Chapter 4
She was in a graveyard. Spread out before her across a circular open area were about thirty headstones of varied sizes and shapes. Curiously, even though it was night, the area was bathed in light intense enough for her to see them. The headstones stood as silent watchmen, a gaze she only perceived terminally focused in one direction. A thin fog gently weaved about, close to the ground from which the headstones spawned.
Octavia looked around. The circular area was surrounded by trees and...something else. A swamp, perhaps. She heard the buzzing and fluttering of hundreds of insects, none of which seemed interested in her, and the gentle splashing noises typically associated with reptiles or amphibians. Octavia didn't like that, not at all.
She moved forward a bit, toward one of the headstones. As expected there was writing, letters, carved into the front. Curiously she couldn't read any of them. The letters were constantly moving about, almost as translucent as the fog itself, fading in and out of focus. They seemed aware of her. Just when she thought she had pinned one of them down it would skitter away, fading into another word, or location. It all seemed strange. Why would the letters not want her to read them? Why would they not want to reveal the secret of who lay in the ground before the stone?
She pondered this for a moment, staring at the headstone. Then she felt another gaze and realized she was no longer alone.
Octavia looked to her right. Standing there, about twenty meters away, stood a toad. Although not some ordinary toad, no, not this one. Its eyes were pure ebony, its mass was at least twice that of hers. She felt if it chose to it could easily pounce and swallow her up, then carry her off to the swamp, never to be seen again. But that thought was not what frightened her.
What frightened her was the look on its face, the expression of both amusement and disinterest the toad exuded as it returned her gaze. It was if the toad knew something, something buried deep behind those obsidian eyes, some knowledge dreadfully important to her. Yet that expression also made clear the toad would never reveal its terrible, yet personal, secret. It enjoyed knowing too much, she thought.
It did offer one revelation, however.
“I knew you were coming,” it said, in a voice which could just as easily have issued from one of the graves around her. It stared at her a moment more, then added, “I have always known you were coming.”
Octavia broke to run, but immediately bumped into another pony to her left. She turned right, but yet another pony stood there, blocking her way. No, not stood, that wasn't right, but rather sat. And beyond was another, and beyond that another. She was surrounded by ponies, sitting in rows, all staring up at a grand theater-hall stage. On the stage activity was taking place, something was being acted out. She couldn't discern precisely what, however, even given the stage was well lit, only that whatever was occurring all the ponies around her were staring up at the players with rapt attention. Only...
Octavia looked about. The ponies around her, all of them, sat mute, as mute as the gravestones she had recently encountered. Where had that been? Their faces were all blank, devoid of any emotion, as if asleep yet not. She didn't understand it. The actors on stage, she could hear them, delivering their lines with passion and flair. Yet not a single pony reacted, or even moved. Again, this puzzled her, so she looked to the stage.
She could see the actors, sort of. They were moving about, as had the letters on the gravestones, and just as fuzzy and undefined. The more she focused on one the more determined it seemed to avoid her gaze. She leaned forward, scrunching her eyes for better effect. She could see...six, maybe seven actors on stage, darting about voicing lines and dialogue which, to her ear, seemed to be referring to a castle, or a keep. Or a barrier of some kind. And...a presence, of someone.
It was all so confusing, so she leaned forward to get a better look.
She was standing in the middle of a half-circle of ponies, three to either side, all staring down at a spot on the stage floor before her. She knew them, all of them, yet at the moment couldn't recall their names. On the stage just before them lay another pony, jewels bedaubed about its neck and ears. It lay in an ever-expanding pool of blood oozing from half a dozen open wounds spread about its neck and torso. Its eyes were open, and its mouth...twitched...as if attempting to express its pain. But no, Octavia thought, that wasn't right. It was trying to ask a question.
Standing opposite the half-circle of ponies was yet another, looking down upon the bleeding form at her feet. A look of sheer rage was on its face, rage for the thing beneath her. Its chest heaved as it gasped for air, spittle dripping from its mouth to mix with the blood now drifting around her hooves. It seethed, its eyes wild with both agony and hostility. Octavia stared, the scene before her almost incomprehensible. But as she stared she suddenly felt horror surge throughout her body. For she knew this pony. Knew her only too well.
