9047189
You said repeatedly that everyone was afraid Twilight would destroy Ponyville out of anger if she met Orangeglow. Hard not to read into that.
another nice and poignant piece from our resident warm-coloured-pony writer (seriously, Meyer, Sunset, Applebloom, Orangeglow? Nice palette you got going there!)
Not my favourite of your stories, to be fair, but it got a good few chuckles out and I think it did exactly what it set out to do. Congratulations. Don't let the downvote brigade get ya down. Here's to more of the good ol' OG, and however he decides to hide the little mishap the "present" had in store for his mane.
Also I love the cover art.
9048263
Never thought about it that way, but you have a point.
However, pretty much the only main characters I haven't written a POV story for at this point are Rainbow Dash and AJ, and that's because Dashie's the character I identify with the least, while AJ is a master straight-man who usually works best when reacting to others. I have a half-completed story with her and Rarity where I literally lol'd writing AJ's entrance.
That's fine. Lots of people don't like my Mayor Mare stories, even when I don't include my parody of a certain non-politician. You know readers see me as "The Guy Who Writes Depressed Sunset Shimmer". Sunnybuns is my muse, but it can be draining to write for her, so I need to take a break every once in awhile and just do something silly. As long as I'm posting on this site, I will continue to post Mayor Mare stories on January 20th at minimum, because her world is a blast to write.
Sometimes, I wish the Trump liberals see on the news actually existed. As fucked up as the idea might be, the unhinged can't lie, riot, block roads, or attack people if they're locked away in camps. Still, I'm glad that their Drumpf doesn't exist, and I'm glad the real Trump is an honest, intelligent man who believes in freedom, justice, and other things loony leftists despise.
As far as the fic goes, 0/10, but I'm not going to dislike. I want to know why you made this.
9047189
You misunderstand. Keep writing them. I would much rather hear things like this than read about another person crying in a safe space. You're at least acting on your ideas and putting them out into a public forum. As for the story....eh.
9051057
You make me want to create a story called, "[x pony] Cries In A Safe Space". Not sure who yet. See, interaction with readers can lead to stories by me for better and for worse.
As a former cartoonist, I'm an equal opportunity skewerer -- Celestia had issues with parody-Obama when he was prime minister too. I will get into that the next time she and the mayor meet.
9048972
I admit I wish to know if you post on stories like these because you want to get a rise out of people. I recall your rather long back and forth in the comments of the Starlight dumpster fire piece.
9063634
Not sure what you mean, Starlight Glimmer is the dumpster fire. I'm not "some evil troll who's just saying this to make people mad", I genuinely like Donald Trump and think he's a great president. I also genuinely dislike Starlight Glimmer, because she's a spotlight-stealing Mary Sue with the worst redemption arc ever written. Yes, even Kevin 11's redemption was written better than this.
I want to engage people who love Glimmer in honest discussion to find out how they could like such an awful pony. So far, the only reason I've heard besides "I dunno i just do lol stop caring unironically lmao XD" is "I like the idea of her and I wish she was written better". The latter makes sense.
9063646
The debate in the dumpster fire piece had nothing to do with glimmer as it dealt with a joke about midway through the intro where it said she animated a series of toilet clogs that Twilight then disposed of through a portal which angered Sunset as it went on to win an election. Story is by Justice3442 if I recall. Either way there are a large number of posts where you and a self described troll went at each other at length over political views over Trump and Hillary.
9063686
Wait, are you saying a troll agreed with me on something, or that a troll was involved in the debate? Because either way, that doesn't reflect anything on me. One time, I debated a Communist, and some Monarchist also got pissed off at the Communist for lying so much. That doesn't make me a Monarchist.
9064202
Hilariously enough, I am somewhat of a monarchist despite (or perhaps because) I'm 'Murikan and, thanks to my fields of study, have seen the shortcomings of the republican system as it exists in most countries in the Western Hemisphere plus a few in Europe. I have absolutely no desire to debate you or anyone else, however. I'm just a writer trying to create stories that make you feel emotions, whether that be mirth, sadness, frustration, etc.
That said, if y'all want to have it out, please do so via PM and not clog up my comment section. Thanks.
