- Member Since 27th Oct, 2016
- offline last seen Aug 27th, 2018
hero soarin flash 267
m rate, t rate fics and some e rated. main fics include soarindash and flashlight
hero soarin flash 267
Joined 27th Oct, 2016 ·
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Few things. First, you need to work on your grammar since it's really bad. I would advise to get an editor to help you with that. Second, I feel like the characters are a little too OOC as I don't really see them acting like this. Third, I love the name Midnight Blue but for the other kid, I don't really like it. Don't take it personal it's just my opinion and a way better name for Rainbow's kid would be Soaring blitz instead of Soarbolt. The name just sounds strange to me ok so again, it's my opinion. That being said, I would've liked to see the whole process of their pregnancy instead of them just about to give birth in a few paragraphs later. I will give a like as this story has great potential as most stories do. I hope you take my advice and hope to see you have better way of story writing.
Did a comma murder your family or something? This whole thing is nothing but run-on sentences. The grammar is so horrendously bad that I couldn't even understand what was going on. It was too short, and paced really badly. Everything happens entirely too fast, and leaves no lasting impression. Also Twilight and Rainbow are both out of character, and Soarin' has a weird stammer that he doesn't have in the show, so I'm not sure what you were doing with that. How the hell did this ever pass moderation?
7692590
The mods and approvers had a tough day and unanimously decided to screw with us as a way of catharsis.
This is the purest form of emotion. Every single sentence brought me closer to inspired tears. Thank you, kind sir, for blessing me with this gem of a story. A+. Five stars. Ten out of ten.
Kill me
[sees comments]
I shouldn't read it, but eh.
[after reading story]
......um...
Have a Family Guy video?
[youtube=xxRdPRtLd-s]
7692302
Well, the would be OOC if they had any character at all...
Like, seriously, nothing in this story went right. The grammar doesn't exist, the dialogue is horrible (dude, go out and listen to other people. Do they speak like this? I doubt so), stuff happens randomly without any logic whatsoever, Flash and Soarin are apparently drunk (good example for their future children, by the way. I wonder how you want people to not hate your characters if you yourself make them unlikeable like that), Flash wants to retire at the age of 26 (I know you kids think 26 is one foot in the grave, but there are some limits, goddamit), princess Celestia got injured, but what impact does it have for the plot and why are we supposed to know that is beyond me. It can hardly be called a story; just a few incoherent snippets with no rhyme nor reason and with atrocious style to boot. Read more, improve your grammar (or find a good prereader), and learn or figure out at least some basic rules of storytelling so you can actually make a decent, logical story rather than a random load of bollocks like this one.
7692880 That, or whoever approves stories is so unspeakably incompetent that there are no adjectives or units of measurement up to the task.
I this is only a story and how to improve my others. Do not worry
7692302 I understand but the names are hard to think of that are yours
This is bad for a reason. this is my first story and not my hundredth story
7693208 I completely agree with you statement and everyone's else's opinion.
There were a few other things that I have looked over and wanted to say. Flash and Soarin drunk almost all the time is a very bad example for the kids. The thing with Celestia is pointless. I know a bunch of people who retire from the military for at least 15 years of service instead of just 6 years and then retire. And I restate my statement earlier, The characters are too much OOC in my taste. I had a writing problem before like this and I got better by looking at other people's work to see how they write and by doing that, I was way more better than I first starting writing.
So please, take everyone's adivce in the comments section and improve to get a better story going.
7693208 this is want i want for comments and i forgot to state that twilight had do everything Tia had to do sense Luna is out for awhile and Twilight and Flash wanted to retire or other word for not getting fire and he was afraid that his daughter would hate that he was force to protect her and that she would get sick of it
Sigh... just sigh... The best I can say is that this is not the worst story I have ever read. That one goes to a German kid, who barely knew or wrote english.
From what I read of this story, I hope you're still in school, and if you are, Please, please, please, pay attention to your english teacher when he/she is teaching. Also read some good books, and feel how a story is supposed to flow with a good steady progression.
By the way. You also probably got every female who read this to instantly hit the thumbs down the moment they read- (Twi got up from the couch and started crying because of hormones). Even if the hormones make woman act crazy, you never say that its the hormones, because woman are always perfectly calm and rational, and its always the guys that are being unreasonable.
i am going to remake this into a better story and this was a test story not bucking my best effort
7692302 at the time i have no editor with me sense my friends do't give a shit about my little pony so i have to edit it and i did this story through 9:00 pm to 1:00 am. I thank you for your comment
7693387 I am in school and we my ELA teacher is a good teacher but i am not great at it but i want do this for fun and i my become a movie critic because a can review movies real easily
7693387 And I am I spouse to know about hormones because i learned that women get very emotional pregnant and I do get emotional sometimes.