Pocornia.
Octavia stood transfixed, staring at her friend, who in turn glared at the death prostrated before her. As Octavia watched the expressions on Pocornia's face morphed, ranging from rage to agony to horror to terror and back again to rage. Only the changes were not slow, or even perceptible. They were instant, as if being projected from some exterior source. It was as if Octavia were watching some poorly cut movie, Pocornia's head abruptly altering position as the emotion displayed there altered again and again.
It was all so surreal. Octavia felt as if she were witnessing an event of which she was also a participant. She was present in both First and Third Party, each incarnation desperate to find sense within the madness on display. But there was no sense to be found, only increasing madness.
The six ponies about her tilted their heads toward the roof of the theater and began to wail, low at first, but with ever growing intensity. Pocornia continued her macabre display of emotions, her body joining the transitions in some form of gruesome and terrible dance. For the first time Octavia could now hear the auditorium crowd. They were chanting...something...a word. She couldn't make it out. But she knew they were speaking to her.
Octavia was afraid. She was desperate to move, to get away from...whatever this was, this scene in a play about death and madness. But she knew she couldn't leave, not yet. It was not yet time. She felt there was one more consequence of this drama for her to witness. The toad had known, she thought. It had known she was coming. For this. To see this moment. To witness this event.
There was something standing slightly to the right and rear of Pocornia, something Octavia knew only she could see. The wails intensified. What she saw was dark, the color of pitch, almost appearing as a dark void surrounded by somewhat lesser darkness. It had hooves, the front-left of which was touching the back of Pocornia's head. But no, Octavia could see that wasn't quite correct either. The hoof wasn't just touching Pocornia's head, it was attached there. She stared at this, wishing the audience would stop their chanting. The hoof was attached to a leg, which led to a torso. She could see the total form a bit more clearly. The ponies on her left and right had changed their pitch, now howling in unison into the air above them. Octavia felt herself growing angry. On the torso was a head. She could see a face. Or at least that place where a face should have been. The audience was chanting louder, damn them. But the face was there, she knew. It simply had no features beyond the darkness. The face was attuned to Pocornia, its intent firmly on the dancing, raging and horrific young pony attached to the end of its hoof. Octavia felt her own rage smoldering. The crowd was chanting louder and louder, but still, she couldn't understand the word. She looked at the darkness before her, looked until she saw, looked until she knew the darkness was aware of her, looked until it turned its head ever so slightly, and returned her gaze.
Octavia was now rage herself.
“You can't do this!” she yelled at the darkness, and the ponies aside her howled even louder.
“You can't do this!!” she said again, screaming this time. She felt her body tense in preparation of her charge. She heard the crowd chanting, felt the howling of the others on stage vibrate through to her very bones. She snarled, preparing to strike. Octavia never would have thought herself capable of such maniacal intensity, would probably never be able to rationally explain it. But she knew her rage was justified, and was only too aware of its purpose.
She would kill it. Kill the darkness. It was the only way.
The crowd was chanting, the ponies howling, as she lifted her right hoof to initiate her attack. She locked her gaze on the dark, on the Dark Pony, and at that instant finally found a feature on its face. A smile.
She heard the chant of the crowd, and at last, understood the word they were shouting.
“NOW!!”
Octavia charged. She hit the Dark Pony with all the force her soul could muster. They tumbled and rolled, locked in an embrace of malice fueled by hate culminating with only one desire. For one...to kill the other. For what seemed to her an eternity of malevolence the two of them fought, pounding, biting, kicking, screaming. They tore at each other, ripping and gouging in their manic efforts to inflict harm. And yet, neither seemed able to. Octavia felt the pain of her opponent's blows and yet didn't. She felt the sting of its bites and yet didn't. The only constant was the rage, and the overwhelming need to inflict damage to her adversary.
Octavia had never been in such a fight. Indeed until this moment, she had never been in an actual fight at all. But this was...necessary...she knew. This was, to her mind, inevitability, and she could not but feel herself its agent. And so they fought, fought as the other ponies in attendance howled and bled and danced and chanted, all in a seemingly well-orchestrated symphony of devastation and desire.
