- Member Since 6th Feb, 2015
- offline last seen Oct 25th, 2023
SC_Orion
Just an introvert who likes My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. I also like to write MLP fanfiction. Twilight Sparkle is my favorite pony.
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Descriptive writing 100
Storytelling 100
9017389
This seems like a meme... I can't tell if this supposed to be a compliment or an insult...
9017401
Compliment, of course. I need a continuation and/or sequel!
9017900
Thank you for specifying that... I was kind of worried there. I particularly enjoyed writing it the way I did.
Time, and the response to this story, will tell if that happens...
It was a nice story to read and have an interesting dynamic between twilight and rainbow. If I have any criticism Iād say that it is a little slow, and that maybe you should compress everything down a little bit in the future.
9018421
The problem with condensing it is that you wouldn't have the insane detail that makes this work so well.
This was beautiful. It's rare to find a story about a loving couplee of virins having sex for the first time that has such good characterization. Twilight, the shy but eager virgin. And Rainbow, the not so shy and even more eager virgin. It's perfect, except for the fact that it stops where it does. I liked this part near the end.
I can just imagine the next morning:
*knock* *knock* "Princess Twilight, are you awake?"
"Ugh, go away, there's no work today. It's, uh, a holiday today."
"...No, it isn't"
"It is now, I'm declaring today, uh... National Recovery Day. For ponies to recover from... stuff. Yeah."
"Um, okay Princess, see you tomorrow."
9018429
That is true. I guess it depends on whether you want it to be more clop or story.
I thought the length was perfect. I enjoyed it! Kudos to you and your prereader for encouraging you to hit publish.
9018421
I'm glad you enjoyed this story. I tend to agree with you on it being slow, but I think that's part of its charm. If I were to compress it, I'd lose so much of the detail that I strived for in writing this.
9018460
I almost included a part with somepony like Celestia, Luna, or Cadance knocking on the door or walking in on them, but I decided not to add that since I felt like it would ruin things. I considered adding a scene following where I stopped it and continuing the story, but I felt like it would be pushing the length a bit too much.
Twilight will figure out how to handle the day, although she might be a little late for breakfast because they definitely need to bathe. And I can imagine them walking in and everypony looking at them, unaware, but the two of them blushing awkwardly anyway...
HOLY JEEBUS THIS IS MY NEW FAV STORY EVEEEERR
But seriously, the pacing, the way you describe everything, this is amazing storytelling! (Also, having 2 cute Virgins discorvering their bodies just instantly makes the story aweeeeeesome)
Also, this story needs some cover art, may i suggest https://derpibooru.org/124585
...
Sequel pls?
9037097
Thanks for the comment! I'm glad you liked this. I put a lot of effort into making this the best it could be.
I've never messed with cover art before... I'm a nervous introvert and I have a fear of doing something wrong and asking someone to use their work as cover art... I probably should invest in trying to get cover art for my stories, since I know that people are attracted to stories with cover art over stories that do not have cover art. It makes the stories look more promising or more professional, I just... I'm scared of asking someone if I can use one of their pictures for cover art.
As for a sequel? I don't know. I won't rule it out, there's a couple people asking for a continuation/sequel. But it'd probably be at least a few months if I were to write a sequel, I'm afraid. I'm not sure about a continuation or turning this into more than a one-shot. I'll mull it over, I suppose... I'm also sort of mulling around writing a Twiluna story of this genre, too.
9037275
Alot of great stories are one shots, this one just sorta ends a bit too early (in my weird mind Anyway) like, they talk about wanting to have sex but it never actually happend in the story for what ever reason. But, if you're satisfied with this story as it is, i won't complain.
And if a sequel is gonna get made, i'll be happy to wait for it for a looong time. Im an extremly patient person
And the cover art is entierly your choice. If you don't want to use one, That's fine.
This is more than amazing. This is brilliant! I adore when I get to see two ponies just have loving, adorable sex. No kinks, no over-the-top swearing or anything like that. Just love, kindness, sweetness... Makes me happy, is all!
Good job!