A Pony's Conflict

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Sparkle Pie

Sparkle Pie #1 · Nov 9th, 2017 · · · Chapter 2 ·

It's a great story; it has a good plot and realistic characters in terms of Hasbro personalities and as reactions to various situations (I study nueropsychiatry). There are no grammatical errors, which is good because incorrect grammar and punctuation usage can make things very hard to read. The only problem with it is that it's very redundant. For example:

“Good morning sister,” she greeted. “I trust you had a restful sleep. You always were the type of mare to obsess over things that kept you up at night.”
Luna turned to her sister and smiled. “Of course. I had a wonderful sleep, Celestia. Thank you for asking.”
“It is my duty to ensure that my precious sister is well.” Celestia stroked Luna’s mane with her gold-tipped hoof. “After all, I do not wish to lose you again.”
Luna blushed at her sister’s touch, and smiled. “Nor I, sister,” she said, smiling and nuzzling into her sister’s hoof. “I could not bear to lose my precious sister.”
“Sister, I have something to confess,” Luna murmured.
Celestia smiled and gazed at her sister. “What is it, Luna?” she asked.
Luna blushed, her cheeks turning a bright red colour that was easily visible through her dark blue coat. “W-well, you see…” she turned away and blushed harder.
“Sister, what is it? You can tell me.”
“I-I know. You see, sister… I have been having these feelings.”
Celestia grew curious and looked at her sister. “Feelings? What kind of feelings?”
“Romantic feelings. S-sexual feelings.”
Celestia smiled and nuzzled her sister’s cheek. “That is perfectly natural to have those feelings, sister,” she said. “If I may, who is the focus of these feelings?”
“Well…” Luna trailed off and looked away.
Celestia took Luna’s chin in her hoof and turned her head to face her. “Sister, what did I say? You can tell me anything.”
Luna blushed. “I know, sister. It’s just that these feelings aren’t exactly… normal.”
Celestia looked at her sister curiously. “Whatever do you mean, sister? Who, if I may ask, is the focus of such emotions, that you would say such a thing?”
Luna took a deep breath, her heartbeat thundering in her ears. She exhaled with a whoosh, and her chest deflated with a rush of air. “It’s… you, sister.”
Celestia froze. “Whatever do you mean, dear sister?”
“I’m in love with you, Celestia.” Luna said, her hooves shaking, and she struggled to keep herself standing. “I can’t stop feeling this way about you.”

This entire conversation repeats itself over and over again. While it would be unrealistic for it to happen in two lines, it could be shortened quite a bit while still seeming natural. There are also many other instances of this, chapter 1 included, and not all of them are dialogue.

Zelatrix

Zelatrix #2 · Nov 12th, 2017 · · · Chapter 2 ·

8539530 So what you're saying is that there are parts that mean the same thing, that I have repeated. Would you be so kind as to point out the other parts that I could remove without spoiling the flow of the story? I'm always looking to improve.

Expertizer