The fight changed. The Dark Pony struck her right side, then planted its back hooves and twisted her around. For a moment they faced each other, close enough for Octavia to smell the Graveyard, the Toad, the Blood, the Rage. She wailed against the Dark Pony, but abruptly it seemed to grow, now holding her close as if she were nothing more a stuffed toy. It pulled her in, its mouth to her ear, and whispered a proclamation, a purposeful pronouncement of its cruel intent.
“You can not save her,” it said, its voice a demented parody of twisted mirth.
Octavia found her footing. She struck the Dark Pony once, twice, three times, pounding its head from both sides until her arms grew tired and she could no longer sustain the effort. It stood, staring at her.
“You can't do this,” she cried, her voice almost a whimper.
The Dark Pony struck her, hard, across the face. The blow sent her flying across the stage, inverted. As she watched she saw Pocornia, the slain pony, and the other six, ponies she knew, pass beneath her and then beyond. She flew out of the theater, across the graveyard and into a dark tunnel. The air whisked by, her speed ever increasing as she flew backward toward...she did not know. But she felt something approaching, a barrier, a wall, something which would bring her flight to a sudden end.
She wondered if she would survive.
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Octavia stood on her balcony, looking down at the street below. All seemed normal, just another morning in Ponyville. She sighed, and shook her head.
A dream. It had all been a dream. More a nightmare, actually, but one she would not soon forget. She couldn't fathom why she had suffered such fantastical visions, why they had come to her in the night. Never had she experienced such before.
But the experience had revealed to her one truth.
Pocornia was in trouble, and Octavia would have to help. But first, she would have to find her troubled friend.
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She had taken the train to Fillydelphia, and now stood on a street corner near the heart of the city. Nothing was amiss, she thought. Ponies of all stripes went to and fro, engaged in whatever business they always attended to this time of day. None seemed to pay her any attention.
Octavia wasn't exactly sure why she had decided to come, to look for Pocornia here, in Fillydelphia. The decision had just seemed...correct...somehow. A byproduct of her dream, perhaps. However, she also hadn't felt like second-guessing herself. So she had taken the train and here she stood.
“Time to get busy,” she muttered.
The City Square was to her left, not that far from her current location. She examined her surroundings one more time, and then began to move in the direction which would lead her to the heart of the city. A statue built around a fountain dominated that location, which to her mind was as good a place as any to begin her search. But as she moved toward the large bronze image now visible in the distance, a sculpture of some pony quite serious in form and appearance, she felt her mind drift toward a logical and obvious question.
What was she really doing here?
That she would find Pocornia just wondering around the streets of Fillydelphia made little sense, yet Fillydelphia was where she had felt compelled to go. She had to wonder why, given her dream hadn't included any imagery of the place. At least, none she could recall. But the urge to travel here had been as real as the dream itself, a power she had not been able to resist.
She shook her head, hoping she would just find Pocornia and put all of this to rest.
She crossed at a street-corner and approached the center of town, a large square with a side-walk surrounding a grassy-area surrounding the statue. At the moment she couldn't recall who in the history of Equestria the statue featured, and wasn't close enough to read the series of plaques mounted at the base. But she was close enough to recognize two particular ponies standing before the plaques, and was momentarily stunned with amazement with that recognition.
Photo Finish and...she could hardly believe it...Songbird Serenade.
Octavia stood for a moment, staring at the pair in the distance before her. What in the name of Princess Celestia were they doing here? It made no sense. But then, she thought derisively, none of this made any sense. She began to move in their direction, and at that moment another unusual thought occurred to her. Given who these two ponies were, someone should have been paying attention to their presence. But no one was. Ponies moved about to and fro, yet none seemed more than remotely aware of the celebrities within their midst. Songbird didn't even have her supporting crew with her; which, to Octavia's mind, was an act completely out of character. However, she noticed Photo Finish did have her camera, and was taking pictures of, well, something.
Octavia moved closer until Songbird noticed her approach.
“Hey,” she said, taking a few steps toward Octavia. “What are you doing here?”
“I was about to ask you the same thing,” Octavia responded, stopping just in front of the Number-One Pop Star in all of Equestria. “And where are your people at?”
Songbird looked at the ground for a moment, then all around her. She looked at Octavia and said “They weren't invited.”