9064202
Debate may have been an overly nice way of putting it. Your opening post in the thread was:
“Hey, kids. I see you're having fun playing the "Who can be a smugger twat in front of the other" game. Would you like me to come in here and ruin the game and mass-media-induced trumpphobia by posting facts?”
With that plus various lines mentioning loony leftists and mocking the troll’s debate skills, it comes across as picking a fight for the sake of it as opposed to attempting to get a point across.
9064522
Huh. But if you don't treat the far-left super-insane lunatics like they're exactly that, they'll think they're being reasonable when they demand you accept a compromise between real objective truth and the lies they believe, what each one calls "My Twuth".
I can reason with someone who incorrectly thinks Gun Control works. I don't think I can reason with someone who believes the "The NRA are terrorists who lobby the government to make more school shootings happen!" lie.
9066837
In both cases I’ve seen you in people mostly just argue that Trump is petty and racist. I can understand not bothering to actually argue with conspiracy theorists, but people have been calling Trump petty and racist since the days of Opus.
9066969
People have been calling everyone petty and racist since the words were invented.
9067023
Most people threaten to sue someone who states a correct fact about their financial history or build an expensive and ultimately pointless wall along our southern border.
9067217
Are you talking about the whole "GIB US DRUMPFS TAX RETURNS" thing? Don't worry, when you're old enough to understand how tax returns work, you'll understand that using tax returns to pay less tax as a reward for doing charity shit is a good thing. You'll understand that he isn't "EXPLOITING LE SYSTEMM!", you'll understand that he's benefiting from a system designed to encourage charity stuff. You'll also understand that even with what Trump paid, he still paid more in taxes than Bernie Sanders.
As for the second thing... Don't worry, when you're old enough to understand how walls and borders work and why borders are integral to the foundation of a nation, you'll understand why people who understand this stuff take borders so seriously. Let me guess, you saw some shitty CNN/Collegehumor video on this and you just took it at face value, right?
Fucktons of criminals (typically gang members and rapists) who would be turned away at border checkpoints, even with the fact that America's standards for immigrants are so much lower than any other country's standards, sneak across assorted deserts and through unstable underground tunnels every year. And they know they'd be turned away at the border, which is why they illegally hop across it, leapfrogging in front of legal immigrants who earned the right to come here. Crossing deserts and crawling through tunnels and dealing with mexican criminals who hang around in the area to rob/rape passing migrants, it's dangerous to the health of these criminal border-hoppers, and the kids they drag along with them. Which aren't even their own kids 45% of the time.
If you don't want to be separated from your kids, don't bring your kids along with you when you commit a crime.
Mexico is a shithole, and it became a shithole because the disarmed populace and cucked police are unable to fight back against the low-level criminal gangs of rapists and murderers. Forget fighting the drug cartels, they practically run the corrupted government over there. Mexico is an embarassment to the world.
People all over the world want to flee the shithole countries they helped ruin and move to America to enjoy the lavish benefits it hands out to immigrants, even if countries that also accept "Refugees" but don't give out benefits are closer. But immigration doesn't solve the root cause of the issue. It doesn't help all the people in shithole countries, just the lazy and selfish ones who feel like leaving their country to rot and becoming a burden on another country.
Immigration doesn't work. Unchecked immigration, with no background checks, and legalized illegal immigrant voting, that also doesn't work. Well, it doesn't work for any good purposes, but liberals want illegal immigrants to enter america and illegally vote them back into power. Because the DNC higher-ups get to live in mansions and gated communities far away from areas turned into shitholes by illegal immigration. Liberals want and assist and encourage Mexico and the Middle East to interfere with American elections, and they're crying about imaginary Russian meddling to distract you from that.
The Great Wall of America is necessary, and if Mexico doesn't want to pay for it, it should pay for all the legal and illegal Mexican immigrants who fled to America when their country turned into a lawless shithole.
I'd apologize for my harsh tone here, but in the Age of Information, ignorance is a choice.
9067947
Aren't the majority of Americans historically immigrants or the descendants of immigrants? If it weren't for immigration, our country wouldn't even exist. It's not as if the majority of our ancestors were the people who lived here first, after all. Does that mean you're calling all our ancestors lazy and cowards for leaving their 'shitty countries' to establish a home in the New World?
