- Member Since 8th Aug, 2017
- offline last seen Saturday
Popcorn Pony
Where you come from can say a lot more about you than where you are...
Popcorn Pony
Joined 8th Aug, 2017 ·
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Popcorn Pony · 1.4k words · 173 views
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Thanks for sharing this! It was quite interesting. Might need an edit pass to clean up some inadvertent word substitutions, but there's enough here that's interesting that I'm curious where it's going (e.g. how the title character knows Winona by name when she's apparently a newcomer, why she has decided to stop flipping houses and settle down—and, indeed, how she intends to live when she's abandoning the one thing she identifies as her career...)
Probably best to not post a whole novel at once. It's okay (and in some cases ideal) to finish the novel and then release it serially.
8408691
Hello Skywriter. Thank you for Sharing your thoughts. First,Pocornia does not know Winona. What actually happened was while I was transitioning my sample from paper to Fimfiction. I forgot to include a sentence which described Pocornia looking at Winona's dog collar...It was a mistake on my part and I'm sorry if that confused you.
I hope you are interested in future chapters and would consider providing more insight.
Sincerely, Popcorn Pony.
8410015
It's okay! I just thought it was mysterious but I guess it was an oversight. Best of luck in continuing to produce!
The bit with the spider is a little weirdly macabre, and leaves me wanting to know more. Sorry to hear you're pressed for time lately!
Okay, an additional comment, since it seems like you've added to the part; something about Fluttershy seems "off" here, maybe? I mean, canonical Flutters is perhaps the pony we've seen be totally cool about spiders, and yes, you're setting up this is a very dangerous spider, but something about her fear reaction seems... unwarranted. If anything, she should be afraid for Popcorn, rather than quaking in her horseshoes as you show here.
Yes, I'll believe it about all the other ponies in town.
8849454
Hi Skywriter.
I thought about what you said regarding Fluttershy and realized your right about her reaction towards Pocornia's Spider. I think how Fluttershy thinks, talks and interprets information can be a little tricky to write. I don't remember what episode it was off the top of my head, but I re-watched an episode of MLP where Fluttershy tells Maud Pie about a Spider that approached them.
I've been toying around with whether or not to re-write that particular part of Chapter 2, but I don't think I will because I've just about finished the first draft of chapter 3. I don't know how fast professional writers are supposed to write during their day to day lives, but I'm trying to write as fast as I can while maintaining a certain degree of quality and keeping life-related stuff in check.
Thanks for your continued interest in my story. I think Chapter 3 will be really fun for the reader, but I don't want to say why I think that. No Spoilers!
8862490
Looking forward to it!
Okay, I didn't see that coming.
9066303
Didn't see what coming?
9067742
All the grimness!
9067753
Ah, yeah...I took a very (Hot and cold) approach while planning this story and that will become more evident as more chapters are released.
Removed an error I found while reviewing this Chapter. 1/29/2019
Very good. Well done.
Can’t wait to read it.
Well, I finally got around to reading this story of yours. I apologise for taking so long to deliver the promised feedback, but with everything that’s been going on, I lacked either the time to read or the will to do so. But enough about that.
I’ve finished reading this chapter, and, to be honest, I don’t think I’m going to read on. Now, I’ll be blunt and brutally honest. This story is not good. It’s not exactly bad either—I’ve seen far worse—but it’s far from something that I’d call an enjoyable and interesting read.
First off, this chapter is riddled with dozens upon dozens of typos, grammar errors, random capitalisation of some words, missing or mixed-up words (most recurring being probably its/it’s), missing or incorrectly used punctuation, many direct speech issues, and some rough or odd wording. I won’t go into more detail about the individual issues here, but if you wish, I can elaborate on them in a separate comment or PM. Despite all this, the story is still readable, but it’s not exactly a pleasant read, and it’s obvious that this story wasn’t edited properly. That’s a major turn-off for a lot of people, which might explain why this story’s got so little attention over the years, especially given the glaring its/it’s issue present in the very first paragraph. (On a side note, it’s also a bit weird to refer to the pony as ‘it’ at first. Going with ‘she‘ or ‘they’ would be better.) Still, I don’t think faulty grammar and spelling is the chapter’s biggest downfall.