Octavia thought her words reflected a hint of trepidation but said nothing. Something within her suggested understanding. Looking into Songbird's eyes that thought crystalized. Octavia was mirrored there. She knew exactly what Songbird meant.
“Hey, Octavia! Wow! Fancy meeting you here!”
Octavia looked over to see Photo Finish approaching. Unlike her companion, she had a big smile on her face and did not appear to be troubled about anything. Octavia smiled in return, then replied.
“It is good to see you too, Photo. I'm just out for a walk.”
Photo Finish laughed. “Yeah, right,” she said, “all the way in Fillydelphia.” Photo snorted. “You must think we are just out for a walk too.”
Photo turned away, lifting her camera to take another picture. Octavia looked back at Songbird. The two simply stared at each other for a moment while the world passed them by. All seemed quiet, almost as quiet as a...
Her dream flashed to mind. It must have been, so Octavia asked Songbird one of the only few questions which mattered at that moment.
“Did you see a Toad?”
Songbird looked at the ground again, and kicked the pavement with her hoof.
“Yes,” she replied. “And a Werewolf.”
Octavia was startled by the response. She hadn't seen a Werewolf. “What did it say to you?” she asked her friend.
“What, the Werewolf?”
“No,” Octavia said, with just a hint of annoyance in her voice. “The Toad. What did he say to you?”
Songbird looked around for a moment. Typically she would be knee-deep in signing autographs by now, but no one seemed to be interested. In fact, she thought, no one seemed to be paying her the slightest bit of attention at all. Still looking off to her left, she answered Octavia's question.
“He said he had been waiting for me, that he knew I was coming.” She again locked eyes with her friend. “I thought he was going to eat me, but the Werewolf carried me away.”
“It was intense, wasn't it?” Octavia asked. “The dream...”
“If felt so real,” Songbird interrupted. “I really believed I was there.”
Octavia took a moment to glance about. The other ponies, all of them, all except Photo Finish, seemed completely unaware of their presence, and went about their business seemingly oblivious to the presence of her and her companions. Just as well, she thought. She, they, the three of them, needed these moments. Something, a thought, a theory, was bouncing around the back of her mind, but had not yet coalesced. She felt Songbird could help her track it down, grab onto it.
“What else did you see?” she asked her friend.
Songbird shrugged her shoulders. “Many things,” she replied, “strange things. Pocornia hurt someone, I think.”
“Did you see...something dark?” Octavia asked.
“Hey, guys,” she heard Photo say from what seemed a great distance. She ignored it.
“Like another pony, only...”
“Hey, girls!” Photo said again, louder this time.
Songbird looked from one to the other, then replied: “I think so, it was all so fast. But he...”
“Hey! girls!” Photo Finish shouted.
Octavia turned her head, giving Photo an annoyed look.
“What?”
“Did you see that?”
Photo Finish was facing away from them, looking off toward the end of the far block across from the opposite side of the square. Octavia and Songbird walked up to either side of her.
“See what?” Songbird asked.
Photo pointed toward the corner formed by a building in the distance, from their perspective the opposite side left of a four-way intersection. As she watched Octavia saw two Ponies turn and then pass from sight beyond the building. But otherwise nothing out of the ordinary.
“There was someone standing there, watching us,” Photo said, rather dispassionately.
“What is so unusual about that?” Octavia retorted.
Photo smiled. “Nothing!” she said. “But...this was different.”
The three stood there for a moment, all still looking toward the designated corner. A moment later Octavia and Songbird turned to glance at each other over the shoulders of their friend. Songbird shrugged her shoulders.
“Ok, Photo,” Octavia said, “what was different about it?”
“I don't know,” Photo replied, “there was just some pony standing there and he was looking at us. I mean just us, you know? Like he knew us or something.”
Songbird smiled, while Octavia let out an exasperated sigh. She stared at her camera-wielding friend. Wait...
“Why are you here, Photo Finish?” Octavia asked.
Photo looked at her. “Same reason you are, I guess. I am looking for Pocornia.”
Songbird and Octavia exchanged looks, the latter feeling an unaccustomed anxiety building within. Songbird nodded her head. Octavia looked back to Photo Finish.
