Gilda makes a deal to help with her love life, but is transported to Earth with one problem; if she falls in love, she dies.
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- Member Since 28th May, 2014
- offline last seen 1 hour ago
ShadowblazeCR
As a writer you ask yourself to dream while you're awake. As an editor you ask yourself how to change a story while leaving it the same.
ShadowblazeCR
Joined 28th May, 2014 ·
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And then Twilight comes over and reveals the whole thing was just a sick prank.
It's an interesting idea, but could use work on the execution. You give a good amount of personality to your version of Gilda, and a basic start with Jack, although that could be a little better. The problem is that the rest of the story is very much a summary, where you tell us what happens without really showing us, broken up by little moments. This kind of makes it so that we don't really see any of the actual growth and development between them, which means there's no real emotional investment in the possibility of a relationship. Nothing that feels like they are really in love, or having us hope that they somehow end up together.
This problem also ends up taking the dramatic tension away from the climax and Gilda's choice. It is somewhat obvious what choice she will make because of the type of story it is, but there's nothing in the story that makes it feel like she would actually do so.
On a separate additional note, Gilda having wings in the human world seems pointless. Other than her initial stretch, they serve no purpose. If they had been removed, nothing would have really changed.
Except maybe it could have made the choice a little tougher? I mean it is established that Gilda does enjoy flying. As such, not only would being in a new body be strange, but the lack of wings would mean she was unable to do something she actually enjoyed. That way, if it was built up a little more, it could make her face a situation where either way, she has to give something up: either a person she has a romantic interest in, or an ability she loves but cannot pursue in this other world.