What I see as the most serious issue of this chapter is its style and the way you handle the atmosphere, pacing, and tension. I know that this chapter is old, and it’s possible that what I’m going to list below was remedied in the later chapters, but in the grand scheme of things, that doesn’t matter. If the opening’s faulty, nobody’s going to stick around to see the rest, no matter how great it might be. I like to liken a story to a house; you might be able to build a grand mansion, but if there’s something wrong with its foundation, it’s going to fall apart no matter what. Now, what’s truly wrong with this chapter is that it just comes over as bland and uninteresting. All of it, except for the few paragraphs of Pocornia’s nightmare, sounds like this: A character went down a road. Then the character reached a crossroads and went down another road. The character walked up to a house. It looked like that and that and also that. The character went inside. Another character approached her. That made the character happy.
Can you see how it just drones on, without evoking any kind of emotion or interest in the reader? That’s something that should never happen. Try to play with sentence length and structure a little to alter the pace with which the story moves forward, let your character react to what is going on around her in greater detail, and try to show how she feels (through her body language and behaviour) instead of plainly stating it. All this will help make the story feel alive and, if executed well, get the readers invested in the plot. Furthermore, watch out for dialogues that comes over as stiff, robotic and just all around unnatural. This can be fixed by some rephasing and restructuring, as well as the addition of some non-verbal action. You already have some here and there, but a bit more is needed to really make it work.
This brings me to the last major issue that I noticed. While the story seems to have some direction and manages to set up a possible future conflict—Pocornia’s nighmares and the possibility of her losing the cabin in the auction, I presume—it does all of this in a very slice-of-life-y manner. That‘s not really a problem per se, I can see that actually making for a rather good story. However, a cursory glance at the story’s front page reveals the Horror, Thriller, and Mystery tags, while Slice of Life is nowhere to be seen. The Mystery tag might come into play later, that’s really hard to judge at the moment, but this story’s definitely neither a horror, nor a thriller. Both of these genres are built upon extensive work with the story’s pacing, which in turn affects the tension and suspense the readers feel. The only attempt at gradually rising tension that I noticed in this chapter was Pocornia looking for her “kitty” (a nice twist, by the way), and that’s definitely not enough to justify this being tagged as thriller. The issue with this tags is also the fact that they are promising something that should be present thorough the whole story—constantly high tension with just the occasional calmer moment serving as a breather. In other words, the horror/thriller genre should be apparent almost from the get-go. A good story, regardless of its genre, hooks the audience’s attention and indicates what it is going to be like in the first few sentences or paragraphs (ideally). If it fails to do so, it’s either going to annoy the readers who expected the genre they’ve been promised, or it’s going to turn people away after rapidly shifting tone some time later.
And that’s all I’ve got to say at the moment, feel free to inquire further if you have some additional questions or if you want me to elaborate a bit more on anything that was unclear. I hope that this mini-review of sorts will help you become a better writer and turn this into a great fic. It definitely has the potential to become one.
10420880
First, thanks for reading and for giving me your honest opinion of my writing skills. They were very weak at the time of writing this chapter and I have made plans to edit the entire novel when it's finished. With that said, I think I show a little more "writing competence" in later chapters versus what is shown in this chapter. Still...I have known for quite awhile that I am a flawed writer and I look for ways to improve my writing skills whenever I can.
