• Member Since 12th Dec, 2012
  • offline last seen Aug 25th, 2013

Shiloh


T
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My first FlutterDash FanFiction.

Inviting her friends over to watch her preform a new spell, Twilight acedentally teleports them to a unknown forest, that counters magic, making it unusable. With no magic to help them, Twilight and her friends must find their way home. With TimberWolves, Fire, and Friendship, will Twilight and her friends get home? And will this impact on RainbowDashe's hidden feelings for Fluttershy?

Chapters (6)
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Comments ( 29 )

A nice start. What I really like was that you still haven't even implied any kind of shipping yet. If you hadn't mentioned it, this could be the start of an interesting adventure, though I expect the adventure part to be interesting as well. Look forward to more.

1831281 Hehe! Thank you! :p It's going to include tons of adventure! :D

Well, you did have some grammatical errors, though the story has great potential. And good job not giving everything away in the first chapter! You, my friend, have gained my respect. BRAVO!
fc08.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2011/231/3/e/flutterdash_by_thelukestir-d4762no.png

1831634 Oh my gosh, that means so so so much! <3 Thank you! I'm glad you liked it! :p

D'aawwwww, nice story so far, looking forward to seeing where you go with this :twilightsmile:

1833207 Hehe, I added a new chapter!

It is pretty good so far. it might have been a short chapter but it was still a pretty good one! :raritystarry:

I can't wait for the next chapter! i've been enthralled already!

1831634 SO MUCH D'AWWWWWWWWWWWWWW:rainbowkiss:

Nice and short story :D

Funny how I found a flutterdash picture over google images, then it lead me here.

Don't feel bad about the ending. i think this was very well done first attempt at writing. Nopony can expect to have command over literary skills their first time around. Practice makes perfect.

Now, don't let the following criticism hurt your view of your story. By no means is it a bad story. It had great elements, and a nice touching storyline. The character complexity was decent, which is incredible for a first attempt. That being said, I hope you don't mind me giving my two cents on where you can improve.

Transitions are your best friends. Your story had excellent plot elements, but the flow wasn't the best. At times, it felt like story jumps were being made. People don't often realise the importance of the in-betweens, but in reality the in-betweens can be one of the most important things. Each time a new scene is about to begin, try and describe the setting a bit. Transitions are the time where you clear out the previous scene and make way for the new one. Ending a scene doesn't need to be that lengthy. It just needs to wrap up the deal, so ending a scene can be as easy as "Rainbow Dash went to bed," along with a brief description of the character's state of mind. You did this very nicely. The issue in your transitions lies in the way you start a new scene. When there's a jump ahead, it is important to describe the environment and mood in which the next scene will occur. You don't have to use overly fancy words. Just the bare minimum needed to paint a workable picture in the reader's head.

Speaking of words, let's talk about the technical side of things. Now, I have seen far worse grammar and spelling than that which is found in this story. Errors were minor, but there were still errors. Don't be afraid to copy and paste it into word to get a spell-check going. When a spelling mistake is made, the brain needs to divert some energy to correct it, therefore drawing resources away from the context of the reading. So, always proofread.

Regarding exposition, you did a decent job of summing up character backgrounds very briefly, and as I said above, you showed decent character complexity for a first writing. But there was some level of incompleteness of characterisation. In the story, you depicted RD as a kind of bossy leader figure. And while that characterisation makes sense with what we know about RD, it would have been nice to know how this character trait suddenly came to the forefront of RD's character, as opposed to something which was implicit. But other than that, RD was done nicely.

Fluttershy, however, could have used some work. In the story, FS seems to be uncharacteristically confident and strong at times. We don't learn how she suddenly overcame the inhibitions which she has always had. Also, you mention Fluttershy's past, but don't go into detail. And this was my biggest pet peeve while reading. You set us up to learn something interesting about Fluttershy, conveying that there is some deep secret to who she is now, but do not cover what that trait is. You kind of served the ball properly, but somepony forgot to spike it over the net. There was potential here for an interesting back-story, but you kinda just let the ball drop. But, I can tell that you clearly had brilliant plans for Fluttershy's character. My guess is, you had brilliant ideas, but didn't know how to implement them without deviating from the main plot. I have suffered this issue myself in my recent writings. I start the ball rolling on something, but then I go "whoa, this will take the story in a completely different direction," and drop it, for fear that I will skew the primary plot. But in the future, don't be afraid to take a literary risk like that. Sometimes, it is better to just roll with the thoughts that come out of your head. Artistic inspiration is fickle, and if squandered, the overall vision can be lost.

So, I know it sounds like I've been kinda harsh, but don't think for a second that you did a bad job. It was an entertaining story to read, and touched my feels nicely. I just saw some mistakes that I've made in the past, and wanted to share how I overcame the issues. In the end, I am sure that your artistic prowess will show in its full brilliance, one way or another. You have loads of potential as a writer, and have a promising start. I just wanted to share my thoughts, in the hope that they can help you reach your potential faster than through trial and error. Keep writing! Practice makes perfect. I can't wait to read more of your stuff!

Awesome job Shiloh!

Keep it up Shiloh! You're an awesome fanfic writer!

Awesome! Next chapter!

Dddddaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

So awesome! And I really loved it don't worry about it being you're first! Everypony makes mistakes! Ok? So just for the record this is a fic I'd always come back and read!

3482336 wow I ever wrote a fanfic I'm asking you to criticize! Okay. Well actually I'm working on a one chapter right now!

I SHIP FLUTTERDASH SO MUCH LOVE THIS STORY :heart:

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