“Photo,” she said, “did you have a dream?”
Photo Finish began to fiddle with her camera. “Yeah,” was all she said.
“And?” Octavia prompted.
Photo looked at her. “And what?” she said.
Octavia sighed again. “In your dream. What did you see? Did you see a toad, or a werewolf?”
“A toad? Werewolf? What are you guys talking about?”
Songbird stepped up. “This is important, Photo,” she said. “Did you see either of those things?”
Photo looked between the two of them, a slightly derisive smile playing across her face.
“You two are loopy,” she said, and returned to fiddling with her camera. She turned to take a picture of the statue before them.
“I didn't see none of that stuff.” Photo affirmed.
Octavia and Songbird stood staring at their friend, both of their mouths hanging open in chagrin. Octavia almost felt like laughing. “Photo, what did you see?”
Photo turned to look at her. “I saw Pocornia. She looked upset, like she was unhappy or something.” She tilted her head, then continued. “I think she was in trouble. So I came to see if I could help.” She hopped in place one time. “Because that is what friends do!”
Made sense, Octavia thought.
“Hey! We should go down to the waterfront!” Photo said.
“Why should we go down there?” Songbird asked.
“They have some good places to eat down there! Everybody has to eat. Pocornia could be there!”
Octavia was impressed with Photo's exuberance. She herself certainly didn't feel so buoyant at the moment. But then, she thought, perhaps Photo had the right idea.
“Ok,” she said, “lets go to the waterfront.”
“I'm in,” Songbird said, looking at Octavia. Photo Finish immediately began moving away from the statue and the square, South toward the waterfront. The other two quickly fell in behind.
The trio crossed the street and proceeded along the walk-way. Octavia took in their surroundings. Again, nothing seemed amiss. Other Ponies were about, but currently not quite so many as when she had first arrived. It still struck her odd that none seemed to pay her and her friends any attention. As yet, she thought, none had even offered a standard greeting.
The three remained silent as they proceeded. Songbird seemed occupied with some inner contemplation, Octavia thought, while Photo Finish appeared concerned only with looking around at everything, her head swiveling side to side and a wry smile plastered to her face. Good for her, Octavia mused, at least one of us should be enjoying the trip. But as they walked a thought occurred to Octavia, one which, in regard to the suddenness of its rise, gave her cause to wonder what about this particular moment brought it to mind.
Then the answer as quickly became clear. They were together. If not it wouldn't have been appropriate.
Octavia wondered, did Songbird know?
She decided to ask. Octavia sided up to Songbird, then, in order to keep Photo Finish at least momentarily out of the conversation, whispered:
“Hey, Songbird.”
Her friend looked over at her.
“Yeah?” she replied.
“We are all here looking for Pocornia, right?” Songbird continued to look at her, saying nothing. “I was just wondering...”
They took a few steps. “Wondering what?” Songbird asked.
Octavia considered if she should continue along this line. Ultimately it was no one's business. However, somehow she thought it important.
“I was just wondering if you knew about Pocornia, and...”
“Hey girls,” she heard Photo Finish say. The third member of the trio had suddenly stopped and was now staring off in the distance.
“Knew about what?” Songbird said, coming to a halt.
Octavia looked back and forth between her two friends. “I was just wondering if you knew about the...”
“Hey, girls!” Photo Finish again interjected, louder this time.
“What are you trying to tell me, Octavia?” Songbird asked, a hint of agitation in her voice. Octavia looked between her friends again. Photo Finish was staring across the street, at an angle toward a far street-corner. Songbird appeared to be miffed.
Octavia shook her head. “I don't know, it may be important, it may not, but something I saw in my dream made me think of it.” She paused for a moment.
“Did you know about...”
“Hey! girls!” Photo Finish shouted. “He's back!”
Octavia let out an exasperated sigh. “What are you talking about, Photo?” she snapped.
“That...pony I saw earlier. He's staring at us again.” She pointed across the street. “Over there.”
The two again walked up on either side of Photo Finish, Octavia to the right. She looked in the indicated direction, and saw...
...something. Photo was correct, someone was there, just at the corner of a building, staring back at them. Or at least Octavia thought she saw some pony occupying that spot. The building was casting a shadow into the street, but within that shadow was what Octavia could only describe as a bit darker shadow. It could have been a pony, she thought, but she couldn't be sure.
