As far back as she could remember, Starchaser had marveled at the beauty of the night sky. The sight of those countless twinkling lights, and the gentle moon above, would help her find peace even in the darkest days of her youth. Then one day she met somepony who not only saved her life, but changed it's course forever. A princess who's passion, beauty, and bravery made her the equal of any starlit sky. On that day the young filly swore an oath! She would repay her debt no mater the cost, and serve as a protector of all she holds dear. Her friends, her nation, and her princess of the night! Carpe noctem!
Chapters (7)
Wow. Just wow, man.
Truth be told I don't normally like drama pieces, but I really want more of this. I think you did exceptionally well conveying the familial bond here. You know, before mercilessly pounding me right in the feels.
Your word choice, in my opinion, is for the most part accurate and nuanced, 10/10. There are only a very few places I would argue you could have found a better word (I personally would not have used the word 'charged' in a few places were characters are clearly NOT being aggressive. Beyond that I see little issue).
I disliked the way characters sometimes used contractions in their speech and sometimes didn't. Obviously nobody is going to never or always use them, no matter what; it clearly depends on the situation. I just found it a little disconcerting when I was expecting a contraction and didn't get one (or vice versa). I couldn't really say whether you should take the balance one way or the other. I felt the characters just needed stronger patterns to follow in that regard.
Overall, I think this is spectacular. Any flaws I could find are small and easily overlooked. I genuinely want to see what happens next. Ideally, i would like a somewhat happier moment. Not enough to break with the theme, just enough to let me know that Starchaser ended up okay (and possibly make the next sad moment more poignant).
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Hey man, I'm glad you like it. I'll admit, word choice is one of the things I hope to get better with if I can keep writing more. My biggest problem is I hate repetitive language, but for very long chapters (chapter 1 is already 17 pages long) I tend to have a hard time knowing what words i've used to often already. Sometimes this comes back to bite me an I probably force words into places where they shouldn't be. (the charge example is a perfect representation).
As for the contractions, that's an excellent point. Usually I'll try to have it be character specific (ex. a more mature character will use less contractions while a younger or happier character will use more), but its something that I can easily miss while reviewing. If you found any examples where it was particularly distracting, definitely let me know. Not only will I be able to fix it up, but it gives me something to look out for in the future.
Thanks so much for the critique, and definitely let me know when you start up your next story.
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I really didn't see much repetitive language. Hopefully that can assuage your fears a little bit. Though, when you say 17 pages it doesn't say as much as one might think. For an online media, word count is usually a better indication for length because there are no pages and the reader can change the font size at will anyway. Four thousand to six thousand is usually a good length for a single chapter. Less than two is probably too short, and ten thousand or more is a very long chapter. That works best with stories that progress very slowly or are only one chapter to begin with.
This, I think has to be the most glaring. 'Cannot' has a really stiff, formal feel to it. Any dialogue using it should thus have a similar tone (there was one other place where cannot did not mix well with contractions inside a dialogue). The speaker here is clearly in a hurry, so 'can't' would be better, or even 'can not' to emphasize the 'not'. Keep in mind too that dialogue is supposed to reflect the character's natural speech so grammatical rules don't always need apply.
My own stuff? I have an idea I like, so we'll see what happens.
*salutes*
I'm enjoying this a lot. Princess Luna coming just in time was well done.
Omg i really love it! I can't wait for the next chapter, keep it up!
Before I read this, what is the Dark tag for ?
And how bad does it get ?
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The dark tag is due to the fact that the story takes place during war time, and therefore explores some darker topics. Violence, death, and how people (and ponies) react to these are likely to be touched on. This is not meant to be a gore-fest style story, but war is violent, and I don't plan on sugar-coating it. Hope that helps (and doesn't scare you away
"Carpe noctem!" means "seize the night", right?
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It does indeed!
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*salutes* FOR THE LUNAR REPUBLIC!!!