The Worst Equestrian Necromancer

by Nobodyslament

A Bone To Pick

Princess Cadence had been searching for her husband for two hours now. Though she still felt a warm tingle every time she thought about him finally being her husband, she could not deny that she was quite annoyed at his disappearance. He normally followed a strict schedule during work hours; always making the same rounds, following the same paths, and doing the same jobs. Granted, that was mostly to keep new guards from overworking themselves in fear of surprise captain ambushes, but still. It made her waiting to surprise him outside his office confusing when she eventually got bored and wandered inside to find it vacant. She was now searching the various tea rooms in case Shining had been the victim of a Princess-tier kidnapping. She entered Celestia's private tea room, eyeing it suspiciously for any sign off her beloved. Her eyes paused on an envelope with her cutie mark crudely sketched on it in Shining’s trademark lack of style. She smiled as she opened it to read the note, but then frowned. "What?"

The note was short and simple; it explained that Ragar had asked him for help in a quick experiment, and Celestia was supposed to let Cadence know where he’d gone. The note had been left to stop Cadence from worrying when Celestia inevitably decided it would be funnier to have her wander around the castle looking for her husband. She stomped over to the orb in the corner and angrily flicked it with her magic, causing piano music to fill the room. She glared at the orb until it eventually snapped into the shape of Ragar, completely clad in a rubbery, bright yellow outfit aside from a transparent faceplate that revealed his skull. He smiled and waved. "Greetings, fair Princess of Love. Ragar just sent young Armor back to Canterlot. How can the MASTER OF EVIL help you?"

Cadence gave Ragar a hard stare. "How about we start with you explaining why you stole my husband WITHOUT TELLING ME!" She pointed an accusatory hoof at him, shaking in barely restrained anger.

Ragar flinched from her, covering his shielded face. "PLS NO KILL! Ragar simply needed a portion of the changeling queen’s magic from the leftover spells on Shining Armor." Cadence paused; she hadn’t even known there were leftover spells on her husband. Ragar slowly stood back up when there were no further outbursts, but then flinched a second time at the sound of a small explosion. "Oh, it seems the flesh-eating liquid reacts explosively to oxygen." There was a second, much wetter-sounding explosion, followed immediately by Ragar’s outfit being splattered with purple goo. "Twice. Ragar didn't know something could explode twice."

Cadence stared, dumbfounded, as the ooze started slowly eating through his outfit. Ragar watched with interest as it sank to the floor, leaving his suit in tatters; not content to stop there, it began hissing on contact with the stone. Her rage forgotten, Cadence spoke up. "Are you okay?"

Ragar straightened up. "What? Yes, Ragar is fine. He had to fight off a group of vicious foals only a few weeks ago, it will take more than acid to keep him down."

Cadence reverted to Celestia’s tried and true method for actually continuing conversations with Ragar: ignore the strangeness and move forward. "Okay then. Where is my husband?"

Ragar paused, before waving his hand at something Cadence couldn't see. "Ragar sent him back with Pointy. He should be arriving momentarily." Cadence stared at Ragar with annoyance for a moment before hearing the telltale tapping of whatever skeletal horror Ragar had sent with her husband. She turned and saw... IT. The bird that had led her in a merry chase across the castle while it kept her from her gifted book. The fact that Shining Armor was sitting in a saddle on its back did little to abate her rage. "YOU!!"

Ragar watched with interest as Cadence angrily stomped towards his skeletal bird. Pointy looked between Cadence and Ragar for a moment, then sprinted away from the window. Cadence bolted after him, the soft glow of her horn dragging the image of Ragar along behind her. "GET BACK HERE WITH MY HUSBAND, YOU BAG OF BONES!"

Ragar watched with amusement as Pointy ran through the gardens, Cadence hot on his heels. He couldn’t really take the time to examine anything as Cadence chased after Pointy, but he waved to the guards as they raced past and idly watched as Cadence lost Pointy briefly near the garden maze. Cadence paused and took flight, quickly reacquiring her target with her birds-eye view. Pointy was sprinting for all he was worth, and though cassowaries can reach rather impressive speeds Pointy could not match the speed that the perturbed pink pony princess could fly. As Cadence closed in she reveled in her imminent victory, until Ragar spoke up. "Ragar wonders where Pointy put Captain Armor."

She froze mid-flight as the lack of a saddle on the skeletal nuisance registered; Pointy took the opportunity to escape, disappearing deep into the hedge maze. Cadence began flicking her head side to side. "Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh. Where did he go!?" She began rising and falling, trying to hunt down where the bird had dropped off her husband. Eventually, she turned to Ragar, who was apparently enjoying his impromptu trip through the gardens and had been inspecting a statue of Celestia that Cadence had been hovering near. "You, where's Shining Armor?"

