- Member Since 5th Oct, 2016
- offline last seen 12 hours ago
Israel Yabuki
Canon x OC, that's my specialty, both in art and in MLP stories
Israel Yabuki
Joined 5th Oct, 2016 ·
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- Israel Yabuki · 4.3k words · 8 4 · 967 views
- Israel Yabuki · 35k words · 39 10 · 1.4k views
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Needs the 'porn' tag. That's to differentiate between stories with actual depictions of sex from stories that just have sex as a topic.
Stallion mounting a mare and breeding her all the way through.
The classics are simply the best
Not a bad fic, it does need the 'porn' tag. But other than that not bad!
Ever heard of a dragon mounting a griffin?
So click all the cliche check boxes of a typical clop fic... check. Corny story above love and crap and a silly timer of instant “fuck me I am super horny out of character” heat nonsense. You got yourself a pretty cookie cutter story. It’s a shame honesty. It started decently, but as soon as I saw the cliche heat cycle and then some reason it’s on a timer too I just stopped reading and skipped down. Yet all the other stuff was there too! One follows the other I guess...
8735703
Hey, not everyone is perfect, but this guy is trying. No need to be so negative
8735743
When you see the same story time and time again with the SAME plot (no pun intended), wouldn’t you find it just tiring to see? It doesn’t deviate. Nor is it any different except for the characters which could be anyone and it wouldn’t matter. Because the context is the same. Take said mare and said stallion, add a cheesy love story that feels so rushed it’s moot. Throw in cliche heat as your reason for sex (though this time there’s an odd timer to the EXACT minute), and make them screw one another in the same fashion. First a blow job followed by the mare getting her twat sucked then end with sex. And I bet there was a ton of cum. Sounds the same as I don’t know... every other one like it? And there are many. More than I would want to count
where did you get the image?
8736665
I found it on Google Images
This isn't a bad fic, but it does have some pretty... glaring issues. Like this paragraph:
The first two sentences say the exact same thing. It's redundant. Secondly, all the sentences (minus the first one) are subject starts which makes the whole thing read very mechanically. Try to avoid using the same method of starting a sentence twice in a row. Variety is the spice of life, after all. If you need some inspiration on how to achieve such a thing, check out this link: https://blogs.ksbe.edu/roprais/seven-effective-ways-to-start-a-sentence/
You also refer to them by name over and over again, which contributes to the clunkyness of the paragraph quite a bit. This whole thing is also a blatant, kind of hamfisted info dump of an exposition to set up the story, but given that it's meant to simply be framework for porn I can understand it. Still, I would much rather see Sky and Vapor talking to one another about their practice and complimenting one another on how much they've improved over being simply told it.
8738362
I think the reason why he was constantly using their names over and over again was so the audience'll know who he's referring to and who's talking, so no one'll get mixed up
8738410
True, but he makes a valid point. I think the next time I write something similar to this, I should probably just referr to each character by their personality or maybe even their appearences or skilled talents. Although, I'm going to admit that I was pretty sloppy and it was kinda rushed, so thanks for the constructive critisism, I'll be sure to keep these handy tips in mind when I'm creating another story
8738410
Oh, most certainly but there are other ways to do that.
8738418
Like what is suggested here! You can refer to them by gender, by color, by personality, size, mood, or you could write the paragraph in such a way that the subject of the sentences doesn't jump around so much, making it easier to follow.
I'm glad to see you aren't discouraged here. I try to give constructive criticism whenever I see something I can comment on since back when I was writing stories for this site (which have since been removed) I got really annoyed at the lack of feedback. How can you improve if people don't tell you what you're doing wrong and what you're doing right? If we were at the level where we didn't need that sort of assistance we wouldn't be writing fanfics. XD
8739096
well said
Eh. I think I enjoyed this one.
You have my thumb up, friend.
happy for the two pegisi (i forgot what the plural word for it), even since the episode, we can think where this is going.
So far in comparison, nothing wrong with this story, the story line and plot are acceptable, so I give this story a thumbs up especially that this story is made for Hearts and Hooves/Valentines day special. If anypony agrees, I appreciate your opinion and brony on