Diamond Tiara and her slumber party guests try to make contact with the spirit of Bloody Mary.
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 10th May, 2012
- offline last seen Nov 16th, 2022
Matthew Penn
I write imaginary stories about cartoon horses.
Matthew Penn
Joined 10th May, 2012 ·
Offline
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Well, I suppose the moral of this story is never believe in legends. That's all they are, just legends... right? On another note, the title reminded me of this song.
7634606 Thanks, I'm glad you enjoyed it.
7634606 HEHEHEHEHE. I guess the moral of story is never try to prove they are only legends. Because only a little sound make you fell scared. Hehehe.
I never play with this things. Hehehehe.
Great story. I liked to read.
Diamond Tiara, YOU FUCKING IDIOT! That's all I need to say.
Why doesn't this story have a horror tag?
7635640 It's a lighthearted ghost story.
This was an interesting story, and I liked the classic "sitting-on-the-edge-of-your-seat"- type cliffhanger, though there were a few noticeable errors that distracted heavily from the spooky story you wanted to tell- the most bothersome probably being the frequent switches from past to present tense. (My computer isn't quite working pitch-perfect, so I'm afraid I can't directly copy and paste any of these said errors; however, they are there, trust me.)
I would have appreciated it if you had elaborated more on Diamond and Silver's relationship with the CMC; you mentioned they were friends, but didn't mention much more than that. Could we have some past history? Friendly/embarrassing stories about each other? Or, perhaps you could try replacing the Cutie Mark Crusaders with OCs or background ponies like Alula (frequently pictured as Diamond Tiara's friend in Mudpony's stories), Twist, or Babs Seed (Though she'd need an explanation as to why she's in Ponyville), if you throw in a few good-natured jabs. I also don't think you hit Filthy Rich quite right; he seems almost timid near Diamond Tiara, though he should be kind of exuberant with his wealth, and a bit more of a "fun" daddy- so it might help if you could perhaps throw in a platter of brownies or a pitcher of juice with those snacks, and maybe had Mr. Rich joke about wanting to come in and join the girls.
Lastly, I felt that Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle, Silver Spoon, and Apple Bloom should have gotten to tell their story in full detail, rather than getting a short summary. Even if Sweetie Belle's is just something like, "So once, there was this giant lizard, who breathed fire, who was also a vampire, who had a scorpion tail! And he was really scary, the end.", it would only add to the sophistication and allure of the story. DETAILS MATTER. Obviously, you shouldn't write a six-paragraph essay about the St. Perry's Diamond Tiara poured Scootaloo when she wanted water instead of juice, but it would help if you could just say, "'Can I have some water, Diamond Tiara?', Scootaloo asked, 'I don't really like Cherry Juicy-Juice. Plus, I don't wanna be hyper all night.' 'Fine', replied Diamond Tiara haughtily, 'My daddy could get you eleven different juices if you wanted, but I'll call for water. Randolf!' 'Yes, mistress Tiara?' said the grizzled stallion quickly, coat-tails flapping as he rushed over. 'Get my guest Scootaloo a glass of water.' She ordered. The butler came back no more than a minute or two later, carrying a crystal tray with four glasses of sparkling water, each tinted a different color. 'Would you prefer the strawberry, lemon, pomegranate, or grapefruit, Miss Scootaloo?', he asked courtiously. The orange filly could only stare in awe at the selection until Diamond lifted the tray from his hoof and set it on the snack table."
Other than those easily-corrected mistakes, great story!