Darkness within darkness...
She tilted her head to the left just a bit.
“What do you see, Photo?”
Photo didn't hesitate. “Another pony. He is just standing there staring at us. The same one as before.”
Photo looked at them both in turn.
“You don't see him?”
“No,” she heard Songbird say. “I don't.”
Octavia looked again. It could be, maybe, she wasn't sure. The shadows seemed to dance and weave, just as had the letter on the tombstones.
“Are you sure, Photo?” she said, “I can't tell for sure. But,” and she paused for a moment, still looking, “why would it bother you?”
Photo looked at her, an annoyed expression crossing her face. “He's creepy,” she said. “And if it is the same one he is following us. What is wrong with you two?”
Songbird huffed. “We just don't see him, Photo, is all.”
Photo pointed again. “He is right...” She stopped, a look of confusion now spreading across her face. “...there.”
She scrapped her hoof across the pavement. “At least he was. Now he is gone.”
They all stood there for another moment, staring across the street. The shadow within the shadow was gone. If it had ever been there, Octavia thought.
Songbird started forward again. “Lets keep going,” was all she said.
“OK!” Photo chirped, the moment apparently forgotten as quickly as it had arrived. She bounced out in front once again headed toward the waterfront. Octavia and Songbird fell in behind, and the trio traveled in silence across the next two blocks.
Eventually, they arrived at another street-corner, the waterfront arrayed across beyond.
“Wow,” Photo stated, a hint of awe evident in her voice, “look at all that.” She immediately began taking pictures. Octavia surveyed the layout in front of them.
They had to cross a six-lane street, this intersection patrolled by Fillydelphia's Unicorn police force. Beyond lay a wide paved promenade area dotted with light-poles, another fountain, a few planted trees and a small statue of a dragon. Just beyond this lay a row of two to three-story buildings, a mall of some kind, in which probably lay the good places to eat Photo had mentioned.
“Come on!” Photo chirped, the light having changed and one of the Unicorn officers motioning them to cross. Photo broke into a trot, the others forced to keep pace, and in seconds they were across the main street and into the promenade. They turned left and made toward the fountain. Much smaller than the one located in the city square, this featured nothing more than the standard water jets spouting seven streams of water into the air. Octavia found the sound soothing as the three came to a halt beside it.
Photo looked about, then began taking pictures. A contented smile still dominated her face. Songbird appeared to be a bit annoyed, or at least, Octavia thought, as if something were playing hard upon her mind.
Octavia took in her surroundings. At the moment very few other ponies were about, the nearest at least a full block away. The mall behind them appeared busy, except everyone was inside. They were alone, for the moment.
She looked at Songbird. Something in her friend's posture and demeanor triggered a realization within Octavia. A thought crystallized, one she immediately knew to be true.
They would never find Pocornia here. But then they hadn't been meant to.
She stepped up to Songbird, Photo still stepping about taking pictures. She kept her voice low.
“Pocornia isn't here.”
“I know,” Songbird replied. “She was never here, she was never meant to be here. We were.” Songbird looked directly into her eyes. “I'm right, aren't I?”
Octavia bowed her head a moment. “Yeah,” she replied, “I think, we came here thinking about Pocornia, but that was just...I don't know...an excuse, a misdirection of some kind.”
Songbird's mouth dropped open, however not in surprise or shock. She was angry at some level.
“An excuse? What kind of sense is that supposed to make?”
Octavia could hear the clicking of Photo's camera.
“I'm not sure. Except...” She locked eyes with Songbird. “The dream, Pocornia was in trouble, yes?”
“Yes,” Songbird replied.
“But she was the cause of it, I think. She had...done something. Something bad.” She looked away, toward the street-corner from which they had came. “To someone she loved.”
Songbird nodded her head.
“I saw jewelry,” Songbird said, “hanging on trees, on a headstone. The werewolf pointed it out. I thought it stupid at the time.” She looked at Octavia. “But not anymore. I think, it was all so fast and confusing. But I think Pocornia...”
“Hey, girls,” they both heard Photo say.
Octavia ignored it. “Did you know?” she snapped as Songbird.