9084736
</sarc>
You are correct. But, don't try to reason with it. Its worldview is formed by its master and him alone. Obviously our ancestors were totally different from those people coming now.
Ever since mass immigration to the USA became a thing shortly before the Civil War, we've had a schizophrenic streak about it. The current rhetoric is nothing compared to what we said about the Irish, and we legally banned any more Chinese from coming for several decades due to paranoia. Out of penance for turning away tens of thousands of Jewish refugees before WWII (back to Europe where they died in the Holocaust), we passed the Asylum Act -- which our current government is violating, let the record show -- to keep that from happening again.
You can fix the government by voting to replace it, but you can't fix stupid.
9085150
Sadly true.
Speaking of stupid government, why was Orangeglow even in Ponyville in the first place?
9084736
If you're the guy who made that Pokemon fanfic called Brave New World, you rock! Please make a new chapter soon. It's brilliant and I love how every chapter tries to top the last.
Also, about the importance of immigrants to America, you're right. But missing one important thing.
Immigrants founded America. And over time, they started being Americans. A cohesive American culture created itself out of all the different similar yet different cultures clashing. People travelled from across the land, far and wide, to pursue the American dream. And then, it still allowed immigrants to enter, and it was okay with that. Because the immigrants were willing to assimilate into American culture and act American, or at least, American enough. And when a grumpy old loser here or there didn't feel like acting American and leaving behind his country's old rivalries and grudges, that was fine, because it was never that big a deal.
Then, everything changed when the Fire Nation attacked. I'm just putting this here to provide some humor, because some serious stuff's coming.
The muslim rapefugees being imported from the middle east and into the western world en masse have no interest in embracing our culture or following our ways of life or respecting our western values like "Rape is bad" and "Beating your wife is bad" and "Slavery is bad, that's why we were the first race to say no to slavery" and "Freedom of religion is good" and "It's okay to be Atheist". You've seen them march down the streets with signs that say stuff like "We will kill you all" and "Freedom can go to hell, we want Just Islam", right? You've seen the messes the islamic invasion of unskilled illiterate violent barbarians has made in european countries, right? You've seen what they do to gay people in islamic countries, right? The radical ones throw gay people off rooftops, the moderate ones stand in the streets and cheer, and then tell the cops the gay person jumped and it'd be Islamophobic to say otherwise. Their cultures are not compatible with western culture. The western world allows women to walk down the street wearing pretty much whatever they want, but the islamic world says women must cover themselves or have acid splashed in their face. The western world says beating your wife is wrong and men who beat women are worse than scum, but the islamic world says the quaran says you can beat your wife so it's A-OK. The western world says killing your own daughter for getting raped is wrong, but the islamic world says doing that makes you a "cool" "badass" who has "reclaimed your family honour". They don't want to go to the western world to partake in its success, they want to go to the western world to live parasitically off it while committing criminal acts and enforcing their own "Old-fashioned" culture wherever they are allowed to.
If it's alright to call Christianity a bit silly over how the bible has a bit where the prose says "And there she lusted after horse penis", and if it's alright to call Mormonism a bit strange for having instructions on how to Doomsday Prep effectively, then it's alright to call Islam an evil religion for having clear instructions on how to lie, kill, play the victim, deflect criticism, shame critics, and slowly take over an area from the inside while carrying out acts of terror or covering the asses of those who do until you can finally bring about Sharia Law and start taxing non-muslims.
But moving on from that and focusing on America...
Basically, there are two kinds of Mexicans who want to start a new life in America. Immigrants, who want to pursue economic opportunities in America, because it has a better economy than Mexico and a comparatively freer market. They're good, hard-working and honest people who want a better life their old country could never give them. And Gimmiegrants, who want to illegally hop over the border, live here as illegal immigrants, get free benefits for life, and get pandered to by liberal politicians who are trying to make illegal immigrant criminals their new voter base, now that "Too many" black people are waking up and choosing to #walkaway from the race-baiting party of anti-white racism for their liking. They're just here for the easy life.