Secondly, I want to elaborate on the choice of tags. The horror, mystery and thriller elements become much more noticeable later on in the story. I spent a lot of time setting things up in the first and second chapter and then I let the flood gates open in chapter 3. I always suggest that readers give the story up to chapter 3 before they decide to either stick with it or give up on it. Naturally, I would like to suggest the same to you provided you would be willing to give Popcorn a chance to redeem itself. I don't want you to feel like I am asking you to do a chore because my intent with this novel has always been to entertain people, but I also don't want you to close the door on it too quickly.
Finally, there is so much to unpack in your comment that it will take my some time to fully grasp everything you pointed out to me. I just had a tooth extracted a few days ago and am on pain meds so my ability to comprehend things right now is impaired, but I will sit down with a notepad and draw more conclusions on your advice. If you don't mind, I would like to message you privately to pick your brain a little bit. However, I can't do this until later as I just took a pain med prior to checking Popcorn.
10421218
You're welcome, I'm glad I could help a little bit. I'm also sorry to hear about your tooth extraction and the meds messing with your brain--take as long as you need. I'll keep it short here and talk to you more in a PM, but allow me just a few words about the tags and such:
Whenever I read through a story with the intent of reviewing it, I always try to mimic how a very patient reader would behave. I won't sugarcoat it, I had to force myself to read through the last two thirds of this chapter. In other words, I don't think that subjecting the audience to reading through another two chapters the length of this one before the story really picks up is a sensible thing. To elaborate a bit on what I have said in my previous comment, the immediate story set-up should happen within the first few paragraphs, with the rest of the essential information coming up in the next thousand words or so tops. A set-up the length of about fifteen thousand words (a quarter of the story's current length!) is not going to cut it--plus, as I stated before, it has the unfortunate side effect of you setting up a slice of life story, rather than preparing the readers for something scary yet to come. We can also discuss story mechanics once you're feeling a bit better, if you want.
Lastly, I didn't mention it before, but I also read through chapter 13 to give the newer chapters a chance. The sentence structure and general flow of the story have gotten a bit better, though sadly it sounds just as flat and monotone as this chapter. Which is a pity, given that, judging by that chapter's content, it was supposed to be something that'd make my hair stand on end.
10421787
Ah, I see.
I just woke up so I will message you after my head clears up. Thanks again for your feedback, some of the observations you have made never would have occurred to me. It is almost like when you write something yourself, you get tunnel vision and things just don't stick out to you. I'll need to find someone willing to edit Popcorn for me or perhaps I should pay someone to do it.
When I have the right frame of mind, I am going to take all of the comments you have made and write out everything for a analysis. I really do appreciate it.
The feels. You really got a good handle at presenting emotions.
10695089
Yeah, this chapter was pretty intense for Pocornia.
I love Pocornia. She seems like a really nice mare to hang out with. Good to hear she found a friend in Fluttershy. I’m always happy to read about my favorite pony.
I don’t like spiders…
10904950
I am so glad to hear that someone has picked up this story from the beginning! I am currently working on the last chapter, thank you so much for your comment and interest. Pocornia is defintely a interesting character put into a very complicated situation.
10905936
I’ll be reading a chapter per night so you can expect a comment from me.
After reading some of the other comments it seems that the story is quite entertaining.
I noticed some typos but it’s ok since everything was understandable. No one is perfect and this IS the perfect way to practice and learn.
This story is really enjoyable so far. I can feel you are pouring a lot of care and detail in constructing something worthwhile.
I love to read really long stories because you can lost yourself in every detail and recreate it your head to build it just like the author imagined it. This one has the potential to be quite amazing with such a lovely main character.
10906127
The writing quality will improve as you go along through the novel. I plan to have chapter 16 up as soon as I can. Also, there will be some epilouge chapters after chapter 16 to setup some details for the sequel.
This chapter introduces new characters like Rarity and the mysterious entity that appears at the end in such a natural way. I like that.
