The Return
Ragar watched from his hiding spot as the ponies disappeared from the abandoned castle in the Everfree Forest. He was glad they had elected to leave shortly after their climactic showdown, as this part of his plan relied upon only two people knowing what happened here. Well, three if you counted a tricky demon. Ragar had been quietly observing events for some time, with no clothes covering him and no tools on his body. Going in bare-bones had been necessary to avoid detection. From the glow to his left he could tell his son was casting his scrying spell again. "You were right, pops. We've got a hit in the throne room. Need my help with this part?"
Ragar shook his head, not bothering to whisper as he emerged from his hiding spot. "No, Ragar shall do it himself. Go and check on the little filly you like; Ragar is sure she would appreciate it."
Black Sun's blue coat darkened to a shade of violet. "Dad, I don't like any girls. That being said, I do have that store you asked me to open in Ponyville to look after, so I guess I should make sure the residents know I'm okay." Ragar watched him fly off and smiled. He then did something that anypony who knew him would find quite surprising. He straightened up, and when he did it was as if the hunched lich became someone else entirely. The constant clicking noise of his bones against the stone floor and each other, the quirky movement that seemed to be one song away from breaking into a jig, all of it vanished as if it had never been.
In its place stood a skeleton in complete control, silent and walking with no wasted movement. He calmly moved to the center of the throne room, nodded, and then began a slow circle around the room - all while completely quiet. Once he completed the circle he returned to the middle of the room and raised his hands. As he did, black smoke began billowing from his open palms.
If anyone familiar with magic were here to witness his actions they would quickly realize the spell he was casting could go wrong easily. If it failed, he would be lost in the realm of Ooyooaeo, the Voweled Tempest. If it went perfectly, the influence of the realm of Vowels and Wind would only briefly pass through the Veil and leave things mostly the same, with the notable difference of all recently banished spirits being returned to the room.
As the black smoke spilled all over the room, Ragar began humming. The smoke began to emit speech that somehow lacked all consonants, speaking in an impossible language about the death of worlds. Ragar hummed louder. Finally, a few spectral beings phased into existence, singing prophecies of the fall of all Equine-kind. Ragar broke into an ominous song of his own, drowning out their lyrics as he continued to ignore the spell’s side effects. As his efforts neared completion, the ghostly choir vanished, the impossible language quieted, and finally the smoke vanished as he brought his hands together in a clap that sent a pulse of magical energy throughout the room.
The first thing Ragar noticed was that there were numerous slugs littering the floor, all dead. They also had a number of typewriters and sheets of paper scattered around them. Ragar picked one up out of idle curiosity, and then smirked. "A Oieuuooeo Oieiu’u Eoeao: Ay Oiu Eeiuee ay Ooyooaeo. "Guess we were wrong about the monkeys." He pocketed the page and saw his reason for being here: A cloud of nebulous black energy, floating about in a confused manner. Ragar walked up to it and slapped his face with both hands. The loud clacks heralded the return of his normal noisy way of talking before he began posturing. "Hello, little Nightmare. I am RAGAR, THE AGELESS DEATH. Would you terribly mind accompanying Ragar back to his hidden lair?"
The spirit bobbed back and forth as if debating this before it floated up and down in an excellent facsimile of a nod. Ragar clattered his teeth in an audible smile. "Wonderful! Ragar must, of course, do a small errand first. Ragar asks if you would simply go to the largest central hub of necromancy in the current magical sphere. Once above that, Ragar's lair will be one hundred miles due east. Go, and do not tarry! Your spirit will fail again if you do not reach the lair soon." The spirit flew away.