“Know what?!” Songbird shot back.
“About Pocornia and...”
“Hey! Guys!” Photo said again, fear clearly evident in her voice.
Octavia glared at her camera-wielding friend.
“Photo, will you please be quiet for one...”
Photo pointed, her entire body shaking. “Hey! Girls! You have to look!”
Octavia turned, then froze in place, disbelief seizing her body. What she saw made no sense.
The Unicorn police, at least seven of them, were bearing down in their direction at full charge, all of their gazes fixed directly on the three. Octavia couldn't believe it, the sheer anger on their faces, the sheer determination evident in their action, determination apparently geared toward running the three of them down. She took a step back.
“Octavia!” she heard Songbird squeal. She glanced in that direction as the Unicorns bore down on them. Photo stood rigid in place, fear dominating her features. Songbird stood with mouth agape, her eyes fixed on the advancing hoard. The sound of their approach now over-powered the noise of the water fountain. Octavia could even hear their heavy and heated breathing. She looked at them again.
The lead Unicorn was staring directly at her as it charged, a near maniacal rage displayed on its face. She had no idea what she could possibly have done to earn such a look, such a reaction, they had done nothing...
...wait, she thought. The lead Unicorn wasn't looking at her. It was looking at something else, something...just behind her. Instantly she realized they didn't even see her and her friends. They were after something else. And they would run the three down to get at it.
They had to move, and had only seconds.
Octavia turned to shout to her friends. Photo was still locked in place, only screaming now. The sound of her terror was almost lost amid the sound of the approaching hoof beats of the Unicorns. Songbird likewise stood fixed, her mouth still hanging open, whether in fear or shock Octavia couldn't tell. She stepped toward her friend, to push her out of the way. Then something caught her eye to her right. She snapped her head in that direction.
The Unicorns were close, the sound of their approach now thunderous.
But it was him.
Fear slammed into her system, the same fear she had felt in the graveyard. The pony, the Dark Pony from her dream, stood just a few feet behind her. She could see it now, clearly, that darkness within darkness outline, the features of which were dominated by one in particular. A smile.
Octavia's fear was replaced by anger. She leaned forward just an inch, her body tensing for a charge of her own. She had fought this thing once before, she would do it again. She braced. The Dark Pony stared at her.
Its smile widened.
Octavia let lose a shout fueled by fury. Above the raging noise of the Unicorn's hoof-beats she could once again hear the theater crowd shouting.
“Now!” They screamed, “Now!”
Octavia began her charge, but made no advance. Almost as instantly she was slammed hard to the ground by multiple impacts. As she fell she saw the Dark Pony smiling. Then she saw the concrete rushing up to meet her. Then she saw nothing.
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“Octavia.”
The voice sounded as if from far away. She wanted to ignore it.
“Octavia,” it said again, “get up.”
Octavia opened her eyes. For some reason she was lying on concrete, near a fountain.
Oh, yeah...
She stood slowly. Photo Finish was to her left, crying. She looked that way.
“They broke my camera,” she cried, woefully, like a hurt thing. As Octavia watched Photo kicked at a piece of her broken extension.
She turned to look at Songbird. “What happened?”
Songbird stared off in the distance, the direction the Unicorns would have traveled once past the three of them.
“They just kept moving,” she said, gloom, or perhaps melancholy, evident in her tone. Octavia wasn't sure. “They trampled you and Photo down, without even noticing. I have never seen anything like it.”
Octavia looked back at Photo.
“They broke my camera,” she wailed again. “Why would they do that?”
“We will get you another one, Photo,” Octavia said, “When we get back to Ponyville.”
Photo Finish continued to stare at the broken mass at her feet. She sniffed, her tears still flowing.
“They bwroke it...” she cried.
“Octavia,” Songbird said.
She turned. Songbird was looking at her, a certain...knowing...in her eyes.
“Did you see him?” Octavia asked.
“I don't know,” Songbird replied. “I saw something, at the last moment. It looked like a pony.”
“Only dark, like a shadow,” Octavia interjected.
Songbird stood there, staring at her. Worry was not the proper term to describe the look on her face. More like, Octavia found it hard to describe, residual fear mixed with bewilderment.