I’m pretty sure I would have reacted the same way that Fluttershy did upon meeting Kitty (Anne Frank's diary reference, perhaps?) and the way that Pocornia introduces him wasn’t exactly careful, taking into account that Kitty is THE most dangerous type of spider for being the most venomous one in all of Equestria. A little heads up would have been nice. Something like: Ok, don’t freak out. I have my pet inside my bag right now and it’s a really big spider.
Rarity is such a interesting character to add to any story in my opinion since her dramatic demeanor can add to any comedy or horror oriented kind of story in a natural and convincing way if you can make it work and feel believable.
So far I’m enjoying this a lot.
Oh my god! Where to begin. I love this chapter so much!
All about the dream and the wild chase make little to no sense at the beginning (just like a real dream would, that part was fantastic!) all the way until the messenger, The Dark Pony, appears. Everything until the moment they arrived at the theater drags a bit more than necessary and feels kind of sluggish. In other words, the story transition from the forest to the theater was lackluster, but it's the only part that drops it in all the chapter.
This chapter escalates things so quickly (I didn't see that coming, and that's a good thing) and submit the events in a mysterious but practical way. It's all happening in her dreams/nightmares without her perceiving at the beginning and that's a great way to add dramatic tension. Her mind is pulling up all her emotions (her guilt, above all) and memories and they are kicking in and yelling at her "IT'S ME!".
I love the idea of having all the musician ponies in one place, but there was hardly any interaction between all of them and Pocornia.
Both Pocornia and Sapphire Shores acted so wrong about the issues of their relationship obstacles. Like, it made me feel like they didn't even cared for each other to begin with after rereading how they talked and expressed three times.
You would've handled the discussion between those two a little different, but maybe this is for the better, misunderstandings and conflicts makes for a more entertaining novel.
I was waiting for the emotional "What about us? What about our feelings? Don't they matter?... What does it matter to you?... Do I matter?" all while gently placing her wing on Sapphire's hoof.
That's a really awful thing to say (maybe "for US" would've been more emotional than "for YOU" in that paragraph, I guess?) but it is understandable judging everything that's transpiring at that moment, it's natural that all her emotions are flailing wildly.
Bottom line, amazing work! I'll keep on reading every night. (Sorry for any misspellings. English is not my first language.)
10907260
The feedback is much appreciated and I do see how the wording becomes a problem between Sapphire and Pocornia, but I can't really say what I want to say yet on that note.
The details about the way events all unfolded, I defintely do think that some of the earlier chapters in this novel were a bit wordy at times and there were a few moments where it dragged on. Obviously, that being a reflection of my lack of writing experience at the time. Later chapters do improve tho I am sure they too have other areas that need work. My hope is to go back and fix many of the errors I didn't catch in my editing phase at the time of upload after I finish the novel.
See, I'm trying to watch what I say because I really, really, really appreciate that you are taking the time to offer your feedback on the story...You are incredibly vocal and having someone share their perspective really helps me improve more than I ever could on my own. I don't want to comment on too many things because I don't want to inadvertantly give away a detail before you read it for yourself.
Again, thank you so much and I really look forward to reading your next piece of feedback.
I'll be honest with you, this one is a hard one to digest. Let me try and explain.
There is way to many details for almost everything, and the reader can find that hurtful to read. There were some parts of the chapter that simply lost me and I had to read the entire paragraph again to fully understand what was happening.
Here are some examples of what I would call, rule number 1, less is more:
Oddly specific. Is that detail really necessary for the reader to know? If not, you need to describe the scenery in another way to not confuse the reader. You made me remember that detail (thirty headstones) all the chapter and, well, it was for nothing. You can phrase it like this:
It feels more mysterious, and the reader understands that whats happening is just the author setting up the mood and not a puzzle the reader has to remember, because I believe it's not a puzzle, right?
Another example for rule number 1 is the scenic description of Octavia and her friends walking through Fillydelphia's streets:
Show, don't tell. This was a perfect opportunity for Photo Finish to show/describe the landscape exercising her own words and talent in photography. She is the perfect character knowing that she loves fashion (probably art too) and glamour instead of the writer describing the mall surroundings.
