Drako Moon
Joined 29th Feb, 2012 ·
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There's nothing inherently wrong with this story idea, but you might get downvotes from the writing style and formatting.
Take a look at an example:
“Right away ma’am.” He said trotting back out quickly
That should be written as:
“Right away, ma’am,” he said, trotting back out quickly.
The problems in grammar coupled with the extremely dry, descriptive language (it's always "He did X. She was Y. He was Z.") make for darned frustrating reading. Not trying to be mean, just trying to be honest. Have you thought about going to editing and proofreading groups?
993086
Do you comment on EVERYTHING, or what?
993104
I'm Swiper, yo.
I AM EVERYWHERE.
sadpanda.us/images/967320-LFTFQFT.jpg
*sneaks away*
Nice fanfiction beginig so fa. Can't wait to read more.
993128
cdn.videosift.com/teevirus.com/designs/2010/04/18/i/I_Came_Here_to_Chew_Bubblegum_and_Kick_Ass_version_2.png
:P
OMG. I READ ALL OF THEIR VOICES LIKE ROBOTS. COMMAS, MAN, COMMAS!
"You most of all Diamond Tiara will be stuck on your daddy’s dime until he can’t take care of you anymore and then you’ll end up on the street and then you’ll wish you had wanted to learn in class."
That was a tad much, especially for Twilight. Honestly, I was kind of rooting for Diamond at this point.
"I can but please try to not let it happen again I don’t think the Princess would like to hear one of her best business owners was acting like a stupid colt" didn't help much either.
993489
This comment made me spit-take my water. Thank you, sir, I needed that.
993670 All in a days work my friend, all in a days work.
993689
Yes
993489 I read it like they were in Half Life Full Life Consequences...
A fun read, the only critique I will add to what's been said is that some of the dialogue didn't feel strong enough. Like here;
"That was kind of a letdown Silver Spoon why did you mess up my plan?"
She was just (in her eyes) betrayed by her only friend in the world, I think she'd be more than a little "let down". Anyways, good job! I look forward to more.
994258 still havent played that one..
994272 >haven't played a fanfic
994324 HA! thought it was one of valves games. nevermind... spare a link?
I have to ask though... if Silver Spoons' going to a School of Arts then maybe she'll meet some of the CMC there, you know given their own cutie marks of artistic talents...right ?
Maybe a chance of true redemption in this one....
Anyway this is some storyline starter and it was interesting to see how Diamond can be that cruel.
Twilight was right to advise Silver Spoons when she did.
Please do keep up the good work upon such a great story.
Needs some commas, but I like it
993086
I get the Story Edited and re-read a couple of times there will be times where things are missed i can't make everyone happy
993640
I agree it was a bit much for twilight but it is just where i went with it. Honestly I did this for a reason with Diamond for something later on in the story
994561
I'll make sure to talk with my Editor about that becuase when i read though it again and when i wasn't tired (like i was right before i posted it) i saw what you saw and if i have time i'll have him fix it for me glad you liked it though.
You've got some very serious grammatical and tense issues. Look at this sentence:
The two of the giggled more then stopped as their teacher walked in. Now that they were in High School they didn’t have Miss Cheerilee anymore but a new teacher, and she is out sick for a few weeks. Grammar nitpicks aside (and there are many for this sentence alone), you switch from past tense to present.
This story has potential, but I kept getting jarred out of it by line after line of errors--and when your readers notice the construction of a story rather than content, that's a very bad sign. Word of advice: find someone to edit for you.
1/5 stars.
994873
I do have someone to edit for me i have two but i agree i did notice the problems now like i have said to just about anyone who leaves a comment like this for me. If you know someone who can do a good or great job PLEASE let me know so i can talk with them. I myself have Dyslexia and I WILL miss stuff when i proof read. I can't fix the problems without help and i can't get help if people just say "There is a problem here and there" but they never tell me who i can talk with to fix it.
994897
FimFiction has a group of people willing to proofread and edit--if memory serves, it's called "People Willing to Proofread and Edit." Seriously, look them up and explain to them what you explained to me. Dyslexia makes it extremely difficult to churn out any kind of writing, and I applaud your efforts thus far.
Also, if you don't use gdocs yet I recommend setting up an account for your early drafts; gdocs has a comment systems which allows readers to leave a comment on the exact line or word that they want to point out, and it's an invaluable editing tool.
Best of luck,
Comma-Kazie
994918
I'll see if i can find them because i agree with you I know i am good when it comes to a story line but lack what it takes to edit my stories properly.
994946
Again, best of luck to you.
EDIT: I think this is the group here: http://www.fimfiction.net/index.php?view=group&group=801
994333 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OHxyZaZlaOs
I agree with the others. Good idea, not too good writing.
