• Member Since 21st Feb, 2017
  • offline last seen 6 hours ago

Mirdalan


Pathological, self-defining, special service maniac.

Comments ( 38 )

Are Gusty Twilight and Twilight Sparkle the same person?

8154836 No. Gusty is an OC from the PnD campaign(DnD that I designed for ponies) we will actually meet Twilight much later as there is a lot that happens in this story

8154836 In an addendum to that, Gusty might be a bit psychologically unstable. That doesn't give anything away, I just sometimes feel that I don't necessarily accomplish portraying that point hope it makes more sense. Adapting the campaign into an actual story has been extremely difficult

8154836 Also thanks for reading! and commenting! and everything else. Hope to get you chapter 4 by like the 27th if I'm a baller

8193343 https://www.google.com/search?q=baller&oq=baller+&aqs=chrome..69i57.4650j0j7&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8
Just look at the adjective description at the top of this google search, I'm sure you understand

I have to re-edit everything :(((((

8224756
haha! Done! no more re-editing for me!

> alicorn OC
> red and black OC
> edgy, mature, "gore" tag

That's why you're not getting a lot of comments

I was cautious at first due to the OCs, alicorn and zebra OCs are often done badly, but you did a great job of characterising them and they sure are fun to read about.

What I don't get is why this is a prelude and not the first chapter? Unless there's a difference between a prelude and a prologue that I'm not familiar with, this doesn't have anything that would look out of place as chapter 1. If anything, this completely contradicts the tags for your story. It sets up the story as a light-heated comedy adventure and not the M-rated dark and gory fic your tags say it will be. So I honestly don't know what to expect.

I think one of your problems is that many people don't want to read m-rated dark and gory stories featuring OCs. They're often badly done. But from this start, this one is good and entertaining. It's well written although it has a few formatting errors, and I didn't notice any grammar or spelling errors either.

Although, I am unsure about the first two paragraphs. I'm in two minds about them. On one hand, I think that it's a interesting opening as I want to see what events it is talking about, on the other hand, it isn't all that grabbing of a start. It's got a bit too much telling in it. Although, in the style you have written this that does work.

So, to conclude, I think your issue is one of advertising and setting the scene rather then a issue with the story itself. But you have got yourselves one new reader. :twilightsmile:

8357684
That is an emboldening statement sir. And I thank you for it. I have had trouble with titling for a while, but have no better solution as of yet. Anyway, I never said this won't be funny. Or that the entirety of it is exclusively gore and action. Perhaps I should change tags. Idk. But there are decidedly very visceral scenes and sometimes chapters entirely devoted to describing battle or torture...but I digress. You can't create a story, even a specifically gore fic without a plot or a meaningful set of characters that are entertaining outside of killing each other, especially on the scale of what I am doing. You can't feel how they feel, hurt like they hurt. So I suppose the style is more sinister than i gave it credit for, thanks for the food for thought! Hope you continue to enjoy!

8357510
Well I can't rate it teen, we say fuck a whole lot after act 1! and there will be loads of other nefarious deeds as well. lol. And who is red and black?? WHO?? lmao.
Yes I understand the stipulations. That's why I'm trying to advertise. My friend Custos has done an excellent job of helping.

8357743
well, if no one's red and black, your cover image is wrong
look, this kind of thing is just not entertaining to read
what can I think about because of this story
how will I be made to feel
what can you express no one else can

8358015
I'm sorry you feel that way. Also, I'm guilty, I have not yet gotten the very...amateur MS paint image and vectors that I made turned into a actual piece of art that better shows the characters, I'm not exactly an artist! Thanks for all the informative advice!

Internet has been terrible, and I just got back on now. Seems the other guy already gave it a review, but after reading this prologue I'm starting to agree with him, minus his demeaning choice of words.

I see the description has been fixed. It was terrible before, and now it's pretty good, but I'm still not hooked on one of the characters being an alicorn OC. There have been enough bad stereotypes of alicorn OCs that people avoid them like the plague now, and this applies to Zebra OCs too, to an extent.

There are two writers here, both write, edit and proofread the story but there are still quite a handful of missing punctuation marks in this prologue chapter alone. Gutsy Twilight is too erratic of a character for me to feel invested in. She feels like the distilled unbridled ridiculousness of Pinkie Pie became an alicorn with the mental age of an 10yo. Zeccaran has his own set of inconsistencies that make him unappealing, which coupled with Gutsy's cons are the most detracting things about this story. 1st off he talks about the world as if he can see through all the bad things happening in the background, and this is setting him up as some sage character with lots of depth and background. Giving him a timberwolf companion was a surprise to me and lent some credence to his character, in a way (I have honestly never read a story with a tame timberwolf before.) But then you immediately have him being dragged around by Gutsy into shenanigans right off the bat. He's being a pushover, and he himself falls for the ol' windowsill pie cooling gag, albeit the pie is an oven. It was good at the beginning, but pretty downhill when Gusty starts talking. So combining this with the fact that I wasn't able to latch any investment on the characters themselves, I can't help but feel like I was let down from the get-go.