You know those people who yell "No human being is illegal! ICE agents must die! They're racist sexist bigots and Drumpf is Literally Hitler!" loudly? Yeah, they're as dumb now as they were when they said Pokemon is sexist and transphobic and should be banned because the game asks whether you're a boy or girl at the start and doesn't have an Other option. There far are harsher penalties for Americans sneaking across the border and getting caught trying to vote in Mexican elections than there are for Mexicans who sneak across the border and get caught trying to vote in American elections. If you get caught sneaking across the border and you brought your kids with you, you'll still be arrested, and if you don't want to be separated from your kids, you shouldn't take them with you when you commit crimes. Those tents near the mexican borders aren't "Literal anti-mexican gas chambers" or "Literal internment camps", they're orphanage-like camps set up to house the kids while they try and find a family member back in Mexico to take the kids back. Yes, the problems bad enough to necessitate these camps, and those camps are nicer places than most American orphanages. Fun trivia, a surprisingly high number of the border-hopper kids don't even belong to the border hoppers! It is INCREDIBLY easy to lie your way through the American-Mexican border and get into America, the only ones who don't do that are the ones who know they'd be turned away at the border for being violent criminals, rapists, cartel members, and so on. And the ones who could make it through the border but instead want to leapfrog over the other legal immigrants and get benefits before the legal immigrants, making them wait longer for their shit to be processed.
And as a bonus, the illegal immigrants who need/want MORE money than what the government just gives them for being here... They can't get honest jobs. They don't have social security numbers. So they have to get secret under-the-table jobs that pay less and are typically less safe. They are exploited by corrupt big business owners who know it's cheaper to employ fifty illegals who CAN'T complain at half pay each than it is to employ fifty legals who could sue you if something broke and injured them. This means jobs that should go to honest hard-working American citizens get taken up by cheaper-to-pay illegal immigrants instead. Some business owners even threaten to report any illegal immigrants who refuse to work unpaid overtime. They just do that, because they know these criminals don't want to draw attention to themselves if they aren't in an area where they can get away with loudly yelling "I'm an Illegal Immigrant and I'm proud, fuck America!".
Illegal immigration is harming America. Illegal immigrants, and their kids, are being treated better than American citizens and legal immigrants who want to become american citizens. Trump's new "Arrest the criminals sneaking across our border even if they have kids and send the kids back, also check if the kids are actually theirs" protocol only seems strange because for years, the protocol was "If they have kids, let them in. If they say they're fleeing gangs, let them in. And if you catch them crossing the border, send them back without arresting them, so they can try and cross the border illegally again later that week".
Here's an infographic that explains the issue so simply, even the dishonest guy trying to get you to dismiss me and what I have to say just for believing things the liberal talk shows he watches said not to believe... could understand it if he clicked it. I'd open the image in a new tab and make it easier to read, this site shrinks it if it's posted regularly.
https://i.imgur.com/SXYhpjj.png
i.imgur.com/SXYhpjj.png
Gonna say something but as I find both the story hilarious but also very much sad. I've worked for and met the man you based the Prime Minister on. And while odd he is a loyal son of a bitch to his employees. He would never fire someone because they were slow at a job or if they talked to him.
9067217
Some people just can't let other people enjoy nice things, like this story for example. *facepalms and sighs*
9547964
There is a reason it is advised never to discuss politics or religion when meeting your significant others family. These days it seems politics have become by far the more toxic of the two for most people.
9547985
Am I the only one here who loves how comments on FiMFiction on mobile are layered so satisfyingly?
9554872
Couldn’t say. I do my reading on a tablet personally.
I see what you did there
I'm worried Meyer and Raven are losing some genre savviness. They should have been worried that if Twilight met Orangeglow in person she'd immediately fall blissfully and blindly in love.
Meh. Last Equestrian election I voted for the Drunk Sex Party. (See Sporktacle's works.)
Ohhhhhhh he is pony Donald trump.
Wait, so that picture isn't from the comics?
It's M level of bigotry, because such people cause me want to bang my head until it passes out.
9091497
Orangeglow is a little more a Victorian era "noble"(or early 1910 american functioneer with penchant of imitating nobles) than a modern person.