- Member Since 8th Feb, 2018
- offline last seen February 16th
riicky83
Sunset Shimmer is my dream girl.
riicky83
Joined 8th Feb, 2018 ·
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Title should be - Trixie's Revenge: Part 1
Title of the first chapter should be - Applejack's Late Swimming Goes Wrong.
Apostrophes and capitalisation! Still, I shall read on...
You need to turn this into an editor. Capitals in the wrong place, missing punctuation, some lines starting with no capital letters, miss-spaced paragraphs...
It's tough to read.
8727328
Sorry about that Dusk this was my first story I've written so far and I did run it through a few things to help with the grammar which they must've missed.
Just to let you know I suffer from Autism so i'm still learning but with something I either take longer or need a different approach on it.
Thanks for the advice though i'll try to improve on what I can.
What does ENF stand for?
8730860
ENF is short for Embarrassed Nude Female.
There are plenty of fetishes that is often abbreviated like CFNM aka Clothed Female Nude Male ect.
The whole shard thing felt forced
8731778
Forced how?, i hope you don't mind me asking that.
8732477
Like you put it in solely to make a excuse for the events that took place and to end the story clean slate with everyone forgetting what happened making it feel like a hallow and have no repercussions or payoffs. In short the characters are mostly the same state they where before the story started so the events had no purpose.
8733871
Oh I see.
I kinda did that as I wanted to make the next chapter with Trixie have her revenge on a different girl, no everyone will forget as Trapp when he regains consciousness will have some memories from it .
So while its the end for now it might not be a true end yet as i might do more but as for now I'd like to shift my focus from Applejack to another girl and maybe have the karma circle come back to Trixie later
The next few that i'm kinda thinking for this one will mostly be between Trapp and Applejack but Trixie might still have some things to say if she happens to be free from getting revenge on one of the others.
8733889
You could still have done that with out the memory loss or magic maybe even had Trixie use Applejack to draw in or trick the others in to a trap. Heck she could have even used the rainbooms as bait to draw in the dazzlings for full revenge. The magic effect making her do what she did then erasing it felt more hurtful to the story as whole then helpful.
8733922
Well I could use the fact there are more shards around but outside of that my brain came to stop for now
8734049
Yeah that's the point your taking responsibility away from the characters
Subtle
This mistake is repeated elsewhere
https://www.fimfiction.net/group/27/]The Proofreader Group
Here in the USA, schools don't usually do half days. It's usually the full day off or nothing. We do have "teacher's days" + various holidays when the school would be closed