Ragar looked to her, shrugging. "Ragar will admit that he does not know, exactly. At the time Pointy was supposed to drop him off, Ragar was distracted by a pair of guards having a lovely romantic walk."

Cadence froze. "You knew when it was going to drop off Shiny?"

Ragar nodded. "Of course, but since you took me out of the palace while using the messenger spell Ragar was enjoying the view."

Cadence paused. It made sense that Ragar would take the opportunity to look at areas of the castle that he rarely, if ever, got to see; he was clearly enjoying it. That said, of all the times to get distracted! Wait, he’d said it was a pair of guards... "That's it!"

Ragar looked towards her again, but was abruptly obscured by smoke billowing up from his ethereal floor. As it covered the image she heard his voice. "What's it?"

Cadence resisted the urge to check on Ragar as she focused her magic, keeping Ragar there for a chewing out later. "The couple you saw, I can track their love!" Quickly focusing her magic, she sensed a few trails that could be the couple. Choosing the one that seemed the most recent, she flew after it with abandon. As she neared the source of the love, she heard a hacking cough behind her that made her slow her flight to look at the image. Ragar's manifestation was now almost completely encased in black smoke, though she could still see a single yellow-gloved hand waving around in the smoke.

Ragar’s voice echoed oddly through the smoke. "Jeeves, take note. The substance reacts with whatever is below me by spewing black smoke! We may have reached a breakthrough!" Cadence stared in utter confusion as a snap echoed across the garden, and the smoke vanished. What little remained of Ragar's yellow suit was now burned at the edges; despite that, he seemed proud of himself. "Jeeves, we've done it! Whatever it mixed with gave the perfect reaction for the reagent we need!"

Cadence continued staring for a moment as Ragar began to do a silly little dance before resuming her flight. She could puzzle out whatever Ragar was doing later. When she reached the end of the trail she indeed found a pair of guards, laughing at something hidden from her view by a large bush. She landed beside them, producing a few loud clops. "Excuse me, you two, I'm looking for someone. Have you seen Captain Armor around here?"

Both ponies laughed without turning. "Yeah." Said one "I dunno what he was doing, but I don't think it ended the way he planned." Cadence peeked over their shoulders. There was her Shining Armor, still on his saddle. His eyes were whirling about in his head, and as he moved his hooves to try to escape, he was instead slowly entangling himself in the bush. She smiled at the display and turned to Ragar.

Before she could say anything she was blinded by a flash of light. Blinking away her blindness, she saw Ragar holding a camera. Before she could comment he snapped a bony finger, ending the call. She huffed at the annoyance; she had wanted to complain at him again for foalnapping Shiny, but she supposed it was fine now. She smiled at the sight of her husband, then at the two guards in front of her. A new couple to watch and her husband safely returned; the day was looking up.

Author's Note:

As always, thanks to Gyldane for editing, and thanks to all painkillers. Since machine at work popped of my finger life has been much easier with them, and now that they're gone I can think again. Woohoo.

Comments

[Venerable Ro]

Why he wearing a biohazard suit if he's completely impervious to whatever he's testing? I suppose he's just devoted to his visual gags, yes?

In other news, Candace just barreled randomly through the palace dragging a skeletal apparition behind her. Ragar's existence is probably the worst-kept secret in Equestria by this point.

[Stellar_]

Ah yes, classic Ragnar sechnanagans

[SeventhBrony]

There is so much to say while at the same time so little. So, I'll leave it at

[Brandenburg]

Yay

[Greenhorn]

Before she could say anything she was blinded by a flash of light. Blinking away her blindness, she saw Ragar holding a camera. Before she could comment he snapped a bony finger, ending the call.

Ragar the paparazzi.
Ragar, I want a copy of that photo.

[taelonso]

ROFL so much ROFL we need more chapters of this insanity it's my kind of nuttyness

[SeaWorthy]

Glad to hear you're feeling better, its always a treat to read your work.

[Vaguely Demented]

It would take guts to chase a cassowary. It’s a rare thing but they are more than capable of doing an insane jump that ends with a throat being slit. They are one of three species of birds that have been confirmed to have killed a human.

[LostArchivist]

I love mad science. Take a quick google for chlorine triflouride if you want a real-life analogue of that stuff, by the way.

Source used in this video: Likely the Things I Won't Work With archive, which has similar or better (or funnier) articles on the other chemicals that video lists.

