Thirty Years After Introduction
Celestia was giggling like a madmare. Her group of heroes had finally beaten Ragar's little challenges, but upon winning had found his private quarters empty - with the exception of five plaques marking them as the owners of Ragarland. To add to the enjoyment, Ragarland was actually directly under Canterlot castle - within the Crystal Caverns. She had been laughing for an hour straight, unable to cope with a supposedly evil necromancer who had literally lived in her basement for thirty years building what turned out to be an amusement park. All the puzzles were just ways to get on the rides. In fact, shortly after her team solved it Celestia found herself riding a wonderful Ferris Wheel made of crystal. Of course, she had to disarm three auto-repairing tripwires before the door would open, but that was neither here nor there.
The only disappointment was that she failed to meet Ragar himself. She had been looking forward to meeting whatever strange pony had got through her wards and built an entire crystal and bone themed park under her castle. She refused to believe they were whatever being was appearing in her room for what was now a weekly chat, but she enjoyed the over the top conversations they shared. This day, however, was one that required something rare. Today, she was going to call them. She walked up to the orb and tapped her horn to it. This was followed by smooth music flowing from the orb. She assumed that it was sending a request to talk over whatever link the orb allowed between her and her strange friend.
After a few seconds there was an audible click, and with the tell-tale flash, she was staring at something odd. The skeletal figure was there... but instead of a cloak, he was in a fluffy pink bathrobe. He looked pleased though. Celestia still hadn't figured out how he managed to convey emotion through his unmoving face, but she could always tell what the pony behind the mask was feeling. He waved at Celestia. "Hello princess. It is I, RAGAR, THE AGELESS!! DARK LORD OF ALL EVIL!! How are you today?"
Celestia smiled and returned the wave. "I find myself in high spirits today, Ragar. I must say, I was sad to see you had left your lair when my guards finally beat your challenges."
Ragar nodded in understanding. "Of course, capturing the famed necromancer would surely bring great morale to your pony army. However, what master of evil would be caught in his own lair? No, Ragar escaped through his tunnel as your heroes took the cart into his lair." Celestia smiled. The roller coaster leading to his central chambers was great fun. Apparently, her team had gone through it twice before realizing that they had won.
She nodded at this. "Of course, how could I have ever thought to catch the notorious Ragar without a cunning plan?"
He moved slightly, a coffee mug coming from somewhere she couldn't see as he walked around. It was odd, seeing something walk while not moving. Then he sat, propping his feet up on an unseen object. "Indeed. Ragar is a clever foe. Do not worry princess. The next set of challenges will be ready in but six months. Prepare yourself. For my next will be twice as evil as the last."
Celestia nodded and tried to hide her joy. She had found that Ragar seemed to enjoy her acting like he was a serious threat. If she was being honest, she did too. It was a fun game to play. "I will assemble a new team of heroes post haste."
Ragar raised his mug towards her. "See that you do. Also, Ragar must commend your librarian. The Royal Archives were sorted excellently. All the forbidden knowledge had its own section. Ragar was happily able to read all of it. Ragar left her a fruit basket in the visitor center. She also has a two-year pass to Ragar's former lair. Please see that she knows."
Celestia paused. Had the pony truly seen all the forbidden books in her archives? No, it was impossible. The guards were patrolling all entrances every hour of the day. The pony behind this must be trying to act the part. However, that meant that she must as well. That didn't mean she couldn't try to pester him about it. "Ragar, you are truly a vile cretin. How did you ever manage to sneak in?"
Ragar seemed to beam with joy. "Ragar does not share his plans unwisely. However, you are a nice princess. Ragar simply walked through the door. Not one of your guard tried to stop me. In fact, most didn't seem to notice Ragar. Ragar was almost offended. But then when I saw your beautifully sorted forbidden lore, I forgave them instantly. Nopony who saw those books could possibly be surprised by one such as me."
Celestia smiled wide. There was no way he just walked through the door. So her secrets were definitely safe. Of course, their little game was still afoot. "Well then, I shall have to redouble my guard. They shouldn't have let you through so easily. Should I also change the hero team set up from last time?"
Ragar shook his head, before sipping from the mug. The liquid went straight through the hole in his jaw and seemed to stop a few inches before his bathrobe. Celestia giggled at this, before quickly clamping it down. She was a serious ruler talking to a dangerous necromancer right now, after all. Ragar looked down and seemed to convey a great sadness. "Ragar will never get used to that. The spells Ragar has devised make it so that the taste is fully experienced. But Ragar's form does not allow the digestion of various foods. Perhaps Ragar should devise a digestion spell. But then Ragar would need to design a bathroom. What self-respecting necromancer designs his own bathroom?" He threw his free hand in the air in annoyance, before calming down. "To answer your question, though, keep the same types of adventurers; Ragar designs all his lairs specifically for that style of team. Ragar also likes seeing how that particular type of team works. It is like watching a great play. In fact Ragar has created a small viewing crystal, to replay the greatest moments of the various sieges of Ragar's lair."