Ragar moved to the throne and sat upon it, pondering his inability to truly smile. He gauged the grin he’d probably have after successfully completing the spell would have long passed shit-eating and would have quickly approached a smile singularity. Luckily he had no muscles, thus averting the happiest apocalypse the world had ever seen. He lazily waved a hand, summoning a set of midnight blue robes around himself. With another wave an orb of black light appeared. He tapped it once and was greeted with soft laughter as the call started connecting. He bobbed his head to the ringtone he had lifted from a call almost a century ago. If Ragar remembered correctly, Black Sun had spilled spaghetti all over him during dinner, causing Ragar to shout about impurities on his very soul. Celestia had laughed for a good while after that, at least partially due to the orb hiding the meal until it had suddenly appeared all over his robes.
Eventually the laughter stopped, and Ragar found himself gazing into Celestia's tea room. Celestia and Luna were sitting by a table with all sorts of refreshments laid out. Celestia looked her normal, beautiful self, but when he looked at Luna, Ragar wanted to frown; she looked like a fraction of the mare he remembered. She was much smaller than before, and was completely lacking that energetic glint in her eye. Ragar forced those thoughts to the back of his mind. "Good morrow to both of the wonderful princesses of Equestria! Ragar had hoped Luna would be returned tonight."
Celestia smiled at Ragar while Luna stared. She had the expression of an exhausted dog staring at an intruder: knowing that she wanted to do something about it, but debating if that was possible at this exact moment. Celestia ignored that and continued. "Ragar, I'm so glad you called. You were right! Luna came back exactly on the thousandth year. I would hug you if you ever showed that bone-headed skull of yours."
Ragar held out his arms wide, joy flowing freely from him. "Of course Ragar was right! Ragar keeps too many secrets not to share them with those in need. Or to accidentally make some very interesting people."
Luna looked between Ragar and Celestia. She appeared to be trying to decide between bringing up the necromancer in the room or just letting it lie. Ragar decided that there was no need to wait. "And little Luna, last time Ragar saw you was after you banished Discord. Ragar believes it was a victory party, and you tried to sneak away with that wonderful little thestral when Celestia had her back turned."
Ragar watched as Luna's fur darkened. "Celestia, thou have some explaining to do. Namely, why is there an accursed lich appearing in thy tea room and speaking of events from our own private lives?"
Celestia gave her sister a patient smile. "Well, Luna, about a century after you left Ragar here called me and demanded we send guards to destroy him. Since then, we've cultivated a wonderful friendship; I can show you the recordings of the challenges he has put forth for our guards."
Luna stared in slack-jawed shock at Celestia's claim, while Ragar clattered his bones. He raised a hand, which drew the attention of both mares. "Ragar was just calling to offer Luna an invitation to our tea in a couple decades. Ragar is sure that she will absolutely love to see this handsome skull in person." He raised a single hand to his chin. "Or should it be in pony? Ragar still sometimes has trouble with the pony form of this language."
Luna continued to stare for a moment before shaking her head in confusion. "Of course. We would love to see thy handsome skull for ourselves. I bet it would look lovely above my mantle."
Ragar was once again glad of his lack of a face. The unfortunate princess had just stepped right into his trap. "Well, Ragar needed to send a welcome home gift to you anyways. Give Ragar a moment."
The guards outside the royal tea room were less well trained than their bedroom counterparts. They froze in place at their forgotten Princess's shriek. "What in the ninth pit of Tartarus is that!? DID IT JUST DROP A SKULL ON ME?!?!?!" The guards heard this devolve into a mixture of screams and laughs before they reached a consensus. When the princesses left the tea room together, they barely noticed that their guards were missing.
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OMNI:Do it...Dooooo It
OMNI:Yes!
9046560
I figured Ragar would have a gift for the much more violent Lunar princess.
YAY!
And Luna learns the second rule of Ragar. He grants many things, some you may even want.
hopefully they remember this and never ask him to lend a hand in anything non serious
that could not have gone better
Why Ragar want Nightmare spirit by the way? Don't tell me he is going to recruit her into his newest tourguide of his Kingdom?
Was WAITING for this one, among others.
And so Luna found out that Ragar has not only tia's number but hers as well.
Well, you asked for it Luna.