”It is, of course, extremely toxic, but that’s the least of the problem. It is hypergolic with every known fuel, and so rapidly hypergolic that no ignition delay has ever been measured. It is also hypergolic with such things as cloth, wood, and test engineers, not to mention asbestos, sand, and water-with which it reacts explosively. It can be kept in some of the ordinary structural metals-steel, copper, aluminium, etc.-because of the formation of a thin film of insoluble metal fluoride which protects the bulk of the metal, just as the invisible coat of oxide on aluminium keeps it from burning up in the atmosphere. If, however, this coat is melted or scrubbed off, and has no chance to reform, the operator is confronted with the problem of coping with a metal-fluorine fire. For dealing with this situation, I have always recommended a good pair of running shoes.”

The archive ALSO lists an even stronger version.
Other fun ones include (and none of these chemicals give one the warm fuzzies, but at least some aren't technically lethal...):
http://blogs.sciencemag.org/pipeline/archives/2011/02/25/things_i_wont_work_with_chlorine_azide
http://blogs.sciencemag.org/pipeline/archives/2009/06/11/things_i_wont_work_with_thioacetone
http://blogs.sciencemag.org/pipeline/archives/2013/01/09/things_i_wont_work_with_azidoazide_azides_more_or_less
http://blogs.sciencemag.org/pipeline/archives/2012/05/15/things_i_wont_work_with_selenophenol
http://blogs.sciencemag.org/pipeline/archives/2011/11/11/things_i_wont_work_with_hexanitrohexaazaisowurtzitane

[PrinceOfDoom]

I wonder what Ragar is going to do to Chryssi...?

[mishun]

Cadence bolted after him, the soft glow of her horn dragging the image of Ragar along behind her. "GET BACK HERE WITH MY HUSBAND, YOU BAG OF BONES!"

Cadence herself is a bag of bones. Pointy, on the other hand, is missing "bag" part.

[Dimension Tripper]

Yay

[cmartist]

Hope you fully recover soon. That sounded painful.

On the story, keep up the great work. I look forward to more adventures from THE MASTER OF EVIL Ragar.

[Fireeaters]

9232519
Probably so he can skip showering before he does other things.

[Eonflare]

Princess of love chasing a cassowary skeleton through a hedge maze... is that a normal thing for the guards at this point or are we not quite there yet?

[Asolem2]

She smiled at the sight of her husband, then at the two guards in front of her. A new couple to watch and her husband safely returned; the day was looking up.

So how long before she realizes that she let Pointy get away again

[Viper Pit]

I wonder if ragnar would love explosive slime mold

[Dorath]

"Twice. Ragar didn't know something could explode twice."

You obviously haven't spent enough time around Twilight

[Morphy]

9232519

But... the yellow hazmat suit is required when doing science! Granted, one is supposed to be wearing a labcoat and safety goggles but if those got destroyed in the last experiment, then you go for the hazmat suit.

[Tedious_Blizzard]

9247302

...Who?

[Nobodyslament]

9247303
Vegeta from dragon ball z. I own a muscle shirt of him flexing with some motivational phrase on it for the gym. Most of his outfits are based on informal wear I own so I can imagine a skeleton in it easily. Also, it's easier to decide it's something I've worn before. Which does include a hazmat suit. Those things suck so much. You die of dehydration and sweat in seconds.

[Tedious_Blizzard]

9247310

Ahhh, he’s from Dragon Ball Z. I’m quite unfamiliar with the series so soz. The clothes Ragar wears are easy enough to imagine though. Great story btw

[Nobodyslament]

9247314
Thank you. And I'm not a huge fan, but I love cocky bastards, and that's about ninety percent of Vegeta's personality.

[Earthpatriot117]

I'm actually really enjoying this! Xd

[NONEshallTell]

You almost lost a reader. I like the 'funny' but for a while I could not breath.

[flutterboot]

Cadence gave Ragar a hard stare. "How about we start with you explaining why you stole my husband WITHOUT TELLING ME!" She pointed an accusatory hoof at him, shaking in barely restrained anger.

Ragar flinched from her, covering his shielded face. "PLS NO KILL! Ragar simply needed a portion of the changeling queen’s magic from the leftover spells on Shining Armor." Cadence paused; she hadn’t even known there were leftover spells on her husband. Ragar slowly stood back up when there were no further outbursts, but then flinched a second time at the sound of a small explosion. "Oh, it seems the flesh-eating liquid reacts explosively to oxygen." There was a second, much wetter-sounding explosion, followed immediately by Ragar’s outfit being splattered with purple goo. "Twice. Ragar didn't know something could explode twice."

*WHEEZING*

[Skyfall360]

Exploding twice...
SEGATA SANSHIRO JUDO THROW!
HEEEEEEEAHHHH

[Amos Anon]

Ragar straightened up. "What? Yes, Ragar is fine. He had to fight off a group of vicious foals only a few weeks ago, it will take more than acid to keep him down."

A group of foals. Perhaps a trio searching for something?