After spending a day on the park, Applejack and Rarity suddenly developed feelings for each other, however Applejack is conflicted about her newfound feelings
Chapters (1)
eagc7
Joined 9th Aug, 2013 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Flarefeather · 1.1k words · 46 6 · 3k views
- ssunsxt · 2.2k words · 57 2 · 1.4k views
- anonymousjedi · 1.8k words · 35 4 · 2.6k views
- twience · 2.5k words · 52 6 · 2.2k views
Featured In21
Shipping đ11,675 stories ·9,744 members
The Fillyfoolers3,948 stories ·3,490 members
The Writers' Group56,452 stories ·9,300 members
Humanized Ponies!5,597 stories ·3,468 members
RariJack537 stories ·1,945 members
Applejack2,129 stories ·1,771 members
- Organized Shipping (Most Common)2,159 stories ·1,332 members
- F/F ships2,907 stories ·1,412 members
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Stats
Page generated in 0.094 seconds
Total duration
846 users online
699,234 hits today, 2,139,894 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Right, I saw you in the I just want comments group, and thought I could help.
Those two quotes show a small, tiny, problem that can make a big difference. To start, that first sentence had only two periods in it, way too little. Two things too do, separate it into multiple paragraphs, or add periods instead of commas.
âApplejack and Rarity took their younger sisters; Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom, alongside their friend Scootaloo to the park,â
Now, this should be a complete sentence, and not have a comma. That one period would make the entire paragraph look better, making it seem more like separate ideas than a run-on scentince.
Also, a pet peeve of mine, you could have said âIt was a nice, sunny summers day in Canterlot.â And that feels more discrptive and less drawn out than whatâs there. But, this could be how you write, and Iâm absolutely fine with that, it just bothers me a bit.
And with the second quote, a actually big problem is shown. In that paragraph, two characters are talking, this is incorrect. Characters talking should always be separated into different paragraphs to make things less confusing.
Honestly, I donât enjoy most romance stories, Iâm more of an âhero on epic journey of epicness!â Or âsee this person or thing out of its comfort zone, and see what happens.â And definitely a, âWhy am I reading this? I donât know whatâs going on, but is random and hilarious!â Type guy.
But this, this was good, and I look forward to seeing more stories from you.
Well, that took what? Like, 10 minutes? Really? The troubles of writing on a tablet.
Wish ya luck, and rapid pen strokes, Chem Test.
Your writing itself will probably improve with time, if you commit to it. The biggest issues with this story are typical for new writers. They're detail and pacing. It's never satisfying to jump into a ship, only to have the characters fall in love on a whim, and out of nowhere. Writing a great shipfic will usually require developing a connection between the characters, giving the reader a reason to form a relationship with the material, and to instill emotion in both the text and the reader. All of this can be accomplished with more descriptions of the characters' feelings and the setting, and with more time taken for the romance to develop.
I did not, however, dislike the story itself. It has all the pieces required to be a great, heartwarming fic. You did alright here- considerably better than some new writers I've seen-, and you can make it all even better by learning more about pacing and detail
8826961
I do agree with the stuff you have pointed out, which is why i wasnt exactly sure about doing it/publishing it at first, but i am the kind of guy that doesnt like to my waste my work even if i am not sure if it will work or not. Maybe the fact this is the first romantic story i have written may contribute to some of the issues, as most stories i have written are mostly action oriented, so i do have stuff to learn when it comes to doing romantic stories and i do hope i can get better in the future.
Thanks for your feedback :)
8826597
Yeah i do end up putting alot of comas on almost everything i write, but i am trying to slowly realize when i should and should not post comas and your tips will help me with that for sure.
And with the characters diaogue being seperated, thanks too for that tip, i am mostly used to writting in "script format" rather than in "novel format", but since we are not allowed to write in script format i had to get out of my comfort zone, so i have alot to learn when it comes to writting in novel format.
Thanks for the feedback and glad you liked it :)
8827093
Itâs good that you listen, the only true fools are the ones who deny and choose not to learn.
8827111
Yeah, i not someone that will ignore what people say, i love to get feedback/criticism to know what i did right and what i did wrong in order to improve down the line, for example i make Transformers and Marvel stop motion films, but if someone is available i always send them my scripts before i work on them so they/he/she can provide feedback so i can improve the story or later stories
I love a good RariJack story!
itâs not a bad Story it was a fairly decent one I can see potential in you becoming better over time the only thing that bothered me were the obvious spelling errors however they werent that bad I could still see what you meant so I could look over this detail.
However I might think others may think otherwise.
This isn't a bad story. They're just many grammatical and spelling errors that are common in new writers. I can assure you that with time and practice, quality will improve. I really did enjoy it though!