Deathsia
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I haven't read it yet but I can tell you that the summary has way too much in it, like you were trying to spoil the plot for someone instead of just hinting at the contents. The first two paragraphs get the plot across succinctly enough.
The premise is good and I can't wait to read it!
Interesting story so far. I will follow and watch fun begin.
Good first chapter. The premise is one that I think plenty will be interested in seeing developed, though, for my part, I think it's less interesting since I'm obsessed with natural filly parts and futa has always felt like cheating to me. It will still be interesting to see something more developed from it than just the typical clop if that's what you intend to do. If you plan on making it gratuitously clop-y then that's cool too.
I have read it now and the story is flawless! I'm quite excited to read more!
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Its either too little or too much detail with me...oi! >.<
It's definitely a good start! But you really seem to want to avoid using 'said'.
This seems like the kind of thing that should be written IN THE BOOK ITSELF. Especially considering this book was part of a LIBRARY, in a restricted section or not.
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I know right?! Lazy spellbook writers!
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Last time I was using it too much. I can never find a good balance I swear...
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Here's the thing with "said". It's a word that sort of blends in when reading. Our brains almost just pass over it without comment and this can be a very good thing.
When writing, you should be using "said" for most dialogue. Because our brains have been trained to just kind of skip through it without really registering anything, it is good for any dialogue where there isn't specific emphasis. Think about any regular conversation and this is going to be 99% of it. This helps those occasions where you want that specific emphasis to stand out all the more because it's something different; it's not just "said" it's "exclaimed", "shouted", "plead", "whimpered", "whispered" etc.
"This is my favorite part of these classes." Ms. Milky remarked softly to herself with a smirk as the chorus of thumping noises rang out in the quiet classroom."
Me: Thumping? What do you mean by thumping?
"Sweetie Belle herself was even memorized by the sight and let out a startled yet soft "eep!" as she felt her own penis impact with the underside of her desk."
mfw: reactionface.info/sites/default/files/imagecache/Node_Page/images/1313174076506.jpg
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That'd legitimately be grounds for a lawsuit in all likelihood, so i don't know why each and every spell wouldn't be appended with a warning note. All you need is one pony with more money then sense buying a secondhand copy that doesn't have the pamphlet anymore and two weeks later you get a visit from their lawyer.
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That had reminded me of this line I heard forever ago. I think this was it though: What are you a dictionary? No Bitch a ghetto visionary, keep it up and i'll drop you like a case of dysentery.
Only problem is I don't know who rapped that verse either sadly.
Please tell me this will include futa-on-male!!!
But either way, great story! Keep up the great work.
6355080 ...
Seems contrived, but ok. The setup is in place, let's see what you do with it.
"Guy with tits" stories always seem to find new angles to tackle old themes :P
Kinda interesting imo. Though hm, kinda wondering if this goes for the classic "full R63" that 90+ % of all futa stories go for, or if you'll keep their horsecunt still involved ;3
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If you read the fic all the way to this point, you'd know its not as simple as "Guy with tits".
I can't say anything without spoilers but if you haven't already, read it through.
6357248 Only read the description so far. But considering it's included in the group for stories about guys with tits, and going by said description, seemed to mainly focus on the male aspect. I did a bit of an assumption tbh :P
And I have too many bag experiences with people going "just read it", as around 19/20 has turned out it was just a huge flop. Especially the last person that did, as it was just a troll that had written a shoddy story about Diamond Tiara, some plot con about discord and R63, just to whine on people and say that "only males can be dominant". Training off a bit here xD I can say though, it does seem like you can have gone for a more "proper herm" approach to this. But hard to tell from just looking. But sadly atm is too much of a wildcard for me to bet on. But do know it looks promising at least :3
Have a like an a track. Love it!!!
oh this is getting good.
Agree - the pamphlet needs to be in the book - her skipping the forward is quite likely.
Also - 'want to see what you look like' - would be much better as 'we want to see colt parts' with that section rewritten some - natural curiosity.
Oh boy. Blackmail. There goes my interest.
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Oh,oh,oh! I think I see where your interest went!
acollectivemind.files.wordpress.com/2014/03/gaston_reads_fanfics_by_livingshadowdarkmark.jpg
No? Huh... well I'm sure you'll be back when I make an update, afterall the story is only beginning.
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I hope you're right. I find blackmail a stupid choice in general. It's a short-range weapon because your target can always move after you've used it, it outs the blackmailer as a petty and manipulative person, and there's a host of problems if your blackmail target calls your bluff and steps up to claim whatever leverage you have over them, that opens you up to all sorts of reprisal. It tends to be for the small minded and short-sighted.
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If you don't mind spoilers:
The blackmail plot device is merely a setup for the rest of the fanfic. Yes DT and SS will continue to hold it over her head and it will be used to direct SB somewhat throughout the fic but it won't be the main focus.
Hope that revives your interest but just in case, I have this:
modernshark.com/wp-content/uploads/Junk-Science-Phoenix-Down-Lightbox4.jpg
i am disturb
yet curious
to see where it goes.
Personally I'm only going to keep reading this if DT and SS get severly punished, and soon.
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And Featherweight. I hate Paparazzi...
6360396 Good point, I hope Rumble rats him out, I can only presume that Rumble was being blackmailed too.
I hate Featherweight...
Ugh does this mean that DT and SS are going to be in this fic for the rest of the story? Fuck.
Sweetie Belle reading the last part: Oh buck...
