Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash finally confess that they love each other. Neither of them have been in a relationship before and have no idea what to do. How will things go when they try to figure out what this dating thing is?
This was written for the 3rd Flutterdash Contest.
Special thanks of note for my friends who helped in the editing and encouragement of this story. I really appreciate it.
Extra note: Cover art is not mine and I will take it down if asked too.
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Aww love this chapter so cute!
7617405 Thanks! :3 I'm glad you like it.~
Pls make something about the applejack x rarity and pinkie pie x twilight
7622447 Sadly I don't know if I can. IT's for a contest and supposed to be submitted/uneditted. I'm not sure if I can add in an edit now. o.o
7624904 could you possibly make a new fanfic where the telling friends chapter is mostly the same but with a different veiw, but change the other chapters? that would be interesting!
And Spike x Starlight, presumably?
Overall, I was a little disappointed by this story. I very much liked the idea, and each of the scenes was nice in its way, but it feels like something important is missing. Possibly several somethings.
Chapter one: a very good start. Simple, cute, and in character.
Chapter two: nice idea, but I feel like the timing is off. It jumped very quickly from point to point, driven by Pinkie, which made Pinkie feel wrong. She's supposed to be boisterous and wacky, but here she's just ADHD and out of touch with the rest of the room. You could have taken a bit more time to paint the scene and establish all the characters and their moods, then had more interaction between Pinkie and the other girls as she drags them into the games, to make her a part of the conversation.
Chapter three: a nice scene in itself. I think it's a mistake to touch on sex so quickly, but that's not what's wrong here. This is the starting point for the story, the "before" picture, and it's right in the middle of the story.
Chapter four: Fluttershy's conversation with Rarity was nice, but Dash's was lacking. This might have worked better if Dash had turned to somepony else for help instead? Also the "for a friend" thing's really played out.
Chapter five: this is supposed to be the conclusion of the change, the "after" picture, but not much has changed, and what has changed doesn't quite feel right. Assertive Fluttershy is too easy. Tomcoltish Rainbow (dripping soup) is fun, but that sort of frustrating detail belongs in an intermediate stage, not in the final scene.
So in summary, I think there needs to be a lot more character development going on between chapters 3 and 5. They need to each get advice, try things, fail badly, go away and think and soul search and learn, then eventually they get it right. A minimum of three dates.
I appreciate it was written for a deadline (I barely got my own story finished in time), so you may have had to accept what you could.
7671320 Thank you for the constructive criticism. Sadly a lot of the story was forced by time constraints. I never got to feeling the story like I had wanted to and at some point, I had to write what ideas I had. So I do agree that it would have made more sense to be dragged out and have more content in there but with time being a premium I was short handed in that. Hopefully, the next story I make will have a path of character development in it. That said most of my stories tend to be either quite a bit shorter than this or longer.
I hear you. My own story could have done with a little more time to clean it up and look hard at each scene. At the same time, left alone with it I'd never have gotten the useful feedback I've had from the judges, and without that perspective I may never have learned the things I can feed into future work.
In fact, I think all the stories in this contest showed signs of being at least a little rushed. The good ones and the bad.
I reviewed this story as part of Read It Now Reviews #96.
My review can be found here.
This was really cute and funny! I love how adorably clueless they both are x3 also how Pinkie got them to reveal the relationship, I could totally see her doing that. Despite Flutterdash not being a ship I read often I really enjoy your take on these two and their relationship, so great job!