clonedbrony2
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It's okay.
So... If Alicorn magic makes them immune to their original memories, does that mean that Twilight and Cadance still know the truth about them?
Because if so, I can only imagine the confusion and frustration they're going through during that celebration.
8291169
Left that part in case I ever feel like writing a continuation.
awwwww that was cute :DD really liked Discord in this ^^
hehe
you should write a short sequel with him 'joining the fun' if you understand what i mean
8291178
Oh please do I can't wait to see Twilight freaking the fuck out at all her history books being changed! Oh and the Lunestia...
Mostly the books.
didhadComma and lower case 'h'. Also, it is commonly suggested that you do not use 'saidisms', such as 'he greeted', 'she answered', 'he commanded', and instead either put nothing or use 'said' followed by a more detailed description, for instance, 'he said, giving a small bow in greeting.'
This is not a complete sentence. It needs to be either connected to the previous sentence by a comma or you could simply change 'following' to 'followed'.
in -> on
This is a run-on sentence containing three complete sentences. 'She stopped.' 'One of her ears twitched.' 'She quickly looked back, examining the hall.' I suggest changing it to this... 'She stopped. One of her ears twitched, and she quickly looked back, examining the hall.'
The comma makes this a sentence fragment.
Comma after 'door' followed by 'and she moved'.
Your biggest problem as far as composition goes is your sentence structure. Which isn't really something you can fix through brute force. Your best bet is to dig up some English textbooks or some literature on the mechanics of writing. (Also, Grammarly is an amazing tool.)
Unfortunately, I have to echo 'duckboy416'. The biggest stumbling block for me is that there's this setup for drama that is almost instantly dismissed, leaving me wanting more. You might have been better off not pretending to have Discord betray them at all, and instead focus the story on their date. I also would have liked to actually see the date, rather than have it skipped over.
Regardless, thanks for the story.
-The Landgrave
8291873
Thanks for the corrections.
Yeah, I feel like I dropped the ball after Discord left that first night. I should have clarified that Discord was just having some fun at their expenses when he found out.
I don't know why, but I actually dread writing about dates. I always just skip it or avoid it.
Okay, I know I'm probably going to be in the minority for this.. But there's some serious amount of what the fuck going on with the fact that Discord just so casually mindwashed everyone and Celestia and Luna are very much okay with this as a result. Despite the horrific idea that everyone's mind just got changed forcefully against everyone's will because wuv between.. sisters.
8291914
I'd be the first to admit that dates are capital 'H' Hard. So, while I want it, I totally sympathize with not including the date.
If alicorns are immune to the effect of what Discord did then you should do an update that has Twilight and Cadence confronting them. That would be hilarious.
It would really benefit from being longer. Have both Celestia and Luna have a full day in which they struggle.
Incredible shouldn't be capitalized.
Alicorn's, not alicorn.
There should be a period at the end of the sentence, and Equestria should be capitalized.
I think the "bowing" might have been a typo - did you mean "vowing"?
That said, I really liked the story and the new take on Discord, and don't mean to be rude by pointing out all the story's grammatical errors - I'm an editor, it's a habit.
This is the perfect mix of sexy, funny, and d'aww.