A Family Hoard
Princess Luna was known by many titles. The Fallen Moon, Twice-Born, Dreamwalker, and her personal favorite from Ponyville: Best Princess. However, there was one title that only Celestia called her: the Paperwork Princess. Though Celestia had managed to hold things together without her, Luna had always been the one who actually enjoyed paperwork; once she had caught up with the modern government, she’d shouldered an increasing amount of the work. Normally, Luna relished this opportunity to outshine her sister, but today was an exception. She was currently browsing ancient texts on the dragon hordes for advice on how to handle a recent altercation in Manehattan; apparently, after leaving the employ of Tia’s accursed necromancer an undead dragon had decided to go on a quest for children. This had become something of an issue when she decided that the entire office of Manehattan’s First Bank and Trust were now her sons and daughters.
Luna had been present for the first round of negotiations, where the dragon had gleefully allowed the workers to leave once their work was done as long as they promised to eat a healthy dinner. However, one of the fools had mentioned he had kids. Negotiations broke down at the same time as the dragon broke down into tears - somehow - and cried about its grandbabies. The authorities had called a recess to try and figure out what in the name of the Maker was going on. Luna now sat in a private room in the local guard headquarters, trying to discover any legal precedent in Equestria for the situation. Making it harder, the dragon wasn’t actually breaking any laws. It was technically illegally roosting on the roof of the bank, but the bank's board of directors had approved it. This may have had something to do with the plate of cookies the dragon had brought them, but Princess Luna couldn't be sure.
She groaned as her head made a quick introduction to the desk. She grumbled incoherently for a few moments before speaking to herself. "This would be much easier to sort out if we had somepony to ask about the dragon. Up to now, she hast refused to even give us her name!" She paused, realizing it was possible for her to call Ragar; surely he would know the name of his former employee, and her sister had taught her the spell... She slammed her hoof down on the table. No, she wasn't going to resort to calling that damned necromancer. He was no better than Grogar with his... damned... amusement parks.
Luna sighed and cast the spell. Anypony who built amusement parks was impossible to consider an overlord of evil. She had hoped he would just appear before her, like he did with Celestia, but he had different plans. As Luna watched, deep smoke appeared in a corner of her room, obscuring it from sight in a thick cloud of choking darkness. She watched with a raised eyebrow as a pair of glowing red eyes appeared in the middle of the cloud. "WHO DARES SUMMON RAGAR, THE MASTER OF FORBIDDEN MAGICKS, THE WIELDER OF DISCORD’S DAMNATION, AND THE DAMNED DUKE OF DARKNESS!!!"
Luna continued her stare as the smoke settled, before a few strained coughs came from the image, followed by an ethereal bony hand waving the smoke away. "Note: smoke appears on both sides of the spell. One moment, joyous summoner." The smoke began dispersing with the sound of a broom being waved around, revealing Ragar. He was wearing a pair of blue pants, and a sleeveless T-shirt with some sort of golden-haired biped flexing outrageously on the front. He continued waving a broom around him as he noticed Luna. "Ah, Princess. How does life find you today?"
Luna let out a non-committal grunt. "It would find me better if one of your damnable dragons hadn't 'adopted' the local bank."
Ragar paused. "Oh, did Glean find a group of ponies to be her children? Tell Ragar she didn't try to trap them in the building!" He appeared genuinely worried, which caused Luna a small amount of confusion. He then paused, before waving his hand. "Oh. She is crying about possible grandbabies..." he turned to Luna. "Ragar has no clue what to do here."
Luna slapped her hoof to her head. "It's thine dragon! Dispel it or something."
Ragar flinched back, horrified. "Ragar could NEVER!! She is living a full and productive half-life. Killing her for a minor issue is both cruel and unnecessary."
Luna paused. She had always considered dispelling undead creations a kindness. But, after thinking on it for a moment, it did seem as if Glean was trying to live her life to the best of her ability. She sighed. "Thou art correct. We apologize, we are used to the undead being mindless abominations."