You can use scenic description to describe more than just the scene. Make the reader feel the mood, not just read it, like my example with the tombstones. You can use the weather as an example too or maybe Octavia's actions when she is afraid (She pulled her white collar, adorned by a pink bow-tie, lightly, grasping for air. A muffled laugh escapes her mouth; she always does that whenever she felt scared or nervous)
Ok, enough about that. Next stuff:
I know that you can use "guys" for both genders but "Hey girls," would have sound better, they are all girls after all. And taking into consideration that this is Equestrian, where female population seems to be larger and from this youtube vid you can see that "Hey girls," would make more sense.
Next, Chekhov's gun:
I believe this one speaks for itself. Just always keep it in mind. It doesn't apply to this chapter, but try to remember it. Your readers will feel more encourage to continue reading if everything that happens makes sense at some point and is exciting and interesting (I know this is a mystery novel, but that doesn't mean that it needs to be hard to follow)
Lastly:
I knew that Princess Luna was going to show up at some point. She can cast some light and meaning regarding the nightmares and offer some leads.
Bottom line:
To be 100% honest. The first two chapters of the story are my favorite ones. This one had barely any dialogue and that really scared some readers for what I can see. Characters need to be more than just actors in the scenes. They need to feel alive. We love to connect with them. We love the characters. We love Octavia, Songbird, Photo. We love Pocornia and Fluttershy. We want to read them and hear what they have to say. Dialogue is important, alright?
Keep up the good work! (Perdon for any misspellings. It took me 4 hours to write all of this)
10908624
I see a lot of that in this chapter, your feedback really hits the nail on the head here. I feel bad because the "Show don't tell rule" is something I do better now, but obviously didn't do too well back then. I also think I didn't know how to pace this idea which made it worse. The diolouge was a struggle too. Alot of these earlier chapters need to be reworked, this one in particular.
I'm not sure why I went with "Hey guys" but that will fixed today.
Ok, I like this chapter better. More dialogue and exposition between key characters make the reader feel the story is moving forward. That's good!
Fluttershy is here again! Yay!
There are some parts that need a little more work but overall, everything is great. I understood all that was happening without having to reread entire paragraphs this time.
She is actually demanding Pocornia to introduce herself more than just saying/asking considering the tone she used.
Equestria is a diarchy (coregency) not a monarchy, both princesses corule the entire place. To call Princess Luna a monarch is not necessarily correct.
The keyword here is "for" today. If you are asking what the person plans to do today, then "planned for today" apply. If you want to know if they have any plans for today or for tomorrow or next week, then "planned today" is the best formulation. Also, "you and I", not "me and you".
This is how I would fix it.
Ok, transition here is almost non-existent. Lets try to add more flavor.
Transitions, you can make them feel natural by throwing a little conversation every now and then. Give something for the characters to talk/do while moving them from place to place.
I'm just being picky here.
Lastly, the last 2 paragraph sound weird. Try and read the dialogue and actions by yourself and tell me if it does or doesn't sound unnatural and out of order.
These dialogues sound more natural to me. What's your opinion?
At the end of all, it is a nice chapter. I'm having fun reading. Keep up the good work!
Great chapter, good balance between dialogue and description, but not enough Pocornia
Couple mistakes here and there, but nothing to impactful that hurt the chapter.
Some of the points I illustrated in other chapters are still present here. I'm not going to dwell in those points.
Let's begin:
Wait... what was the smell? It wasn't mentioned again after entering the elevator. What was it?
Remember Chekhov's gun. If you say there is a foul odor, it is necessary to show what it was about. You got me thinking that possibly she would discover a corpse or something.
How did she know it was a pony? You can use parenthetical commas to add more information to sentences. If you use commas, word order can become very flexible and with this you can add more emphasis to certain words or action the characters are doing. Or you can also use adjectives. Something like this:
Here, in a dramatic moment, everything was described too fast. Needs more pacing to describe what is happening. Use that window to add more tension and anxiety.