Celestia perked at this. "Oh, really? May I have a copy?'
Ragar nodded emphatically. "Of course, one of my undead servants shall deliver it to Ragar's former lair. It shall be upon the entry stone. Make sure it is checked early tomorrow morning. Also, please leave a small collection of adventure books. Ragar lost a few in the move, and Ragar's library is now barren of all adventures!!! Truly, 'tis the vilest fate Ragar has endured in Ragar's many years."
Celestia nodded, trying to hold in her fit of laughter. A necromancer who reads adventure books in his free time. Whoever was behind this had a great sense of humor. Or a voracious love of adventure books. Either way, it somehow fit the over-the-top necromancer. "Of course Ragar, I shall have a maid bring a few of my personal favorites to the entryway." She decided to see if she could further his lore. After all, she wanted to remember this one well. Perhaps she could write a play about it in a few centuries. "Out of curiosity Ragar, how old are you?"
Ragar let out his, by now familiar laugh. "NYEHEHEHEHE, Ragar has lived for centuries. Ragar saw Discord's reign. I saw the day the tribes united and elected their princesses. Ragar saw the death of Sombra. Actually, Ragar saw that one far too closely. A bit of his crystal body got jammed in Ragar's eye-socket. Ragar spent a week trying to get it out. Ragar still hears Sombra in his dreams. That is why Ragar devised a way to avoid sleep altogether. Never again will Ragar sit through subpar teatime with a wannabe king."
Celestia had been about to prepare some tea but ground to a halt at this. Every time she thought he was full of hot air, he said something to set her on edge. Sure, a true history nut might know all of those various facts, but most ponies let the past stay there. This one though. How had a pony who seemingly loved construction and spell-craft found the time to research all of her past battles? True, he hadn't mentioned Luna, but still. She shook it off. Of course, a team of ponies then. Nothing to worry about.
"Ah, I have rarely gotten to meet a being as old as you." She then hid a private smile. Another attempt to catch him off guard, then. "And of course I assume you were there for the banishment of Grogar?" She began brewing her tea. Nopony remembered that little tale. It was before unification and lost to the ages. She smiled at her perceived checkmate, as her thoughts turned smug. 'Let's see you chew on that little puzzle.'
Ragar responded, though. "That old fool? He was an idiot! Ragar tried to show him the path of evil, but he wanted to use necromancy for pain. What fool thinks evil is a force of violence? Ragar thanks you, Celestia, for both you and your sister banishing him to the shadow world." Celestia froze. That was impossible! She had spent many moons making sure that that particular tale stayed buried! Even the knowledge that Grogar existed was restricted to her personal students, and of course royalty. How another being could know it without being there was baffling. She sent her brain into overdrive, then let out a snort. With some wooly logic, she decided that it must have been passed down from a small group. If she missed a private family who happened to know of Grogar, then no harm done. Besides, from the venom in Ragar's voice it was clear he must hate Grogar as much as she did. Then she heard a yawn from Ragar. "Princess, if you will excuse Ragar, Ragar must now retreat to his phylactery. Ragar needs the time to finish the new lair before your heroes arrive."
Celestia moved the now whistling teapot from the stove and poured the liquid ambrosia into a mug that proudly stated 'Sun-Flank' in large block lettering. She took a sip and nodded. "Of course, Ragar. I cannot wait for our weekly meeting on Tuesday. I do still wish you would come over for a spot of tea sometime. I am always happy to hear from you."
Ragar moved a bowl into his lap and poured the last of his mug through his jaw. The drink spilled freely into the bowl, which caused another smile from Celestia. She was quickly losing composure again. Ragar seemed to ignore it, though. "Of course princess. Ragar must gloat to the only worthy rival in all of Equestria. However, Ragar will decline your lovely invitation. Ragar does believe you wouldn't arrest him on a social visit, but a necromancer must have standards. A princess tea party is much too frilly for RAGAR THE AGELESS, UNDYING MASTER OF THE UNKNOWN."
Celestia nodded. At least he couldn't have actually gotten into the archives. Who knew what would happen if he found Starswirls unfinished spells? There was a slight cough behind her. "Also, princess, Ragar forgot. One of the books in the archives had incomplete spells in it; as a master of the unknown, Ragar just had to finish them. Unfortunately, Ragar finished them in the margins, so Ragar made a new copy with the corrected spells. It should still be in the forbidden section; it is under 'R' for RAGAR." There was a soft click as the communication ended. Followed by the loud crash of Celestia dropping her mug.