“Who was that, behind us?” she asked.
Photo was still crying. Octavia felt...mad.
“We didn't come here to find Pocornia, none of us.” Songbird didn't reply, just stood, waiting. “We came here to find each other. Our dreams, even Photo's, sent us here to find each other.”
Songbird shook her head. “That makes sense, I suppose. But still, why was that...pony...following us around? Who was that?”
Octavia paused for a moment, then felt her anger returning. Life in Equestria shouldn't be like this. She felt she knew who was to blame.
“I don't know who he is, Songbird,” she said, her voice a mixture of anger and sorrow, “but I know what he is.”
She looked at Photo, her friend still kicking at the broken pieces of her camera. Photo told her sorrow to the stones.
“Come on, both of you,” Octavia said, her voice firm, “we have to get back to Ponyville.”
----------------------------------------------------------
She stood on her balcony, looking down over the palace courtyard and the countryside beyond. In the distance she could see the lights of Ponyville. The moon was full, and bathed the landscape with its heavenly glow. All seemed well.
However she knew all was not well. The Dream-world was in turmoil. Something was occurring within that realm, something dark, and demanding. This could not stand. For the Dream-world was her territory, and no interloper would take it from her.
Princess Luna stiffened with resolve. She would have to act, and soon.
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I'll be honest with you, this one is a hard one to digest. Let me try and explain.
There is way to many details for almost everything, and the reader can find that hurtful to read. There were some parts of the chapter that simply lost me and I had to read the entire paragraph again to fully understand what was happening.
Here are some examples of what I would call, rule number 1, less is more:
Oddly specific. Is that detail really necessary for the reader to know? If not, you need to describe the scenery in another way to not confuse the reader. You made me remember that detail (thirty headstones) all the chapter and, well, it was for nothing. You can phrase it like this:
It feels more mysterious, and the reader understands that whats happening is just the author setting up the mood and not a puzzle the reader has to remember, because I believe it's not a puzzle, right?
Another example for rule number 1 is the scenic description of Octavia and her friends walking through Fillydelphia's streets:
Show, don't tell. This was a perfect opportunity for Photo Finish to show/describe the landscape exercising her own words and talent in photography. She is the perfect character knowing that she loves fashion (probably art too) and glamour instead of the writer describing the mall surroundings.
You can use scenic description to describe more than just the scene. Make the reader feel the mood, not just read it, like my example with the tombstones. You can use the weather as an example too or maybe Octavia's actions when she is afraid (She pulled her white collar, adorned by a pink bow-tie, lightly, grasping for air. A muffled laugh escapes her mouth; she always does that whenever she felt scared or nervous)
Ok, enough about that. Next stuff:
I know that you can use "guys" for both genders but "Hey girls," would have sound better, they are all girls after all. And taking into consideration that this is Equestrian, where female population seems to be larger and from this youtube vid you can see that "Hey girls," would make more sense.
Next, Chekhov's gun:
I believe this one speaks for itself. Just always keep it in mind. It doesn't apply to this chapter, but try to remember it. Your readers will feel more encourage to continue reading if everything that happens makes sense at some point and is exciting and interesting (I know this is a mystery novel, but that doesn't mean that it needs to be hard to follow)
Lastly:
I knew that Princess Luna was going to show up at some point. She can cast some light and meaning regarding the nightmares and offer some leads.
Bottom line:
To be 100% honest. The first two chapters of the story are my favorite ones. This one had barely any dialogue and that really scared some readers for what I can see. Characters need to be more than just actors in the scenes. They need to feel alive. We love to connect with them. We love the characters. We love Octavia, Songbird, Photo. We love Pocornia and Fluttershy. We want to read them and hear what they have to say. Dialogue is important, alright?
Keep up the good work! (Perdon for any misspellings. It took me 4 hours to write all of this)
10908624
I see a lot of that in this chapter, your feedback really hits the nail on the head here. I feel bad because the "Show don't tell rule" is something I do better now, but obviously didn't do too well back then. I also think I didn't know how to pace this idea which made it worse. The diolouge was a struggle too. Alot of these earlier chapters need to be reworked, this one in particular.
I'm not sure why I went with "Hey guys" but that will fixed today.