A period here to add more clarity.
Their (possessive pronoun) and They're (They are)
Two words out of order here: (things, can) Also "you and I", not "me and you"
Bottom line:
Surely Vinyl will deduce that Pocornia is hiding something after running away like that.
Let us hope that nothing bad happens to Rara in her way back to the station.
I'm still waiting for Princess Luna to do something about the Dark Pony. I'm sure is going to be great.
Thanks for a nice read!
10910913
The relationship between Luna and the Dark Pony defintely gets interesteing.
I read through this just now and am trying to figure out how I missed certain things...Toad/Bullfrog (Same character.)
How did I screw that up?
Stuff that I have pointed out before still happens in this chapter but it's less frequent.
I noticed some typos like: gnetly, Poconria's, dimiisnehd, has hidden (hides), eachothers, darness, appearaence and certainity, just to mention a few of them.
Filthy Rich is also involved in this somehow. It feels like things are going south for our friends and there are no clues as to what is really happening.
Luna is yet to reveal any information she knows about the Dark Pony. I know she is going to be important. Perhaps she'll help Rara overcome her fears and rejoin her friends in their search for Pocornia? Maybe look after the girls in the Dream World and protect them from the Dark Pony? We'll have to wait and see.
Overall, great chapter. Pocornia has a lot to explain to her friends once she is finally cornered. Hope everything works out for her in the end. Thanks for the nice read.
10916927
Yes, I agree. Much work will need to be done after the last chapter is writen. Don't feel obligated to point out details if you don't want to. At this point in the story, I just want you to enjoy the next major twist which starts unraveling in chapter 9. This chapter and 8 was a setup section, obviously context is needed (and chapter 8 is a tad messy.) but the next major story element is much better.
Uh oh! Everpony are making their move. Things are getting tough. The Werewolves, the Toad, Princess Luna and the Dark Pony are ready for a big clash.
For a moment I thought that Pocornia would have to answer Fluttershy's questions, but she vanished right in front of her. Poor Kitty, always left behind.
Thanks for a nice read!
Uh! Vinyl dropping the big bomb! How did she know? What does Celestia knows? She gives the impression of being certain that Pocornia didn't murder Sapphire Shores.
I don't understand why Princess Luna allows the Dark Pony to threaten her like that and do nothing. I'm sure there is going to be a big fight between two old enemies after that comment about Princess Celestia.
Octavia's warrior side seems to melt right with her character. Pocornia sure owes her a huge one after that ruthless fight against the Toad.
Did Octavia walked into the Spirit World or she was summoned there by someone or something?
Great chapter. A long read with a little bit of everything, but there will never be enough Fluttershy.
Thanks for the read!
Many important things happened at the background without any details and are presented as if those events weren't important. It feels like the writer is skipping a lot of significant information but not in a good way.
How did Octavia make her way back to the hospital? If she was in the Spirit World, (a place that Princess Luna seems to be unable to access) who helped her if she was badly injured like you made it sound in the hospital scene?
Songbird said that Princess Luna visited her physically and told her to "look for someone important to Pocornia." It seems like Princess Luna knows more that she let on. I would have loved to read that conversation. That could have been an excellent chance to establish Songbird's nature as a loving and kind-hearted friend through her expressions and actions while discussing with Princess Luna about Pocornia and the Dark Pony (and maybe give us a few answers or hints about what's trully happening). Likewise, this dialogue took place offstage, and it is an important event that wasn't presented to the reader but as a statement.
Sapphire is alive? There are so many questions and few answers that somehow seem wrong.
This is a good mystery that needs solving. I want to know what really happened that day that Pocornia and Sapphire Shores argued.
I apologize if you believe that my observations are a little bit blunt or rude, that's not my intention at all when I write these comments. The truth is, I actually like this story. I'm just trying to point out stuff that probably other readers will also find confusing as I did.