The guards outside Celestia's door were treated to a sight normally seen only during attacks on Canterlot itself: Celestia sprinting out of her room at what seemed like mach speed. One of the guards turned to the other. "Hey, did Princess Celestia have curlers in her mane?"
The other guard stayed facing forward. "I didn't see nothin." Both guards returned to their silent vigil. Then they heard something that was almost always heard only on the battlefield: Princess Celestia's Royal Canterlot Voice. It spouted several curse words that made everypony's ears within a four-point-six-two mile radius turn red by proximity alone. The second guard stayed facing forward. "Didn't hear nothin either."
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huzzah! Such a helpful fellow!
Two chapters and this is already one of my favourite fanfics keep it up.
This is hilarious, and I love it.
Seriously, how can this have so little views?
RAGAR THE AGELESS, UNDYING MASTER OF THE UNKNOWN DEMANDS ATTENTION!
Hmm, so chapter two takes a different direction than I expected. I was expecting for Ragar and Celestia to have a grand game of mock chess, while a band of heroes told only about the "evil" necromancer set off, and received story focus amidst much hilarity and failed evil.
Here though, you've made it all about just the two of them. Which is fine. And it's probably easier to write with fewer characters. But if she perceives him as an actual threat, doesn't that disrupt the premise of the story? If she'd taken his story at face value, but perceived him as simply a fellow bored immortal, then the two of them could play their game together. Here, you have Celestia not believing him...and then suddenly being shown that no, maybe this is a problem after all.
That substantially changes what this story is about. Celestia has to take him seriously now, because she's just realized that she's completely misjudged the situation. The setup you have here tends to lead to Celestia herself becoming his adversary, and Celestia herself being the "hero" who is foiled and annoyed by his antics.
That might be more difficult to write convincingly.
Also, I advise some proofreading. You have a tendency to randomly omit words from sentences.
It’s nice to find a silly book that actually has a good story. I can’t wait to see what happens next!
This is beyond entertaining! A completely non evil necromancer who has convinced himself that he is the most evil in the land has spent the last thirty years messing with her in a completely harmless fashion. I assumed it would take her longer to figure out that he is who he claims he is, and is not only a necromancer, but a very old one at that. This is easily one of the most enjoyable and humorous fics that I have read in a long time, and im greatly anticipating future chapters! Thank you so much for this beautiful work of art!
Oh no wait, I just realized, Ragar finished Starswirl's unfinished Ascension didn't he? Dangit Ragar! That wasn't helpful at all!
Chapter one had me interested... but chapter two basically had me rolling on the floor laughing so hard it somehow pushed the like and favorite buttons at the same time.....
i NEED more of this hilarious story xD at the moment it's just such a perfect blend of over the top silliness and seriousness XD
8984860
I'm sorry for the errors, I'll reread and edit this before I head to th in laws. I wrote this in an excited frenzy between 3 and 6 am, I don't know why I didn't wait to post until I was awake.
8984913
With Ragar it probably is.
8984749
I imagined him more as a mix between Skeletor and Santa Claus. And yes, that will mean he is going to shout the phrase I am not nice later in the story.
I am thoroughly hooked. Ragar is my favorite villain to date and I can't wait to see how he annoys/amuses Celestia next.
I eagerly await the next chapters.
How on EARTH, have you made me love something this fast, with only 2 chapters so far? its simply inconceivable.
Please do not abandon this. I am loving it. LOVING IT
8985141
That seems spot-on!
Ragar is too dumb and relatively innocent to be evil. He could have conquered Equestria by now and from there pretty much the world.
I like this guy.
i love this already..instant fav on two chapeters lol please dont stop writing this
8985089
... well, that’s just great. Now, I want him to have an incompetent assistant. Maybe an old G1 antagonist.
“Buzz, you bungling, busybody of a honeybee!”
Maybe that’s a bit too on point....
whelp...... I'm sold. where can I get a season pass to Ragarland?
You got a like, fave, and follow.
I can't wait to see if the main six end up meeting ragar if it even goes that far
8985228
The main six will probably be the heroes that Celestia send to ''defeat'' Ragar
8985169 Pop culture is not knowledge.
You're actually among the LEAST knowledgeable groups in history. You tend not to know the basic structure of government... or even basic arithmetic and grammar. And don't get me started on the absolute absence of scientific information.
You believe yourselves brilliant solely because you are outrageously ignorant of the plethora of topics you aren't even aware exist. Also, simply because you get a degree in liberal arts, you are not brilliant. Today's liberal arts degrees would be worth the equivalent of toilet paper a century ago.