Ragar simply nodded. "Think nothing of it, princess. Ragar knows of your past experiences, and holds no ill-will from your suggestion."
Luna nodded towards him. She could see why Celestia tolerated him. He seemed to be reasonable, and was typically very honest with his knowledge; at least, she’d yet to catch him in a lie. She looked out her window to the dragon who had finally calmed down and was coiling around the top spire to roost for the night. "Ragar, what would you suggest?"
Ragar rubbed a finger across his chin bone for a moment and then shrugged. “Honestly? Ragar says to just leave her. Glean will protect her adopted children, and she doesn't need to eat. Ragar will make sure to check on her every so often to make sure she's comfy."
Luna shrugged. She was missing her newest niece's wedding for this, so a quick return to Canterlot might allow her to at least enjoy the reception. "Very well. We shall take your suggestion, Ragar." She still had one question, though. "If we may, why did you allow her to leave?"
Ragar stared at her as if she had just asked him why Equus was round. "Because she asked." He held a hand to his chest as if wounded. "Ragar is many things, but he is no slave driver. Glean asked for a chance to find a family in Equestria. After a very nice lunch meeting Ragar told her that Manehattan was beautiful this time of year, but she could go wherever she liked."
Luna nodded and looked over to Glean, curled up atop the bank's roof. "Indeed. We shall admit, thou art very different than we imagined."
Ragar's jaw dropped into a grin. "NYEHEHEHEHE! THE EVIL MASTER OF DARKNESS IS NEVER WHAT ONE IMAGINES!"
Luna let out a small smile. "Undoubtedly. We shall take our leave now. We art hoping to arrive in Canterlot in time to enjoy our niece's reception."
Ragar nodded. "Do not worry, the changeling invasion should delay things enough for you to get there in time. Ragar managed to sneak a look at the ceremony during all the hubbub. It was beautifully done." Luna nodded, dismissing the call without a thought.
The guard headquarters in Manehattan was having a surprisingly quiet night. With the dragon at the bank, even the criminals had decided there was enough excitement for one day. Apparently, Princess Luna had missed the memo. Walking Beat had been about to bring her a new batch of paperwork when he heard a loud crash from her room. "CHANGELING INVASION!?!" Another loud crash followed. He took a deep breath and counted to three before opening the door. The room was empty, with a hole in the roof giving him a subtle hint as to where his nocturnal princess had disappeared to. He sighed before slowly moving the paperwork onto Luna's desk.
"I need a raise." And with that, he turned around and left. He was off shift in five minutes. Today was not going to be the day he went through the paperwork for replacing a roof. He'd let the next guy handle it.
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...definetly the cookies
9165366
Yep.
Lol
That's a tumblr post.
That's a fucking tumblr post, we've been tumbled folks.
now I have the image of the lich kings dragon, sat on the roof of some Gringotts looking building talking with a granny voice offering cookies.
The T-shirt, JOJO? or DBZ? or MHA?
9165366
Plus who wouldn’t want a kind undead dragon helping guard a bank as a bonus to said cookies?
So...Luna=best princess, Ragar=best necromancer, Glean=best dragon?
9165366
i bet they were double chocolate chip
9165434
Nah. There can only be one....
3.bp.blogspot.com/-py-G-pEM0JE/UoQQnFLAi1I/AAAAAAAABOA/5Cxap21-LDA/s1600/johnny_bravo.png
9165431
Yep, granted I saw it elsewhere, but it demanded a reference.
If I end up there, I wanna try that casual mentioning of a threat thing. The results would be VERY amusing.
I almost pity the moronic robber that decides to try and rob that bank
I'm sure they'll get used to the sight of a bone dragon sitting on a roof eventually.
9165444
"Do the monkey with me!"
Oh, man. It's been years. I approve.
9165366
Serious, who says no to cookies?!? If an undead dragon said she wanted to adopt me and give me cookies I'd say 'yes!' Cookies are awesome!
