A New Hive

Clopfics11,546 stories ·15,814 members

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Comments ( 7 )

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Prismfire Productions

Prismfire Productions #1 · Dec 18th, 2017 · 3 · ·

this moved along way too fast with no good backstory to it

Crescent Glaive

Crescent Glaive #2 · Dec 18th, 2017 · · ·

That was a minute of my life i wish i could take back.....

TheOPcharacterWriter

TheOPcharacterWriter #3 · Dec 18th, 2017 · · ·

This is a very not succesful comedy, I recomend deleting this story, reforging it, and reposting with changed names and earn likes

DAMN HAMSTER

DAMN HAMSTER #4 · Dec 18th, 2017 · 2 · ·

This was just...no.

8617444
Your comment, while technically correct, was written worse than the story itself.

LegionofPony

LegionofPony #5 · Dec 19th, 2017 · 1 · ·

You asked for my opinion and criticism on this story, so you shall receive both.

Overall, the idea for this story is good, but the execution is really bad and amateurish. The structuring and word choices were lacking (there are questions to the reader, which is a general no-no), all dialogue feels bland and lifeless, and there's a strong lack of details.

Some examples:

Guess who..? Simple! It was the bug horse, Queen of the Hive, it was,”CHRYSALIS!!”

Yeah, this is pretty bad.

“I am gonna use you to breed me and make more changelings! Bugs! This is gonna be fun,” she shouted.

What is their obsession with saying 'Bugs!' randomly?

Then she showed me her pussy craving sex. Next, she gave me the cue to lick it then my dick slowly popped out of its sheath. Then started to lick it so it could reach it’s full erect length.

This feels extremely robotic; don't be afraid to use complex sentences. Put some feeling into it! What do her mouth and tongue feel like? Is she doing anything special with her tongue, or is her tongue itself special? Details!

I got the cue and thrusted my dick right up against her womb and together with our magic we got a wing boner and a green magical aurora came out in sparks as we came together.

Use. Commas. Also, use paragraphs appropriately. Each paragraph is one thought or event, not five.

Here's a tip: let me know what they're feeling, what they're thinking. How does Antenna feels about impregnating the queen over and over again, and being the only one who can help form a new hive with her: the sire to hundreds to thousands of changelings? What do her insides feel like over his cock; is she warm or cold inside? How does Chryssie feel while being bred and her eggs fertilized?

Overall, this gets a 4/10: below average, but not a terrible start to make something better from. As TheOPcharacterWritter suggested, make some huge improvements, get an experienced editor, then take this down and then upload it again with a new name. If you need some examples for detailed and anatomical clop writing, check out my stories, or perhaps some from TheInnerLewd (who writes excellent changeling/oviposition stories) or Xenopony (whom I've helped cowrite and edit his clop stories, some of which contain oviposition).

Tiny Branch