Honestly I would've thought that SB would've cast the spell in the bathroom...
You do realize that when you mention passages like this:
that there has to be a bit of proof.
.....and don't look at me like that
, I know that I'm not the only one online at the moment that probably also are thinking of this. I know I have a perverted mind, I've been accepting that as part of who I am.
6362279 Their tags are in the main page for the story, so unforunately, whether you like it or not, Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon are major characters in this, just like the CMCs are.
And ultimately, it's probably gonna come down to Sweetie Belle and her own feelings for her 'accident'. In short, she needs to be a dick (pun not intented) and stop really caring about what others think about her. None of these other bastards ARE Sweetie Belle; they can ridicule, symphazise, make fun of, and everything else in between. and can claim that they care for her well-being which is good. But the hard truth is that none of them will ever understand what Sweetie Belle has to do with, unless they decide to permanately become a hermaphorite themselves.
You know, you should add the source to that cover image. Here it is. http://41.media.tumblr.com/09ec1b9a398aed1dff85c11c25f7afb2/tumblr_n9ehltpazQ1rbn6v1o8_r1_500.png
It's from Go Ask Sweetie Belle
I like the 'screwed up the spell midway' a lot, though not for the reason most others reading this do (okay maybe a little of that too). You see, if a spell like this is permanent, then it cannot be irreversible because that would mean that there is still magic in play. Assuming that magical energy deteriorates over time or that permanent spells require a lot of magic like they do in most games, the only way for the spell to actually be permanent would be if the effect of the spell altered her DNA, making it as much a natural part of her as any other body part. As such, recasting the gender swap spell would return her to normal without complications. However, the messed up part of the spell gave her both parts, so the most a gender swap would do is flip them around if that. Therefore, you made the plot much more plausible (in the realm of technicolor ponies anyways) than the idea that an adolescent could cast a spell with an indefinitely sustained magic level.
I'm waiting for Sweetie to hit DT and SS with the same spell she used on herself.
Hey...have a like
also I'm the 100th like here...TRIPLE DIGITS BABY!!
I hate Featherweight, DT and Silver Spoon here. I mean it.
Keep on going! I wanna see more Futa Belle!
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Sorry for the hiatus! update should be coming soon!
I'm a little disappointed in that Sweetie didn't fuck Silver Spoon in the first place--there are gonna be so many more incidents where her hormones are gonna overwhelm her conscience and rational sense. As well as using the handwave of just having an infertilization spell at a moment's notice.
Maybe it would seem cruel, but as much as DT and Silver Spoon bully and harrass Sweetie Belle for something that ultimately she can't help but deal with, it would be perfect karma to me if either Tiara or Spoon got knocked up. Don't care who has that job, but seeing the two fillies that are already considered sluts to seeing them as teenage mothers still in high school would put the horseshoe on the other foot, don't you think? Think about the issues if Sweetie Belle did reveal to the world that she's a hermaphrodite; pretty sure it would be at least double if it was discovered that either of them (or even both, could happen) got babies in them. How would DT and Spoon deal with that then??
Another good chapter.
I would really love to see Apple Bloom and Sweetie fucking, and maybe becoming a couple.
while i may not be the biggest fan of dickmares this is as always hilarious. sorry I haven't been up to date on reading these you can blame the MLP game for that (changelings don't die, they multiply). I was a bit disappointed at sweetie dealing with pendick err penwood. she should of wrote back "LOL OMG that's so small it's adorable" followed by flashing her's if ya hadn't decided to keep it a secret. but really a cocky prick like him needs his ego shattered. nothing like being told your to small to take a ride.
also that milky cameo I loved it. of OC's she is by far my fave (even have a custom figurine of her) if sweetie ever want's to learn about boob jobs she'd be the teacher for it.
hmm ending wasn't quite right lets redo it as it should of been *sweetie grinned at the two as they looked on stumped "w-whats your problem didn't you hear me I have evi-GAH" tiara was cut off as sweetie started to choke the life out of her and did the same with her magic to silver before she could stop her. "guess my secret goes to grave with you two hmm" sweetie smiled as the life was choked out of the two bitchy bullies.* see muc... what do you mean too gory and dramatic?
yeah but seriously this is why i don't write. I'd kill off them two bitches without a second thought. picking on the CMC is one thing but where in the &#^% do they get off saying they OWN her. she's a living being not property. ARRRR I just wanna strangle them ponies.
pleased as always you've done well to infuse disgust and hatred of the villains and compassion and sympathy for the hero. it's easy to write clop it takes talent to do it so that the story over comes the clop to make a great story to read.
ya know what she should rut them so hard so good they love it and NOT allow them to climax. just fuck them up in the head, specially silver. I know she could use that little bitch (sorry still pissed with em) to get those photo's and destroy them just for a chance to climax using her new toy. silver seems the type that needs that climax to survive. tiara would be an easy fix too just cram her head up silvers twat and ram a pumpkin up her ass (not the gina strait up the arse)
then again thinking of the scandals how great would it be for either of those bitchy ponies to be carrying her child. oh the gold "filthy's child a filthy child" or "slutty mare has mare's child to bare" ahh how sweet to see the looks on there families faces when they are in the papers.
I'll read more later.
Hey do you think you can link me to the folder that this is in, and let me fix it up / proof-read for you? I know that I offered for the next SSBLU 3, and future chapters for The Belle Tolls for Love 2 but I can do this fic as well. Just drop me a line if you're interested ^_^.