6.7.11

by Morningstar1337

Alnath ♉ Injustice's Trap

Cretopolis 8:00 AM 6/05/3108

The Doctor and River were the first to exit the TARDIS. Followed by the ponies, and Amy and Rory. The latter two went with Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy and Rarity to the local marketplace while Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, and Rainbow Dash went with the Time Lord. Cheerilee, Toola Roola, Starsong and the Crusaders also left on their own to explore the place.

The Doctor's group then happened on a golden building 11 blocks away from the where the TARDIS landed. There were statue of bulls and Minotaurs everywhere. The Doctor then pressed a button that was below some speaker on the gate and said "Hello I wish to speak to the king."

"Why would you want to speak with king Minos?" the voice said.

"I know what the meteor that crashed here is." The gates then opened and the Doctor's group entered. The interior of this house was much lavish, having more gold statues among other luxuries.

"Wow this castle is amazing." Twilight said in awe of the elegant design.

"Ah don't know Twi," Applejack said. "Seems too fancy for me."

The group then saw a man with an extravagant crown on his head. He was busy writing papers on his throne and desk.

"Are you king Minos?" the Doctor said.

"Y-Yes." The king was clearly nervous.

The Doctor then introduced his group and himself to the king. And then they had begun to chat.

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Cretopolis 8:05 AM

The marketplace was unusually green and red as opposed to the blue and orange of the rest of the city. Amy and Rory went a bouquet store and bought several bouquets of flowers. Then they went to another stand and bought some asparagus. A few moments later they then began to have lunch. Rory handed some flowers to each of the ponies and put the food away for later.

"Wow this is delicious!" Pinkie Pie said before eating the flowers. "I wonder what's for desert."

"Probably that cake batter you bought today." Rory deadpanned.

"Pinkie, Why did you buy so much party supplies?" Rarity said.

"We gotta celebrate silly," she said. "We already have 6 pieces of chronosteel." Rarity put her hoof on her face.

"Isn't it too early for a celebration?" Amy said.

"Too early for a party?" Pinkie gasped. "Never!"

"O-Kay." She said. They noticed something move in the distance. It was a rhino like alien with a glowing bag full of something. The alien was being chased by some minotaur-like robots. The group was baffled by this scene and decided to take a closer look.

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Cretopolis 8:10 PM

The Doctor, River Song, Twilight Sparkle, Rainbow Dash, and Applejack are still in the castle where King Minos resides. After a few minuets of small talk the king decided to cut to the chase and said "Why are you here?"

"We're looking for something called [chronosteel,]" the Doctor answered. "I have reason to believe that the metal had crashed near your house."

"Do you know where it is?" Twilight said.

Minos started thing about the meteor and then said "Ah yes, the meteor. I'm sorry but it's no longer in my possession. The people at an Olympus Limited building have it."

"What's [Olympus Limited?]" River Song felt a little curious.

"Olympus Limited is a company that spans several galaxies." Minos began his exposition. "The people that built Cretopolis a thousand years ago were it's employers and employes. They are the true rulers of this planet, they are in full control of it's laws, and they have this chronosteel you seek."

"I take it [Max Zeus] is one of them?" the Doctor said.

"Correct. Max Zeus is the C.E.O. of that business. And the one who put me in this position in the first. My full name is Minos Aegeus Zeus, and I am one of his sons."

"One of his sons?" Rainbow Dash was confused by this fact. As he didn't look old enough to be one of his sons.

Minos said "I do not know how long you people can live but my father is said to have the lifespan of even the Time Lords themselves."

"That's a pretty big statement there." The Doctor stated.

"Perhaps. Regardless, I don't have the meteor. Perhaps my daughter Ariadne can help. She runs the nearby hotel next to the prison."

"Alright thanks for you cooperation Minos. Goodbye."

The Doctor and his group exited the castle and went back to the Labyrinth's Oasis.

Applejack said "Do you think he's telling the truth?"

"I don't know," Twilight Sparkle said. "Why do you ask?"

"I don't know sugarcube, That Minos character feels shifty if you ask me."

"And the Doctor doesn't?" Rainbow Dash said.

"Rule 1: The Doctor lies." River Song said as she butted in the conversation.

"See." Rainbow dash said.

"Rule 2: The Doctor will not lie about lying."

"Are you kidding me?"

"You know," the Doctor said. "i can hear everything you say. And you may be right."

"That you can't be trusted." Rainbow Dash said.

"Rainbow!" Twilight said.

"Well yeah but I'm talking about Minos." the Time Lord said. "I don't think he's giving us the whole story."

By the time the conversation had ended the group had entered the hotel.

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Cretopolis 8:15 AM

The rhino-like alien had been chased around the city for several minuets by several minotaur robots. Amy, Rory, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, and Fluttershy also followed the aliens from a distance. They were chasing the bipedal rhino through a yellow-and-purple part of town. There the group passed with Cheerilee and the others.

"What's going on?" Toola Roola said.

"I don't know." Starsong said.

The 6 then cried to catch up with Amy's group. The chase scene lasted for a few moment until the alien had entered the Labyrinth's Oasis. Passing the Doctor.

"What in the..." The Doctor was befuddled. The minotaur robots then entered the building followed by the others. They saw the Doctor and his group.

"Doctor?" Amy said. "What are you doing in a hotel?"

"I was looking for information on where the chronosteel is. You?"

Everyone pointed to the alien and the robots.

"Ah I see, a Judoon, reduced to petty theft huh?" the Doctor said. "Still doesn't explain why you were chasing him."

"What about the robots then?" Rory then looked at the robots. They were handcuffing the rhino-like alien.

