• Member Since 27th Feb, 2017
  • offline last seen Sep 18th, 2019

Rouki Royal


If it isn't obvious, I'm in love with Slice of Life.

E

Queen Chrysalis has now had a consistent track record of humiliating defeat. Alone and at the end of her rope, she has come up with a plan that's foolproof to succeed! Filly nap a pony expected to have been enrolled into Princess Celestia's school for Gifted Unicorns, and mirror Princess Celestia's devious tactics! After all, how hard can mentoring a magic embodied apprentice to defeat your sworn enemies be!? But as Queen Chrysalis will soon find out, it's never that simple.

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 15 )

Okay, this one looks like it'll be fun. :pinkiehappy:

However, I do have one gripe about your writing:

Queen Chrysalis let off a horrified scream as she turned tail and ran further into the cavernous network!
...
Suddenly she gasped in magnificence!
...
Each of the diamond dogs looked up in complete horror, realizing a comb so big would practically rip their coats off!

Exclamation marks are typically used in dialogue or internal thoughts. Using them in regular narration like you have above makes it sound like the narrator is shouting, and can be quite distracting for readers. A good description should already be enough to convey how absurd/ridiculous/extreme the situation is.

And to a lesser extent, there's this:

"W-What're you doing!? Are you insane!?"

Combining exclamation marks with question marks is often unnecessary, and some readers find them distracting. Just stick with the question mark. If written well, the words alone should be enough to convey the tone of the speaking character, or your could use italics for added emphasis.

Other than that, good show. I'll be keeping an eye on this for now. :twilightsmile:

I will keep an eye on this story, if for no other reason, than the King in Yellow reference that is the title. You have piqued my interest...

Combination of Trixie and twilight plus that crazy little girl from tiny tunes (Amira I if I recall)...
This should be fun :3

This is precious, seriously need way more publicity

Hey, she loves you, Chryssie, meaning that just being nearby will make you stronger. It can't be that bad... Can it?

The Headmistress continued in further confusion. "But you were here just the other day to retrieve her Princess."

:trollestia:: "Okay..."

Nice premise.
I'm curious where it goes.



Found an small error:

spoke of how how she

Should be only one "how". Remove either the first or the second one. (But not both.)

Chryssie bit of waaaay more than she could chew. :rainbowlaugh:

8012543 elmyra, to be precise.

I have high hopes. Let's see where this goes.

:trollestia::well, not how I expected things to go, but I'll settle for inadvertently reforming Chrysalis.

Hehe, nice. I love how clueless Chryssie is.

8013605

The greatest atrocities are committed in the name of love.

Funny start.

"Yes Headmistress. Throughout Equestria's history there have been ponies who've possessed unquestionably great potential. It is nothing to be ashamed of, tempering such magical power takes the work of professionals.

This is phrased poorly. It makes it sound like she's saying 'possessing great potential is nothing to be ashamed of'. Which would be obvious. I think you wanted Celestia to say that having trouble managing someone with such potential is nothing to be ashamed of, since she seems to be reassuring the Headmistress about her issues with Marigold. So it should probably be

"Yes Headmistress. Throughout Equestria's history there have been ponies who've possessed unquestionably great potential. Having difficulty managing such a filly is nothing to be ashamed of, tempering such magical power takes the work of professionals.

Well, this looks like it has potential, we'll see how it goes.

Queen Chrysalis nose wrinkled in both disgust, angst, and deep worry. W-What is this pulsating, radiating amount of love !?

.... So Chrysalis is better feed then ever :trixieshiftleft:.... wonder how powerful she is right now :trixieshiftright:

The golden filly scrunched up her posture and blew kisses to the Queen as she muttered in delight. "You~"

Got to wonder what Chryssie did to make Marigold love her so much :moustache:

Queen Chrysalis in her rage dug deep within herself, using the sudden burst of power from the love given to her to unleash a devastating spell which tore as a spiral straight throughout the cavern. Lost in her belligerent rage, she lacked the insight of calmness.

:applejackconfused:So Chryssie is now more powerful then ever, and yet we don't have to worry :ajsmug:

. As they were outside, she nuzzled her cheek into the Queen's chest. "Your special somepony duuuh. Don't worry Momma ... I'll take care of you forever and ever.

Wait, What :applejackconfused:

Calm down Chrysalis ... y-you've been through far worse.

You have ? :trixieshiftright:

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