You still get my like for this nonetheless.
995169
I just got done bitching out my editor for this and i'm fixing the story now. Honestly i have never had this many people complain before and this is the first time i have had this person edit for me. I'm sorry about the Commas and I WILL fix it.
995182
I know i need commas Please stop repeating what every one is saying. but thanks i'm glad you liked the story
Okay, please tell me
WHERE IS THIS PICTURE FROM?
Need for my collection.
995625
It's fine i just been getting a lot today and i am not used to it.
Ouch. How cruel it was. To see Diamond and Silver split apart. Writing issues aside, and they were indeed numerous, that alone always makes me give a big head-shake to a story. Like a perfect storm of negatives.
995779
Sigh...i feel like i'm repeating myself over and over here, its being fixed right now....sorry about the problems normally they aren't this bad.
995797
Ahh, well, excellent. I mean, I'm still saddened Diamond and Silver are not together but, it takes all kinds to make a world. C'est la vie.
995840
Ah I see as for that just give it time, i'm a believer in twists in my stories. Diamond will be in it more later on promise. Also Sorry if it seemed like i snapped i have had one of those days if you know what i mean.
995858
Oh ho do I EVER know what one of those days is like. And throwing down a story on the same day, oh yea.
She'll be back, eh/ Why not give this little thing a track and see about that twist. Please understand, I'm just a curmugeonly shipper who things those two as a couple are tragically underrepresented.
995931
Yeah and Normally i don't get a lot of comments about problems with my story. I normally have some problems with it but that is because i didnt' have a great editor before. I have a good one now but he must have been sleepy or something when he did this. when i looked it over i saw the problems and when i showed him he found them too. he is fixing it right now so i can repost it later. Now the twists wont come right away and i can't say what will happen but i'm sure you'll like it.
995967
Well... looking it over, I see you gave away most of the "main" plot points in the description. So... Well... it seems a bit... Diamond is so over the top that I can't suspend my disbelief. And now there's going to be Silver sexing up a new pony? I'll watch it, make no mistake. But it just gives me a strange feeling.
And for another thing, I thought her father's name was Filthy Rich, and her grandfather was Stinking Rich.
996006
It is Stinking rich is her grandfather i think i messed that up and have to go fix it its part of what i am working on now. and like i said I like a twist or two or twenty lol. yes the story will be around Silver and this other pony for a while but a story isn't good if it is just those to, love is hard and friendship is hard to break that's all i'm saying on it. I had to have a description and that was all i had at the time to go off of.
So there are some grammatical errors? The author obviously knows this so everyone should shutup and give more feedback on the story, which i believe to be a very interesting concept and am looking forward to where this leads in the future. 3 1/2 ponies out of 5. Good for you Drako Moon, you go Drako Moon!
So far I like where this is going, story definitely has potential. My only criticism is that the dialogue is a tad rushed and some of it seems a bit ooc, especially for Twilight. However the maturation of a character like Silver Spoon would make for a good story i think, so i give you this moustache
as I will be stalking your tale to see where things lead
this is going somewhere and i plan to stick around for it
all aboard the... i have no idea what to call it...
anywho good story, and dont really give a damn about the commas
996333
I'm glad you don't but i just posted it again and made a few changes and fix (I Hope) all the comma's. Also thanks for your support and i'm sure you'll enjoy this story. I do have a good plan for it and a few unexpected twists to it.
996307
Thanks you and yes it was a bit rushed i wanted to jump to college and get the Fight out of the way. Along they way though more of her past will be told and as for the part with Twilight Go back and read it again i did fix what she said. I have no idea why i would write twilight like that lol i must been tired when i did it. Anywho thanks and hope you enjoy more
996195
Thank you so much and i did fix a few things with the story you may like it a bit better now since i fixed twilight and a couple small things. Thanks again
993689
They Live! ;) No bubble gum = Death
996438 all for support and i must say i am looking forward to whatever ya do wit the story
The writing seems a bit stiff. I mean, it is evident your gammar is bad, but you are working on fixing it so that's good. The dialouge though, it really forced in places. Its like this paragraph:
“It wasn’t right of Diamond Tiara to do that to you, I hope she gets
what’s coming to her.” Silver smiled back and gave Twilight a big hug “Also thank you for talking with me last night it did make me feel better and I also was able to think over some stuff in my life.” Silver Spoon finished and smiled up at her
The dialouge here needs to read more smoothly. Its like they have to get all their points out at once, but you should spread ot out more or...something.
It is an interesting story with wonderful potential, but it does need fixed up a lot.
993421
Hahahahahaha
why is everyone focusing on grammatical errors? can they not see that this is a great story with great potential? do they not know of the writer's plight which is tiredness and laziness?