"SUBJECT 67110." one of the robots said. "YOU ARE UNDER ARREST FOR THE CRIME OF STEALING FROM THE MARKET. WE ARE AUTHORIZED TO ESCORT YOU TO THE PIT OF DAEDALUS FOR EXECUTION."

"You can't," the Judoon said. "What about my family? They'll starve if I don't bring back food."

What is going on?" Ariadne had entered the lobby. The Doctor was shocked by the scene.

"WE ARE APPREHENDING THE FAMILY OF SUBJECT 67110. THEY ARE NOW PLACED UNDER ARREST FOR PROVIDING A REASON FOR THEFT. THEY SHALL BE ESCORTED TO THE PIT OF DAEDALUS FOR EXECUTION." the other robot said.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" said the Judoon as he was being escorted outside. The Doctor then went to the blue skinned manager.

"Where's the chief of police?" the mad madman with a box said.

"The prison next door. Why?" Ariadne said.

"Pond, Rory, everyone, ask Ariadne about the chronosteel. I'll be right back." He then stormed out of the building, followed by River Song.

Applejack said "Miss Cheerilee, can you please take care of my sister?" as Twilight and Rainbow Dash left the building.

Rarity then said "I was wondering if you could take care of Sweetie Belle too?" Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy had exited the hotel.

"Of course why?" the plum earth pony said.

Applejack and Rarity then left the fillies with Cheerilee, Starsong, and Toola Roola and left the hospital. Meanwhile Rory and Amy then asked Ariadne about where the chronosteel went.

Comments

[cosmofur]

Just some quick comments, it does look interesting, but there are a few style issues.

It very jarring to introduce every character with a physical description, you can get away with that maybe once or twice, but your doing it too often. You do need to describe characters, but the description should flow from the action.

Compare these two examples, which do you think is more interesting?

1) Climbing down the rope, the brown furred with yellow maned earth pony, was wearing silver horseshoes and a body clinging cat suit that hide her cat's paw cutie mark. Cat Meow hide from some passing guards while looking for a way into her targets home.

vs.

2) Cat Meow slowly lowered herself down the nearly invisible rope, swinging from window to window looking for an entrance. She had to be vary careful with each swing as Cat Meow had no wings or horn to help guide her. Suddenly she froze when she heard some patrolling guards approaching. Silently she checked herself to make sure her fur tight black cat suit fully covered her. What little of her dark brown fur that escaped from the suite's cuffs was not going to give her away, and her bright yellow mane was still hidden, firmly tucked in the suits hood, while the black shoe polish on her silver horseshoes hadn't worn off yet, leaving only her tail to worry about. "Oh no!" she silently fretted, while the her yellow tail was still jammed up uncomfortably into her suit, the hole that it would normally slip though, had shifted to her flank and her silver cat's paw cutie mark was shining in the moon light. It was just in time that Cat Meow adjusted her covering, for the guards passed, not noticing anything, she was just a dark shadow, against the black sky.

[Morningstar1337]

826368 I see, should i limit the brief descriptions to characters not in either canon (like ocs or in the case of the ponies the characters introduced in previous gens?) or characters whose identity i'm hiding? FYI the reason i gave these descriptions in the first place is because A.) Three of the characters are from previous gens meaning that bronies may not recognize them and B). I've read Equestria Daily's Omnibus and it warns against overusing the names (in the same paragraph at least)

[cosmofur]

Well it's a style issue, and in the end it what ever makes the story flow better.

Many stories get away with very light descriptions, I'd say try to
1) Introduce descriptions with the flow of the story, rather than stopping it to add descriptions. (You pretty much don't have to give any descriptions to the mane six or most of the major secondary characters like CMC and Spike, UNLESS you have changed them in some way like aging them) Less well known 3g ponies should get a description but try to blend it into the story more. Not sure this would have fit for your story, but just as an example, imagine if Cheerilee had planned met her friends at the train station and wasn't sure they had arrived yet, so she starts to ask other passing ponies if they had seen her friends, telling their descriptions to the minor un-named commuter ponies. This would get their descriptions out, but keep the story moving.

2) Only describe what will matter later. Its sort of like the rule in movie making, if in the 1st act the camera pans over a gun on table, then by the 3rd act that gun had better been used. Or else don't put the gun there in the first place. So not every walk on character needs a full description, just the ones who's description will matter later in the story. For example an OC that's a unicorn, should be describe as such well before she saves the day with her magic. Where a throw away character who's only purpose is to answer the question 'what time is it' when main character is running past, late for the critical appointment, doesn't not require any real description at all.

[Tygerburningbright]

[chronosteel,] remove []
"What's [Olympus Limited?] remove [] wait river is from the 52th century but this takes place in the 32th how can she not know she is or will be a professor of archaeology.
The people that built Cretopolis a thousand years ago are it's employers and employes were not are
[Max Zeus] remove []
As didn't look old enough to be one of his insert he after as
hotel next to the prison who puts a hotel next to a prison?
"i can hear everything you say UC i for self
Ah i see a Judoon, reduced to petty theft huh UC i for self The Judoon are known for their strict obedience to the law and their brutal efforts in maintaining it
They'll starve if i don't bring back food UC i for self

[Morningstar1337]

999170 Regarding both the Juddon and River's lack of infomation on the company, i can connect both of these to one phrase: "Time can be rewritten" plus Even The Doctor and River Song are not omniscient when it comes to changes to the timeline unless they cause the changes it in some way shape or form. Also i think the butterfly effect applies here. I would say more but that would spoil the fic so i'll just leave it at "Another Time traveler messing up the timeline without the others noticing."