And the consensus they reached?
“Not tonight!”
Ah, this is golden. Such simple joy i get out of reading this, it's a wonderful change of pace from the complex/drawn out stories i usually read.
AAAAHAHAHAHA THAT LAST PART XDXDXD LOVE IT!!!
Slightly worried about what he has planned for the Nightmare. I keep fearing that things will turn on their head and it will turn out you were trolling us all along and that this delightful little lich who we know and love has actually been playing the long game and will turn out to be truly evil. That would be heartbreaking and I might not recover. But until such a time may occur, I will remain hopeful. The question still remains, what nefarious deeds does he have planned!? :O
9046709
Don't worry. I am adamant that Ragar will not be an evil lich. I don't think I could live with it if he was.
9046605
I'm sure it's come up. Ragar's too classy not to have jumped on that opportunity the first time Sunbutt made the mistake.
9046715
Bless you for reassuring me of that. I can now continue to thoroughly enjoy this story worry-free. :D
9046741
Unless the author is playing the long game by subverting Word of God to lull you into a false sense of security, just so that you are indeed bamboozled by a future face-heel turn!
I am guessing had hoped was not merely a curious phrase. She has not fully returned yet in her full glory.
True Evil what a genius way of life
Hate? Pain? what silly concepts to base evil on Ha!
Violence? how boring !
No true evil is not in their grasp for they will sooner or later become insane or dement...
I love this story and its concept
and gifting Luna his skull?
great move...
Will he one day construct his own flesh and blood body?
and how even did he become a lich? I do not think he sold his soul perhaps with the right knee hip move? hihi
True Evil always finds a way :D
J
I'm calling it that it's Pinkie.
Yeeeeesssss! So good! Thank you again for this! I cannot wait to see where it goes!
Also, this series really needs some fanart.
I love this story. I really do wonder about the backstory and his real abilities, but that's part of the fun.
Once more everyone!
Ready?!
Go!
"We didn't hear nothin'."
One month on FimFiction and it already has almost thousand likes.
derpicdn.net/img/2014/6/28/663175/full.png
XD hahahaha! i love it! this humour gets me every time! XD
9046997
It is good manners for every TRUE dark lord to speak of himself in the third person. No real evil ruler in the vein of Skeleton or Doom would ever be so plebeian as to speak in the first person.
9047620
Dark Magic, you see. Necromancy will summon the votes from the grave.
9046715
I'm more curious about Dark Sun's filly friend. Has the little alicorn finally found somepony to call his own? Wonder what will happen when Ragar finds out his a grand-lich?
Bet It'll be a colt that will later fall in love with Flurry Heart. Calling it!
9048212
bet it is fluttershy or derpy
Wonderful Thestral? By who's standards?
Glad to see you’re keeping it on. Love the chapter. Can’t wait for more as always!
I love it.
Amazing.
You got a new reader.
I shal patiently wait for new chapter. :3
Two things. One: This is the funniest stuff I've read in far too long.
Secondly: Ragar's speech is way too similar to Trixie's. Is there going to be any correllation between the two? I mean, there's the third person, and self complimenting titles. Ragar and Trixie both use those.
9048441
Hoping for the later.
9049243
Not Trixie's. He sounds like Papyrus from Undertale.
9049767
I haven't played Undertale, so I'll trust you on that. Still reminds me of Trixie, though. I can also see why it might not be so, however.
9047731
Weird. Coz my story doesn't even have 50 likes.. Maybe I'm doing this with not enough comedy..
Ragar has been playing everyone for fools hasn't he?
9046595
"Be careful what you wish for, you may get it."
I wouldn’t be surprised if he actually put several monkeys in a room for infinity to see if they typed Shakespeare.
9099949
Looks like he found that old head he lost.
Oh god, I'm going wake someone who's already up up again just by laughing.
Good very good....right into the trap!
Ah, lovely.
Good to see that Ragar did not get aHead of himself in greeting Luna.