a mindless clopfic about a girlycolt

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Comments ( 10 )

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Sorren

Sorren #1 · Nov 21st, 2017 · 3 · ·

This could do with some polish. In a story that is only just shy of 1900 words, you say "the colt" 45 times. That's 90, words. 5% of this entire story is "the colt." Also, in general, you want to avoid tildes in narrative. It looks tacky. I understand that you purposefully avoided using names here, but I think it did you a disservice. I'm also confused as to why you keep referring to "the colt" as "they" when it is rather clearly defined that he's male. I don't understand the point of using a gender-ambiguous pronoun on a character that is sexually defined.

AriaStormshine

AriaStormshine #2 · Nov 21st, 2017 · · ·

8563696
The use of "they" is mostly just a habit I need to work on.I'm just used to typing it that way. Of course, any critique helps add to my notes for later, so thanks.

Mischievous Blue

Mischievous Blue #3 · Nov 21st, 2017 · · ·

I actually liked this story, despite the fact that I don't read much clop or fanfics at all any more. As mentioned, the use of "they," "themselves," and likewise wordage should be changed to the appropriate pronouns. Also, it's extremely unsafe to cover up or plug the mouth and leave for extended periods of time, and can lead to death if something unexpected comes up. Other than that, cute story, and I hope your writing improves.
-MB-

mapu

mapu #4 · Nov 21st, 2017 · 1 · ·

You should replace "the" in the colt with a descriptor, Or in some places just skipped, or replaced with some other word. You can use words like equine, give character a name. Also in some places you use word "it" when word "that" or "whilst" would fit in better. And you use word "They" more than once in a sentence, you should replace one of them with a action ending with an -ing, or something like that.

Also it be nice if you showed the emotions with body language, instead of typing them out, but I understand that is hard to pull of with ponies.

All and all decent story, the only problem is repetition of words and not using enough synonyms and descriptors, making it seem more repetitive, and less descriptive than it could be. I hope you write more, and maybe get a beta reader, that goes over things like that.

Mix-up

Mix-up #5 · Nov 22nd, 2017 · · ·

It was an interesting story.

pnylvr123

pnylvr123 #6 · Nov 27th, 2017 · · ·

love to hear more. It made me smile and i loved reading this

AyanamiRei

AyanamiRei #7 · Jan 10th, 2018 · · ·

This could use a sequel

DezzarTac

DezzarTac #8 · Feb 16th, 2019 · · ·

I can't say anything that hasn't already been said. Check your grammar and diversify your diction. You posted this work over a year ago, and apparently went inactive just before a year after. I hope you didn't quit writing out of hurt from criticism; most do mean well, despite being quite mean as well.

pnylvr123