I thought I recognized that writing prompt. ‘Twas a silly idea.
This has been quite entertaining for a number of reasons, but what would make this even better would be someone like Tirek or Sombra doing something that has Ragar drop his goofy antics in favor of opening an Ainz Al Gown flavored can of whoopass. Then for added hilarity, have Ragar and his son come up with why said villain is currently a pile of ashes.
'Uh, would you believe Ragar if he said he was like this when we got here?'
So, not that I didn't enjoy this chapter, because I very much did, but what happened with Twilight and Black Sun and all that? I feel like some fairly important things were skipped between the last chapter and this one. But that might just be me.
9165366
They have to be soft chocolate chip cookies
9165603
I'm thinking of making that a stand alone story once I finish this one up. Honestly only a few more villains and this stories done. Never fear, because the story of Ragar won't end with this story.
9165444
I originally thought "80's Hulk Hogan" but I like this SO much more.
"Man, I'm pretty!"
9165687
Imma be honest I was thinking dbz. But johnny bravo is infinitely better. Johnny bravo is his canon shirt now.
9165437
I thought that that last one was Crackle's job?
I suppose it could be split up into two separate categories, best undead dragon and best living dragon, then everyone wins?
9165366
I bet it is chocolate chip cookie. Ponies love chocolate. Glean probably need brownie in order to please Luna.
I am starting to assume the delayed reaction is a trait run in the family - which was later passed down to her (Celestia's) faithful student.
Another day, another chapter, another chance to play a BGM fitting Ragar's personality:
That was gloriously off-the-wall, as usual. Did you know I have a character who also bribes people with baked goods? :D
Nice tie-in with why she wasn't dealing with the 'lings!
9165762
Works for me.
What Ragar looks like when he's not being... EVIL!
static.boredpanda.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2015/01/skellie62__605.jpg
9165634
that's a relief, I'd hate to lose my (something) dose of Ragar
9165434
alex louis armstrong? he kinda has hair.
9166054
Looking fabulously evil is hard work!
Mighty glean, destroyer of kingdoms, pl-
Mom.
Uhh.....right mom um so I have to get back home I've got three foals who need dinner and I really think I should... go....back.......why are you crying
GRAND BABIES!!!!!
"Sergeant..."
"Private?"
"Uh, [licks lips] what forms do you have to fill to...requisition a roof?"
"..."
9167262 ANOTHER DECISIVE VICTORY FOR PAPYRUS!
9165434
Could be Heman and the Masters of the Universe
9168439
that would be epic
9165634
I really enjoy this side-chapter, it explains a lot what happened to glaringly missing bits in the canon plot. (Personally, I think Celestia was never in danger of permanent imprisonment and treated it like a vacation)
9165434
I saw someone also suggested Johnny Bravo
9168929
I saw and had a giggle fit but couldnt respond because of work.
AHAHAHAHA! Well that's ONE reason Luna wasn't at the wedding! XD
>enjoyedpaperwork
You seem to be missing a space
9169175
Sorry, Guldane told me, but works been killer and I haven't had a chance to breathe in a while. Fixed now thought. thank you. : )
Ragar, upon finding out Black Sun has the same interests he does:
i.redd.it/acroc1vx6am11.jpg
I just realised - this story got to be the fourth best rated story in, what, less than three months?
Seesh, it mean it deserves it, it's hilarious, but.... wow. Just wow.
The more I read about Ragar, the more I like him. The best part, he isn't actually a bad guy. Evil. yes. Dark, absolutely. But he is benevolent as he is not cruel. Looking forward to more. Deus tecum.
9169519
This is my second favorite Necromancer story so far, only beaten by necromancy for foals because I read it first. I absolutely adore this and can not wait for more.
i wonder how chrysalis would react if ragar called celestia mid battle? i imagine it would be quite, humerous
Such a good story to find and binge through my morning, can't wait for more
9209490
What do you think papyrus used to make his meatballs with, hmmm?