Overall, thanks for a nice read.
10923658
I think the mistake I made was I thought if I over-explained certain things then I thought the reader would feel like they were being talked down to which is a terrible way for a writer to engage with their audience. Maybe the opposite is true and I should have better explained certain things, I will re-evaluate this when I go back to edit the novel start to finish.
It looks like all is going well for the girls. Thanks to Octavia's encouraging words, Pocornia was able to hold her voice and pull through.
The Dark Pony true goals are still not clear and that can turn the table at the last moment. Let's hope that everything goes well.
I still believe that Princess Luna needs to explain who the Dark Pony is.
Thanks for a nice read.
10926235
Next chapter is a short one, but provides a clue to your question yet not a full answer. Luna V Dark Pony is a slow burn that leads to a very big boom.
Chapter 16 is going to take a lot of work on my part, I don't want it to come across as underpowered. I'm going to a shop in the morning to work on it for a bit.
They escaped! Now Pocornia just need to realize that whatever the Dark Pony is planning for her is not going to help her find Sapphire. Somepony must inform her that Sapphire is back in Ponyville and leave the Spirit World before it's too late.
Princess Luna better gets ready that group/team that she seems to be assembling because Pocornia is getting closer to the orb.
I love how Princess Celestia gives me the impression that she wants nothing to do with what is happening. It is funny.
Thanks for the read.
10928549
Celestia wanting nothing to do with what is going on? Huh...that concerns me a bit, I didn't mean for it to come across that way. I thought it would be interpted as Celestia not having any influence over the dream & spirit world since that Luna is in charge of the dream world. Not that I am disheartened by the feedback, it just shows that I will need to reword some things when I go back to edit the entire novel.
Thanks again friend :)
Yup. Her dialogue feels kind of out of character. She tends to worry about everything concerning the safety of their subjects.
Perhaps adding more dialogue between her and Luna could help. Something like: “What can I do sister? I know I’m powerless to interfe but is there anything I can do to aid you?” and Luna says there is nothing she can think of right now. Celestia adds “Please, if there is anything, you have to tell me”
Now is just Pocornia against the Spirit World and all the traps it has prepared for her.
Time is running short now that she has found the orb. Her friends need to hurry up and rescue her before is to late.
I had the impression that Pocornia wasn’t supposed to scream for whatever reason yet she yelled a battle cry at one point. I’m not sure if it counts.
Thank you for a nice read!
10930095
I really worked hard on this chapter, I am glad you liked it.
So the Dark Pony wasn't interested in the orb, he wanted Pocornia to learn the truth about something important... or perhaps his goal is the orb and the truth she read in the book is something else entirely?
I'm confused about what Pocornia is doing and why. Are all the other places she visited using the portals real?
Princess Celestia made a brief appearance somehow, maybe she'll be able to stop Pocornia before it's too late.
Thanks for a nice read!
This chapter is so well paced, I love it.
For a moment I was scared that you'll go for the lame trope of "It was all a dream, you are in a coma", but thankfully I was wrong, you only hinted it for a brief scene. It felt like an inside joke, it made me laugh. Good job.
I didn't quite understand the part of Pocornia and the Cat about the question that she believes she had to answer. At least it worked for her in the end, so I guess she answered the question correctly? Perhaps I'm missing something here.
Honestly, this is a great and notable improvement from the last two chapters. The pace is better, the descriptions and dialogues are well executed and more orderly presented. The plot is actually going somewhere for a change. Characters feel more alive now, specifically the Wolf and Pocornia.
Weirdly enough I find the part of Pocornia and the false Sapphire really interesting and engaging. To bad it was too short. I know it was meant to be just another test for Pocornia, but it was cute seeing her so happy and relaxed. I think this could have been a great opportunity to add a slice of life mini story here, kind of like Wandavision did when Scarlet Witch thought she was living a normal and perfect life with Vision. I would have loved to read more of these two sharing some silly romantic moments together (even if everything was just a farce) while Sapphire tries to make Pocornia scream but fail comically. Just an idea I had.