Guhs, stop hurt him! Dis bes sheet n webs hist!
Is English your second language by any chance?
7693440 lol, I'm only joking. Anyway, this story put a smile on my face. It is so terribly built, it's funny to me. I don't know if you speak a little bit of English or if you did this on purpose. Either way, good job! Giving you a thumbs down though!
7693387 Well that's just unreasonable for you to say...
7693413 Oooh...you're an ELA student? What's your native language may I ask? I understand how hard it is to try and learn a new language ^.^
7693643 I am not use to English but I try to do the best i can but English is hard to learn
7693444 What i meant to say was" Will are foal hate because as my duty as a princess and I wouldn't get to spend time with him or her" my story was damage because of a power outage at my house
7693643 i was home schooled for awhile and I can't remember off the top of my head
7692912 Gladly.
I am the only editor at the time so i will make sure that i will do the best i can.
I will write the story on a piece of paper( Rough Draft) and they on the computer(Final Draft)
It is hard to write in English and try not to mess up but i made this bad for to test my skills with English
7693643 SHOTS FIRED
It is going to hurt to sit now because i just laughed my ass of
*sees massive red bar of downvotes* My, my. This ought to be interesting.
*reads "story"* ………
Wow, what a trainwreck.
Look. It's clear that you're very young and English isn't your first language. I won't hold either of those things against you. Everyone has to start somewhere. However, that merely explains the word salad; it does not excuse it. I must downvote out of principle.
I like to believe that everyone has the potential to become at least a passable writer with enough study and practice. It sucks to have negative reviews -- I know from experience that people on this site can be harsh -- and it's easy to get defensive, but a few people have offered constructive advice to help you improve. I hope you'll take it. Good luck.
7694438 ??? I don't understand the joke???
7694652 I am around 15-17 years old and I been learning English for a couple of years but i still need more practice with it.
7696640 English is not easy to learn. There are a lot of rules to follow, and if you don't follow them, then it turns into a chaotic mess that either doesn't make sense or just turns out funny.You didn't do as bad as I have seen others do, so feel proud for that.
You need to work on making paragraphs. Paragraphs are useful and important to a story. You had a few, but then you stopped and started making one line sentences, and broke up parts that were supposed to be together.
Example:
Twilight then felt pain and then more in more.
"AHHH FLASH GET ME TO A HOSPITAL RIGHT NOW."
These two sentences are supposed to be together in the same paragraph. This occurs a lot after this point.
Example:
Twilight then felt pain and then more in more. "AHHH FLASH GET ME TO A HOSPITAL RIGHT NOW."
Also, you used the wrong words in spots. more in more should be more and more
Using the all cap locks for a sentence does not denote shouting.
Example: "AHHH FLASH GET ME TO A HOSPITAL RIGHT NOW." "Ahhh! Flash get me to the hospital, right now!"
The use of the exclamation point lets the reader know that she is excited, and is shouting at him.
Probably the hardest thing for foreigners to learn about the written english language is the same sounding words that are spelled differently.
Example: Are-Our. Are you okay? Our friend needed help.
Since-Sense. Since we came here. He made sense.
Even those who grow up reading and speaking english have problems with this. The worst abused one is "Your-You're" Even I have problems with this one, even though I know what the difference is. I just write it wrong without thinking about it.
7696752 thank you for this comment. Can you edit my other story and it is a clopfic so get ready
7696763 I am sorry, but I don't have the time to get into editing right now. I am working on my own project at the moment that is taking up all my time.
Here's a useful tip. Use Google doc. to help find some of your typo's. It won't help your sentence structures, but it can find a lot of the errors. Google doc, can be found in gmail, and it's free to use. Just click on the 9 dots lined up in a square next to the bell icon called Google Apps, in the upper right of the gmail page. Then click on Drive. Now right click and create a Google doc. Go into it and paste a story into it. This app is very useful, it can find things like Your-You're, while others programs just look to see if things are spelled right.
7696792 thank you
You get a like
I'm favoriting this, because the grammar is making me split my sides.
7701936 thank you
7696800 in addition to that, also set up a free Grammarly account, it will help with finding and offering suggestions to errors
So funny
7846783 funny in a bad way
Oh where to begin? So many errors! First off, when changing speakers you do it by giving each change in whose speaking a new paragraph. Secondly you have missing and improper punctuation all over the place, not to mention the run on sentences.
My suggestion, start the whole thing over with a proofreader, and maybe a writing aid app like Grammarly. While I would love to read the story and judge it on its merits as a story, as it is right now the story is unreadable.
8047802 your late with your comment and I have Grammarly to help me
8048174 I figured that might be the case, I had reading the story on the back burner for longer than O probably should have. Regardless, the rest of my comment still stands.
And to top things off, when you use a character's name you forgot to capitalize it.