What it Means: Lord of War

There is tell of a city... one so vast in its beauty that none can match it, sitting atop the highest clouds in the skies above. A city that is the stuff of legend... Asgard, City of the Gods. Here, in this city, the gods of War and Peace talk of what is to come for the realm they watch over, as well as the choices they must make for the betterment of Equus as a whole...

Part of the Conquestverse - Group?/TBA

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 8 )

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HiddenMaster

HiddenMaster #1 · Dec 15th, 2016 · 1 · ·

Okay, while I think the premise you're going for is interesting, this story has some issues.

First off, the prose you have here with the description of Asgard? It very nice and you paint a pretty picture.

Unfortunately, you did something that is always a critical mistake in my experience. There isn't really an attention grabber at the beginning. As readers, we need a character to latch onto quickly-preferably within the first page of a document, I'd say first two hundred words over all.You don't give us a character and scene to latch onto until over 400 words in, so right off the bat there isn't a whole lot to keep readers beyond pretty descriptions which, as I state before, are nice but are best complimented when we have a character. In any revision I would suggest starting us off with character.

Secondly I don't know any of the characters, and even the main character is blurry at best. You just introduced several characters and immediately went into discussion on the war with some dark king of some variety or another. I don't know what the main character is like beyond wanting the Caribou exterminated and being rather horny for reasons. I would like to see her thoughts and feelings on her fellow deities. Finally, to really draw us into her character I would suggest starting off with something simple she's doing and then work in the deific abilities.

Finally, a lot of this seems like exposition which isn't necessarily bad, per se, but it's not really grounded. I don't know any of the characters and the plot is vague, you use "it" a whole freaking lot (126 times in the text) and I'd expect the characters to be specific when they're speaking about threat.

I think the worst part is that there just isn't enough interiority, or just inner thoughts. We get some of her thoughts and emotions, but about the central plot elements we know very little.

Dustchu

Dustchu #2 · Dec 15th, 2016 · · ·

7796258
Well I'm glad I did one thing right I tried good with the description, I failed in the other aspects, fack.

I honestly thought I did pretty well, but alas that's why I wanted a comment, I asked and I received. Hmm... perhaps a slight rewrite is in order. I wrote this as a beginning to a more intricate series, (intricate in my own way) but as always I failed spectacularly.

Balls. I lack the skills to write so expertly. Anywho, thanks for the comment dude. I might see about fixing this up, but chances are I probably won't.
I'm a lazy sack of shit.

Comment posted by HiddenMaster deleted Dec 15th, 2016

HiddenMaster

HiddenMaster #4 · Dec 15th, 2016 · · ·

7796292 Hey, it honestly wasn't too bad. I didn't notice too many grammatical mistakes, your prose was pretty to read if nothing else, dialogue sounded relatively natural even if I didn't know what was going on, and you avoided a lot of pit falls I've seen in bad stories, so don't beat yourself up.

Sure it needs work, but as far as drafts go? It's not too bad, and some revision and refinement could definitely bring its quality up.

Dustchu

Dustchu #5 · Dec 15th, 2016 · · ·

7796295
Well that repairs my ego somewhat ohohohoho.

Revising has always been an issue with me, I've revised one story of mine so many times I've just hated the idea of doing it. I need an editor, like a hardcore one to just completely revise it in the way it should be structured. ALAS... I have no one who has that expert power.

But I'm glad it's a good premise, I tried, honest to cheetoes.

Nighlocktheawesome00