Overall. Amazing work! This has been definitively your best chapter so far!
Thanks for the read!
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Cool, there is alot to unpack with the feedback on this chapter. I'm having a little bit of trouble quantifying some of the things you said. Um...how was the conversation between Pocornia and Sapphire? I mean...shes been tortured so much by the gauntlet's horrors and to resist the idea of giving up was suppose to reflect how commited she is to reaching the orb. It would have been so much easier just to scream...just to give in to the idea of things going back to normal. The temptation to lay down and surrender...
Perhaps my failing was implying those feelings, they were implied...I mean, tell me if I am right or wrong, but I have gotten the impression through your feedback that maybe what I might be struggling with is knowing when it is best to imply things and when it is best to directly state things. For a writer, the problem is if you over explain everything then the reader will get the impression that the writer thinks their too stupid to understand anything, but if the writer doesn't be direct then the reader could get confused. And...I feel like this has been a major tight rope that I have had to walk. Would this seem like an accurate interpitation because I want to fix this issue fast. That scene between Pocornia and Sapphire being a failure really bothers me, honestly...
Um, I do apologize, but I also want to pick your brain on what you said about the diolouge and how everything felt better paced and better executed. I want to compare and contrast past performance to this so that I can use this chapter as the prime example for future content. Quote:"The plot is going somewhere for a change?" I'm curious about this one too because I know I bounced around between perspectives alot since there were so many supporting characters in this story and the mystery elements involved, but...maybe...that worked against the overall novel more than it helped?
I do appreciate the feedback, this is all going to be so much help when I go back to fix things!
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Sure, I'll happily try and enrich my comment a little more. Let's start with the talk between Pocornia and Sapphire.
I enjoyed this chapter so much that I read it twice because of this scene in particular. All the details are so well crafted. From the hoof holding to the fragrant perfume that Pocornia comment about are elements well introduced, nice and memorable. It's stuff like this, the subtle and well-thought-out details, that makes me realize how much you have improve over the years. How much Pocornia and Sapphire really mean to each other (a clear improvement from the first chapters. I remember commenting something back then about how "They act like they don't even care about their relationship" or something like that, but after reading this chapter, I take it back)
This! This is so cute and pure, I love this. Her actions speak way more than words could ever do. She communicates a lot of different emotions by holding onto her like that, weakness, reliance, but more importantly, affection (physical signs of love). It makes her feel real. Actions and words working together as a team to express emotion so naturally. This is what I meant when I said that the dialogue and descriptions are skilfully executed and orderly presented. It's clear to anyone how much your writing skills have growth over the years. This is leagues way above your first chapters.
It's not that I wanted Pocornia to scream. I wanted her to act... weak and feel exhausted. In other words, more "human".
The scene between Pocornia and Sapphire wasn't a failure at all. I love it! Every single detail about it was really good! What I was trying to say is that I like it so much that I want more of Sapphire sweet talking to her because it was too short.
I hope I explained myself good enough.
About the "The plot is going somewhere for a change?" thingy. The last two chapters were slow and made me think that Pocornia was just running in circles. She went from test to test to test, just doing whatever and achieving nothing significant. The story felt stagnant and close to boring at some points, but this chapter with Pocornia's talk with Sapphire, her finding the orb and escaping the mausoleum ultimately moves the story forward and allows other elements and mysteries unsolved to take the central stage. Who is the Dark Pony? What does he want? What are the other girls doing? Are Princess Celestia and Princess Luna going to participate directly now that the Dark Pony its about to receive the orb from Pocornia? How is Sapphire?
I'm deeply invested in this story. Please, do not hesitate to write more because I for sure would love to read what comes next.