- Member Since 28th Aug, 2017
- offline last seen Jul 26th, 2018
Tiny Branch
Hi! I Love Creepypastas! Romances! And Comedy! And most of all Derpy!
Tiny Branch
Joined 28th Aug, 2017 ·
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- RoyalCanterlotVoice98 · 5k words · 32 4 · 2.6k views
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Ever heard of Infertile Sex?
had sparyed a special Rainbow Falls colone
(sprayed)
aroma was the smell comyfrom her
(coming from)
I smelled her mind control ping heat and my colone
(being or in? )
See then hugged me and shouted,”Yay! Awesome!”
(She not See)
She was slowly whereing off the drunk
(wearing)
she was shut off by me forcing hmy cock
(my)
true she before she asked me out told me this
(true love? )
it was a game of cupture the flag.
(capture)
Okay I've found enough typos that it makes it very hard to read, might want to get a proofreader to look over this further.
Jesus that description is a train wreck.
~Skeeter The Lurker
Ever heard of a editor?
Sorry, I was up all night trying to throw this together I may of missed those errors because I needed sleep.
My eyes are fucking bleeding.
I can see that you're a new writer to the site and you've been writing quite a lot. That's really great and you should definitely keep it up. My main critique would be that I think you should try to read some of these things out loud. The line I quoted here. Nobody talks like this. It would be really awkward demeaning and kind of gross.
I know that you're trying for a sexy story and all that good stuff but the dialog is so forced, I can't help but hear them talking like robots to each other in my head.
So yeah. Try for some more fluid dialog and I'd suggest trying for a bit more subtlety as well. I hope you continue writing. Practice makes perfect after all ;)
Other than some spelling errors I really liked it. A suggestion for the next stories I hope you write, ask one of your followers or somebody to look over it quickly and make suggestions. I really liked it though, it was a good story
jesus h christ! how horrifying!
8622129
Great advice. Reading things out loud helps a lot to iron out issues in prose in general, and dialogue in specific. It wasn't until I started reading fics to my wife out loud that I really noticed how much of a difference speaking out loud makes compared to reading silently. I now read all of my fics out loud to myself while I'm editing.
It was really pissing me off that people werent giving you actual critisim but im glad you got some. Keep on writing!
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Thank you all!
I believe its called an orgasm
or was that just dialogue cuz she's drunk and hes a virgin and barely understands sex
Nice use of onomatopoeia though
As others mentioned, some spelling errors. It was a good idea though