THIS STORY SUCKS AND I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO FIX IT. The only reason I'm not deleting it outright is because I may have some brilliant idea that magically makes it work sometime in the future.
King Sombra's army is tearing across Equestria, despite the valiant efforts of Celestia's forces. Much of the kingdom lies in ruins, and the ponies still at home have been working themselves to the bone to provide for the fighters. But as the battle approaches the Everfree Forest, its fearless guardian princess shall rise to protect it in one final battle.
"We shall stand. We shall endure. We shall remain guardians of true freedom eternal."
Written for FanOfMostEverything's Imposing Sovereigns Contest.
Chapters (6)
Not bad, but it feels more than a little disjointed. Between the time hopping and the cursory glossing over of a double life that involved either illusion spells or a lot of hats, it doesn't feel especially immersive. A lot of scenes go by too quickly, and I do have to question your choice to make Chapter 3 its own thing rather than making it part of Chapter 4.
Still, the story itself is an interesting one... though I do have to wonder why Fluttershy didn't commit herself to a more active part of the war effort earlier. Another alicorn would probably make for a very powerful asset. And there's the matter of Nightmare Moon returning a bit before Sombra did, which would likely entail some group heading into the Everfree to get the Elements and potentially encountering the regent thereof...
You tell a compelling tale, but this definitely needs more polish. Still, I know from experience the need to get something out in time for a contest. Thank you for this, and best of luck in the judging.
8034058 Thank you! This story is far from completion, but I plan to edit and change it as soon as I have the time. At the moment, this is a rough-rough draft written over the course of several late nights. I know it needs a lot of work, but I'm glad to be part of the competition!
I have to agree with FanOfMostEverything on what they said. It does feel like you've rushed it. It basically is like a preview of what seems like an epic tale. So if you did have the time or the inkling, I'd certainly like to read an expanded version of this in the future.
Chapter 2
IMO, Fluttershy would have tried to talk before fighting & also tends to use the Flutterstare before physical violence.
One thing In the "Sombra attacks" alternate timelines. Either this takes place before Nightmare Moon returns or there has to be some version of The Elements of Harmony.
Return of Harmony (S2 E1& E2) shows almost anyone with good intentions can use the Elements. Their power depends on
1) How well do the bearers match their Element?
2) How close is their friendship?
First time they tried to use the Elements, the answer to both was "Not Very Much" & so the rainbow was pretty feeble, Discord just shrugged it off. Since Luna wasn't fighting Sombra, IMO there was a less effective Mane 6. They couldn't cure Luna, only send her back to the moon. Or, she was killed in the fighting.
Also, the race. Since Fluttershy fell, Starlight didn't stop the race just the Rainboom. Didn't anyone come looking for Fluttershy? Surely someone noticed at some point that she was gone.
8042905 Again, this was written in a great hurry. I basically just wanted to get a finished story out in time, regardless of its problems. There are a lot of changes I need to make to this, but I'm not doing it now. Still, thanks for pointing those things out. Whenever I do get around to fixing this story, I'll keep them in mind.
Part 2 of my look at all the "Imposing Sovereigns: Warrior" fics is up have a review.
8072354 Thanks!
8072412 You are very welcome. And thank you for the story.
This really needs that edit and expansion. :/
8101891 I know.