Forget Camelot, for it seems Ragarland is truly “a silly place”!
I really do enjoy silly stories that are about just being fun for the heck of it. I shall be keeping an eye on this.
Though I suggest you get an editor/proofreader or two, for I have seen instances of missing words, wrong punctuation, and other grammatical errors here and there.
If you desire an editor, let me know. I’ve helped with a few stories—and still do—her on FiMfiction.
8985315
Already got somebody on it. I'll edit it when I get home.
8985329
Alrighty then. If you ever do want another editor, my offer stands.
Anyways, looking forward to future chapters!
Somepony give that guard a promotion.
I never knew I needed this in my life but now that I have it I want more.
whereloveabounds.files.wordpress.com/2014/09/oliver.jpg?w=300&h=186
Jesus thismis genius
This story is pure gold. I'm loving every sentence of it, and I hope to read more from you.
Faved, trackin', and thumbed-up for its premise and execution.
8985390
I'm working on the next chapter now. However, I give fair warning. Don't expect new characters to stay a long time. Most characters besides Celestia, Ragar, and a few characters that will show up later will be recurring for more than two or three chapters.
This is not the villain Evil needed, but what it deserved.
Noice
Centuries? Wouldn't it have to have been closer to millennia (or at least one) if he witnessed anything before Luna's banishment?
....thumbs up. You’ll be on the featured with this work alone.
I have a feeling Celestia and Ragar will become an unlikely acquaintance. And I suspect Pinkie and Rainbow will become his Park's regular visitors.
8985677
The first chapter takes place 100 years after Luna's banishment.
This chapter takes place 30 years after the first chapter, so 130 years after Luna's banishment.
He has to be at least 150 then, but it's definitely possible for him to be close to a millennia old, since we don't really know the amount of time passed from Grogar up to Nightmare Moon.
Alicorn Princess Ragnar, anyone?
Ragar feels like what would happen if you fuse Papyrus and Dr. Eggman. And he is hilarious!
i like this ragar he reminds me of papyrus
8985589
Okay, since Ragarland (the fist version) was an amusement park I'm guessing the next would be more of a country fare variety. Ragarland would be set up in the Badlands, with various attractions, and achievements that needed to be overcome. Like one of those hammer/bell/pole things that says, World's Strongest Earth Pony! and the heroes have to win all the prizes from the carneys (changelings) before they can claim victory.
Ragar will later be sad when no pony shows up after the heroes win...it is the Badlands after all...
8985589
It would be great if you focus on 970 years between Ragar and Celestia because it would be many funny and interesting chapters without some new characters because it would make sense, like 1000 years is Luna at the Moon, while Twilight would appear I think 10 years before Nightmare Moon appears.
So I think it was a good idea making then talk about the others or even talk about silly days and ideas like Best friends forever. LOL
This is really funny. And in interesting twist on evil.
Hey here's an idea have one of his undead minions walk into frame for a few moments then leave but Celly knows who that is. That would lead to some panic and maybe even a joke or two.
But anyway I shall await your words
8986244
Futurism I think
Did you mean to have a duplicate sentence at the beginning?
My god! This is beautiful! He's such a cool dude. I want more of this sillyness!
One question though, is it pronounced rey-gar, raw-gore, rage-are, or raah-gar? I'm not quite sure, and its best to not get a necromancer's name wrong. Even one as silly as this.
Perhaps luna has seen him in ponies' nightmares?
8986293
Thought it'd be ray-gar, personally. Since he like's yelling it all the time.
8986335
Correct
8985264
I imagine Ragar's response would be something like, "No, no, no. Celestia and I agreed that she would send a heroic band of five heroes. Adding in a sixth would throw the adventuring group-dynamic completely off!"
I can see Celestia and Ragar becoming romantically involved after, oh, say, 750 years of this.
He's harmless, intelligent, fun to be around, just as averse to causing harm as her, and most importantly immortal.
Or, rather, I can see Celestia trying to become romantically involved with him, and being endlessly frustrated by his madness. Not frustrated enough to stop trying; it just becomes her side of the game.
I can see her inviting Twilight to see Ragar's latest declaration. Twilight standing there shocked and disgusted at the existence of such a vile being, then Celestia sighs and says "One day I'm going to marry that lich". Twilight snaps.
8985228
8985264
Re-read the first two sentences of chapter one. This is 100 years after Luna's banishment. The mane six haven't been born yet. Which prompts one to wonder why there are Twilight, Luna and Cadence tags on the story.
Time travel shenanigans, anyone?
Or I suppose maybe, since 30 years passed between chapters one and two...maybe they're playing a long game?