As for tags, tragedy dark and gore are misleading already this early on. Adventure might be the more fitting of the 3 and maybe there should be a tag for comedy instead of those others. But it isn't very encouraging that the author can't confidently pin down the identity of their story with tags. And considering DnD shenanigans, while there may get dark and gory in the future, this bad 1st impression is gonna stick and dampen the story from here on out.

So yeah, it's a big stretch to start a premise off DnD characters. I'm guessing, you guys have the entire story down already or are still playing through it. Either way, you only have to write the narrative down, but I can't really change that if you're set on adapting it faithfully, and if it's more or less chocked with similar shenanigans, I'm likely not reading on.

8359698
Ah yes. It would seem that a number of my fears are confirmed. That its is only really a good story in my head. You have hit some key points that I have been looking to get some real feedback on. Such as: Is this something other people can enjoy? Is some of the more dynamic characterization making sense? Are people really gonna understand how these character's act without me dropping huge amounts of exposition and prologue before trying to make them do things? Is it worth my time to carefully detail events and make them worth the read?
It would seem the answer to most of these questions is No.
If you would be willing to indulge me I would like to send you a conjecture about WHY our two main characters act the way they do Send me a PM or respond here and I'll start the conversation.

8359728
I'll get back to you after I update my story. Speaking of which, mind giving your own opinions on my story? It doesn't have that much feedback either, but I will say that I'm quite proud of it up to this point as well as the fact of its readership upkeep, with last chapter having 75% views of the first (the 2nd one is super wierd though, only has half the views for some reason.) And I said I'm asking for feedback, but I'm likely not going to change how I write the story. I have specific goals and events in mind already and I'm quite happy with the writing style I've built up for it. It's a selfish story of sorts, something I'm using to understand myself introspectively. The reason I'm asking for feedback is mainly because it doesn't have many comments, and that issue is fairly superficial.

But you are disinterested for any reason, don't force yourself to read. Again I will get back to your story sometime after updating.

-Blankscape

8360699
Gladly. Frankly I have been doing tons of writing, And have made some decisions that will require me to make significant structural changes to what I am doing with min. And...I would HAPPILY procrastinate that. At least for the time being! Look forward to reading. Hope to either confirm or deny your collective fears!

Sorry for the long break between chapters, I had been trying to churn out the material every two weeks but it proved not possible with some other endeavors I had committed myself to, anyway here is this, and be on the look out for a significantly big redo of Act 1! I have been going through things and trying to find a better way to tell the story while not ruining the actual plot which I already have written, just all about those details and character problems that I have to describe! Anyway, that is the next big thing I will be doing for this story since I feel like it will fulfill the station of deepening my characters much more effectively than the current...overtly amateur version.

Thanks, everyone for sticking with me! Hope it has been enjoyable!
-Mird-

Ahhh. Okay. Major update complete save some editing for the now Chapter 10. That will have to come later. Anyway...

So for everyone paying attention still, This is the Official Edit for this story and things will not be changing again. If you have already read past the changes, don't think anything of it as the story is basically the same. This was for the express purpose of fixing some issues that I had with both my writing and plot presentation. The new version accomplishes the task of telling the story and describing characters with a significantly improved flow and function within this version of Pony. I desperately wanted the characters to have more depth and well-roundedness as well as provide contrast against the show characters of Celestia and Luna. This was incredibly important for the overall function of the story and where things are headed, given that the majority of the material is character-driven not event driven, at least that is what I am intending.

Enjoy! -Mird-

So tag update? There is profanity, not that often but it is there, so on it goes right?

How'd you come up with Zeccaran's name?

8866893
A friend of mine did actually. He sorta super-imposed Zecora, and tried to make it have more consonants. Its Zek-kar-ahn for reference. kinda hearkens to a story or two he read.

Woah, this definitely went farther than I foresaw. Gonna see if you made something out of it. Good job!

If the main OCs in this story were voiced, what would they sound like?

I always pictured Zeccaran to sound very educated, if a bit rustic. Sort of a fast talker when excited, like a cross between Alfred(Batman) and Stephen Colbert.

Bunker has a thick Russian accent. As stereotypical as he can be too.

Gusty: she does not have a fine voice, frankly she sounds a touch rough. Older and coarse in sound. Like diet Carrie Fisher.

Heyyy everybody!
Its my two year anniversary on FimFic, I got a chapter coming out tonight once it gets edited!

Not gonna say that it isn't. But i'm not gonna stop at this point, just trying to make it mildly entertaining regardless

9497436
Not gonna say that it isn't. But i'm not gonna stop at this point, just trying to make it mildly entertaining regardless

Viry good story. Thank you for latest chapter.

9697606
These would be pretty close.
Bunker= The Heavy from TF2 by Gary Schwartz
Zeccaran= Dr. Robotnik from the 2006 Sonic by Mike Pollock(but a lot less evil these days)
Gusty= Winter Wyvern from Dota2(without the after affects) by Merle Dandridge
Guardian Angel(since he's come around as a prominent character now)
Dom from Gears of War by Carlos Ferro

Basically everypony I wrote is just a living meme it turns out. 🤣😂😭

How many chapters long will this story be?

9843163
To be honest: I have no idea. This is the home stretch, but due to how often I rewrite before I post I don't have a solid number. I at least intend Act 5 to be the last one unless something changes

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