• Published 14th Jun 2018
  • 12,943 Views, 1,254 Comments

The Worst Equestrian Necromancer - Nobodyslament

Some necromancers want to rule the world. Some want to reign terror across their own demented plane of existence. One just really wants to annoy heroes. These are his stories.

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A Family Hoard

Princess Luna was known by many titles. The Fallen Moon, Twice-Born, Dreamwalker, and her personal favorite from Ponyville: Best Princess. However, there was one title that only Celestia called her: the Paperwork Princess. Though Celestia had managed to hold things together without her, Luna had always been the one who actually enjoyed paperwork; once she had caught up with the modern government, she’d shouldered an increasing amount of the work. Normally, Luna relished this opportunity to outshine her sister, but today was an exception. She was currently browsing ancient texts on the dragon hordes for advice on how to handle a recent altercation in Manehattan; apparently, after leaving the employ of Tia’s accursed necromancer an undead dragon had decided to go on a quest for children. This had become something of an issue when she decided that the entire office of Manehattan’s First Bank and Trust were now her sons and daughters.

Luna had been present for the first round of negotiations, where the dragon had gleefully allowed the workers to leave once their work was done as long as they promised to eat a healthy dinner. However, one of the fools had mentioned he had kids. Negotiations broke down at the same time as the dragon broke down into tears - somehow - and cried about its grandbabies. The authorities had called a recess to try and figure out what in the name of the Maker was going on. Luna now sat in a private room in the local guard headquarters, trying to discover any legal precedent in Equestria for the situation. Making it harder, the dragon wasn’t actually breaking any laws. It was technically illegally roosting on the roof of the bank, but the bank's board of directors had approved it. This may have had something to do with the plate of cookies the dragon had brought them, but Princess Luna couldn't be sure.

She groaned as her head made a quick introduction to the desk. She grumbled incoherently for a few moments before speaking to herself. "This would be much easier to sort out if we had somepony to ask about the dragon. Up to now, she hast refused to even give us her name!" She paused, realizing it was possible for her to call Ragar; surely he would know the name of his former employee, and her sister had taught her the spell... She slammed her hoof down on the table. No, she wasn't going to resort to calling that damned necromancer. He was no better than Grogar with his... damned... amusement parks.

Luna sighed and cast the spell. Anypony who built amusement parks was impossible to consider an overlord of evil. She had hoped he would just appear before her, like he did with Celestia, but he had different plans. As Luna watched, deep smoke appeared in a corner of her room, obscuring it from sight in a thick cloud of choking darkness. She watched with a raised eyebrow as a pair of glowing red eyes appeared in the middle of the cloud. "WHO DARES SUMMON RAGAR, THE MASTER OF FORBIDDEN MAGICKS, THE WIELDER OF DISCORD’S DAMNATION, AND THE DAMNED DUKE OF DARKNESS!!!"

Luna continued her stare as the smoke settled, before a few strained coughs came from the image, followed by an ethereal bony hand waving the smoke away. "Note: smoke appears on both sides of the spell. One moment, joyous summoner." The smoke began dispersing with the sound of a broom being waved around, revealing Ragar. He was wearing a pair of blue pants, and a sleeveless T-shirt with some sort of golden-haired biped flexing outrageously on the front. He continued waving a broom around him as he noticed Luna. "Ah, Princess. How does life find you today?"

Luna let out a non-committal grunt. "It would find me better if one of your damnable dragons hadn't 'adopted' the local bank."

Ragar paused. "Oh, did Glean find a group of ponies to be her children? Tell Ragar she didn't try to trap them in the building!" He appeared genuinely worried, which caused Luna a small amount of confusion. He then paused, before waving his hand. "Oh. She is crying about possible grandbabies..." he turned to Luna. "Ragar has no clue what to do here."

Luna slapped her hoof to her head. "It's thine dragon! Dispel it or something."

Ragar flinched back, horrified. "Ragar could NEVER!! She is living a full and productive half-life. Killing her for a minor issue is both cruel and unnecessary."

Luna paused. She had always considered dispelling undead creations a kindness. But, after thinking on it for a moment, it did seem as if Glean was trying to live her life to the best of her ability. She sighed. "Thou art correct. We apologize, we are used to the undead being mindless abominations."

Ragar simply nodded. "Think nothing of it, princess. Ragar knows of your past experiences, and holds no ill-will from your suggestion."

Luna nodded towards him. She could see why Celestia tolerated him. He seemed to be reasonable, and was typically very honest with his knowledge; at least, she’d yet to catch him in a lie. She looked out her window to the dragon who had finally calmed down and was coiling around the top spire to roost for the night. "Ragar, what would you suggest?"

Ragar rubbed a finger across his chin bone for a moment and then shrugged. “Honestly? Ragar says to just leave her. Glean will protect her adopted children, and she doesn't need to eat. Ragar will make sure to check on her every so often to make sure she's comfy."

Luna shrugged. She was missing her newest niece's wedding for this, so a quick return to Canterlot might allow her to at least enjoy the reception. "Very well. We shall take your suggestion, Ragar." She still had one question, though. "If we may, why did you allow her to leave?"

Ragar stared at her as if she had just asked him why Equus was round. "Because she asked." He held a hand to his chest as if wounded. "Ragar is many things, but he is no slave driver. Glean asked for a chance to find a family in Equestria. After a very nice lunch meeting Ragar told her that Manehattan was beautiful this time of year, but she could go wherever she liked."

Luna nodded and looked over to Glean, curled up atop the bank's roof. "Indeed. We shall admit, thou art very different than we imagined."


Luna let out a small smile. "Undoubtedly. We shall take our leave now. We art hoping to arrive in Canterlot in time to enjoy our niece's reception."

Ragar nodded. "Do not worry, the changeling invasion should delay things enough for you to get there in time. Ragar managed to sneak a look at the ceremony during all the hubbub. It was beautifully done." Luna nodded, dismissing the call without a thought.

The guard headquarters in Manehattan was having a surprisingly quiet night. With the dragon at the bank, even the criminals had decided there was enough excitement for one day. Apparently, Princess Luna had missed the memo. Walking Beat had been about to bring her a new batch of paperwork when he heard a loud crash from her room. "CHANGELING INVASION!?!" Another loud crash followed. He took a deep breath and counted to three before opening the door. The room was empty, with a hole in the roof giving him a subtle hint as to where his nocturnal princess had disappeared to. He sighed before slowly moving the paperwork onto Luna's desk.

"I need a raise." And with that, he turned around and left. He was off shift in five minutes. Today was not going to be the day he went through the paperwork for replacing a roof. He'd let the next guy handle it.

Author's Note:

Well, another chapter up. Also due to a power outage this chapter was phone-posted. It almost hurt to do that. Many thanks to Guldane.

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